Darkness and White
by PerhapsPerhapsPerhaps
Summary: A twist on FSOG, new names and faces, roles reversed... Amy has survived a harsh and painful past at the hands of Simon but it has left scars, physical and emotional. She is unable to love, trust or be touched. With Simon's release looming, she turns to Will for help and training. Can his touch bring her out of Simon's darkness and back into the light?
1. Prologue - Darkness

A/N: For those of you reading this for the first time, thank you and for the 250 followers who have been reading along this whole time thank you for coming back around and starting with me again at the beginning.

When I first started writing this in Dec 2012, I was nervous to post it up here. I took a few weeks to think about it until finally I got the balls to go ahead and do it. I remember the joy and elation I felt when I had my very first follower none other then our Lala Loopsie, a stranger somewhere out there liked my story enough to follow it and I was in heaven. Now Lala is not only my friend but my beta and the reason these chapters have been polished up to a nice luster.

Along the way there have been many readers who have encouraged me to keep going with this story, SmileRose promoted it in her own work,Missreadingfool, BauerJuliette ,meggan-sa ,NickJisoffmychain2828 ,glory2bee, Shebby87,Crystal9034 ,Angela76 ,Maddy-Rose ,Gobears1 ,Jules Holloway,aarica1 ,BannersAndMash ,overthebrink ,Tangosalsa ,Lulu Price,lulu-ny, HudsH2n, Cole, wattle, Winterstorm, kykio88, and AniSurnois

If you are reading and not following please click that little box, the more followers and review, the bigger draw for new readers... To all my guest reviewers, you have all be very supportive and kind to this story so thanks for that!

I will be re-posting chapter 1 & 2, today. Every time I post a new D&W chapter I will re-post a few of the improved old ones. If you have reviewed chapters in the past FF won't let you do it again. But I would love to hear your feedback so please PM your thoughts about the updates/changes.

Music has also played a huge role in writing these chapters so I am including the songs that helped me with each chapter ( if there was one). If I could I would post the links but FF does not allow. I usually post videos on Facebook or Twitter... follow me there...

Twitter: PerhapsPerhaps1

Facebook: perhapsperhaps dot perhaps dot 3

For this chapter No Light No Light by Florence and the Machine was on repeat.

This has been the best experience joining this community of amazing talent.

Thank you once again... XOXO PPP

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Prologue: Endgame

It was the dripping that was making me crazy, the never-ending white noise. It taunted me, clocking each and every agonizing second. A month ago, I tried to fix the stupid faucet myself, when the super failed to show up for three appointments in a row. I pulled out the small tool box my father had given me when I moved into the city. I did my best trying to wield that goddamned wrench, but after it slipped and my finger was gushing blood, I just gave up all together. I barely spent any time in my apartment anyway. All of my free time was dedicated to Simon. My days were spent in my office, my nights spent in his bed, listening to the lull of his soft snore. But now, it was the sound of water hitting old cast iron that was pushing me over the edge.

I was profoundly cold, my hands and feet numb, tingling. My dehydrated skin was puckering and burning, like when you hold an ice cube in your fingers for too long. My teeth chattered uncontrollably, my bottom lip split and swollen, oozing. My poor abused head was throbbing from the repeated impact of Simon's fists. I could hear the blood pulsing in my ears, which rang and popped, making me dizzy.

I tried to move around as much as I could just to keep the blood flowing through my body but I also didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I could hear his steady, measured breathing coming from the living room, and I was glad that he was finally asleep. I was just so grateful that I was being ignored and that I was able to lie here alone and in peace, for a few moments anyway.

Without these breaks from Simon's voice, from his touch, his smell, and the pain he caused me with such callous disregard, I would not have lasted as long as I did. I felt like I was there solely to help him exorcise his demons, nothing more than a toy you give a puppy to chew on. Without these quiet moments I would have gone crazy and devolved into a puddle on the floor, but I would not give him that satisfaction.

Simon's energy seemed boundless, never-ending, and I was reaching the end of my rapidly fraying rope. I prayed for sleep, that I might be able to close my eyes and drift away. My mind, my body and my spirit were exhausted - absolutely nothing was left. Unfortunately, sleep was not really an option. The way my body was positioned, the course rope of the restraints wore into the skin around my wrists and ankles, the heavy metallic smell of my own blood gagging me, revolting.

The pain was unrelenting and intense. Every muscle, every fiber, every inch of skin was screaming out for a reprieve, and it was all-consuming. The pain and the fear were one thing but there was also this question of the unknown. What was he going to do to me next? How many hours had it been, how many days had I been here? The sun had risen and fallen at least three times.

In the distance I heard the muted noise of the city, which was usually a comfort: the jazz-like composition of voices yelling or laughing, car horns, ambulances, and police sirens. Help was so very close, but so very far away.

I chewed on the gag, a silk scarf that he had given me after we had been dating for just a month. Swirls of pinks and purples on a black background, the telltale branding of the letter H. I loved this stupid scarf, it made me feel like a million bucks every time I wore it. And now I spent countless hours trying to bite through it, slowly wearing away the fine silk with my molars, to no avail.

Not that having my voice back would have made a difference. Even if I could have screamed, Simon would have killed me the moment I made a sound and he would have gotten away before help came. He proudly explained in horrifying detail all the ways he could end my life and then escape to some far off place. I knew that my imminent death was a foregone conclusion. Simon was a man of his word, if nothing else.

Simon's cell phone rang, a Bruno Mars song about being amazing just the way I was. The upbeat pop song echoed off the walls and he woke up grumbling. It was his mother of all people, and he spoke to her so calmly, so easily. As if he was sitting at the park enjoying a latte, never revealing that he had me tied up and gagged in my apartment.

Only two weeks before, I had been sitting at his mother's long, polished mahogany dining table wearing the diamond necklace he had just given me for my birthday. We were enjoying a bottle of wine that was equal to a month's rent on my apartment, laughing about a witty line in an article his sister, Helene, had written for the New Yorker. In that moment we were happy and in love - how different things were now. That was the last night we would ever be like that. The last night I felt safe and happy and loved.

I had been afraid of Simon before; the root of our relationship was fear. I was afraid I wasn't good enough for him. I was afraid that he would leave me that he would get bored and move on. I was afraid that he would hurt me. I was afraid that I would do something to make him upset or unhappy. I had become proficient at the fine art of sidestepping the landmines of Simon Archer's mind. So, I was no stranger to fear when it came to Simon, but on this day, the abject fear I felt had never been more potent, more real or more tangible.

His voice drifted through my apartment telling his mother that we were having a great time in Cabo and that we were back together and "working on things". He said that he loved her and that we would be back in New York in a week or so. My heart stopped for a few beats. A week!? How much longer could this go on? How much more could I possibly take? The reality that he was nowhere near being done with me came crashing down. My heart began beating out of my chest so loudly that I was sure he could hear it, even from the other room.

Suddenly the cold I was feeling was replaced with heat as adrenaline rapidly pumped through my veins, knowing that it was about to start again. Fear clouded any rational thought. I began to count slowly, trying to keep my mind focused in another place, safe and far away. Last time, I had gotten to thirty seven thousand, two hundred and forty nine.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…13…14…

Simon's heavy footsteps approached, the floorboards in my pre-war apartment creaking until he was standing over me, arms crossed against his chest, his height and broad shoulders eclipsing the stream of early morning light from my windows. Simon's dark blue eyes glazed over, thick black eyebrows furrowed, as he looked over my naked, bruised and battered body. For the briefest of moments I saw a flash of guilt on his face that I once believed to be the most beautiful face I had ever seen. Not so long ago, I would have melted at the sound of his voice. I would barely have been able to fight the unrelenting urge to kiss him, to have his hands on my body to love and to be loved by my Simon. But now, I went cold deep in my core.

The flash of his guilt gave me false hope because in the next instant his expression changed once again. His eyes darkened and a small, deviant smile broke the corners of his mouth. Tears formed in my eyes, falling from my cheeks onto the pillow beneath me as my body began to shake uncontrollably.

"Good Morning, Love. What shall we do today?"

15...16...17...18...20...21...22...23...24...25... 26...27...28...29...30...31...32...


	2. Chapter 1 - Will

Song Inspiration: First Day of My life, Bright Eyes

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Chapter 1: Will

The rain had finally stopped and the sun was making an appearance, breaking through the heavy dark clouds. Of course now that I had walked a long mile and arrived at my destination, the rain finally decided to take a break. If it weren't for bad luck, I would have no luck at all. I stood in the entry way, shaking the rain off of my body leaving a ring of droplets on the floor around me. This was the place I had been visualizing for three hundred and eight six days. The place that was supposed to save my life, the place that would keep me safe from the lurking unknown.

The studio was large, much larger than I ever imagined it would be and I felt small and out of place. Five seconds in and I was already feeling overwhelmed, trying to calm the loud, unrelenting voices in my head, knotting my hands together to stop them from shaking. I had thought about this very moment in my mind a million times, in an effort to work up the nerve and walk through the front door.

I had been working closely with my therapist, Dr. Thomas Dalton. For the last five years, every Monday and Thursday we would sit together in the confines of his office and try to work through the varying levels of my shit. But over the last year, the lion's share, the real meat and potatoes of my sessions had been spent gearing me up for this moment in time.

Dr. Dalton had used something called systematic desensitization as a coping tool and I was happy to say it worked. You have to see the problems so you can defeat them; that was his tried and true catch phrase. But all I saw was problems, one patchwork quilt of problems that tucked me in each and every night. It took countless hours in his small office, working tirelessly to get my mind in order. I had finally done it. I finally made the first step.

In the beginning, simply thinking the words "self-defense" even without visualizing the actual process was enough to send me spiraling into severe panic mode. The gut-wrenching idea that I would have something, or even worse someone, to protect myself from, well that alone kept me up nights. Dino promised that it would never happen, that he would never allow Simon to touch me again but we had to prepare for any and all possibilities. So, Dr. Dalton and I began the long and arduous process of getting me into the front door.

He helped me break down the larger problem into smaller manageable issues. Well I called them issues, he called them goals. He helped me visualize all the little things that normal well-adjusted people do without thought. Getting dressed in work-out gear and tying my sneakers were bigger hurdles than one would expect. After a few weeks, I was able to visualizing dressing without undue fear, so we moved on to visualizing me walking the long mile toward The White Way studio. During each therapy session, I envisioned walking closer and closer to my intended destination. Some days it would be raining and I would be in a hurry, others the sun would be shining and I was meander down the block enjoying the sun on my face and the smell of baking bread from the bakery two doors down. Dalton helped me reduce my body's penchant toward the fight-or-flight response through deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, or what I lovingly refer to as psycho-babble bull shit. But it worked, despite my resistance; over a few months I was able to see it. I could actually see myself from the window, looking in. Sometimes I was punching a heavy bag or laughing with a few of the other students. On the really good days I was taking someone down to the mat (Dino's expression) or even better someone taking me down to the mat.

I found myself walking to the studio from time to time, early in the morning when I knew it was closed. I would lie and tell myself I was just going to the bakery but I really didn't need my brand new Nikes to do that. Over time it became an everyday thing, get up in the morning, pull on my sweat pants and Nikes walk to the studio, get a cup of coffee and head back home. Goal one achieved. Goals two, three and four came slowly and painfully but I was here today and that's all that mattered. Not how I got here, or even why I got here, just that I was here.

The studio was on the first floor of an older brick building off of Grand Avenue, in the heart of my little Camelot; it used to be a gymnastics studio when I was a kid and before that it was a market back in the forties. I reached my hand out and pressed it against the cold glass door, and took the first step over the threshold. The fifteen-foot ceilings and exposed beams and ducts gave it a modern, edgy feel that contrasted with the age of the building. The high walls were lined with large mirrors that just slightly distorted your image, making you look shorter then you actually were. The old cement floors were covered with blue and red mats that were pieced together with thick black tape. The white painted concrete walls were marked with black scuff marks and were in dire need of a fresh coat of paint. There was an area in the back with workout equipment and a small front desk area, cluttered with paperwork and a large calendar, which was left unattended as the phone rang.

I took a deep breath, looking to center my thoughts, and fiddled with the hem of my jacket. It was a nervous habit I had developed, one of many. I usually wasn't aware I was doing it until I got home and saw the telltale wrinkles on the left side of whatever I happened to be wearing. But now I was fully aware of what I was doing, twisting and turning the thick waterproof cotton of my rain coat until my hand was sweaty.

Every part of my being wanted to flee, run home, close the door and hide like I had done so many times before. Today was different, today was the day. It was time. I just kept repeating that phrase over and over again, like a silent prayer. It was time…It was time…It was time…

There was a class going on, mostly men and a few scattered women all standing in a wayward circle, a large framed man in the center shouting instructions and words of encouragement as the group followed his movements. It was amusing to watch, it almost resembled a large scale game of follow the leader. The man was tall, well over six feet and lean, and while he exuded authority, I could tell even from a distance that he had a kind face. If I had gotten the wrong vibe from him in any way, I would have run from there like a bat out of hell. I had visualized my exit strategy too, in anticipation of all the things that could and probably would go wrong.

I stood by the front desk for a moment not really knowing what to do with myself, feeling foolish and self-conscious even though no one noticed I was there. I had become a master of blending in, of being unseen and tucking myself into tight corners to avoid contact or conversation. I finally sat in one of the hard plastic chairs by the front window just waiting, taking a moment to enjoy the hot sun pour through the window on my back, warming me. I was still fighting the unrelenting urge to flee, but this was the farthest I had come. I would be dammed if I turned back now.

The class let out a few minutes later, the students shuffling out, sweaty with broad contented smiles on their faces. I envied how easy things must be for them, to go places, see things and do what you want to do without fear or worry. Then I realized that you never really know what is going on with somebody's head; everyone has an internal struggle. I was clueless as to what it took to get them to this place at this time. And knowing that somehow made me feel less alone and more connected to them.

A few of these strangers looked at me and smiled as they made it out the door. I panicked for a second and hoped no one would recognize me. I kept my gaze fixed to the small tear in my jeans, pulling at the frayed edges, holding my breath until the last person was gone and the door closed, stopping the flow of cool air from intruding on this warm space.

"Sorry for the wait." I looked up and he towered over me but spoke in earnest. I relaxed…a bit, as much as I was capable of relaxing anyway. Dino said he was a good guy. Someone he trusted, someone I could trust. Dino was one of the few people that I did trust, one of the few people who really understood why I was the way I was.

This man looked down at me and smiled. I breathed a sigh of relief; I could tell right away he was a nice guy. I was grateful he was not exceedingly handsome. Handsome men could never be trusted. Not that he was ugly either, but he wouldn't be turning heads walking down the street. He was taller than he looked from far away. His sandy brown hair had just been freshly cut, he had a long scar on his forehead and his nose had surely been broken at least once. It was when I looked into his eyes that I knew Dino was right: I could trust him.

You can tell a lot about a person by their eyes, you just need to know where to look. His eyes were a deep rich brown, with flecks of gold and green, like fall leaves; they were soft and kind outlined by long lashes (for a man) and thick blondish brown eyebrows. There was a roughness about him, an edge maybe. He carried himself with an innate swagger that said he knew he could kick the shit out of anyone. I could tell he had no fear. He kind of reminded me of a bull dog, you know how they are cute and ugly, cuddly and fierce at the same time.

He extended his hand to me in an attempt to shake mine, but I just sat there motionless, my eyes following the line of intricate black ink tattoos that artfully wound their way up his well-defined arms. His brow creased for a moment at my silent slight and then recognition flashed across his face. He knew who I was. For well over a year my face had been splashed on the news and in the papers. The headlines were unrelenting, making me out to be either a sinner or a saint, depending on the day. He frowned, dropped his arm to his side, dejected and then remembering himself, he smiled warmly at me again. I had never felt the stain of my past more, wishing I was somebody else.

"I am Will… uh, William White and I own this fine establishment. What can I do for you today?" I could tell he was trying to act as normal as possible, and I appreciated that. I searched his brown eyes looking for pity, and was relieved to find none.

"Umm, I am Amy Knightly. Detective D'Elia...Dino...he, uh, recommended this place… to me… he said you knew each other from the academy...back in the day. I…um, I want to learn how to defend myself. He said that you were the best he knew for the job and that I should come here... for lessons…private ones… private lessons…" I was rambling, unable to stop the flood of words falling from my mouth at a white water rapid pace. Will was silent for a few moments and pulled one of the plastic chairs in front of me, straddling it with his long legs.

"Yeah, Dino told me that you might me coming in." He cocked his head to one side; eyes squinted slightly, studying me. My stomach turned over with nausea or nervous energy; I wasn't sure which. "I expected you well over a year ago."

"Yeah." I could feel my cheeks burn with hot red embarrassment as I clenched my fists, my nails digging into my palms, which were resting on my thighs. "I tried to come sooner, but I am here now."

"That you are." He stopped for a beat, thinking. "Okay, well here is the thing. I know who you are…I mean not just from Dino. I remember you from the news and stuff, so...I don't know…" I nodded, knowing what he was about to say, he didn't need to finish his sentence. It had happened before, I was used to it. It had been almost five years, but I still managed to get unwanted attention. I had a feeling he might not want the stain from my past marring the name of his studio.

"I get it if you don't want to take me on, and I am not even really sure how I am going to do this anyway. This was a bad… horrible idea. I am so sorry I wasted your time." I stood to leave and he extended his hands towards me, for a moment I thought he might reach out and grab me. I recoiled in fear as panic surged through my body and I stumbled back into the chair, my rear hitting it with a loud and painful thud. His hands stopped just as they grazed the shoulders of my jacket. A frustrated look took over Will's face as he grasped the back of his chair, his knuckles white.

It had happened so quickly that I couldn't catch my breath; I didn't even have time to be embarrassed. The blood pounded in my ears and I started to feel dizzy, like everything was moving in slow motion. I could feel the awful but familiar fluttering begin deep in my belly, a panic attack brewing like a storm inside of me.

1...2...3...4...breathe...5...6...7...breathe Amy. I shut my eyes tightly, blocking out everything that surrounded me, blocking out all light and all sound. Every part my body was shaking right down to my toes, trembling without restraint. I could feel Will's eyes on me, but I was grateful he said nothing as I tried to pull my shit together. Several minutes passed, as I talked myself down, visualizing myself alone in a cool dark room, the scent of fresh cut grass filling the air, a breeze pouring in from an open window. I imagined the sound of children laughing and playing off in the distance and the annoying but comforting sound of the cicadas out there, somewhere. My heart rate was finally slowing, and I was able to control my breathing and open my eyes, my hands still slightly shaking - like a tremor after an earthquake.

"Are you okay?" The concern was etched on his face, a think vein protruding from his forehead. His eyes were dark and full of apprehension but again not a trace of pity. I nodded, trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to convince him.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. How embarrassing…" Great way to make a first impression Amy… I felt so silly and stupid. If I couldn't get through our first meeting, how in the world could I expect him to train me? How could I expect him to want to train me? This was a huge fucking mistake. I needed to get the hell out of there. My mind was screaming at me to leave.

"Really, it's fine. Trust me, Amy, I totally get it. I do." The way he said it, his voice was low and sweet. There was something in his autumn eyes, the hint of a smile on his face and I believed that he did get it. That he saw me and understood me in a way that no one else could. For the first time in a very, very long time I felt real. I felt closer to whole, closer to getting where I wanted so badly to be. There was something about William White, more then I originally thought. He was as broken as I was, as frail and fractured, as painfully incomplete. To anyone else his cracks would have gone unnoticed, but to me they were clear as the nose on his face or the color of his eyes. I wish I knew his secret, his trick for hiding his pain. Maybe he just had more practice.

I sat there for several long moments, distracted by and in awe of him and the way he was making me feel. I shook my head slightly, trying to shake my thoughts back in order. I silenced the voice in my head telling me to leave, to run. The voice was telling me that I didn't deserve to feel this way, that I had gotten what I deserved. I had played with fire, knowingly danced with it and gotten burned. The voice in my head sounded like all the different sides of Simon: angry Simon, sexy Simon, paranoid Simon, loving Simon, detached Simon, scary Simon. They were all trapped in my memories, and as much as I wanted to exorcise them, I also wanted them to stay.

"Amy, look…"

"It's okay, Will. You don't have to explain. I get why you wouldn't want me to train here…"

"Amy, stop. That's not what meant." He took a long pause before he spoke again, measuring his thoughts and words carefully. "It's just that I understand your situation...Dino told me you can't be or won't be touched. That might be a problem, because what I do here with my students... is very...very hands on..." His voice trailed off and I could see him trying to work it out in his head, trying to figure out a way to train me. To make this, whatever it was going to be, work.

"I know. I know it is. I did my research and Dino filled me in. That's why it took me a year to walk in the front door. I must have walked past this place dozens of times over the last year, like a stalker or something. But I think I can do it. I have to. I need to do it..."

"Tell me why now, after all this time?" He looked at me, and I could tell he was trying to figure me out, put the pieces together. Once a cop always a cop. He was giving me the same look Dino always did, a look I knew too well. I felt self-conscious under his focused gaze.

"He is getting out...sooner rather than later and I need to know how to protect myself..."

"From him?" There was an edge of anger in his voice, and his body tightened. I swallowed the ever-present lump in my throat before I answered.

"Yeah...he made me a promise a long time ago that I haven't forgotten, and I know he intends to keep it." Trying not to cry, my voice was barely a whisper. "I don't want to die. You know…I didn't fight so hard back then only to die now… "

We sat there, no words passing between us, as he digested my last statement, deciding what he was going to do. His face gave nothing away and I could only guess what his answer would be. I was half hoping he would say no, and then praying he would say yes.

"When do you want to start?" He finally said, as relief and terror simultaneously washed over me.

"Well, uh... before you agree to this there are few things you need to know."

"Okay, go..." He relaxed a bit and crossed his arms leaning them on the chair back.

"Well, You already know I don't like to be touched, but the truth is I haven't been touched in years, so I get that you are hands on but it's going to take some time for me to get used to...I am working on it. I just need some more time. And I guess it's obvious that I need to get in shape before I can do any real training." He quickly nodded his head in agreement, poking the slumbering giants of vanity and insecurity that I hadn't called upon for years, which took me by surprise. The giants were pissed and hungry.

"I agree you're a long way from real training. So we can start you off with the treadmill, weights and stuff." He rocked his head from side to side as he spoke, like he was still weighing his options. "You are going to need stamina first and foremost, and we can build that over time and maybe even some mutual trust. Two birds, one stone. Then we can start the actual self-defense training." He paused for a moment, letting out a deep breath before he spoke again.

"Are you hoping to lose some weight?" I inwardly cringed; honestly, I didn't want to lose an ounce. I had gained forty - okay fifty-ish - pounds. I liked the insulation. It was a barrier, a very visible cloak between me and any attention from the opposite sex. At least that's what my therapist told me.

"Honestly? No, not really. But I guess…it's going to happen anyway, right?"

"Yes it will. But we will also be building muscle, so you will be stronger. Stronger is a good thing, Amy, a very good thing. What else?"

"Okay, um...you can see that I have panic attacks. They are better than they used to be, but they still happen. I am learning to control them, stop them in their tracks. But they usually happen when I feel trapped or like I am losing control... And I cry sometimes for no reason, just ignore me when that happens. I can get overwhelmed easily and tears just happen. Oh! And I might just cancel like five minutes before an appointment. I will pay you regardless, but sometimes I just can't get out of my bed, so I don't."

"Let's not worry about money, you buy a block of classes, you come you don't come. It will all come out in the wash, and trust me Amy, if I am doing my job right, you will need to come... This will be the best therapy you could possibly imagine." He smiled proudly, confident in his abilities.

"That's what Dino said."

"Dino is a smart man and he would know; I trained him for years, but he has slacked off a bit. Anything else?"

"I am sure there is but this is going so well I think we should just quit while we are ahead." He chuckled, and it felt good to make someone laugh. I couldn't remember the last time that had happened.

"Okay, then. Let's start tomorrow. Wear sweats and sneakers, and bring a few bottles of water. It's going to be a hard day; I am not going to lie. I am going to see what your fitness level is and push you a bit to see how much you can endure."

"More than you think..." The words left my mouth before I could stop them and a pained look crossed his face. My lack of filter was still a huge problem. I was always saying the wrong things at the worst possible times.

"I'm sorry, that was the wrong choice of words. I wasn't thinking." The words fell from his mouth quickly, regret dripping from them.

"Will… It's fine really. I will see you tomorrow at..." I did my best to skirt over what was just said, but it wasn't working and I could tell that I had made him uncomfortable. I was used to it; most people were uncomfortable around me, including my own parents. Hell I was uncomfortable around me, but I had no escape.

"How does ten o'clock sound? Is that good for you?" I nodded and smiled as broadly as I could, trying my best to be a "normal" girl. Epic fail.

"Good. See you then." He put his hand out to shake mine and again quickly dropped it, a scowl spreading across his face. I could tell he was already regretting his decision to train me. I shuffled out through the door, and turned around once to look back at him. His eyes were still on me as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He smiled when I turned around, a warm reassuring smile and I knew that everything was going to be okay, that this was going to work.

"Tomorrow, Amy… tomorrow it begins."

I walked away feeling drained but somehow hopeful. I had hope. I had made the first step. Something I had wanted to do for over two years. I was finally doing it. My therapist was right, it was empowering, and I felt like I had just taken back a small piece of my old self. The Amy I used to be, before all of my pieces were stripped away and set aflame.

"Tomorrow it begins." I whispered to myself pulling my Mets cap over my head and wrapping my arms across my chest, giving myself a much needed hug. I started to pick up my pace eager to get home, to a hot shower and a much deserved glass of wine.


	3. Chapter 2 - Roadblocks

Chapter 3: Roadblocks

I live with my parents, here in the seemingly idealist home in which I grew up. At first, I lived in the main part of the home with them, but I was eventually able to move down into the basement apartment. I also just renovated it last year. I don't want to be here but I don't want to live alone again either. So basically I am trapped in a prison of my own design, complete with subway tiles in the kitchen, a front-loading washing machine and pocket doors.

My parents, Billy and Leigh, just didn't know how to deal with me after I got home from the hospital. I didn't speak for weeks, and then I couldn't leave the house for nearly a year after the trial was over. Long after the bruises and busted bones were healed and the burns and open wounds scarred over, they still looked at me like I was broken. My parent's eyes always gave away all their unspoken feelings: the hurt, the pain and the regret were always there. They would never see me the same way again, the image of me lying in the hospital, screaming and crying was eternally etched into their brains. The life-sized photos detailing every inch of my damaged flesh that had been paraded in court had sadly overshadowed all of the happy images from the twenty-one years that had come before.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for them as the story of what happened to me unfolded on the news: the stories of my relationship with Simon; the stories about his relationships with women in general; all the sordid details being bent and broken until the truth was just a suggestion, a pale shadow dying in the darkness.

The media had a field day: There was me, a young middle class woman who worked for Archer global. My career path was set in motion because of Simon's intervention. At first they framed me as a gold digger, a social climber, trying to ease her way into a rich, prominent British family living in New York. They were calling the Archers the British Kennedys. Simon was the JFK, their good-looking single, millionaire son. He was a sight to behold, and they showed photos of him on the family yacht, bare-chested on the beach, getting in and out of various limos. It was like they couldn't believe that someone so seemingly perfect, so unbearably attractive could be capable of something so ugly.

Then the rumors of our "unconventional" sex life hit the front page. Ex-girlfriends even came out of the woodwork with stories about Simon's proclivities, things that even came as shock to me. Their tales were not nearly as severe as mine, they were hauntingly familiar, a preamble to Simon's ultimate treachery. The coverage reached a fever pitch, culminating with the stories my abduction, rape, torture and finally, my unexpected salvation. And then just when the coverage died down a bit, the trial began thrusting my family and me back into the eye of the raging storm.

It was a three-ring circus, all leading to an inevitable mistrial after Simon's suicide attempt stoked the media flame again. Then he was committed under court order in lieu of a re-trial and prison time, under the guise that he did not have the mental capacity to stand trial. This was a gift and a curse: I wouldn't have to bear the weight of another trial, but Simon would never really pay for his crimes and he would surely be released sooner. I was not sure I believed that his suicide attempt was anything more than a ploy to avoid jail. I knew him better than anyone and he was too self-absorbed and vain to take his own life.

It happened the day after my testimony. It was the one and only time I was in the courthouse, in the same building as Simon. I could feel him there, I could always feel him. Because of my delicate state, an exception was made, and I was allowed to give my testimony after hours in the judge's chambers with only the DA, Simon's attorney present. The whole ordeal was videotaped and shown to the jury the next day. Hours later, Simon tried to hang himself in his apartment. His was note addressed to me, telling me how much he loved me and how he was sorry for everything…a final manipulation.

The private civil suit was the cherry on top of the cluster fuck that had become my life. The Archer family and I were close; my relationship with Simon had made me part of their family. They were as horrified by his actions as everyone else, and surprised too, with the exception of his father, Miles, who knew what his son was truly capable of. Miles thought of me like a daughter, and the family was quick to give me money, but I didn't want a cent of it. It was literally blood money but my parents insisted. I needed the security that only money could offer, and money had a way of making things easier. I couldn't leave the house or earn a living. Plus, who in their right mind would want to hire Amy Knightly; my name was as broken as my mind.

There were photographers outside my door every day, and it was a perfect storm of media scrutiny with my family smack dab in the middle of it. I grew up in Queens, New York. My dad, Billy, was a postman, while my mom, Leigh, taught high school French. They went to church on Sunday, had potlucks and BBQ's with their friends, went to the Cape for two weeks every summer and skied at our family cabin in Vermont on the weekends in the winter. Mom and Dad were perfectly ordinary, and happily so.

Then in a blink of an eye we were a lightning rod for attention, the wrong kind of attention, and I was to blame. We had always been so close – the curse of the only child – but now a wedge had been driven between the three of us. It was the ever-present elephant in the room, sitting in the corner eating peanuts, spitting the shells in our faces, and laughing. I hated that fucking elephant.

I flick on the lights in my shiny new kitchen, debating whether I want to venture upstairs and tell my parents the news about my day. My therapist told me it was imperative that I try to include them more, that shutting them out served no purpose. I wholeheartedly disagree, because it definitely serves a purpose; it allows me to retain the small shred of sanity I have left. I would go up to talk but they are just so draining, so eager to make nice and act normal when nothing is normal. Every time I muster up a smile my mother says something stupid like how nice it is to see me smile again. Of course, this starts a cycle where I get self-conscious and the smile disappears, resulting in the inevitable awkward exchange where I get bitchy and my mother falls so naturally into her martyr role. No, I can't go up tonight; I will wait. It is more important for me to save my energy for tomorrow. Will said I would need it and I believe him.

I replay the entire interaction with Will in my head over and over. This is one of my many compulsions, re-hashing the minute details, thinking about what I should have done, should have said. I spend hour after hour analyzing everything that was said and done to me, good and bad. I feel panicked about pretty much everything Will told me. It all seems like an insurmountable task, but the idea of losing weight, even a pound, what is really throwing me for a loop. I make a mental note to talk to Dr. Dalton about this in our next session on Thursday.

Dalton will be proud to hear that I took the first step today. We have been working on this for well over a year, with hours spent working through all the "roadblocks" I have set up to safeguard myself from possible danger. In Dalton's mind, they are all arbitrary reasons I have created to hold myself back from taking this very important first step. Dalton is no joke; he calls me out whenever he can, which is often because I am so full of my own shit.

Arbitrary Roadblock #1: Money. Personal training is expensive. This is really a non-issue as I don't lack for that after the civil suit, it is just that I hate touching a cent of it. I only have it because I shed so much of my own blood and tears. I paid for it with my pain and sanity, a price too high.

Arbitrary Roadblock #2: Being around groups of people. I can't tolerate groups of people very well. You never know who will reach out and touch you or recognize you. Once people know who I am and what happened to me, the inane and inappropriate questions begin and I feel trapped. So I am going to have private lessons. Meaning I'll be alone with only one stranger, which is also terrifying. But somehow Will seems familiar to me, maybe because he knows Dino or because I don't feel judged by him.

Arbitrary Roadblock #3: Commitment. The idea of committing myself to being somewhere at a specific time on a regular basis causes me never-ending stress, and even my appointments with Dalton are a struggle. Like I told Will, some mornings I wake up and can't leave my bed. I can't bring myself to face the outside world, the people.

Not So Arbitrary Roadblock #4: My inability to be touched. This is really the only roadblock that holds any water. I can't stand the thought of anyone's hands on me. Not even my mother's.

Being in the hospital for two weeks wasn't much different from being tied up and dominated by Simon. I was in the bed, hooked up to wires and IV's, strangers were in and out of my room at all times of the day and night at their whim, touching me, exposing me and there was nothing I could do but lay there and take it. Every person who made their way into my room had the same look etched on to their faces a mix of fear and pity; Friends, family, nurses, doctors, the guy who brought my food. It was their pity that made me feel so weak and small, the fact that they knew what had been done to me, the entire world knew how helpless, pathetic and how used and broken I was. I promised myself that I would never feel that way again.

Enduring what I did with Simon was the flint to the flame, and my mind became the dry wood and oxygen. I allowed the phobia and fear to grow into a raging fire, and I couldn't stop what I started. I didn't have the strength to fight my own head. It was no surprise to anyone that I developed PSTD, and it led to panic attacks and nightmares, as well as lost time where I would drift off and replay over and over again what happened to me. The counting, the inability to leave the house, the tics and the compulsions were too much to fight. So I allowed the fire to burn me, until I was just ash blowing in the wind; the charred ground was the only proof that I existed at all.

As much as I want to change and be normal again, I still like my isolation and my rules; I like the kiss of the flame because it gives me a sense of safety and keeps people at a nice distance. Dalton has attempted a variety of treatments over the years with me, and he has said he doesn't believe that I am broken, just a little bent. He finally told me that the best treatments in the world will not work until I make the decision to allow myself to be touched. And until I am ready, it will continue to be a cause of stress and panic.

I can't even begin to imagine how many nights I have laid awake in my bed, trying to convince myself that tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow I will let my mother hug me. Tomorrow I will shake Dalton's hand. Tomorrow I will high five my dad while we watch football. Tomorrow I will dance with my cousin Jeff, a silly series of movements we made up as kids. Tomorrow I will let my best friend Laurel cut my hair or let Dino hold me again. But morning comes, the day moves forward, minutes turn into hours and I can't do it. And before you know it, hours turn into days and years have passed. Five years of tomorrows.

With shaky hands, I pour myself a glass of red wine, and took a large sip. It hits my empty stomach with a vengeance and I turn my attention to dinner. I stand in front of the fridge, looking for anything and nothing in particular. I settle on eggs and toast, fishing some home fries out of the freezer, my usual go-to. I sit at my small kitchen island, quietly eating and sipping my second glass of wine, contented and even a little proud. Today, I took the first step and I survived.

"Well you're on time. That's a great sign." Will's wholehearted smile greets me as I walk through the door into the large studio, which is empty. I sheepishly walk up to the front desk, wondering what time the receptionist comes in, and I set the heavy bag full of bottled water down. Just walking a mile with that bag was a workout.

"Where is everyone? I was expecting a class to be going on, with instructors you know… instructing." He looks at me blankly, like I am asking a stupid question, and suddenly I feel like I am.

"I don't have a class until noon today. I am the only instructor and I tend to have more evening classes than day ones; it's really up to the consensus of my students."

"Oh, what about the receptionist? When does she get here?"

"Well, I, uh…I don't have one; it's just me. Chief, cook and bottle washer."

"Okay, so...we are here by ourselves then?" I can feel the blood drain from my face, and the beginnings of doubt are casting their long-reaching shadows over me.

"Uh, yeah. I assumed you knew that. Private lessons…like I said, it's just me. Not that I wouldn't like to have a bunch of instructors one day. Is that going to be a problem? I mean I understand if it is but I assure you Amy, you are safe here with me."

"No, it's fine. I think...I just... never mind. So um, where do we start?"

"Well, my students usually go to a gym for cardio and weights and then come here for the self-defense and mixed martial arts classes. But, I gave this some thought… a lot of thought, actually… we are gonna do this a little differently for you, okay? Take it slow…get you comfortable and then we can build a real game plan. I own the building and live in the apartment upstairs, so I have a treadmill, a bike and weights on site for my personal use, and we are going to start with those. They are over there. Let's start with the bike first." He points to a small area in the back corner behind a pony wall.

I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat. I can feel the wave of panic crash over me; it starts to push me over and pull me under. I take a deep breath, hearing Dalton's voice in my head, telling me to focus on today, not yesterday. I take another deep breath and see myself riding on the bike and running on that treadmill. I am going to do this. I glance at Will who is looking at me intently, as if he is trying to will his strength to me. If only I could absorb it by osmosis we would be on to something.

"Okay, let's go before I lose my nerve."

After an hour of this, I want to die. I am covered in a film of sweat, with wayward strands of hair plastered to my forehead, and my usually pale skin is blazing red. Every muscle in my body burns, my feet ache, and my lower back feels broken. I am panting and cursing, a graceless creature. All the while, Will is standing over me, counting down over and over again. The numbers are a soothing balm, getting me through because numbers and counting are something I can understand, something to which I can relate.

"You're doing a great job Amy. Really, I am impressed."

"I...used...to...run..." I manage to pant out between heavy, gasping breaths.

"Really?" He looks shocked and I want to come up with a snarky comeback but all I can do is nod my response as he decreases the speed on the treadmill. "5...4...3...2...Okay Amy, we're done." As the treadmill finally slows to a walking pace, I feel like I am going to puke. When he gives me the signal, I jump off quickly, hoping that we are really done. We aren't. Next we move on to weights and squats. It is at this point that I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I can't last for another second, as the bile rises in my throat, choking me, tears in my eyes.

"See the metal cans scattered around?" My eyes dart around the room and I nod yes. "Those are for puking; it happens more often than not." I take a deep breath, swallowing.

"No. I'm good. I hate to throw up. It's just mind over matter, right?"

"Are you sure?" Again I just nod. "You're a little trooper. And you're right; it is mind over matter, in all things, Amy. In all things." There is an undercurrent, like there is so much more lurking beneath his words, like he knows from experience what it is like to endure and to triumph.

"We're gonna stretch now okay? The hard part is over." I smile broadly, wanting to throw my weary body to the ground and fall fast asleep. Instead I copy his movements, stretching my arms, legs and back. He cracks open a bottle of water, handing it to me. I drink a large sip, desperate for the hydration.

"So, you used to run?"

"Yeah, you don't have to look so shocked. When I was younger, before... well, just before. I played volley ball in high school, too."

"That's good. Muscles have memory. You had good form on the treadmill;, I was pleasantly surprised." Thankfully, my cheeks are already red from the exhaustion, hiding the fact that I am now blushing.

"Don't be too pleased, I am sure I will disappoint you tomorrow." His smile turns into a frown and he takes a step closer to me, with a kindness in his eyes that takes me by surprise.

"Don't do that, Amy. You did well today. Take pride in that. A year ago you couldn't even walk in the door and now you just completed your first work out. And I won't see you tomorrow; you need a day of rest. You are going to be in pain tomorrow. I will see you on Friday...same time, same station."

"Uh, we're done?"

"Yeah, we are."

"I did it." My voice cracks and my throat begin to burn.

"Yeah, you did." In an instant, the room feels very small. The endorphins pumping through my body are overwhelming and tears well up in my eyes. I did it – I finally did it. Fat, hot tears pour down my cheeks and I am helpless to stop them. For once my crying feels like a release not a restriction. I wipe them away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and take a deep breath.

"Amy, are you okay?" His voice is barely a whisper.

"Yeah, I am. I just need a minute. This... this was my Everest."

"Your Everest." He laughs loudly, the sound echoing up to the rafters and I can't help but join him. The perfect harmony of our combined voices filling the large space, making me recall how much I used to love laughing. This is the lightest I have felt in years. The laughter fades away and an easy silence falls between us as I pack up my bag, getting ready to leave.

"I spoke to Dino yesterday after you left." I instantly know they spent their time talking about me, which makes me self-conscious. I wonder how much Dino told him. Not too much I am sure; Dino's unabashed loyalty is the one thing I am sure of, the one port in the storm.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... He says hello and to call him. He can't wait to hear how today went."

"I will. He is a great man..."

"That he is, and a great friend." Will's voice drops an octave. I can feel his words, and I know he really means them.

"Okay, Will. See you Friday."


	4. Chapter 3 - Everest

Chapter 3: Roadblocks

I live with my parents, here in the seemingly idealist home in which I grew up. At first, I lived in the main part of the home with them, but I was eventually able to move down into the basement apartment. I also just renovated it last year. I don't want to be here but I don't want to live alone again either. So basically I am trapped in a prison of my own design, complete with subway tiles in the kitchen, a front-loading washing machine and pocket doors.

My parents, Billy and Leigh, just didn't know how to deal with me after I got home from the hospital. I didn't speak for weeks, and then I couldn't leave the house for nearly a year after the trial was over. Long after the bruises and busted bones were healed and the burns and open wounds scarred over, they still looked at me like I was broken. My parent's eyes always gave away all their unspoken feelings: the hurt, the pain and the regret were always there. They would never see me the same way again, the image of me lying in the hospital, screaming and crying was eternally etched into their brains. The life-sized photos detailing every inch of my damaged flesh that had been paraded in court had sadly overshadowed all of the happy images from the twenty-one years that had come before.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for them as the story of what happened to me unfolded on the news: the stories of my relationship with Simon; the stories about his relationships with women in general; all the sordid details being bent and broken until the truth was just a suggestion, a pale shadow dying in the darkness.

The media had a field day: There was me, a young middle class woman who worked for Archer global. My career path was set in motion because of Simon's intervention. At first they framed me as a gold digger, a social climber, trying to ease her way into a rich, prominent British family living in New York. They were calling the Archers the British Kennedys. Simon was the JFK, their good-looking single, millionaire son. He was a sight to behold, and they showed photos of him on the family yacht, bare-chested on the beach, getting in and out of various limos. It was like they couldn't believe that someone so seemingly perfect, so unbearably attractive could be capable of something so ugly.

Then the rumors of our "unconventional" sex life hit the front page. Ex-girlfriends even came out of the woodwork with stories about Simon's proclivities, things that even came as shock to me. Their tales were not nearly as severe as mine, they were hauntingly familiar, a preamble to Simon's ultimate treachery. The coverage reached a fever pitch, culminating with the stories my abduction, rape, torture and finally, my unexpected salvation. And then just when the coverage died down a bit, the trial began thrusting my family and me back into the eye of the raging storm.

It was a three-ring circus, all leading to an inevitable mistrial after Simon's suicide attempt stoked the media flame again. Then he was committed under court order in lieu of a re-trial and prison time, under the guise that he did not have the mental capacity to stand trial. This was a gift and a curse: I wouldn't have to bear the weight of another trial, but Simon would never really pay for his crimes and he would surely be released sooner. I was not sure I believed that his suicide attempt was anything more than a ploy to avoid jail. I knew him better than anyone and he was too self-absorbed and vain to take his own life.

It happened the day after my testimony. It was the one and only time I was in the courthouse, in the same building as Simon. I could feel him there, I could always feel him. Because of my delicate state, an exception was made, and I was allowed to give my testimony after hours in the judge's chambers with only the DA, Simon's attorney present. The whole ordeal was videotaped and shown to the jury the next day. Hours later, Simon tried to hang himself in his apartment. His was note addressed to me, telling me how much he loved me and how he was sorry for everything…a final manipulation.

The private civil suit was the cherry on top of the cluster fuck that had become my life. The Archer family and I were close; my relationship with Simon had made me part of their family. They were as horrified by his actions as everyone else, and surprised too, with the exception of his father, Miles, who knew what his son was truly capable of. Miles thought of me like a daughter, and the family was quick to give me money, but I didn't want a cent of it. It was literally blood money but my parents insisted. I needed the security that only money could offer, and money had a way of making things easier. I couldn't leave the house or earn a living. Plus, who in their right mind would want to hire Amy Knightly; my name was as broken as my mind.

There were photographers outside my door every day, and it was a perfect storm of media scrutiny with my family smack dab in the middle of it. I grew up in Queens, New York. My dad, Billy, was a postman, while my mom, Leigh, taught high school French. They went to church on Sunday, had potlucks and BBQ's with their friends, went to the Cape for two weeks every summer and skied at our family cabin in Vermont on the weekends in the winter. Mom and Dad were perfectly ordinary, and happily so.

Then in a blink of an eye we were a lightning rod for attention, the wrong kind of attention, and I was to blame. We had always been so close – the curse of the only child – but now a wedge had been driven between the three of us. It was the ever-present elephant in the room, sitting in the corner eating peanuts, spitting the shells in our faces, and laughing. I hated that fucking elephant.

I flick on the lights in my shiny new kitchen, debating whether I want to venture upstairs and tell my parents the news about my day. My therapist told me it was imperative that I try to include them more, that shutting them out served no purpose. I wholeheartedly disagree, because it definitely serves a purpose; it allows me to retain the small shred of sanity I have left. I would go up to talk but they are just so draining, so eager to make nice and act normal when nothing is normal. Every time I muster up a smile my mother says something stupid like how nice it is to see me smile again. Of course, this starts a cycle where I get self-conscious and the smile disappears, resulting in the inevitable awkward exchange where I get bitchy and my mother falls so naturally into her martyr role. No, I can't go up tonight; I will wait. It is more important for me to save my energy for tomorrow. Will said I would need it and I believe him.

I replay the entire interaction with Will in my head over and over. This is one of my many compulsions, re-hashing the minute details, thinking about what I should have done, should have said. I spend hour after hour analyzing everything that was said and done to me, good and bad. I feel panicked about pretty much everything Will told me. It all seems like an insurmountable task, but the idea of losing weight, even a pound, what is really throwing me for a loop. I make a mental note to talk to Dr. Dalton about this in our next session on Thursday.

Dalton will be proud to hear that I took the first step today. We have been working on this for well over a year, with hours spent working through all the "roadblocks" I have set up to safeguard myself from possible danger. In Dalton's mind, they are all arbitrary reasons I have created to hold myself back from taking this very important first step. Dalton is no joke; he calls me out whenever he can, which is often because I am so full of my own shit.

Arbitrary Roadblock #1: Money. Personal training is expensive. This is really a non-issue as I don't lack for that after the civil suit, it is just that I hate touching a cent of it. I only have it because I shed so much of my own blood and tears. I paid for it with my pain and sanity, a price too high.

Arbitrary Roadblock #2: Being around groups of people. I can't tolerate groups of people very well. You never know who will reach out and touch you or recognize you. Once people know who I am and what happened to me, the inane and inappropriate questions begin and I feel trapped. So I am going to have private lessons. Meaning I'll be alone with only one stranger, which is also terrifying. But somehow Will seems familiar to me, maybe because he knows Dino or because I don't feel judged by him.

Arbitrary Roadblock #3: Commitment. The idea of committing myself to being somewhere at a specific time on a regular basis causes me never-ending stress, and even my appointments with Dalton are a struggle. Like I told Will, some mornings I wake up and can't leave my bed. I can't bring myself to face the outside world, the people.

Not So Arbitrary Roadblock #4: My inability to be touched. This is really the only roadblock that holds any water. I can't stand the thought of anyone's hands on me. Not even my mother's.

Being in the hospital for two weeks wasn't much different from being tied up and dominated by Simon. I was in the bed, hooked up to wires and IV's, strangers were in and out of my room at all times of the day and night at their whim, touching me, exposing me and there was nothing I could do but lay there and take it. Every person who made their way into my room had the same look etched on to their faces a mix of fear and pity; Friends, family, nurses, doctors, the guy who brought my food. It was their pity that made me feel so weak and small, the fact that they knew what had been done to me, the entire world knew how helpless, pathetic and how used and broken I was. I promised myself that I would never feel that way again.

Enduring what I did with Simon was the flint to the flame, and my mind became the dry wood and oxygen. I allowed the phobia and fear to grow into a raging fire, and I couldn't stop what I started. I didn't have the strength to fight my own head. It was no surprise to anyone that I developed PSTD, and it led to panic attacks and nightmares, as well as lost time where I would drift off and replay over and over again what happened to me. The counting, the inability to leave the house, the tics and the compulsions were too much to fight. So I allowed the fire to burn me, until I was just ash blowing in the wind; the charred ground was the only proof that I existed at all.

As much as I want to change and be normal again, I still like my isolation and my rules; I like the kiss of the flame because it gives me a sense of safety and keeps people at a nice distance. Dalton has attempted a variety of treatments over the years with me, and he has said he doesn't believe that I am broken, just a little bent. He finally told me that the best treatments in the world will not work until I make the decision to allow myself to be touched. And until I am ready, it will continue to be a cause of stress and panic.

I can't even begin to imagine how many nights I have laid awake in my bed, trying to convince myself that tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow I will let my mother hug me. Tomorrow I will shake Dalton's hand. Tomorrow I will high five my dad while we watch football. Tomorrow I will dance with my cousin Jeff, a silly series of movements we made up as kids. Tomorrow I will let my best friend Laurel cut my hair or let Dino hold me again. But morning comes, the day moves forward, minutes turn into hours and I can't do it. And before you know it, hours turn into days and years have passed. Five years of tomorrows.

With shaky hands, I pour myself a glass of red wine, and took a large sip. It hits my empty stomach with a vengeance and I turn my attention to dinner. I stand in front of the fridge, looking for anything and nothing in particular. I settle on eggs and toast, fishing some home fries out of the freezer, my usual go-to. I sit at my small kitchen island, quietly eating and sipping my second glass of wine, contented and even a little proud. Today, I took the first step and I survived.

"Well you're on time. That's a great sign." Will's wholehearted smile greets me as I walk through the door into the large studio, which is empty. I sheepishly walk up to the front desk, wondering what time the receptionist comes in, and I set the heavy bag full of bottled water down. Just walking a mile with that bag was a workout.

"Where is everyone? I was expecting a class to be going on, with instructors you know… instructing." He looks at me blankly, like I am asking a stupid question, and suddenly I feel like I am.

"I don't have a class until noon today. I am the only instructor and I tend to have more evening classes than day ones; it's really up to the consensus of my students."

"Oh, what about the receptionist? When does she get here?"

"Well, I, uh…I don't have one; it's just me. Chief, cook and bottle washer."

"Okay, so...we are here by ourselves then?" I can feel the blood drain from my face, and the beginnings of doubt are casting their long-reaching shadows over me.

"Uh, yeah. I assumed you knew that. Private lessons…like I said, it's just me. Not that I wouldn't like to have a bunch of instructors one day. Is that going to be a problem? I mean I understand if it is but I assure you Amy, you are safe here with me."

"No, it's fine. I think...I just... never mind. So um, where do we start?"

"Well, my students usually go to a gym for cardio and weights and then come here for the self-defense and mixed martial arts classes. But, I gave this some thought… a lot of thought, actually… we are gonna do this a little differently for you, okay? Take it slow…get you comfortable and then we can build a real game plan. I own the building and live in the apartment upstairs, so I have a treadmill, a bike and weights on site for my personal use, and we are going to start with those. They are over there. Let's start with the bike first." He points to a small area in the back corner behind a pony wall.

I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat. I can feel the wave of panic crash over me; it starts to push me over and pull me under. I take a deep breath, hearing Dalton's voice in my head, telling me to focus on today, not yesterday. I take another deep breath and see myself riding on the bike and running on that treadmill. I am going to do this. I glance at Will who is looking at me intently, as if he is trying to will his strength to me. If only I could absorb it by osmosis we would be on to something.

"Okay, let's go before I lose my nerve."

After an hour of this, I want to die. I am covered in a film of sweat, with wayward strands of hair plastered to my forehead, and my usually pale skin is blazing red. Every muscle in my body burns, my feet ache, and my lower back feels broken. I am panting and cursing, a graceless creature. All the while, Will is standing over me, counting down over and over again. The numbers are a soothing balm, getting me through because numbers and counting are something I can understand, something to which I can relate.

"You're doing a great job Amy. Really, I am impressed."

"I...used...to...run..." I manage to pant out between heavy, gasping breaths.

"Really?" He looks shocked and I want to come up with a snarky comeback but all I can do is nod my response as he decreases the speed on the treadmill. "5...4...3...2...Okay Amy, we're done." As the treadmill finally slows to a walking pace, I feel like I am going to puke. When he gives me the signal, I jump off quickly, hoping that we are really done. We aren't. Next we move on to weights and squats. It is at this point that I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I can't last for another second, as the bile rises in my throat, choking me, tears in my eyes.

"See the metal cans scattered around?" My eyes dart around the room and I nod yes. "Those are for puking; it happens more often than not." I take a deep breath, swallowing.

"No. I'm good. I hate to throw up. It's just mind over matter, right?"

"Are you sure?" Again I just nod. "You're a little trooper. And you're right; it is mind over matter, in all things, Amy. In all things." There is an undercurrent, like there is so much more lurking beneath his words, like he knows from experience what it is like to endure and to triumph.

"We're gonna stretch now okay? The hard part is over." I smile broadly, wanting to throw my weary body to the ground and fall fast asleep. Instead I copy his movements, stretching my arms, legs and back. He cracks open a bottle of water, handing it to me. I drink a large sip, desperate for the hydration.

"So, you used to run?"

"Yeah, you don't have to look so shocked. When I was younger, before... well, just before. I played volley ball in high school, too."

"That's good. Muscles have memory. You had good form on the treadmill;, I was pleasantly surprised." Thankfully, my cheeks are already red from the exhaustion, hiding the fact that I am now blushing.

"Don't be too pleased, I am sure I will disappoint you tomorrow." His smile turns into a frown and he takes a step closer to me, with a kindness in his eyes that takes me by surprise.

"Don't do that, Amy. You did well today. Take pride in that. A year ago you couldn't even walk in the door and now you just completed your first work out. And I won't see you tomorrow; you need a day of rest. You are going to be in pain tomorrow. I will see you on Friday...same time, same station."

"Uh, we're done?"

"Yeah, we are."

"I did it." My voice cracks and my throat begin to burn.

"Yeah, you did." In an instant, the room feels very small. The endorphins pumping through my body are overwhelming and tears well up in my eyes. I did it – I finally did it. Fat, hot tears pour down my cheeks and I am helpless to stop them. For once my crying feels like a release not a restriction. I wipe them away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and take a deep breath.

"Amy, are you okay?" His voice is barely a whisper.

"Yeah, I am. I just need a minute. This... this was my Everest."

"Your Everest." He laughs loudly, the sound echoing up to the rafters and I can't help but join him. The perfect harmony of our combined voices filling the large space, making me recall how much I used to love laughing. This is the lightest I have felt in years. The laughter fades away and an easy silence falls between us as I pack up my bag, getting ready to leave.

"I spoke to Dino yesterday after you left." I instantly know they spent their time talking about me, which makes me self-conscious. I wonder how much Dino told him. Not too much I am sure; Dino's unabashed loyalty is the one thing I am sure of, the one port in the storm.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... He says hello and to call him. He can't wait to hear how today went."

"I will. He is a great man..."

"That he is, and a great friend." Will's voice drops an octave. I can feel his words, and I know he really means them.

"Okay, Will. See you Friday."


	5. Chapter 4 - Irrevocable

Chapter 4: Irrevocable

I finally passed out, the overwhelming pain mixed with the smell of my burning flesh was so intense that I could actually feel myself slipping away, the darkness coming down on me like a shade on a window. Counting was no longer an option; the numbers weren't enough to take me away from this place. My punishment today was severe, due to Simon's increasing frustration with me and my "stubborn streak" as he used to jokingly call it when we were happy and together. Now it was something he was trying to break me of, my beloved stubborn streak. In the horrifying moment before the darkness descended, I realized that he would keep me alive until he finally achieved his ultimate goal, to break me. He wouldn't be happy until every part of my being submitted to his will…and really, hadn't that been the case from the very beginning?

The entirety of our relationship had involved me bending and Simon shaping me, changing me. Every day, Simon had pushed me just past my limits, only to extend them further each and every time until no lines existed and everything was open for opportunity. He had made me crave him like a drug, need him like a child needs a parent, until my want for him was driving me like an insatiable hunger. Long ago, it had gotten to the point that I couldn't see where I ended and he began. My pain was his pain, his happiness was my happiness. We were tethered and bound to one another, such that leaving him seemed like an impossible, insurmountable task. Which it was, leaving him was unthinkable, until I made the decision to do it. But, Simon had left me absolutely no other choice, no other recourse but to walk away from him, because he had pushed me too far past my already extended limits.

I had left his apartment in the night, as he slept soundly…the night he had broken me, broken us. I agreed to meet him for coffee two days later. I had avoided him for forty eight hours, which was the longest we had ever been apart due to disagreement or a fight. I missed him terribly, wishing we could go back and undo what had been done, what he had done.

I remember being grateful the café was crowded, not wanting to be alone with him, not trusting myself, not trusting him. I also had my cousin, Jeff, stationed at the McDonald's around the corner just in case things went badly. Leaving Simon, and staying away, was the hardest thing I ever did, loving him the way that I did, being loved by him the way that I was. I resisted all his manipulations to dissuade me, his protestations that things would be different if I just gave him another chance, us another chance.

The look of shock and awe on Simon's perfectly structured face when I told him we were over was imprinted deeply, every second, every detail of those few minutes immortalized, right down to the smell of over-roasted coffee and the hint of disinfectant from the bathroom. There was a baby crying in the background, the sound mirroring my emotions. Simon's eyes were dark and heavy, and I could tell he had not been sleeping. I wondered if his nightmares had returned. He kept tapping his long, manicured fingers on the table as I spoke. He was in complete disbelief, as if he couldn't imagine a world where I would leave him, a world in which he was powerless, a world where I could control what he was feeling, rather than the other way around.

His heartfelt apology almost worked; it felt so real, so true. I wanted to pretend like that night's events never happened and just curl up in his arms. But I couldn't – greater forces were at play. I fought the urge to cry, the urge to kiss him, and focused on what I knew to be true: the irrevocable, undeniable, unthinkable fact that he was bad for me, dangerous even, despite all of the good. And there was so much good. The way he held me in the morning, not wanting to let me go. How he took care of me when I was ill. How I was acutely aware every time Simon walked into the room because my body and my spirit were so attuned to his. How he believed in me and what I was capable of. The way I felt when he kissed me, like the world stopped and that I was loved, truly loved. He was always taking care of me, able to anticipate my needs and my wants.

But Simon had a dark side that ran deep and I was only a few shallow feet in. He also had rampant possessiveness, a need to control, dark moods, paranoia and quick anger.

Simon utterly lacked the ability to accept 'no' for an answer. He had always been quick to question my motives, accusing me of being a gold digger, a mole for his father, always pushing me away and then chasing me when I ran. We had pushed and pushed each other, neither one wanting to bend, yet somehow it was always me who bent in the end. The power he wielded over me affected my relationships with everyone in my inner circle. He demanded to know where I was and who I was with at all times, saying it was for my safety. I was rapidly losing myself and becoming what Simon wanted and needed, from the way that I dressed, to the foods that I ate, and the places I would go. I became caught up in his life, effectively leaving mine in the dust. In a matter of months, the girl I knew was gone. The strong, independent, focused Amy was a fading memory and I wanted her back. Sitting in the coffee shop across from Simon, I needed her now more than ever.

I spoke quickly, trying to explain that I needed space, that I needed distance. I tried to explain that I loved him but he had gone too far. That I didn't trust him with my mind or my body and that our relationship had to end because despite how much I loved him, I loved myself more. I asked him not to call me, to let me go. I returned the large diamond necklace he had just given me for my birthday, the velvet box tickling the tips of my fingers as I passed it back to him.

My hand lingered over his for a moment too long and he wove our fingers together. His glassy eyes locked with mine, as if he was willing me to stay, casting a silent spell over me. It took everything I had, every ounce of strength and Jeff's voice in my head, but I broke eye contact with him and withdrew my hand from his. I could feel the pull and the growing distance as the palm of my hand slid away from his. I stood from the table, and even surrounded by this sea of people, I was afraid to look him in the eye again. I could feel my knees go weak, my resolve breaking, and I knew my will would not strong enough to resist him much longer.

I looked at him just for a moment, because I needed to make sure I was doing the right thing. My gut told me I was, and I turned to leave. He stood quickly and grabbed my still bruised and tender wrist, reminding me why I was leaving him. He said my name in a voice that was not his own and gave my wrist a harsh squeeze forcing me to meet his gaze. His eyes filled with sadness and some other emotion I couldn't quite place at the time. Of course, later I became well acquainted with that look, the look of pure insanity, when he was experiencing the complete loss of control. He gritted his teeth, and a cold chill went through my body when he told me that it wasn't over until he said it was.

* * *

I woke up dizzy and disoriented, not knowing how much time had passed. Time was an abstract concept; seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours. The last thing I clearly remembered was his relentless, the same few repetitive questions and the darkness and searing pain coursing through my body time and again. Now the bright sun poured through my windows, highlighting the dust that was floating like flecks of glitter in the air. The rich, earthy scent of coffee brewing filled my nostrils and I inhaled deeply. It was morning; I had survived another night.

My restraints had been changed, from tightly bound ropes to loosely fastened handcuffs. The wounds around my wrists and ankles had been cleaned and dressed with a numbing cream and gauze. There was a salve on my thighs, forming a much needed barrier between the air and my blistered skin. A large pack of ice rested on my belly, the drips of cold water tickling my hips. I was grateful that it was numbing the burning pain of the ravaged, blistered skin beneath. The faint smell of burning flesh still lingered in the air, reminding me that what I had endured wasn't just a bad dream.

I stretched slightly, trying to ease the numbness in my back, and a sharp profound pain shot through my pelvis straight to my core. It took my breath away as my body recoiled, pulling on my restraints waiting for the pain to run its course. I had to pee badly, so I tightened my muscles, remembering the punishment I endured when I was unable to hold it last time. The pain finally subsided enough so I could relax back against the bed.

I strained my ears trying to figure out where Simon was, almost hoping he was in the apartment[ED1] , [U2] hoping he would allow me to use the bathroom. I had to rely on him for everything, food, water. I was able to lock in on the faint sound of the water hitting the shower floor. I longed to feel the hot water on my skin again, washing away everything that my body had been through, but I knew deep down it would never happen. I was going to die; Simon was going to kill me.

I kept wondering why he had taken the time to dress my wounds at all. Was his act of kindness part of a bigger plan? I didn't dare to imagine what he could possibly do to me next. He had used all his usual tricks, with added ferocity, and he even took me by surprise with some others: the cane, the wax, the burns, and the blood. What more could my body endure?

Long ago in a lost tender moment, he once told me his mind was a playground for darkness or light depending on his mood and that I kept his mood full of light. Now the depths of his darkness felt boundless, like a dank place of foreboding, the place where my life would end.

I could feel myself ready to break, ready to give him what he wanted, what he had always wanted. The growing fear took over me, clouding my mind and my judgment because I just wanted this to be over. I began to cry, uncontrollable silent sobs. The uncontrollable swell of tears rolled down on to the pillow beneath me. Today would be the day I would die. I would never see my parents again, never walk down the street and feel the cold winter air on my face. I would never see Europe with Laurel, or the Grand Canyon with Jeff, never run the NYC Marathon. I would never have a child, the family I had once dreamed about having with Simon, the wedding and the life we had sat up one night planning together.

Everything I had intended and planned for my life was gone, and had been since the moment I met Simon. I just didn't know it at the time. The last seconds of my life would be spent with a monster, my monster. The worst part of it all was the knowledge that he would get away; he would do all of this to me – as well as the people who love me – and just hop on a private plane and vanish. And there was nothing I could do to stop it; he had rendered me powerless. I wanted to scream, thrash around, break free from my restraints, but all I could do was lay there broken and helpless waiting for him.

My cell phone began to ring a series of Japanese chimes, taunting me just a few inches away on my night stand. I didn't even bother looking over to see who it was, knowing I would never be able reach it and talk to the person on the other end of the line. I thought of my mother, my father, my best friend Laurel, my cousin Jeff, all the people I loved most. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the sound of the ringing and began to say to myself all the things I wished they could hear, even though the words would never leave the confines of my head. I allowed my eyes to close and drifted off to sleep, knowing that when Simon woke me next, it would be to end it all. In my last thought before sleep found me, I wondered what death would feel like.

In the distance, I heard a noise like a key in my door and I thought I was dreaming. Then a loud bang echoed through the apartment causing me to jolt awake, eyes wide, my heart racing in my chest. I heard the shower shut off, and Simon cursed, saying my name, believing I had somehow made the loud noise. Then rushed footfalls sounded on my wooden floor, but I could not tell which direction they were coming from. Confused, I strained to lift my upper body to get a better vantage point, causing the bag of ice to slump from my abdomen to the floor.

A feeling of hope began to build in my belly as I saw a man standing over me, eyes wide and full of shock, gun drawn. His body was tight, as his eyes kept darting around the room and then back to me. Was I dreaming? It took a moment for my mind to catch up with what I was seeing, and I was still in shock as this stranger's body turned with his gun pointed at Simon, who stood there wet and naked. The stranger was yelling at him to get down. The next thing I heard was a battle cry as Simon charged and a gunshot rang out.


	6. Chapter 5 - Boundaries

"Hey there Kiddo." Dino's reassuring voice came thru the phone and I smiled. Detective Dino D'Elia, had somehow become one of my only friends, over the last five years he always kept a watchful eye over me. Always remembering my birthday, calling me often just to make sure I was ok. Talking to me for hours, the same things over and over never getting impatient or angry. At first I think it was because of his guilt, his feeling responsible for me but over time that dissipated and we were able to become real friends. Real friends are a hard thing to come by when you're me.

"Hey yourself."

"A big old ugly bird told me that you took the first step yesterday." I could hear the pride in his voice and it pulled at me in a way I wasn't expecting. Dino had been there with me. It was his face I saw in the darkest moment of my life. The moment where I surrendered myself to my impending demise. It was Dino that un-cuffed my hands and feet, and tenderly removed the gag from my mouth. It was Dino who held the bottle of water to my lips allowing me to drink. It was Dino that wrapped my body in a blanket, carried me to the bathroom, holding me as I sobbed. It was Dino that left Simon handcuffed to the radiator, naked, cold, wet, bleeding from the gunshot to his knee. Screaming and cursing in pain.

"That is true, in fact I just had my first session with Will. I am walking home from it as we speak." There was silence, Dino said nothing. "Hello you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here. Amy did you let Will touch you?" I could hear hope in his voice and I was sorry I was about to disappoint him.

"God no, not yet. This was like treadmill and weights and stuff."

"But you're working on it..."

"That I am."

"Does Dalton know?"

"Not yet, I am seeing him tomorrow."

"He will be pleased."

"Yes I think he really will be. I am excited to tell him"

"Lets do breakfast on Saturday. I need to talk to you." His voice was neutral, but I could tell something was up.

"Dino is everything OK?"

"Uh, Yeah. I can't really talk now..."

"The diner?"

"Of course."

"Ok. Usual time?"

"Yeah."

* * *

"So how do you feel Amy?" Dr. Thomas Dalton looked at me over his frameless glasses, his deep grey eyes giving nothing away. He was in his forties, his hair was smattered with just the right amount of silver and was long over due for a hair cut. He usually wore jeans or cords, never stuffy or formal. That just was not his style. His office was small but cozy. Warm wood shelves cluttered with books of all kinds, a worn leather sofa and chair the color of oxblood. His desk was old, painted metal, retro, a stack of books where a leg used to be.

"I feel, better… In control I guess." I picked at a non existent hangnail, until I made my cuticle bleed. Five years without a professional manicure can wreak havoc on your nails, you really have no idea. If Simon could see my hands right now he would have a fit. He always made sure my hands and feet were done, sending a girl to my office once a week.

"You guess?" I hated when he would repeat my words back to me. I squirmed in my seat, my muscles sore from the previous days workout.

"Well... it felt amazing, better then amazing! Just going there is the first place, walking in the front door. Finally after all this time, all the hours spent visualizing it, to finally be there. And then the actual workout, the sweating… the exertion, it felt like a real step. Like when I came here for the first time. I was choosing to move forward." He nodded and smiled, jotting something down in his notebook. "Um, there is one thing that is freaking me out?"

"Just one thing?" He asked in jest, cocking his head to one side a smirk on his face.

"Ha ha. Ok there are many things that are freaking me out, but one thing that is sticking out to me." He raised his eyebrow, silently urging me to go on. "Will...um William mentioned that weight loss would be inevitable..."

"And that makes you feel..."

"Anxious, scared, out of control and a million other bad things."

"Well the weight you've gained has been subconscious but also intentional. You have created a situation where you have rendered yourself, at least in your mind unattractive to men. But William is right, with the training you are planning to do you are going to drop some weight. I think the thing you should focus on, is the fact that you are in control Amy. You are choosing to learn how to protect yourself, and a byproduct of that is you will get smaller but you will also get stronger."

"That's what he said."

"Will?" I nodded. "You expressed to him your fear of losing weight?"

"I did, was that wrong?" He scribbled something in his book, paused and then began to write again.

"No not at all, that's a good thing. You usually are not so forth coming. You trusted him didn't you?" I thought about that for a moment, there was something in Will that made me instantly trust him. A sense that he was a kindred sprint of sorts.

"Yeah I guess I did, I mean Dino trusts him and I don't know he seemed... I can't explain it... but yes I did trust him."

"Well, at some point he is going to have to touch you, that is where this is all leading. So trusting him is half the battle. But you knew that going in. Again this is a situation of YOUR choosing and design. Now to change the subject before we run out of time, how did your parents take the news?" I was hoping he wouldn't ask about my parents, after we spent most of last weeks session discussing him, I thought I might get a pass. I thought for a second, deciding if I should just lie, but then that would defeat the point.

"Well, I didn't tell them..." I finally blurted out, not meeting his gaze, twisting the fabric of my shirt.

"Amy... what did we discuss last week."

"I know, I do. It's just that... I want to do this with out any expectation, so if it doesn't work out for one reason or another… I don't have to deal with everyone's feelings about it. I do want to let them in more... I really do... but not about this. This is just for me."

"I understand that Amy, but it was you expressed a desire to have real connections with people again. Your parents are a great place to start. You have to make the first steps, they are living with your boundaries not the other way around." I felt like a scolded child, and deep down I knew he was right. They were living with the boundaries that I created, regardless if they wanted to or not.

"I try but they just make me feel so... broken... It's hard for me to be around them. And I think its even harder for them to be around me. I want my parents back and they don't see me as their daughter, they still just the victim."

"Maybe we should try and bring them on for a session again..." I visibly cringed, my entire body rejecting the idea.

"Because that worked so well the first time?" That session with my parents was one of the longest hours of my life, and that is saying a lot considering some of the hours I had endured. My mother crie\d for most of it, somehow making what happened to me all about her. When I called her out about it, she and I fought, while my dad sat there cold and stone faced. At the end of the day it changed nothing. I didn't talk to them for a month afterwards.

"You are in a different place now Amy, I have to say the strides you have made in the past year alone are more the previous four years combined. It's something to think about for next week." He removed his glasses and closed his notebook, his signal that the hour was coming to a close.

"Are we out of time?" I looked at my cell phone and realized that we were, time always went so quickly in his little office.

"That we are. Now, I want you to spend some time this week, visualizing William touching you. What that would look like in your mind, what it would feel like. The good and the bad."

"Ok, then. Next week it is..."


	7. Chapter 6 - Concrete

I left his office feeling more confused then ever. My parents had chosen him as my doctor solely because he was in walking distance from their house. After a year of sleep and pills and long never ending days I finally agreed to go. I fought him tooth and nail the first few weeks but in the end, his unconventional methods and no bull shit mentality were the best thing for me. I was surrounded by people who treated me like a fragile glass figurine. Dr. Dalton was the one person who treated me like I was made of concrete because in his opinion I was. Enduring what I endured, and coming out of it able to function at all. He had worked for years in a state facility with victims of rape and abuse, seeing the worst of the worst day in and day out. In his eyes I was a rock, for not ending up forever in a place like that, bouncing off rubber walls. He said it was my stubborn nature that was making it so hard for me to heal but it was also the thing that kept me alive. My greatest gift and my biggest weakness.

I remember the session so clearly, when he looked me dead in my eye and told me that I was not a victim that I was a survivor, a fighter. That was the day things started to change, I saw myself through his lens and chose to fight for myself, to fight for my sanity. To fight for my future because in that moment I realized that I still had one. My life didn't end because of what Simon did to me, I just needed to fight everyday. I had to chose to live.

Before I started therapy and I was at the height of my mania. Taking four or five showers a day. Mixing my pills with vodka and spending long stretches in bed. Freaking out into full on panic attacks at the smell of coffee or vanilla. Eating out of boredom, loneliness, and self destruction, hunger never coming into play.

I would spend hour after hour, frantically writing in black and white marbled notebooks. All thoughts and feelings in an effort to purge my mind of the never ending loop of thoughts. Tens of note books tucked into the back of my closet, recounting every minute of my captivity, every haunting word, every cut, every burn, every sexual act. Things that I could never bring myself to say out loud, even to Dr. Dalton. Now I often visualize myself burning the books, and dancing around the fire as the smoke drifts up to the sky, along with the memories.

It is what Dr. Dalton calls a good fantasy.

Dalton never really answered my questions, instead he give me things to think about and then lets me stew about it for a week on my own. I had pushed my parents away, that one was on me but looking back they let me do it. I think they wanted the emotional distance as much as I did. In all the time that had passed, I had never sat down and talked to them about what happened to me, not in a real way. I am sure they had so many questions and unresolved feelings, I know I did. But somehow it just never happened and despite our close physical proximity we were hundreds of miles apart emotionally.

* * *

He also gave me the task of working on towards being touched. Over the years we had tried several subjects for my visualization sessions: My parents of course, Dr. Dalton himself, Jeff, Dino, Laurel, my deceased grandparents, various childhood friends, even Simon in an effort to re-wire my feelings and in my mind have the ability to stop him (those were always done in the office, Dalton by my side). And now the focus was Will, a stranger really. He didn't know me before or during, only the after. Only the now and that somehow made it easier.

I sat Indian style on my sofa later that evening, eyes closed, breathing steady trying to create a situation where Will touching me would be acceptable. It would be his the studio, we would be standing in the center of the mats facing one another. He would have his arms extended but bent at the elbow, palms facing me. I would be standing my feet apart, knees slightly bent, my fists drawn. He would have already shown me how to throw a punch, and now I was going to execute his teachings. His voice would command me, left or right and I would throw punch after punch, my knuckles making contact with his bare palms. That could work, quick staccato contact, this was much easier then long drawn out hugs that I visualized from my mother. This is something I could actually do. I just needed some more time.

* * *

The next morning I arrived for my session with Will early, still feeling pain in my abs, calves and biceps but eager to begin again.

"So...How did you feel yesterday?"

"Sore, very very sore, I still do actually. But it was really good for my head and I have never slept so good," A broad smile stretched across his kind face and a strange feeling took root in my chest.

"Good, good. That's what I wanted to hear. We are going to do something a little different today. Have you ever done yoga?" He had a bemused expression on his face, a stark contrast to the confusion on mine.

"Uh, no never... You do Yoga?" I looked up and down at his muscular toned body, and could not imagine him a child's pose. I giggled at the thought.

"I do actually, I have an old back injury and the yoga helps. It's also great for the mind. I noticed that you weren't so flexible so I think we will do yoga going forward on Wednesday and weights and cardio on Monday and Friday. How does that sound to you?" It sounded awful, yoga is for skinny girls with names like Madison and Brooke, girls with manicures and small dogs named Coco. But I was here because Dino said Will knew what he was doing. I had to just let go and trust.

"If you think that's what is best, then I am with you." I finally agreed realizing that I wanted to please him.

"Ok. Good. Lets get started. So just follow my movements." After a few minutes I was bent over, my ass high up in the air, my forearms, abs and calves angry yet again.

"I thought yoga was suppose to be relaxing. All Namaste and shit" I huffed out feigning aggravation.

"What you're not relaxed, it doesn't show." His voice was dripping with playful sarcasm.

"Very funny."

"You are not liking this at all are you?"

"Not even a little." I blew a strand of hair off my face.

"You would rather I put you on the treadmill?"

"Yeah I think so...This is just...not working for me."

"Ok, you gave it a shot. Maybe something we can try again down the road." He stood abruptly and motioned for me to do the same. I stood to quickly blood rushing to my head and I felt dizzy. "We will have to find other ways to work on your flexibility then, come on... to the treadmill we go." He started me a walking pace and I could tell he wanted to ask me something. It was a sixth sense I had developed over the years. People always wanting tidbits of information about what happened to me, and being stupid enough to come right out and ask.

"Go a head and ask Will... It's ok." A look of shock spread across his face because I was reading his mind.

"Wow, and here I thought I a poker face"

"People always ask, I just never answer..."

"But you're gonna answer me?"

"Yeah, in the spirit of trust building. But remember it goes both ways. " He smiled the smallest of smiles and exhaled before he continued.

"Ok, how did you meet him?" His questions surprised me, people usually asked questions that were piqued by their morbid curiosity.

"Oh, that's what you want to know. I mean you can Google that."

"Yeah, true, but then it's like characters in a book. I want to hear it from you." I hadn't allowed myself to think about the day I met Simon for years. To have so many amazing memories and so many horrific memories tied to one person, was not only confusing but it made it impossible for me to trust my instinct.

There was apart of me, a small part that I kept hidden that still loved him. I loved the version of him that I thought I knew, a man that no longer existed, maybe he never really did. I hated this part of myself as much as I hated him and thinking of the good times only made it worse.

"Well, I had just graduated from NYU. I studied global economics. And I landed a much coveted internship at Archer Global..."


	8. Chapter 7 - Elevators

A paid internship at Archer Global was the golden goose of jobs, it was something that was talked about in hushed whispers during the final weeks of college. Twenty spots were open, the application was a lengthy process, it felt like I needed an egg and a special door knock just to complete it. In all I had four interviews, two written tests and one long lunch with a few other applicants. When I got the phone call that I was one of the chosen few, I cried. I never cried. It wasn't in my nature. But I stood in my kitchen and balled. My mother thought somebody died.

I went to NYU on partial scholarship, paying the rest with loans that I would probably never pay off. Odds were against me but I persevered and got the internship. They had hired me for my linguist skills, I spoke Japanese, Cantonese, Mandarin, French and Spanish. A childhood obsession with Asia (courtesy of the movie Mulan) that carried me through college mixed with a natural affinity for foreign language (my mother is a French teacher).

I had hoped to work for the UN but when the opportunity came to work for Archer Global I jumped at the chance, knowing it would look amazing on my resume. It would become my calling card. I did my best to fit in, the other interns were from Ivy League schools, a few trust fund babies with parents who called in favors to get them a slot; but I never really did, sticking out like a sore thumb. I didn't have the right address, the right clothes, the right friends. I was kind of shunned but it just gave me more time to focus and work that much harder then everyone else.

* * *

Miles Archer, was the founding CEO and patriarch of the Archer family brand. A tall silver haired man, just being in his presence and you knew you were standing in front of a powerful force of nature. He exuded money, elitism, and the air of a man who thought he was better then everyone else in the room. And in most cases he probably was.

Miles ruled with an iron fist and he and his only son Simon had a falling out over a huge deal gone south. Simon was exiled to the London office for over two years, while both men licked their wounds. The entire company was buzzing about Simon's impending return. The father and son had managed to mend broken fences long enough to facilitate a buyout of Kakushin Suru, a Japanese technology firm developing tablets that were supposed to rival the likes of the Apple Ipad and the Google Nexus. The relationship between Kakushin Suru and Archer Global was built from Simon's London contacts and meant a whole new market for the Archer Global brand which was in dire need of a jolt of new technology and industry buzz (and a nice helping of investor interest).

There was a huge meeting planned, the Japanese heavy hitters were coming to New York to get the ball rolling and hash out the preliminary details. Because of my fluency in their native tongue I was asked to be on hand. I was given a tablet loaded with every detail about Kakushin Suru, the players names, photos, marital status and interests. A break down of the company and the new tablets. I was also given moderate details and the financial aspect of the buyout and went to task studying, eager to retain as much information as humanly possible. I was blown away by the sheer about of money and stocks that were at play.

I was nervous, this was my chance to prove to everyone why I was chosen for this internship in the first place and what a huge asset I could be when given the chance. I got up early that morning, spending more time then necessary on my hair and makeup. I changed at least five times, finally settling on my prized possession. An Armani suit that I had bought at a consignment shop in the village for five hundred dollars. I spent another hundred having the size eight tailored down to a size six. It was the first time I was going to be wearing it to the office, I usually just put it on and pranced around my apartment. It was the shoes that caused me the most trouble that morning. Finally settling for comfort over style, knowing I would be on my feet a lot that day. I was of course running late and missed my usual subway. The great thing about the New York subway system is if you miss on train another one will show up a few minutes later and I made it to my building with a few minutes to spare.

* * *

I stepped on to the elevator, and a large group small Asian men in perfectly tailored suits and one tall dark haired man towering over them came in after me, forcing me in to the back corner. Two of the men were laughing and talking in Japanese about how tall the man was, too good looking and much too tall. I laughed and agreed, in perfect Japanese taking all the men on the elevator by surprise. I then told them he was so tall because he drank too much American coffee. The elevator erupted with laughter and the dark haired man had no idea as to why.

"They are talking about me aren't they?" He asked with an amused look on his face.

"That they are, but only nice things." He nodded only half believing me.

"Simon Archer." He said his name and extended his hand to me. I froze, as I lifted my hand and shook his. A small smile on his face, as I could not hide my shock and terror. "You can breathe now Miss..." I audibly exhaled.

"Knightly, Amy Knightly."

"You're one of the new interns then?"

"I am, yes. Not so new though, it's been almost six months now. I started in September."

"Well, I for one am glad they found such a lovely woman who can speak Japanese, it will be a great help with this deal, which is already complex as fuck."

"They asked me to sit in on the meeting today, so I did my research. Although in everything I read it failed to mention fuck... Is that a technical term Mr. Archer.?" He laughed loudly with his whole body.

"Smart, beautiful and funny. The interns are better then when I was here last. And please call me Simon, Mr. Archer is my father." I blushed, grateful that the elevator stopped and the doors opened, a wave of men getting off.

"See you later Love." He stood sideways, allowing me to get off the elevator. I could feel his eyes on me as I walked away, a giddy feeling brewing deep in my belly.

The men were right he was too tall and too good looking. It was almost hard to look at him, his eyes were a rich deep blue, they reminded me of a glacier, there was a coldness in them even though his perfect smile was warm. Why I didn't notice the coldness then, I will never know. I was blinded by everything else, his tall lean frame and how it wore his perfectly tailored suit. The perfect skin, punctuated with just the hint of stubble, his hair slicked back, gleaming under the elevator lights. He was like one of those fish that evolved to be pretty colorful creatures, to lure in its prey only to swallow them whole; and he swallowed me up right there in that elevator. Now he was going to enjoy his meal.

* * *

"So you worked together then?"

"We did… yeah…anyway the meeting went really well. Later that day Simon gave me a position, a title, a raise and an assistant, to much gossip and office fodder. A week later he asked me out to dinner and life as I knew it was over."

"Wow, so a chance meeting in an elevator..."

"Yup, crazy right... I mean we would have met I guess but, in the meeting it was Simon who plucked me from the back row, he really got me in the mix, making sure I was next to him at all times, translating for him, flirting with the clients. That would have never happened if we wouldn't have met in the elevator. If I would have caught my first subway...If I wouldn't have changed so many times…"

"You wouldn't be here right now..."

"No, I guess not. Everything happens for a reason, I just haven't found one yet." I could feel the sadness building in me and tears started to break the corners of my eyes. Sensing the change in my mood, Will clapped his hands together loudly, breaking the moment.

"Ok, enough talking more sweating!" He raised the incline and speed of the treadmill, not allowing me sink deeper into my sadness and I let my mind go blank, forcibly shifting my focus to my stride and breathing.


	9. Chapter 8 - Flowers

Hey Everyone Reading-

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my story. Please follow and review, it really makes all the writing worth while and I love to hear the feedback good and bad. I have been listening to a bunch of music during this process... so if you want to YouTube some songs... Arms/1000 Years - Christina Perri, Cosmic Love/Kiss with a Fist - Florence and the Machine, Dancing - Elisa, Everytime - Brittany Spears, Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's been a girl rock fest but its works for Amy's POV.

* * *

I was gross, a sweaty smelly mess and I never felt better. Will showed no mercy, he pushed me and pushed me until I had nothing left to give. He wouldn't allow me to slack, to stop. It was only the second day but I knew this was going to work, because Will wouldn't let me fail. I took a large sip of water, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"So, you used to be a cop?" I was my turn to ask questions, I knew very little about this man that I already trusted. Dino had offered up very little about him, which was strange looking back.

"Yeah, a long time ago." His voice was tight, matching his stance and shoulders.

"It couldn't be that long, you can't be what, more then what thirty one, thirty two?" He chuckled and ran his hand through his sandy hair, my questions were making him nervous.

"I am thirty four and I left the force seven… almost eight years ago." I counted backwards. He was my age when he left.

"You and Dino worked together right?"

"For a little while. He wanted to be a detective, I did more undercover work, narcotics mostly. But we graduated the academy together."

"Why did you leave?" I finished my bottle of water and he reached for it, taking it from my hand and in one motion tossing it into the garbage. He was careful to make sure his hand never touched mine.

"Uh, well…I was working a case, things went bad, really bad… People died, good people, bad people. And I was done, in so many ways… I was done. Four years ago I opened this place and it was the best thing I ever did."

"Well I for one am glad you did."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It was a great decision."

"Me opening the place or you coming here?"

"Both."

* * *

I got home and stripped out of my workout gear, kicking off my sneakers. I needed a shower, craved it even. In the beginning, my shower needs were obsessive, constant. Hot water, soap and scrubbing until my skin was raw. Sometimes never even giving my hair a chance to fully dry before I took another one. But now, all these years later I was able to view a shower for what it really was, just a way to clean off the dirt from the day. The hot water poured down on my body, easing my the budding pain in my muscles. I quickly shaved my legs and underarms, and washed and conditioned my hair. It was so long now, it took over an hour to blow it dry. All the years with out a professional hair cut, something you take for granted when you can't be touched.

I wrapped myself in my robe, my hair in a towel and fell into my bed exhausted already and it was only noon. As much as I wanted to stay in bed and eat a bag of potato chips I knew that was not going to get me anywhere. I had a whole day in front of me, and decided that a good lunch and a trip to the bookstore was just what I needed. I dressed quickly and dried my hair only half way (because I was lazy)and twisted in into a bun.

The air was cold even for October, but the sun was shining and I turned my face to it. I took at my cell phone and sent a quick text to Jeff, seeing if he wanted to meet me for lunch. A few seconds later I got a disappointed response that he couldn't; the shop was swamped and he was elbow deep in a carburetor.

Jeff and I were born three weeks apart, we grew up together and were raised like brother and sister. Our fathers were brothers and his mother passing away when he was four from cancer cemented his place as my parents honorary second child. He spent most of his days at my house, doing homework, eating dinner, teasing me mercilessly. Over the years that followed my abduction, most of my friendships faded away. Everyone taking a step away from me, but Jeff took a step closer. I owed him my life, Jeff was the reason that I was alive. One of the reasons anyway.

* * *

Simon had sent me flowers every day since the break up. I was a complete mess, I missed him so profoundly that my body ached. I never really understood the concept of heartbreak. The two relationships I had had before Simon were simple, easy and ended the same way. The idea that not being with a person could render you useless, incapacitated, utterly and completely empty was inconceivable to me until I left Simon.

I had quit my job at Archer Global with no notice, and cut him out completely. Ignoring his phone calls, deleting his messages, blocking his emails.

But everyday when the clock struck nine, the bell to my apartment would ring, a man with a large bouquet would appear. I had tried to refuse the deliveries, but he would just leave them by the door. Thirteen arrangements in all, each with a note asking for a chance, dinner, a drink, coffee. Everyday I would walk the arrangement three blocks, to the women's shelter leaving them at the front desk. It was the fourteenth day when I opened my door expecting the usual Indian man behind the huge bouquet of roses. Instead I found Simon, his eyes dark and crazy. I had never been punched before, and I will never forget the sound of his fist making contact with my mouth. Knocking me backwards, hitting my head on my old pine floors. I could still feel it, if I closed my eyes. That was the beginning of the most unimaginable four day of my life.

I later found out that he used my phone, sending a text to my mom that he and I were trying to work things out in Cabo. My family believing that I was drinking margaritas and sun bathing in Mexico not bloody and bound the bed she had bought me as a house warming gift.

It was two days later when Jeff caught wind of the trip to Cabo. He knew that I was afraid of Simon, he knew all the reasons I had ended the relationship and he also knew I would never agree to go anywhere with him alone. Jeff greatest fear was that Simon had kidnapped me, threw me on a private plane to places unknown and I would never be seen or heard from again. Jeff called a friend who worked for the NYPD, who hooked him up with Dino. Dino explained that there was really nothing he could do, with no evidence of foul play. He had only agreed to meet with Jeff as a favor to a friend and because apparently Jeff was unrelenting. It was only when he showed Dino a text from me right after the break up that Dino's intuition kicked in. Dino had gone to my super, flashed his badge and gotten the spare key to my place. He was hoping to find a sign of a struggle, something indicating force, something to warrant a warrant. It was Dino who called my cell phone on a hunch, moments before he entered my apartment, surprised to hear the ringing coming from behind my door. Never expecting to find me there. With the chain lock was engaged, and my phone ringing he knew something was amiss and busted thru the door, to find me beaten and handcuffed to the bed.


	10. Chapter 9 - Addictions

I walked for a while, and I found myself back at Will's. I stood outside the front window, his studio was full of students. They were working in groups of two, throwing punches and kicks. I was drawn in, curious by what Will meant by hands on. We locked eyes and he smiled, making his way towards me. He carried himself with such ease, so comfortable in his own skin. I didn't see any doubt or hesitation in him, just action. I envied that about him. I thought before every step I took, every place I went; carefully measuring all the things that could go wrong. Deciding if it was worth the risk, usually it wasn't. It was exhausting, breaking everything down into pieces of what ifs and maybes.

"Back so soon?"

"Uh, yeah. I was gonna get some lunch but found myself here instead, can I watch the class for a bit?"

"Yeaaaah. That's a great idea, you can get a feel for what I do here."

I sat quietly on the plastic chair quietly watching. Will was right, he was hands on, as were his students. He showed everyone equal time, correcting form as needed, showing the right way to do something verses the wrong way. It was intense, the focus, the trust these people had for one another. Punches being thrown, bodies being tossed around. The thud that would resonate through the entire studio when someone was taken down. I remembered how that felt, when your back hits the floor and all the air is knocked out of you. Your eyes tear and burn as you struggle to take in what ever scraps of oxygen you can. Your chest constricts and you heart feels like it is going to explode shattering your ribs into millions of pieces.

I remembered the taste of blood in my mouth and then Simon, on top of me. His knees straddling my body, punching me once and then again. Him telling me how this was my fault. My stubborn streak had destroyed us. I started to lose consciousness but he slapped me awake. Next I heard the sound of his zipper and the tear of my panties. His hand tightly gripped around my throat, as he pushed himself into me. Raping me, Simon, my Simon. Looking up into his eyes, the coldness, the hate, the satisfaction.

"Hey, what did you think?" William was standing in front of me, snapping me out of my trance. The studio empty again, I had no idea how much time had passed.

"What?"

"Amy are you ok?" Tears welled up in my eyes as I shook my head no.

"This was a mistake. I can't do this." He squatted down in front of me, elbows on his knees, fists clenched.

"Amy, look at me… yes you can." His brown eyes were filled with warmth as he spoke in a soothing tone, but he couldn't calm me down.

"No I can't… it's all too much." I quickly wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket. "What you were doing today. I will never be able to do that… hands on is not the word for what that was…it's been five years…you know, five years. And if I can't do it here now, with you. I will never ever be able to do it." I sobbed with our care or restraint, while Will looked on. I knew he wanted to put his arm around me, I could feel his inner battle and half of me wanted him to. You don't realize the power of a hug until they are lost to you.

"Amy, look, I can't begin to understand what you have been through, but I do understand limits, and fear and pain. I get it, and I am telling you… that you can do this, we can do it. Together. It is not going to be fun or easy… but one day he is getting out… he will have his freedom and you should have yours too." I wanted to believe him, I wanted to believe that I was strong enough to press on and set myself free. But there was this small voice deep inside of me whispering that I couldn't. Telling me that one day Simon would end my life and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"I am broken Will…like so broken. And over the years people have tried to fix me. And it just never works, ever. I am so scared all the time. The PSTD pops up at the worst times, like here today. A sound, just a sound and I am back in my apartment and Simon is…" The words were tethered to my mind, I couldn't bring myself to say them out loud. Not to Will anyway. "I'm sorry but I can't do this." He stood quickly and sat in the chair beside me. As if he couldn't say what he was about to say if he had to look me in the eye. He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly before he began.

* * *

"I was working this huge drug case, deep cover and I got hooked on cocaine. Hooked. People died… people I knew and people that I cared about… because I was too high and fucked up to do my job. I got shot but I lived, my partner, my girlfriend who had no idea I was a cop, no idea I was just using her for the contacts she had… and two other undercover cops all dead. I was pretty much thrown off the force, and I loved being a cop. I was born to be a cop. I lost everything, so I fell deeper and deep into my addiction, haunted by their faces, by my mistakes. I pushed everyone I loved away… my family my friends." He took a deep breath and exhaled, I wanted to reach over and take his hand. Confused by that feeling I knitted my fingers together, squeezing them tightly until the tips turned red "I got rolled into the ER, almost a year later. I overdosed, my heart stopped and they brought me back. I had cheated death twice…It was Dino that came and got me into rehab. And I thought I couldn't do it Amy, I couldn't get past the pain, the flashbacks, the guilt, the regret, the addiction…the hunger for drugs... It never goes away Amy, I am not going to lie and say that it does. But you can learn to live with it, control it… I thought I wasn't worthy of a second chance, no less a third one… that I didn't deserve to be happy. But I was wrong, just like you are wrong right now. So, we are going to do this. It can take a month, it can take a year…but we are." My heart broken for him as he spoke, the pain he felt was just under the surface.

"Why do you care, you barely know me."

"Well, you are important to Dino, and honestly I feel like I can pay it forward. Like everything I went through, all the loss would have a meaning, a purpose if I could help you. You could be my reason…"


	11. Chapter 10 - Firsts

"Morning Love." He walked into my small office, a cup of coffee in hand and a smile stretched across his stubbled face. I had developed a full on crush on Simon, I hadn't crushed like this since Eddie Hamilton in the sixth grade. Everything about him made my stomach do flips. The way he called me Love turned my insides into warm gooey mush… Love. His sweet affected British accent, and his full lips would curl up into a small perfect smile. Mush.

"Morning Simon." I chirped, I was not a chirpy girl what was I doing. I think I even giggled, like a child. How was it possible that my entire demeanor changed when he was in such close proximity. "Did you get the report I left on your desk last night?

It was my first week in my new position, the sharks had descended upon me. The general consensus was that I had not deserved the promotion Simon had bestowed upon me, I was too young and too inexperienced to help broker a deal such as this. I was under the gun with a mountain of work to do, reports to analyze and then translate, figures and conversions. Everyone watching me closely, waiting for the smallest mistake so they could pounce. It was important that I proved that Simon was right about me, I left later and later each night, and it was only the first week.

"Yes, I did, I gave them to James to look at…This is for you." He handed me a steaming paper cup of coffee from the Starbucks around the corner with my name written on it. Love. The smell was intoxicating, the mix of coffee and Simon.

"Wow, thank you Simon. You have no idea how much I need this."

"I do actually, I heard you were here until well after midnight last night."

"How did you…"

"I have my ways. Now I don't like the idea of you on a subway at all hours of the night. So if you are going to insist on staying that late. I want you to use our car service to get home." He placed a business card on my desk, and pushed it towards me. I was used to the subway, granted it was dirty and there was always the lurking chance you would get groped or mugged but that was part of the charm, the excitement.

"Simon, that's really sweet. But I was born in Queens, I can deal with the subway."

"Amy…" His voice dropped and octave as he said my name and raised his eyebrows.

"Ok, Simon. Thank you." I gave in easily, wanting to please him. And the idea of not having to deal with the subway was appealing.

"Good, now that is settled, what are you doing tonight?" He sat at the edge of my desk, leaning in closer to me. He took the paper cup out of my hand and took a casual sip of my coffee. I looked at him slightly shocked, it felt so personal sharing my coffee with him. "Hello, tonight?"

"Um…Well I have to finish the…" He waved his hands interrupting me.

"No I mean, do you have plans for this evening. I have a dinner function tonight that would be exponentially more enjoyable if you were my date."

"Oh, do you need me to translate?" He passed the cup back to me and I took a sip of my coffee, trying to act calm and casual. I had gone to lunch meetings with Simon twice during the week, my sole purpose to act as interpreter. Despite my growing crush and how much I would love to go on a date with Simon, I knew he would never really be interested in someone like me. But the way he was looking at me now there was a hunger in his eyes that made my stomach drop and my heart race.

"No, Love it's a pleasure thing not a business one. Old friends in from out of town." I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. He smiled, knowing he was making me nervous.

"So you mean like a date… date?"

"Yes, a date. You do date don't you?" He was being smug now, teasing me. I liked to see him playful and relaxed.

"On occasion. Um, is it a fancy thing with fancy people?" I was mocking him, successfully doing my best British accent. I was trying to gain back a shred of pride, teasing him right back. He laughed and smiled.

"Fancy?"

"Jeans, cocktail dress or gown?"

"Cocktail dress." I thought for a minute about the contents of my closet. I had two dresses that might work.

"Ok, I would love to go." I finally said, not able to contain the smile on my face. Simon Archer, focus of my crush, (everyone's crush actually) just asked me on a date.

"Really, are you sure, because that was pulling teeth Amy."

"Yes Simon I am sure, what time?"

"I will pick you up at eight."

"Ok, let me write down my address." I pulled out a post-it and pen and began to write.

"I have it Amy. Honestly that is something we are going to work on Love, now that you have an actually salary. You live far too uptown for my taste, it's not safe." For someone who barely knew me he was worried about my safety.

"I love my apartment, granted it's a little dodgy but I am perfectly safe and its cheap by NYC standards."

"Dodgy is not even the word for it. Like I said, something to work on. I will see you at eight. Oh and take the car service home from work tonight ok."

* * *

I stood in front of my closet in my best bra and panties. I needed all the help I could get, and my black lace set always gave me a boost in my confidence. I settled on my simple black Calvin Klein dress, another find from the consignment shop, this dress still had the tags. As long as I lived I would never understand rich women. It was fitted, with a deep cowl neck that showed off just the right kind of cleavage and small cap sleeves. It was edgy but simple. I squealed when I put it on in the dressing room so happy that it fit and was only two hundred dollars. I pulled out two pairs of heels one black suede platforms and another pair of black pointy toed pumps with metal stud details. Choosing the former because they brought out the edge of the dress and because they were so ornate no other jewelry was necessary. My dark brown hair had just been highlighted with fine honey colored streaks and cut into a sleek boob, just skimming my shoulders; just one

of the perks of your best friend being a hairdresser, thank God for Laurel. In keeping with the vibe of the outfit and my mood, I pulled my hair back into a sleek ponytail. I kept my make-up simple, a soft smoky grey eye and a shiny pink lip. I looked hot, expensive even, maybe even good enough to be on Simon's arm.

When my bell rang any confidence I had managed to harness dissipated into the air and was replace by fear and doubt. I opened my door and there he stood. He was wearing fitted black flat front slacks, the matching suit jacket and deep blue shirt that made his eyes practically glow. The top buttons were undone, exposing just the right kind of chest hair. It wasn't really fair. His eyes ran up and down the length of my body, stopping at my shoes for a few beats before finally meeting my eyes.

"Amy Knightly, sex pot."

"Shut it Simon."

"Seriously Love, I was not expecting this. You look so prim and proper in the office." For the first time I realized this edgy look might not be appropriate. I mean Simon looked so, refined. To him I must look like a fist pumping, shore girl. What was I thinking. I should have worn the grey sheath dress, black pumps and freaking pearls. I pressed my lips together, a nervous habit and could feel the sweat forming at the small of my back.

"I can change, I mean. I have another dress that is less… whatever this dress is." He leaned in my door jam, smirking.

"Amy, you look spectacular. I am thinking all kinds of naughty thoughts about you as we speak." All of the air left my body, but I tried not to let the excitement, fear, nervousness show on my face. "I think you would like 96% of what I am thinking, 4% might take some convincing." Well that was it, I could feel my cheeks start to burn, and my knees go a little weak. This was not happening, I mean there is no way he just said that to me. I took a deep breath and tried to muster up an ounce of the smart ass that I was known for.

"Don't be so sure Simon, for all you know I could be super freaky." I watched with satisfaction as his jaw dropped slightly, his eyes widened. "Or, the Virgin Mary…You ready to go?" I grabbed my purse and pushed passed him through my door.

"You are going to be fun Miss. Knightly. Very fun indeed."

* * *

His car and driver were waiting and I slid into the town car thinking this could not be happening. I mean seriously. Simon sat close to me, closer then necessary and I could feel him breathing as he wrapped his arm around me. My body tightened at first, he made me so nervous but then I leaned into him and allowed my body to relax.

"I finished that report on the cost of manufacturing…" He put his finger to my lips silencing me.

"Shush Love, no work tonight." His fingers trailed to my chin pulling my lips to his. His lips were soft, as they pressed against mine. I felt like my body was buzzing, as his tongue parted my lips. Being kissed had never felt like this before, I usually got bored or distracted, my mind wandering but with Simon I was completely engaged in this moment. The look in his eyes, his smell, his taste. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close, my hands knotted in his hair, A small man escaping from the back of my throat. I had never made a sound like that before. What was happening. He pulled away, and it was then I remembered we were not alone.

"Frankie, change of plans. My apartment." He reached in his pocket, pulled out his cell phone and told who ever it was on the other line that he was sorry but a business emergency came up and he couldn't make it. "I hope that's ok?" He didn't wait for my response, instead he just kissed me again.


	12. Chapter 11 - Chicken

I got a text from my mom, asking me to come up for dinner. She said that she missed my face and was making a roasted chicken, my favorite. It had been such a good week, in five days I had made a real change. I made a choice, a decision all on my own and then I made it actually happen. I wanted to tell my mom, let her in. But I wouldn't, I needed to keep this about me for just a little while longer. I texted her back that I would come up at six, and she responded with a smiley face.

Mom and I used to be best friends, I know how lame that sounds but it is true. We would hang out, go to the movies, go shopping, even bar hopping on a few occasions. But sometimes that friendship clouded her ability to just be my mom. Now we feel like strangers, like I never knew her at all, like she never knew me. We were both wanting something the other one was incapable of giving.

I tentatively walked up the basement stairs to my childhood home, my stomach in knots. The place smelled amazing, my mom made a perfect roast chicken. The trick was tons of garlic, olive oil and a touch of rosemary.

"Amelia Ann is that you?" My mother called out, her voice sweet. She was the only person who called me by my full name, despite my repeated requests for her not to.

"The one and only." It was something I used to say as a kid, _the one and only,_ I was hoping that it would bring us together with a unified happy memory. I was choosing to try with my parents tonight. Dr. Dalton's words kept ringing in my head. _They are living with your boundaries not the other way around._ I walked into the kitchen just a my mom was taking the bird out of the oven.

"That looks as good as it smells Ma." She looked me over, her eyes finally settling on mine. I was in baggy jeans and a turtleneck, covered from head to toe. Shapeless grey and black clothing were my go to now. I could read the disappointment in her eyes, the pain, the pity, the regret. This is why it was so hard to be around her. She had no poker face.

"Thanks sweetie, the table is all set. Why don't you pour yourself a glass of wine and head into the dining room." My dad was already sitting at the table, a glass of red in hand reading his Kindle.

"Hey dad." He put the Kindle down for a brief moment and smiled at me, saying nothing as his attention went back to whatever story he was engrossed in.

"Good book?"

"Uhhh, yeah. I guess." That was my dad, a man of few words. He wasn't one to show emotion one way or the other, unless he was angry. Crazy angry. It didn't happen often but when it did, watch out. "I mean, I don't know how Patterson cranks out book after book."

"It's his job dad and he has help." He thought about my words for a moment and shrugged his shoulders.

"Yeah, you wanna read it when I am done." I used to read like a vapid animal, my Kindle never too far away from my reach. Devouring books one by one, reading them to completion in a day. But now I find myself meandering, thumbing through books, actual bound books. I have been reading the classics, stories of simpler times. Where lovers courted, held hands, yearned for one another from a distance. Modern books are filled with sex, unspeakable violence, such rage. A snapshot of what the world has become. A world I know it all too well. Now I would rather look back to the past. A place where things are simpler, kinder at least from the prospective of the author.

"Probably not dad." He grunted something intelligible and I took my usual seat and a large gulp of my wine. I ran my fingers over the marks I had made in the table years ago, writing a book report to hard with my Bic pen and loose leaf. You could even make out some of the words, _Ponyboy was a… _I smiled at the memory, that book changed my life as a kid.

Mom finally made her way into the dining room, the chicken sliced perfectly by her expert hands and it joined the potatoes and green beans already on the table. For the most part we ate in an uncomfortable but familiar silence. I asked her about her classes, my father about his new route. They asked my about my sessions with Dalton, if I had heard from Jeff or Laurel. I could put the tape in really, same conversations time after time.

* * *

I offered to help with the dishes like I always did and to my surprise this time she accepted, usually saying she had it under control. It was that moment I knew something was up, that she wanted to talk to me about something. I stood at the sink, rinsing the dirty dishes as she loaded them into dishwasher.

"So, things are going well with Doctor Dalton?" She wouldn't look me in the eye as she spoke. I could sense her nervousness.

"Yeah, things have been really good actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just been years now and there has been such little progress." My mouth dropped open, in shock and disgust Was she kidding? In the time I had been seeing Dalton I had done a 145 degree turn, inching my way to a fully functional 180. How dare she say I had made little progress, what she really meant is that I wasn't her good old Amelia Ann anymore.

"Ma, are you serious, Dr. Dalton has been amazing for me. Where the hell is all of this coming from?"

"Well I was talking to Susan Royce, I ran into her at the Met Foods and she said after her daughter Cammy saw this Doctor Michael Ramsey in the city for her PSTD she was back to her old self in a few months." I had to hold back my laughter.

"Ma, are you joking with me right now? Cammy Royce was in a car accident while texting and didn't want to drive anymore, that is just slightly different then what I went through."

"I know that honey..."

"DO YOU? Do you Ma, cause I am not so sure you do." I dried my hands on a towel and threw it back on the counter top. She opened her mouth to speak, hurt etched across her face. I really didn't care about her hurt feelings. I cut her off immediately, disgusted. "No Ma…NO! Thanks for dinner. Night." I stormed out of the kitchen like I was sixteen years old and I was just told I couldn't go out with my boyfriend. I even slammed the door behind me for the full effect.

* * *

I was so beyond pissed, I mean for her to suggest that PSTD caused by a car accident was in anyway similar to the PSTD I suffered from after days RAPE and TORTURE. I mean the utter lunacy of that, was just too much for me to digest. She really was clueless. I took a deep breath, not wanting to have a freak out. I was trying my best to control my emotions and tried to focus my mind to another place. I had breakfast with Dino tomorrow, that would be nice, it had been over a month since I had seen him. Then my mind drifted to Will and what he said to me, that I could be his reason. I could be his reason, what did that even mean? Everything that he had told me about his past weighing heavy on my already overloaded mind. I could not imagine Will out of control, high on cocaine, reckless. He seemed so in control of not only himself but what was going on around him. Focused with a laser precision I could only hope to have one day in the far off future. But I realized it is how he copes, in the same way I stay in control but now allowing myself to be touched. I tried to imagine what he had been through, almost dying twice, once from a gunshot and once from an overdose. You can't help but wonder why some people live and some people die, their will to live stronger then their desire to self destruct. I wondered if I was one of those people. I was grateful that Will had survived and come out of it on the other side a better, stronger person. He had become a symbol for me. An idea that started in Dino's head and an idea that I was making happen. I was going to get in control of my body and my ability to protect it. But that was not going to happen until I got to the place where Will could touch me. I sat on the floor in my bedroom, back pressed up against me bed. My eyes closed tight, my breathing steady and I let my mind go.

* * *

We would be sitting in the front window of his studio, on those awful hard plastic chairs. I would feel the hot sun on my back, it would almost be too much after my workout. We would talk like we always do, somehow I had managed to let him in, even thought I am still not sure why. There is something about Will and the way I feel when I am around him. Safe, he makes me feel safe in a way that I have never experienced, even before what Simon did to me. I wouldn't move, not wanting to change the air of the moment. My left knee would almost be touching his right, my hands knotted in my lap. I would be nervous to the point of nauseous, that couldn't be avoided. Dr. Dalton always said to see the good as well as the bad so I wouldn't be blindsided if and when the bad happened. My heart would race, my breathing quicken. I would fight the urge to flee, to run away. Forcing myself to sit there and wait for it to happen. Will would reach over, he would stop for a moment, easing the tension out of his hand. His warm finger tips softly grazing over my cold hands, just barely touching me and then gently prying my hands apart. My mouth would part at his touch and I would gasp. The strange foreign but familiar haunting feeling of skin once again on my skin. I could feel every callous, every ridge of his palm and he laced his fingers with mine, resting our joined hands on his thigh. My hand would finally tighten around his, my thumb gently rubbing the fleshy mound of his, the hairs on the back of his hand tickling my finger tip. The fleet of butterflies in my stomach, at full throttle. I would exhale loudly, releasing all the tension and he would smile, the smallest sweetest smile. Will would look at me, his brown eyes full of happiness and whisper one single word. Everest.

I opened my eyes, shocked at myself. HOLY FUCK! I had feelings for Will. This was a horrible, bad, terrible thing. It was also amazing, exciting and wonderful. I wanted him to touch me, but even more surprising I wanted to touch him. It was the missing element this entire time. The fact was, as much as I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to touch anyone even more. That was something I never really worked on, in all the time I spent sitting on my sofa visualizing. My desire to want to touch someone, to have my hands upon THEM. Mind Blown!

* * *

No, this was not possible to have feeling for someone you have know all of five hours. I mean it's just because he is being so nice to me, helpful, brotherly. Yes brotherly! Like Jeff or Dino, ok not like Dino. But like Jeff. Panic started to build in my belly, radiating out as my body tightened, I could hear my heartbeat thumping in my ear. Breathe, just breathe Amy... This panic attack has been a long time coming. It's ok to succumb to it, just breathe. I couldn't move, my body clenched so hard that I shook. I could hear my thoughts screaming in my head, taunting me. The air went paper thin, as a gasped for it. The less air I could take in the stronger my panic became. The walls of my apartment closing in, I needed air and space and open sky. My mind was yelling at me to get up but my body was not listening. My lungs burning, my eyes unable to focus, dizzy. I finally forced myself to stand, every step a choice until I got to my door, throwing it open. The cold air slapped me across the face.

It was almost Halloween, the moon hung high and almost full in the sky. I gasped for breath like a goldfish out of its bowl, the intake of air causing my lungs pain. My arms stretched in the door way, hands clenched on the jam, bracing myself. I was finally able to get my breath under control, taking long slow rhythmic breaths.

I could feel myself coming out of it, the panic leaving my body like a wave receding away from the shoreline. I sometimes wish I could go back to taking the pills. Sure they made me a zombie, but they controlled the panic, dulled the intensity of my thoughts and muted the pain. Dr. Dalton was not a proponent of meds, he said they clouded the mind and never allowed it to heal in cases like mine. My issue was not the chemicals of my brain, it was my mind and thoughts rebelling against me. The voices in my head telling me the wrong things because of what I had gone through, what I had endured. No medicine in the world could cure that. I wasn't sure if he was right or wrong, only time would tell. But I do know that when I was taking the meds, I was still feeling everything I was now only then I was too numb to know and too high to care. Ahhh the good old days.


	13. Chapter 12 - Dino

I woke up the next morning late, after a long night of tossing and turning, the wine and chicken dinner burning my stomach. I just didn't want to go to breakfast with Dino. I wanted to lay in the calm, quiet safety my bed and pull the covers over my head, anything to avoid the rain beating against my window. After the panic attack I couldn't sleep, my mind scattered in a million places trying to figure out what exactly feeling. Trying to like my thoughts up into neat rows, so they could make sense. I didn't trust my feelings, my instincts or my emotions, left to their unorganized devices; at least not any more. Just add it to the list of all the things that Simon took away from me.

If it would have been anyone but Dino, I would have bailed but I had this nagging feeling that he needed to see me more then anything. That he needed my help. Something was going on with him and we had a way of making each other feel better. I also knew he wanted to make sure I was ok, this whole self-defense class thing was a big step, a big step that was really his idea. It was hard for me to move forward and if anyone knew Dino did.

A long time ago, Dino told me he loved me, that he wanted to be with me when I was ready. That he felt like we would be good for each other, that we knew each other. The good and the bad. He said he would wait until I was ready if I asked him to. But I would have to ask.

I told him to love somebody else. The look on his face was burned into my memory when I told him that I could never and would never be able to have a relationship with a man like that again, it would never be possible; waiting wouldn't change that, nothing would. I hurt the last person in the world I would ever want to cause any pain. But on some level he knew that I was broken and could never be fixed. He saw what Simon had done to me in a way that no one else ever would. Up close and in person. I couldn't imagine why he would want me after that. How he could love me, seeing what he saw, knowing what he knows? He must have known what my answer would be, he didn't put up even the smallest fight. He just nodded and went back to eating his eggs. We never spoke of it again.

* * *

Dr. Dalton and I spent the next year talking about love and sex and relationships, some of the hardest sessions of my life. Hours spent going over what Simon had done to me, why he had done it. Sex had become this abstract idea in my mind, the fine line between pleasure and pain gone. Erased. I couldn't trust that I knew the difference or would ever know it again.

After twenty minutes of lying there deciding what to do, I managed to pull my sorry self out of bed. I was sore and sleepy and agitated. Still pissed at my mother, still confused about Will, wishing I still saw Dr. Dalton twice a week. Sometimes Thursdays seemed so far away. The pouring rain was not helping my dark mood, as I grabbed my keys before heading out the door. I usually walked, where I grew up it was just easier then dealing with one way streets and small parking spaces. But today I had no choice but to drive, the diner was far, it was cold and wet, sidewalks covered in a layer of slippery fallen leaves.

Truth be told, I never drove until I met Simon, I had gotten my permit when I was seventeen and never even attempted to learn or get my license. He taught me one weekend in the Hamptons. Making the point that one day it would come in handy. I loved that he trusted me with his car, I loved having him next to me telling me what to do, telling me I was doing a great job. I loved the freedom of driving, our lone car on the road early on a beautiful May morning. His hand on my knee, sliding under my denim skirt to my bare thigh…Damn it, stop. Stop thinking about the good times. Stop thinking about Simon at all. I put on the radio, turning the music up to drown out my thoughts, that always seemed to betray me. Florence and the Machine's a Kiss with a Fist came on, I laughed loudly. Today was going to be a fucked up day, I could just feel it in my bones.

* * *

Dino sat in our usual booth in the back and smiled when he saw me. He looked tired, I could see the long hours shadowing his face. He was thirty six but he always looked older, his troubled mind aging him quickly. His brain was always working round the clock, trying to put horrific pieces together, solve his cases. His dark brown hair already graying, his brown eyes hooded and ringed with dark circles, that his olive Italian skin couldn't hide. Dino had gained some weight the last few years, not taking care of himself the way he should, but he was still what I considered attractive. In all the years I've known him he had never been clean shaven, if there was one word I would use to describe Dino it would be rumpled. He always smelled like soap, coffee and Altoids peppermints, and a hint of cigarette and somehow they mixed in a good way.

He was drinking his black coffee, as I sat down shaking the rain off of my jacket. I slid all the way to into the booth, another way to ensure I wouldn't be touched by the waitress or a passerby.

"You look like shit Dino, more so then usual. What's going on?"

"I gotta a case, it's not going well. You know how it is." Dino was the guy that took his work home with him, using his instinct and gut as his guide. It would make him crazy when he couldn't figure something out, if a detail was missed or worse case scenario if he failed all together.

"How are you doing Aims? You look... good. Much better then the last time I saw you." He took a large sip of his coffee and I could tell he was nervous. I just couldn't put my finger as to why.

"Gee thanks…I think. Uh, things are better, your pep talk worked wonders. The classes with Will are really helping, I mean it's only been like two classes but… you were right." His eyebrows shot up in surprise and he smirked at me. "Yes Dino you were right I admit it. Don't get all...big headed about it."

"It's so rare a women, especially you… tells me I'm right, can I just enjoy it... bask in it for a moment?"

"Fine, go ahead." He leaned back, putting his arms behind the booth and smiled broadly. The waitress came, pouring me a much needed cup of coffee. I ordered my usual, pancakes and bacon, Dino got his hash and eggs.

"So, you and Will are hitting it off then?"

"Yeah, we are. He is a really good person. To go through what he has been thru and still..." The look on Dino's face when I spoke, stopped me in my tracks. It was a mix of shock and horror.

"Wait, hold up…He told you?"

"About the undercover job and rehab and stuff?" I gulped down another sip, trying not to look Dino in the eye.

"Yeah?"

"He did."

"Wow, did he tell you about Maria too?" Maria, I wanted to ask Will what her name was but it seemed like one of the stupid insensitive, unnecessary questions people would ask me.

"The girlfriend who died?" Dino nodded, the shock plastered on his face. "He didn't go into detail or anything but he mentioned her."

"I am like, shocked right now Aims... Shocked. Will is not a talker." I felt like I was breaking Will's trust somehow, letting Dino know he had shared this information with me. I was eager to change the subject.

"Didn't you want to tell me something?" I blew into the hot cup of black coffee and took a sip.

"Oh yeah, well...I'm gonna...I mean Grace...and I... were having a baby." I froze…Dino and Grace were having a baby, for a second I lost my breath at the thought, a sick feeling growing in my stomach. He did what I asked him to, he loved someone else and now they were having a baby. I liked Grace a lot, she was sweet and funny, she was also a badass and didn't take an ounce of Dino's shit. And most importantly she was really good for him.

"Talk about shocked Dino, wow. Congrats!" I searched his face for happiness and only found fear and worry. "Um, that is not your happy face Dino."

"Yeah, I know. I am all fucked up about it. I mean, a kid? A baby…I just never saw myself as a dad. I work… what a hundred plus hours a week? I drink too much, I still smoke when no one is lookin. Gracie is so much younger then me, we have only been dating for what a year. I don't know Aims… it just feel like too much..." He struggled for the word but I knew what he was thinking. Dino hated one thing above all else.

"Change?" He nodded, and I smiled. I knew him too well. "Look Grace is an amazing woman and she is like twenty eight, not eighteen and she is a cop not some wilting flower who is going to depend on you for everything...She loves you and you love her right?"

"Yeah, I do." _He did what I asked him to do, he fell in love with someone else. _

"Dino, you deserve to be happy. You are always surrounded by so much darkness, it's time for a little light. And I know for a fact that you will make an amazing father."

"How do you know that? My dad was a dick, and he wasn't winning any father of the year awards." Ah that was what this was all about. Dino's daddy issues.

"You have always been there for me, always. You have seen me at my worst and you were still there. You have never judged me or all my crazy. That's what a parent is...That is what a parent does. " I had always wished that my own father had been there for me like Dino was, with out judgment or self interest.

"So you think of me like a father?" I could see him trying to work that idea out in his head, knowing he might be getting the wrong idea.

"No, Dino. I just see your fatherly potential. You have it innately."

"Yeah well I got six months to figure it out I guess."

"So...You gonna marry the girl now that you knocked her up?" I was teasing him now trying to ease the awkward tension between us, but he was still so serious.

"We talked about it, but who knows, maybe. I am moving in with her. You know my place is no place for a baby."

"You're moving to Long Island, wow…Good for you, that is great. Dino D'Elia in the burbs, I never thought this day would come. Are you gonna start wearing polo shirts and boat shoes now?

"Ha Ha Ha, very funny. I think I would look great in a polo shirt…"

"I don't know if GREAT would be the word I would use…"

"You know what would be great Aims… You holding my bambino… That would be great… You got six months to get your shit together kiddo."

* * *

I could feel my mind start to wander off, and my chest tighten. For a quick second a saw myself holding a baby, cradling it to my chest as it peacefully slept. The word playing over and over in my head. Baby. I should have a four and a half year old now, the thought of this lost child never really leaves my mind. It usually finds it's way to me in a dream or a nightmare. I think about the abortion all the time. The pain of that day, it never goes away. Ever. I have never talked about it, not with my mother or Dino or even Dr. Dalton. It's piece of the puzzle that I keep to myself. Because I know, deep down in a place I like to keep hidden; That day is the day it really began for me. My breaking point. The beginning of the end.


	14. Chapter 13 - Drone

Simon and I had just come back from a trip London. I had always wanted to go. We had talked about it in the abstract for months, all the places he would take me, I could meet his friends and family. He had an apartment in the city and his family had an estate in a small rural town that ended with the word shire.

Simon surprised me for my birthday, a hot day in August. He took me to A Salt and Battery for lunch, complaining that the fish and chips just weren't the same in NYC and that it was time I had the real thing. In a matter of an hour we were on a luxe private jet (my first time ever in my life on a plane) and headed to Simons home.

I was sick for most of the trip, chalking it up to the flight and change in food, never for a moment thinking I could be pregnant. Having a baby was not in the realm of possibility, Simon had no desire to be a father, a fact that he had shared with me very early on. I was already on birth control and honestly I was way too young to even think of such things. But in my heart I believed that Simon and I would one day marry and down the line have a family. We had all the time in the world.

Our time in London went quickly, and the trip was really a bust. I was feeling like crap and Simon spent most of his him on his cell, dealing with things in the office. We had to cut the trip short and four days was really not enough time but Simon assured me we would be back in a few months for Christmas.

* * *

It began so simply, we had just flown back into New York. I was tired, still jet lagged on London time, we had just had a very long extravagant dinner at his mothers and I was stuffed. Beatrice Archer was a draining woman, demanding everyone's focus and attention. She craved the spotlight and you had to hang on every word, laugh at every witty remark, you always had to be on when she was around because god knows she was always ready to put on a show.

I fell asleep on the car ride home, my head rested soundly on Simon's shoulder. With his arm wrapped around me, I felt so very safe, contented. We kissed on the elevator ride up to his apartment, like we always did. He had a few phone calls to make, work was never that far from his mind. The buyout of Kakushin Suru was having complications, Chiyo Honora the owner and CEO was dragging his heels, playing hard ball. Six months and they were still fighting out the details and stress levels were high. I was doing my best to be helpful and supportive while managing the increasing demands of the position he had given to me. Being gone for nearly a week didn't really help either.

I retreated and took a long hot shower, I had missed bathing in New York water. It was in that moment that I realized I might be pregnant, looking at my naked reflection in the mirror. My breasts were larger, swollen, tender, my belly just slightly extended. I constantly felt nauseas and every smell turned my stomach. I should have been panicked, or scared but I wasn't. I felt calm, like everything was happening for a reason, that everything as going to be ok. I was a fool.

I could hear him yelling as I towel dried my hair. I was not in the mood for an angry Simon. All I wanted was sleep, but when he wandered into the bathroom I knew he was looking for more. I was feeling queasy and I didn't want to have sex. Sex was the driving force of our relationship. Simon liked to be in control, he was creative and attentive in bed, doing things to me that I never imagined possible. Making me feel things in places that I never knew existed. Sex with Simon was amazing, life changing but it was also scary and often stressful. My limits were always being tested, my boundaries with pleasure and pain being pushed. Sex began to define us, it brought us closer and on this night it drove us apart. He lifted my wet hair off of my neck, pulling on the collar of my t-shirt and kissed my bare shoulder.

"Simon, I am like really exhausted and we have a meeting in the morning. Lets just go to sleep." He ignored my request as I was brushing my teeth and he slipped his hand under my t-shirt, grabbing at my sore breast. I winced, scrunching up my face.

"Simon I am serious. The answer is no." His face changed at my denial. I had never turned him down before. Ever. I never wanted to until tonight. He pulled his hand away, and glared at me like a spoiled child. I forced myself to lock eyes with him in the mirror.

"So this is how its going to be now?" He ran his hand through his dark hair. "I knew asking you to come with me to live Japan was a horrible idea."

"How what is going to be? And what does Japan have to do with me being tired and not wanting to fuck tonight?!"

"Just because you and my family get along, and I took you to London, that does not mean I will keep you around Amy. Don't get too comfortable."

"Excuse me, keep me around?"

"Was I not clear Love." For the first time him calling me love turned my stomach. "I want to fuck, tonight. If it's not you then I can find someone else..." He should have just slapped me in the face, it would have hurt less.

"Wow, I mean... Wow, what is your problem Simon. You can go fuck yourself. How about that?" I threw my toothbrush into the sink, the water still running and tried to walk away. Simon grabbed me by my by the wrist, twisting me back towards him. He pushed my back into the counter top, his body wedged against me and crashed his lips into mine. I pulled my face away from his, but his hand wrapped around my throat. His thumb pressing into the tender hollow. His lips found mine again, forcing my lips open. I could feel his erection pressing against my belly, my body reacting like Pavlov dog at a ringing bell. In a quick motion he lifted me up on the counter, forcing my legs apart.

"Simon, come on. Please, I don't want to…" He silenced me with his mouth once again, my hands pushing at his chest, trying to stop him. He was enjoying my resistance, my struggle. Before I knew what was happening he pushed my panties aside and slammed into me in a harsh painful thrust. I wasn't ready and I cried out. "Simon, please..." He stilled for a moment, the desperation in my voice getting through to him, the coldness in his eyes softening and gently urged my body back against the mirror, his palm against my chest. He pulled out of me slowly, gently and fell to his knees, tearing my panties away. His mouth quickly finding my uninterested nub, his fingers sliding into me. I blinked back the tears, my body over whelmed with fear and then unwanted pleasure. I fought it for as long as I could but he knew my body so well, knowing exactly what I needed, where I needed it. I cried out as I quickly came around him.

"You're such an asshole, you know that…"

"Mmmmhhhh. I know…" He stood, with a self satisfied grin on his face and slammed into me once again, over and over. This time my body was ready for him, but I was still unwilling where it mattered most, in my heart. But I surrendered to Simon like I always did, it was what he expected. My mind went blank, shutting down in an act of self defense and all I could feel was Simon pounding inside of me angrily, over and over. His mouth on my breasts, sucking and biting my already tender nipples, his one hand cupping my backside, the other rubbing my clit. I felt like I had drifted out of my body and was hovering above us, watching him fuck me. When he was finished, he just walked away leaving me perched on the countertop. Bruises were already forming in my wrist, throat and inner thigh. I was in shock, still recovering from my second unwanted orgasm. Angry at myself for allowing it to happen, angry at him for forcing me. I felt used for the first time in my life, he made me his whore and that I could have been anyone. The anger built in my body. I didn't know this version of Simon, and that scared me. I stripped off my shirt and returned to the shower. I stood there letting the hot water beat down on my body, removing any trace of Simon and I cried.

I had to leave him, this was the final straw. In the six months we were together he had pushed me further and further sexually and emotionally and now I had hit my limit. I walked into the closet and pulled on a sports bra and sweats. I packed the few things I knew were mine, careful not to take anything that Simon had bought for me. He was sleeping soundly on the bed and he looked like a stranger. I snuck out of his apartment, locking the door behind me, deep down knowing it was over, knowing I would never return.

* * *

I knocked on Laurel's door an hour later, not wanting to go back to my apartment just in case Simon discovered I was gone and came looking for me. It is what had happened in the past, I would run and he would find me. But this time was different, I ran someplace he didn't know. Laurel came to the door with sleepy eyes, her small thin frame draped in a huge torn t-shirt, her pink striped hair a knotted bed head mess. It was just after midnight and I knew I had woken her up, my fingers crossed that she was alone. Laurel was a free spirit, I had known her since grade school and she had always marched to the beat of her own drum. She never cared about what people thought, if she was liked or disliked. She always knew who she was and where she belonged. I always envied that about her. We were complete and total opposites and that's why our friendship worked. Bonded by our differences even more so then our similarities.

"Kiddo, where have you been and what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" She took one look at my face and he knew something was wrong. "What the fuck did Simon do now?" I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't stop it from happening. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into her apartment. I told her about the ambush trip to London, that I thought I was pregnant, and what had just happened with Simon and I.

"That smug, sadistic son of a bitch. I will fucking kill him."

"Laurel, come on."

"Don't come on me… I will cut off his balls! You need to end it Aims, I mean he kinda just raped you."

"No he didn't, I mean…"

"Yeah he did and you know he did." I felt an overwhelming sense of shame, I had become that girl, the one who has the bad boyfriend. "You know what else since you've been with him you've changed. And not all for the better. You're like a Simon seeking drone or somethin'."

"I am not like a drone."

"Uh… yeah you are, you do what he wants you to do, wear what he wants, look at how he acted when you didn't want to fuck him tonight... look at what happened..." She held up my arm, showing off the bruises "I know you guys do some kinky shit but this...is bull shit..."

"I know you are right but, it's just that…I love him..." I was having second and third thoughts about leaving and third and fourth thoughts about telling Laurel what had happened. She already disliked Simon, and I had just given her reason to hate him.

"This is not love Amy, this is... Shit I don't know what this is... but it's not love and now a baby... You know he will make you have an abortion."

"I know."

"You end it now, quit your job and move on without him. Hell, what he don't know won't hurt him. You said it yourself he's gonna be moving to Japan in the new year." I hadn't told my family and friends yet but Simon had asked me to go with him and I had agreed. The idea of being away from him seemed like a fate worse then death and now it felt like a relief. Something was changing in him, a dark cloud hovering over his head. I wanted to help and make it better, but he wouldn't let me. My cell phone rang startling us both as Laurel grabbed it off the table.

"It's him..." She clicked the ignore button muttering a bunch of fucks and assholes and set the phone back down. It pinged a moment later that I had a voicemail and then it started to ring again. We both knew it was him, neither on of us reaching for the phone.

"What do you want me to do Amy?"

"Turn it off... I need to get some sleep."

* * *

I woke up the next morning, sore and groggy. I clicked my phone back on and had 25 missed calls, an uncountable about of texts and my mailbox was full. They ranged from angry, pissed, sad, contrite, apologetic, begging, remorseful only for the cycle to start again. I called the office, and told my assistant that I was not going to be in for a few days that I had the flu and promptly turned the phone off again.

"I called Jeff, he is coming over."

"Did you tell him what happened?" She nodded a guilty look on her face.

"He is gonna stop at CVS and pick up a pregnancy test."

"Jesus Laurel are you fucking kidding me?"

"No I am not fucking kidding you! I can sense you're hedging so I told Jeff because I knew you wouldn't and because he will talk some sense into you. You have to end it and Jeff won't let you make a bad decision."


	15. Chapter 14 - Breathing

I couldn't go, I just couldn't. Just the thought of being in the same room with him for an hour was too much. I had two panic attacks since Saturday and I woke up knowing I was going to cancel.

"The White Way... This is Will."

"Uh, hey Will it's me Amy..."

"You're not coming are you?"

"No I can't today. I just... Can't. I'm sorry Will, I really am."

"Are you ok?"

"Not really no. I am sorry to waste your time. I would have called yesterday but I don't have your cell number or anything."

"It's fine, I just live upstairs remember. Is there something I can do, you sound off..."

"No I just haven't been sleeping and the depravation brings on the panic attacks... I am just going to rest today I think... But thanks for asking."

"Will I see you on Wednesday?"

"Yeah, maybe. I will call you."

"Amy, don't do this. You have come so far. Why do I feel like I am not going to see you again. "

"Will, I gotta go…" I hung up quickly and called Dalton's service, I needed to see him and made an appointment for the next day.

* * *

"Well Amy, this is a very interesting turn of events." I had just spilled my guts to Dalton, every random thought about my feelings for Will pouring out of me. I don't even think I took a breath, everything just stumbling out one word after another. He was frantically writing in his note book trying to keep up and then after a long silence he finally looked up at me. "I was surprised to see you back on my Tuesday appointments but now I understand why."

" That is ALL you have to say to me? Seriously? I am freaking out, I seriously am freaking out!" He put down his note book and crossed his legs leaning back in his chair and I just knew that next words to come out of his mouth were going to piss me off.

"Why do you think that is..."

"WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?! I thought I was paying you to answer these questions." He chuckled, but I did find any of this funny.

"Amy, everything you just told me are all good things. If you remember two years ago when Dino expressed the desire for you and he to have a relationship you were adamant that you would never have these kinds of feelings again. Actually you were adamant you were incapable of these types of feelings…ever and now you are. Capable."

"But I don't want to have them."

"Why is that?" Why is that? I mocked him in my head.

"A million reasons. I don't have good judgment when it comes to these feelings. I know he will never feel the same way about me...and I need him right now. I need to see this through. But now its all complicated. At least for me it is. I can't focus when I am around him."

"Why can't you focus?"

"I keep thinking about him touching me, or touching him. And then I get all panicked and confused and I can't breathe…And to him I am just some pay it forward project."

"First of all, you don't know what Will is feeling or what he is going to feel in the future. But regardless of his feelings, you have to see that this is all about control. You need to figure out how to control what you are feeling in a way that does not compromise your progress but doesn't hinder it either. It is no different then choosing leaving the house, choosing coming here to see me, choosing to have a conversation with your parents. It's just a more layered choice. This is what we have been working on for years Amy. You can do this. You have all the tools."

"I hate feeling like this again, like out of control and obsessive."

"So don't allow yourself to feel like that. Tools Amy tools. Breathing, visualization, focus..." _Breathing, visualization, focus...Breathing, visualization, focus...Breathing, visualization, focus... _I chanted it over and over in my head but it was not working.

"I know, I just...I don't want to fall in love with him. I just can't." I was crying now, tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't even have the pride to wipe them away. He took of his glasses and leaned in towards me.

"Amy, that is one thing you can't control. Who you love and why you love them. It happens to the best of us and if it happens to you again, and I really hope that it does. This time you will be smarter, stronger and you will know what feels right and what doesn't. Look, we have been working together for a long time, many hard hours spent in this little room and what you told me today is a breakthrough that I thought was years and hours down the road, if ever. Whatever it is about this Will person has opened you up…If you fall in love with him or he has feeling for you…none of that matters, what matters is your ability to have these feelings at all. To work through them so they don't take over your life. You can't let your fear stop you anymore..."

* * *

Wednesday came and I was heading back to the studio, armed with the tools and Daltons words lingering in my head. _You can't let your fear stop you anymore. _The morning air was cold and heavy from the rain we had all weekend. I pulled my coat tighter around me, and wished I would have grabbed a scarf, grateful I had worn a sweat shirt over my tank top instead of my usual baggy t-shirt. I thought about Will all day, even though I tried not to. I was feeling a bit manic, like I was regressing back, when all I wanted to do was move forward. I forced my mind into another place, focusing on the impending work out. I wanted to see Will. I wanted to talk to him, have his energy around me but at the same time what I was feeling scared me deep to my core. I couldn't afford to mess this up, I needed Will to get me ready for what was coming next. I was sure that if he couldn't nobody could.

When I walked in Will was not alone, there was a woman with him. She was tall, thin, long reddish hair, she was beautiful. They was having a heated conversation, the woman was clearly upset and Will lifted his hand to her shoulder to comfort her, running it up and down the length of her arm. She grasped his other hand in hers and I felt an actual pain in my chest. _Breathing, visualization, focus...Breathing, visualization, focus...Breathing, visualization, focus..._They were so engaged in each other neither noticed that I walked in the door. I didn't know what to do, so I stood there waiting, like an interloper in their private moment. A few minutes passed and finally the women yelled out a desperate no, turning her back to Will to walk away. They were both startled to see me there, I could feel my cheeks start to burn with embarrassment. She walked passed me and smiled, but I could still see the sadness and a hint of a tear in her eye. When I got a closer look at her face, her eyes her smile, I knew. She left and I could feel the air in the room change. Will took a moment to collect himself before making his way over to me.

"Morning Amy. Sorry about that...I uh... I didn't hear you come in."

"I am the one who should be sorry, I just didn't know if I should stay or go..."

"No, it's fine, you were right to stay. We have an appointment...though I wasn't sure you were going to come. I am really glad you did." Though his obvious pain he gave me a small smile and I smiled back at him. See this is why I had these feelings, he was so easy and open and kind to me. That's all this was... I was his pay it forward project. It was a fact I needed to remember. _Breathing, visualization, focus..._

"Was that your sister?" He looked at me with a puzzled expression.

"Yeah, how did you know?" He crossed his arms against his chest, and leaned back against the front desk. I had to tear my eyes away from the toned muscles of his forearms, still trying to make out the intricate tattoos.

"Eyes...you guys have the same eyes..."

"That we do..." He looked sad and exhausted. There was not even a trace of a smile on his face.

"Are you ok?"

"Our father is sick...We went to the hospital this morning to see him... and Tracy…my sister is not taking it well, we are all very close."

"That sucks, I am so sorry. Is he going to be ok?"

"No, I don't think so...Congestive heart failure, dad is a big guy that never really took care of himself, smoked for 40 years…Anyway, lets just get to work ok... I really need the distraction."

"So do I..."

"Everything ok, you didn't sound so good on Monday… honestly I wasn't sure if I was going to see you today?"

"I have a lot on my mind is all. I saw Dino on Saturday."

"Yeah?"

"We had breakfast...he and Grace are having a baby and he is moving to Long Island." His brow furrowed for a second and then he smiled again.

"WOW, that's great news. I can't imagine Dino in LI…I will have to call him and give him some crap...Is he freaking out?"

"Uh-huh..."

"Yeah, he doesn't do change well." He was looking past me at the wall, just staring off as he spoke I could tell his mind was in another place.

"Nope… Will, listen we don't have to do this today, I get if you are not up to it. I can go..."

"Amy, no. I want you to stay. I mean, I am fine... you came here for a workout... and that's what we are going to do."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Like I said I need the distraction."


	16. Chapter 15 - Feelings

Will was a mean horrible, son of a bitch and I hated him. He kept me on the treadmill, changing the incline more and more, higher and higher until I felt like I was literally climbing Mount-fucking Everest. My calves were an inferno and I could barely breathe.

"Dig Deep Amy. Push." I was dying, as I unzipped my sweat jacket trying to find a hint of cold air to cool my body. I grunted my way thru the next five minutes until he finally started my cool down.

"You did good, real good! Come on to the weights we go."

"No... I… am... done... for... today..." I glared up at him, panting the words out as I cracked open a bottle of water, wishing I could pour it over me.

"Amy..."

"No I am done, I feel sick, I am hot and sweaty and I am done Will."

"You are hot because you have a million layers of clothes on... Take off your sweatshirt and lets get back to work." I couldn't take off my sweatshirt, I had only a tank top and sports bra on underneath. Neither one concealing the various scars that marred my back and shoulders.

"That's not happening..." I walked passed him and for a second I thought he might try and stop me.

"Amy, wait. Come on…we are not done..." He ran past me and stood blocking the door. "I'm sorry, you should have told me it was too much, you were doing such a great job, I thought you were ok."

"I was ok, I was just hot and I can't take my sweatshirt off, it was cold this morning. I wasn't thinking.." My mind was racing, why didn't I put on a freaking t-shirt this morning.

"Wait why can't you take your sweatshirt off..."

"Well… I have… it's just… I have scars, lots of them..."

"Amy everyone has scars..."

"Not like mine..." He frowned and exhaled sharply. Before I knew what was happening, he lifted his t-shirt over his head. He stood next to me bare-chested revealing more then just his toned abs.

"These two are bullet wounds, they go all the way through." He turned showing me the exits wounds that went through his shoulder. Gnarled rounds of raised flesh, his tattoos ringing around them like vines. "This one here was also a bullet but it had to be surgically removed. It ruptured my spleen, broke a few ribs, it got taken out in pieces. This one was a knife wound from a bar fight in college, I won the fight by the way, and I was the guy without the knife." I couldn't take my eyes off of him. "It's just skin… it heals it grows back. "

"I know..."

"Amy...Take of your sweatshirt, cool off and let's get back to work. We already lost a day this week." _You can't let your fear stop you anymore...You can't let your fear stop you anymore...You can't let your fear stop you anymore…_I was shaking as I unzipped my sweatshirt and slowly removed it waiting to see if I actually had the nerve. I turned my back towards him, blinking back the tears that I wanted to cry, but wouldn't.

"This one here is a ... bite mark." I swallowed the lump in my throat. My voice didn't sound like my own as I pointed to my upper right shoulder. "These long ones are from a…. cane. There are eighteen in total and then run all the way down my back." I turned to him and extended my hands palm side up, exposing the textured scars on my wrists. "These are from rope, I have them on my ankles too but not as bad." Next I pointed to a series of long, thin raised lines on my chest. "These are from a box cutter, there are nine on this side…" I turned slightly. "And twelve here. I have a bunch more, cuts, burns all over my body but these are the ones you will see if I don't wear my sweatshirt... No one has ever seen them..." He reached put to touch my hand and I recoiled, taking two large steps away from him. "Don't." I whispered, my bottom lip quivering. _Breathing, visualization, focus...Breathing, visualization, focus...Breathing, visualization, focus..._

"Amy, I am so sorry... I had no idea..." And there it was, the pity in his eyes as he looked at me. I pulled my sweatshirt back on in haste, zipping it all the way to the top. "Amy…"

"No, Will, don't." I turned on my heel and walked out of the studio, leaving my bag and coat by the front desk. I heard him calling after me, as I ran across the street, dodging cars. I hated that look, I got every day of my life from anyone who knew the truth. Pity. What was I thinking showing him my scars, taking off my sweatshirt. Stupid fucking Dalton and his you can't live in fear shit. Fear had worked well for me so far. It kept me safe, it kept me from feeling like this, pathetic and pitied. I couldn't do this with Will , not anymore. I needed to find another way, another person to teach me how to protect myself. A DVD, why not, one of those kickboxing ones. Easy….

* * *

It was cold, I was half way to the park when I realized that my teeth were chattering and I couldn't feel my fingers, the adrenaline wearing off. I hated being cold more then just about anything. I turned reluctantly and made my way back to the studio. Playing over and over in my head what I was going to say. I tucked my arms across my chest, picking up my pace. I finally got back to the studio, pushed on the door, it was locked. Of course it was locked, I peeked into the windows and the lights were off. I laughed to myself, I could see my bag and coat in thru the window. I felt like a rag tag orphan, in a silent film, my nose pressed against the glass. It would be a long cold, walk home and I didn't have my key to get in or my cell phone to call my parents at work. I really needed to start thinking before I acted.

"Jesus Amy!" I heard his voice from behind me, and I jumped. "I have been looking for you, it's fucking freezing out here. Come back inside " He walked passed me and unlocked the door, the warm air felt amazing against my frozen face. I grabbed my coat and wrapped it around me, throwing my bag over my shoulder. "Amy don't go, not like this." Just say what you planned, quickly and leave.

"Look, thank you for what you are trying to do. I get that you feel like you have to pay it forward or whatever but this… this is not going to work. I can't be your pay it forward project. So I won't be coming back." I was pulling at the hem of my coat, biting the inside of my cheek forcing myself to not cry.

"Amy, look at me… please…You are not my pay it forward project" I reluctantly looked him in the eye, the pity was thankfully gone but it was replaced by something I hadn't really seen from him before. "I really don't want you to go. We made a deal…"

"You feel obligated, I really don't understand why you do… I guess because of Dino…"

"It has nothing to do with Dino, I mean not on my end anyway."

"What does that mean?"

"I get it, you have feeling for Dino, that's why you are all out of sorts today. Grace and the baby."

"That's crazy, Dino and I are friends. That's all. He saved my life but I don't have like romantic feelings for him. I was out of sorts because I can't be here, I can't… Since I started coming here I feel different, out of control and then at the same time I feel more in control then I have in years. It's just too much… Change or whatever…" Ok this was not what I had planned to say, so much for visualizing and focus.

"You're afraid… I get that, but you said it yourself… You feel in control. I just don't want you to give up, I am sorry that I pushed too hard today. I just want you to get better…"

"I want that too. You have no idea how much, especially now that I have fe…" I stopped myself before the words came out and quickly turned to leave.

"Wait, just wait, now that you have what?

"FEELINGS! Because I have feelings that I never expected to have, never wanted to have but I do… have them and I realized today it does not matter." He looked at me confused, his brow furrowed, his eyes fixed on me, trying to read me like a book.

"Feelings about what?"

"About you. I have feelings about you… for you… I guess. I don't know, it all a big mess in my head." _Breathing, visualization, focus... _I was trying to keep calm, trying to keep the panic at bay, but I had just said I had feelings out loud and in English. There was no turning back now. I rested my head in my hands and rubbed the mounting tension out of my temples while Will digested what I just said. He took a few beats and a step closer to me, I wanted to take a step back but instead stood there like a stone.

"And why do your feelings for me…about me not matter."

"Really Will really… because you won't have the same feelings… and being around you, working with you, working up the trust for you to touch me, trusting you at all could be bad for me."

"Amy, It could be really good for you too… I have been thinking about you non-stop since you walked in that door last week. I pushed you today because I want you to get better, because I am feeling something for you that I haven't felt in a very long time and it sucks that I can't just reach out and touch you. When you showed my your scars today, I just wanted to wrap you up in my arms and make it all go away for you. I wanted to kill Simon Archer… I wanted to go back in time and meet you on that subway, ask you out for a cup of coffee and make you insanely late for work so you never would have met him… Amy I have feelings too." Holy Shit… this was not happening. This is not at all how this was suppose to go… I wanted to run. It needed to get out of there. The huge space was suddenly feeling small.

"What you are feeling is called pity…"

"No that is not even in the neighborhood of what I am feeling for you. I don't want you to go, I don't want to not see you. When you cancelled on Monday I thought that was it… and then you came back today… everything I have going on with my dad just seeing you made me feel better. When you just walked out of here today and I couldn't find you, I kind of panicked. I don't have your number or anything, It took me a minute to remember we both know Dino. I can't explain what this is, or what this is going to be… I can't explain why I am feeling what I am feeling after knowing you for a week. But I don't have to, there is no rush. You come, we work out… we talk… and that's all this needs to be for now. And whatever comes next, for us…comes next."

Us, Will thought there might be a possibility of an us. He had feelings, and just like me he was not sure what they meant or where they would lead us. But it didn't really matter, not today. Today all that mattered was that there was a possibility, and that was enough.


	17. Chapter 16 - Walls

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you that have been reading, following, PM'ing and reviewing. You have no idea how much I appricate all the feedback. This is a hard story to write, and knowing you guys are getting it really pushes me to keep going... I also wanted to add a few more songs... Music has been super necessary

Colorblind - Natalie Walker ( Counting Crows Cover), No Light, No Light Florence and the Machine ( her music has fit perfectly with this story and I was not really a fan of hers before i started writing), Sia-Breathe Me ( A new find, a gem of a song for Amy's POV), A Fine Frenzy - Near to you ( Perfect for Will and Amy)

Thank you all again!

xoxo PPP

* * *

Healing by definition means to make sound or whole; to restore to original purity or integrity. I know this because a long time ago I looked the word up in an old dictionary I had used in grade school. You know those old fashioned dictionaries that existed long before the days of Google, a thick leather bound book, it's pages edged in gold leaf, they have that strong but comforting musty smell of weekends at grandma's house and butterscotch candy.

For years those words have haunted me, lingering in my head over and over again... _to restore to original purity or integrity. _I just loved the sound of it, it gave me hope during a time when hope was scarce. Many nights I would lay awake wondering, if such a thing was even possible. Could I be the Amy I used to be, could I be restored. I am still not sure, but what I do know is how much I want it to be true; need it to be true.

It is something I have always secretly wanted it for myself but now I want it for Will and for Dino and his impending baby and for my parents and Laurel and Jeff. All the people in my life who despite the spectacular mess I have become, still manage to love me. They are all still in my corner rooting for me, waiting for me. I just need to figure out how to root for myself again.

To restore to original purity or integrity…

* * *

A fresh layer of snow coated the ground, Christmas was two weeks away and we were already having a harsh winter. I had pulled on my new snow boots and layered on the sweats, scarf and coat. It was Monday, and after a long weekend of doing nothing but reading Little Women (my Christmas time tradition) and listening to music on Pandora, I was finally going to see Will again. I was not sure how it was, but the last six weeks working out with him had been the best weeks of my life. Somehow he had managed to make me feel normal again, make me feel like things were just in my grasp. All I had to do reach just a little further, stretch just a little more and it could all be mine. He could be mine. I could be his.

Over the six weeks Will had some how mannered to help my body as well as my mind. I was finally making some hard earned progress. I lost fifteen pounds already, it literally fell off of me and even though the idea of weight loss shook me to my core I tried to focus on the fact that I was able to go on the treadmill non-stop for five miles. I chose to focus on the fact that I could do sit-ups and pushups again, that my arms and shoulders were getting stronger, defined even. I still couldn't look at myself in a mirror, but I wanted to see the changes; Just not yet.

Will and I still had not started the self defense training, and I could tell it was a point of frustration for him. Even after all the time we were spending together and trust that innately had for Will, I still couldn't stomach the idea of being touched. I don't know why I just wouldn't let it happen, despite all the opportunities. There have been a million little moments when I wanted to touch him, had wanted him to touch me. I knew he felt it too and the fact that he didn't just go head and touch me with out my permission; That he understood me so well, made me love him all the more.

I was still reeling in complete shock and awe that we had feelings for one another. We had not spoken about them again though, it wasn't necessary. We both knew what we felt, and the was enough for was always this nagging fear; I wasn't sure how long Will would be willing to wait for something that may never happen but I had to hold on to the hope that I would come around sooner then later.

"Good Morning Aims..." Will walked to the door to greet me, his smile warm, his brown eyes fixed on me, the flutter of happiness in my belly. It always felt like this when I was with him.

"Morning Will...Good weekend?" I flung my coat and bag down by the front desk like I always do and leaned against it.

"Great weekend actually, I went out with some old college friends. We had a great time. You know that bar on the corner of Metro?"

"Yeah, I think so…Uh…" I knew the place, Laurel and I used to hang out there years ago when we were underage, her brother knew the owner. It's changed hands a few times since then, but I knew how small it was and how many people would pack in there. The lights dim, the music loud pounding, bodies swaying to the beat, the smell of booze permeated the air. It was everything that would make me want to cover my ears and scream.

"We should go there one night, they have surprisingly great burgers." He looked at me sheepishly, asking to see me outside of the studio for the first time and for a brief second I wished that I could sit at the bar with him like a normal girl. I wished I would have met him there when I was nineteen, when I was fresh and new. When I was able to really love and be loved, with out fear or trepidation. If only I would have met him before everything good about me was long gone, lost in an apartment uptown, many moons ago.

"Um, yeah we could..." I could feel my face scrunch up as I said it, like I just smelled something foul. I had zero poker face, I never did (like mother like daughter). Will frowned, and took a step closer to me, lowering his voice an octave before he spoke again.

"You don't do bars do you?" I shook my head back in forth slowly.

"No, not anymore I don't. I mean drunk people tend to be all touchy feely. So..." He nodded as a look of understanding spread across his face.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking. We are all going there again this Friday and I just would have liked for you to come with me…You know I can skip it. Maybe we could do dinner somewhere else or something." he raised his eyebrows and smiled. Dinner with Will, outside of the studio, a date. I felt this tingle surge thru my body, excitement and anticipation.

"I would really like that."

"Great! Dinner…You and me... Friday night... Come on we have much to accomplish today. We are going to try something new. After your work out we are gonna throw some punches today."

* * *

I was at mile two, sweating like a rabid beast when Will's cell phone began to ring. He fished it out of his pocket and mouthed to me that he would be right back as he walked away. I kept my focus on my running but my eyes on Will. I instantly noticed his stance change, as he walked away, his shoulders slumped, his head hung low. He leaned against the wall, his palm flat against the concrete blocks, as if he was bracing himself unable to hold up the weight of his body. I couldn't hear what he was saying over the hum of the treadmill, but I knew something was wrong, very very wrong.

He turned off his phone, stared at it, clutching the phone in his free hand and just stood there for a moment. Then in slow motion, he pulled his hand back and threw his phone against the wall, it shattered around him in pieces. A deep guttural moan, escaping from his lips echoing throughout the large space. I jumped off the treadmill, in shock about what I had just seen. It was so unlike him to react with such unfiltered emotion.

Fear began to bubble up inside of me but I started making my way towards him anyway. In that moment his pain seemed more important then my fear as I watched him punch his fist into the wall once and then again leaving a bloody stain on the white painted surface. I was standing behind him now, watching him rear his hand back for the third time and I shouted out to him.

"Will, don't!" I reached out and wrapped both of my hands around his bare forearm, pulling it towards my chest, it hit me with a thud, shocking us both, knocking the wind out of me. He stilled at my touch and I instinctively grabbed at his battered hand, inspecting the extent of the damage.

"Will, you're bleeding." The smell of blood was a huge trigger for me, one I still had not overcome (unlike coffee) I turned my face away from him and took a deep breath, my body shaking. He looked down at his hand and then at me.

"Amy…You're touching me..." His voice was hoarse and ragged, his eyes glassy as he slowly wrapped his uninjured hand around mine. I nodded, closing my eyes. Remembering what it felt like to be touched. The warmth of Will's hand radiated through my entire body.

"I know... I know I am." I swallowed the words, not really believing that I was actually touching another person. "Will, what the hell happened?"

"My...My dad died." I could see him start to fall apart, watching all his strength, focus and control, slipping away from him; His fathers death was his Achilles heel. Tears broke the corners of his eyes, as his hand tightened around mine. I instinctively wrapped my free arm around his waist, and then his arms were enveloping me. He leaned against the wall and slid down taking me with him until we were both sitting on the mat, my body curled into his.

There was no room in my mind for fear or panic, Will was the only thing that mattered to me. For the first time in years, my feelings and emotional needs were not the most important thing, his were. Despite the weight of what was happening around us, to us. I felt a freedom I had not felt in years, maybe even ever. Will was the reason and for that I held him that much tighter, as he silently cried, tears streaming from my own eyes on to the top of his head.

Overwhelmed by his pain, his anger a few minutes earlier, my own anxiety, the touch of his hands, the feeling of being held, of holding someone. Realizing in that moment how much I had missed it, craved it even after all these years of denying myself the comfort of another person. Comfort was the one thing I truly needed.

I couldn't tell you how much time passed between us, minutes or hours. He looked up at me and we both let out a collective sigh of relief. This is what home really feels like. This is what people write about in books and talk about in movies. This is what a soul mate feels like.

"I am afraid to let you go, that you won't let me hold you like this again." He finally spoke, and his words snapped me back into reality. He was right to feel that way.

"I am afraid that I won't let you hold me again. But you have to let me go, Tracy needs you." He nodded loosening his grasp on me, my body feeling the cold air as he stood. Will towered over me, and extended his hand. I couldn't take it. I don't know why, but the moment was broken between us and the panic came crashing back to me. I looked away and stood on my own, stretched the stiffness out of my back and the numbness out of my left leg. I couldn't bring myself to look at him again. I wiped a wayward tear off my cheek and made my way to the front desk.

"Amy..." I could hear the desperation in his voice, it was matched by the sick feeling in my belly.

"Will, you need to go be with your family. And you need to clean that hand. You have my number, you should just call me when you can ok." I put on my coat and flung my bag over my shoulder. "I am so sorry about your dad." I wasn't sure he heard me my voice was so low, but as I walked out the door I heard him say thank you. I began to cry as I turned the corner, the cold winter air beating against my face. I couldn't go home, I wandered around a bit until I found my self outside Dalton's office. My feet knowing what I needed before my mind did.


	18. Chapter 17 - Spiral

"I need to see Dalton immediately." I stormed into his office, Lidia his receptionist startled by my proclamation, leaving a trail of wet snowy foot prints in my path.

"Amy, he is with a patient and is booked all day."

"I don't care, it is an emergency. I need to see him." I was near hysterics now, tears streaming down my face, shaking. There was a woman sitting in the waiting room, she was older maybe in her forties, her perfume filled the small room and she had a very expensive Michael Kors bag perched on her lap.

"Lidia, she can have my appointment, I can reschedule." Relief washed over me as I whispered thank you. She stood from the chair, putting her bag over her shoulder. She walked passed me, as she said you're welcome and grabbed my bare hand giving gentle squeeze; telling me everything was going to be ok.

I froze and Lidia, who had known me for years gasped out loud. The woman left, her perfume lingering and I was done. Completely done. Lidia must have seen it a tens of time, the look of a patient about to fall off the edge because she got up and knocked on the door to Daltons office, interrupting his appointment. At that point I stopped hearing, I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe. I just stood there wanting to scream. 1...2...3...4... Off in the distance I could hear Dalton saying my name and then the loud clap of his hands right in front of my face snapping me out of it.

"Amy look at me...What happened?" I turned my head up to him, and I could see the concern in his eyes. His poker face no where to be found.

"I love him."

"I know... I know you do…Amy you're frozen and soaking wet...Come inside my office...Come...Lidia cancel my appointments for the rest of the afternoon and make Amy a cup of tea please."

It took him a while to calm me down, his soothing familiar voice easing me off my mental ledge. I was finally able to breathe and think rationally, his office always made me feel safe. I told Dalton everything that had happened, about Will's father, the cell phone, me grabbing at his bleeding hand, the smell of blood choking me, allowing Will holding me. I told him how I rushed right over and then the women in his office just briefly touching me. He looked at me over his glasses his face giving nothing away.

"And the world didn't end Amy, did it?"

"No it didn't. But..."

"No buts, you were touched, you touched someone and the world didn't end. How did it feel? You told me what happened but you said nothing about how it made you feel?"

"It felt good, I didn't realize how much I needed to be held until the moment he was holding me. I felt safe, I guess and free. I felt free."

"So if you were feeling all of that, what happened that cause this spiral?"

"He let me go."

"He let you go..."

"And then I felt lost all over again. So I ran away. I left him there all sad and confused."

"You had a lot happen in a very short span of time Amy. It is understandable that you were greatly effected. But the thing to hold on to is that you are fine. Will touched you and a perfect stranger touched you and you are fine."

"I am fine..." I let the words roll around in my mouth and mind. "I am fine!"

"Well relativity speaking."


	19. Chapter 18 - Pastry

Three days had passed and I had not heard from Will. I had called the studio, his sad voice on the message saying he was closed due to a family emergency. I wanted to call his cell but I just felt like a shouldn't, not sure if he even had the time to get a new one. If he needed me he would call, right now his focus had to be Tracy and his family. I knew so little about him, where he came from, if his mother was still alive. Did he have more siblings, or children of his own. It was possible. All I really knew about him was his addiction and his present. Everything else about him needed to be filled in.

I felt lost, my routine completely broken. I missed him. Missed being around him. This realization was of course a nightmare, needing someone again. Wanting someone, thinking about him, worrying about him. This is how I felt in the beginning with Simon. I tried to shake that idea out of my head. Will and Simon were not the same man and I was not the girl I used to be. But the more I felt for Will, the more I thought about him; the more that Simon lingered in my mind, haunting me.

* * *

I needed a distraction, from my own thoughts and I knew Laurel was the answer. It had been a few days since I had spoken to her and a over a month since I had actually seen her. Before I met Simon we would talk daily and see each other a few times a week. She was the main person in my life really, and then I met Simon and I pushed her to the back burner. I became that girl.

Over the last five years though Laurel stuck by me, she adhered to my strict and crazy guidelines, she never judged me and was always there when I really needed her, even though the same couldn't be said for me. I was a terrible horrible friend. And while we are at it I am an awful ungrateful daughter too. Laurel would sing to me, softy. In the midst of a freak out her voice would temper my despair. Those first days in the hospital it was her voice that brought me out of the darkness. _Sunny days…keeping the clouds…away… On my way to where the air is sweet… Can you tell me how to get… _

I knew Laurel's weak spot and used it to my supreme advantage, tempting her with the promise of margaritas and guacamole. She was at my apartment fifteen minutes, tequila in one hand and limes in the other.

"So what goes on with you Amy, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." She took a long sip of her blended margarita and licked a touch of salt off the rim. I hadn't told anyone except Dino and Dalton about Will and my classes. I knew Laurel would somehow manage to tell Jeff and Jeff would tell my parents and then it would become a huge thing. The last thing I needed was the pressure of a thing.

I broke I chip in half and dipped in to the perfect green goop (what my mother does for chicken I do for avocado) chewing it slowly having some time to think of my answer.

"Well, I have been seeing Dalton two times a week lately and I have been working out a bit, just walking and stuff." I dropped my voice low, almost hoping she wouldn't hear me but at the sound of the words working out her eyes shot open real wide. I could see she was trying to contain her excitement, knowing it would force me to regress.

"That's great Amy, I had noticed that you lost a few but I didn't want to say anything cause you usually get all pissy when I do. But you look really good." I pulled on my sweatshirt, self consciously . "You can really see it in you face and neck." I ran my hand along my neck, feeling the bones of my clavicle.

"Uhhh, thanks. Anyway... I have just been hanging out I guess, reading a lot. The usual... What about you? How are things with uh... I don't remember his name..."

"Bryan?" I nodded, that was it Bryan. She shoved a chip in her mouth and continued. "We broke up, nothing in common you know. I mean it was fun for a minute and then I was so totally and completely over it. You know he was a chef so he worked all these crazy hours and he was good-ish in bed but we had nothing to talk about. He kept trying to get me to eat meat...Hello not since the 10th grade."

"Well I am sorry it didn't you know, work out." She smiled at me and stood to get herself a refill, gesturing for my glass. I nodded that I was good. One margarita was enough, I liked to get drunk alone.

"So have you spoken to Jeff?" She asked sheepishly, with this look on her face that I had not seen in years. Why was Laurel bring up Jeff?

"Yeah, on the phone but I haven't seen him in weeks, he has been super busy at the shop." She poured her glass full and set it on my counter. There was a long pause before she spoke again. I could sense her hesitation and the pieces started to click in my brain.

"Yeah I know, I brought my car in last week. Oil change and stuff like that." A strange look passed over her face, a mix of guilt and nervousness and I knew.

"Laurel, did you have sex with Jeff?" I yelled out, her jaw dropped and she nervously took a sip of her drink. I stood and walked over to her, arms crossed against my chest. "Laurel?"

"Yeah...I kinda did...I mean he fixed my car and then we went for a beer and then he bought me a veggie burger..."

"And then you had sex with him?"

"NO!" She looked offended. "He asked me out, we had dinner and then I had sex with him." She wouldn't look me in the eye so she couldn't see the goofy smile plastered across my face.

"So it wasn't like a hookup one night stand thing?" She just shook her head no, if I could have I would have hugged her.

"Lore, this is like great news. Seriously, why did you wait a freaking week to tell me!"

"I wanted to I really really wanted to but... I errr, didn't want you to you know freak out."

"I would not have freaked out..."

"Amy you are a freaker outer... it is what you do."

"Yeah true but not about this, I mean I have been like wanting this since the sixth grade."

"Seventh grade..."

"Whatever the point is this is really great news...are you guys like together now or..."

"It more of an or then together...It's kinda up in the air. Maybe now that you know it can... I don't know... I mean I would really like us to be together I think, but I have no clue what he wants." She plopped down on my sofa , kicking her legs up on the ottoman. "This is nice Aims, you me, Rita's talking about boys and stuff. This hasn't happened in... god knows how long..." He voice trailed off, and I realized that she missed the old Amy too. "Its nice to see the old you again." I sat across from her on the chair and leaned in.

"Its nice to be seen. Laurel, I am sorry if I have been you know... crazy..."

"You're not crazy Aims... your just fucked up right now... but we all are, you just aren't a phony fuck about it. You wear your fucked up proud."

* * *

My phone rang two days later I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw the letter W pop up on my phone. He was finally calling me. I was almost afraid to answer. Not knowing what to say.

"Hello"

"Hey Amy."

"Hey Will, you got a new phone I see. Uh…How are you?"

"I am shitty but better then I was when you saw me on Monday. And yeah I got a new phone… I am sorry if I scared you the other day, I shouldn't have reacted like that.

"You didn't scare me, I was just really afraid for you, not of you." I could hear him exhale a sigh of relief.

"Listen I know we have dinner plans for tonight..."

"Will don't be silly I don't expect you to keep them..."

"No! I still want to see you, it has kinda been the one thing keeping me going this week... but I don't feel much like sitting in a restaurant around a bunch of people. I wanted to see if you would be ok with pizza at my apartment. We would be alone but..." I was the one thing keeping him going. I kinda stopped listening after that. Butterflies fluttering deep in my belly, a mix of hope and excitement.

"We are alone all the time Will." It's true, we were always alone and while it gave me a moment of pause in the beginning, I was oddly fine with it. I never felt uneasy around him, I never felt like he would hurt me.

"I know, I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea or anything." I could hear the nervousness in his voice and I smiled at the though of a big old bull dog like Will being nervous, waiting for my response.

"I wouldn't, and I know you wouldn't either. Pizza sounds great but only if you order from Rosa's on Grand..."

"Done...I will pick you up at six..." I could hear the smile in his voice and I couldn't help but match it.

"No, I can walk and on my way I can pick up some pastry on the way..."

"Seriously, I can pick you up and we can stop and get pastry."

"I like to walk. I walk to you every day." The truth was I didn't want my mom or dad seeing me getting in his car and having to answer for it. I still liked the idea that Will was known only to me.

"Fine then come at five before it gets dark and I will drive you home."

"Ok fine. I will see you soon."


	20. Chapter 29 - Indeed

Wow, just wow... you guys have been so wonderful with your feedback... I am unsure about this chapter but I think it is important to show the good and bad of Simon, to understand why Amy fell in love with him and how things too such a spiral. This chapter is for the over 18 set, and I would really appricate your reviews on this one to know if I am making the right decision...

* * *

I was not going to get dressed up, I mean he saw me all the time in sweats, hair a mess, dripping in hard earned sweat and no makeup. I was not going to get all freaked out and doll myself up. It was pizza with a friend. That's all, I would wear the same thing I would if it were Laurel or Jeff. Jeans and a turtleneck. Simple. I did blow out my hair perfectly straight, something I hadn't done in probably a year or more. It took forever but when it was done I was happy I did it. I always felt better when my hair was done, I stood a little taller. I held fast and didn't put on makeup, just a little gloss like I always do and by four thirty I was out the door.

The snow had turned to ice and grey slush, piled up on corners making everything look cluttered and dirty. I was hoping for a few warms days to make it all go away but it was just going to get colder and darker.

The streets were empty and I was alone with only my thoughts and memories.

The closer I got to Will's apartment the more anxious I got. This was a date. A real date. I trusted him, I really did but he was an man. Maybe he had expectations. No this was Will, he knew me. He knew that I couldn't…That I wouldn't…The last first date I went on was with Simon and that was the beginning of the end.

* * *

His apartment over looked Central Park, of course it did. Simon was the perfect man, and the perfect man has the perfect apartment that over looks the park. We had kissed the entire car ride there, his fingers tangled in my hair, his arm around my waist pressing my body to his. I had never in my life wanted a man so much, it was nearing painful as we rode up the elevator to his floor. By the time the doors opened, my Calvin Klein dress was unzipped in the back and his hand gently ran up and down the length of my body. I was overwhelmed already, every synapse in my body firing off at once. I had never kissed on a first date before and now here I was half naked and we didn't even really go on a date yet, he literally had just picked me up. What was I doing and who was this person?

His apartment became a blur of white and grey as we walked to his bedroom, tangled in each other, leaving various items of clothing along the way. All that was left were my panties and my studded shoes, and he was naked from the waist up, his belt unbuckled. He hadn't even touched me yet and it was already the most intense sexual experience I had ever had.

"Sit on the bed Love." His voice was different, controlled and sexy as hell. I did as he said and watched him strip off his pants, shoes and boxer briefs. Oh my fucking God! This was not happening, I mean seriously. There is no way that men like Simon really exist. But here he was on his knees , between my legs, his hands on my breasts gently urging me back on the bed. His hands brushed over my thighs, over my knees and claves, taking off one of my shoes and then the other. Every movement was slow and measured. He eased my panties over my hips and down my legs tossing them over his shoulder. He smirked at me. This was happening. It was really happening.

"I want you to come for me Amy, but only when I tell you too." I looked up at him puzzled (what does that mean, when he tells me to?)

"Say you understand." He kissed my knee and his tongue trailed down my thigh. I gasped, unable to answer him, my mouth dry. He reached up and pinched my nipple hard, I yelped but it sent a surge to my core. "Amy say you understand…"

"I understand." Some how I managed to get the words out and he smiled, running his hands once again over my aching breasts, gently this time.

"If you come before I allow it... I will not be pleased. You want to please me don't you."

"Yes, I do." I didn't recognize my own voice as I spoke, I didn't even think before I answered.

He lifted my legs up on to his shoulders and then his tongue was on me, in me. I was consumed in every way possible when he slid his fingers inside of me, pressing me in a place I never knew existed. His tongue hitting me over and over again at just the right time. I fought it, the pleasure but I was going to come and I knew he wasn't ready for me to.

"Simon, stop I am going to..." I came, loudly and violently in his mouth and around his fingers, I couldn't stop it even though I really did try. My entire being quivered, something stirring in me that I never felt before, an awakening. Is that what an orgasm is really suppose to feel like?

"Amy you disappoint me, one simple request." He slid a third finger inside of me and I yelped out in a mix of pain and pleasure, my tender tissues swollen. He pumped his fingers in me over and over again until I was so very close again, not sure if I should come or not. I was so confused already and this had just began. Just as I was about to go over the edge, he pulled them out of me and quickly stood. I opened my eyes and locked eyes with him. Uh, what the fuck? I laid there baffled, insecure.

"Love, love, love, if only you would have listened."

I sat up, propping my body on my elbows, my mouth a gape, my mind racing because I wanted him to do what ever he wanted. I knew things were about to take a turn, past the point of no return.

He grabbed my legs by the ankle, pulling me towards him so that my sex was pressed against his taught stomach, my ass lifted slightly off the bed.

"I asked just one simple thing Love, don't come until I tell you to." He slid his erection against me and then in one motion he slammed into me. Filling and stretching me until I cried out. I tightened my legs around his waist, and grabbed fist full's of his duvet, trying to ground myself. His hands tightened around my ass, grabbing me to the point of painful.

"You. Think. You could. Take. The simplest. Of instructions." He mercilessly pounded into me, until I couldn't keep a single thought in my head. All that existed was the heat and friction between our bodies building and building.

"Simon…" I could feel the warmth of his orgasm filling me and that was my undoing as I came again, tightening around him not caring of Simon had allowed me to or not.

He collapsed on top of me, our bodies sweaty and sticky, our chests heaving, breathless. His head pressed against my breasts, my fingers in his sweat damp hair. He ran his tongue in the hollow between my breast, across my collarbone, until his mouth found mine kissing me gently, chaste.

"Very fun indeed. Miss Knightly."


	21. Chapter 20 - Rainbow

Simon was always on the fringe of my mind, always there. But not tonight, I wouldn't allow it. This was a beginning of something with Will. I refused to let Simon ruin another good thing in my life.

I stopped along the way and mindlessly got a box of rainbow cookies at my favorite bakery. And in a effort to kill some time and get my shit together I went next door and picked out a bottle of wine. Taking my time, milling over my choices. Trying to figure out what would taste good with pizza. I finally could delay no more, made my choice and the final push to Will's door.

I stood nervously at the side entrance of his building awkwardly holding a small but heavy bakery box and the wine. All my bravado was gone, I could feel the confidence drain from my body. I wanted to just turn around, go back to my apartment, eat all the cookies, drink all the wine and go to sleep. That is the easiest thing to do, the safest choice.

I felt like there was an arbitrary line drawn, crossing his threshold was that line. As much as I wanted to be ready, I wasn't really sure that I was. I wasn't sure if I was really... capable. I was trying to convince my feet to walk away, but before I could run, his door opened abruptly startling me, I almost dropped the wine. There he stood a shocked look on his face, his grey wool coat on but unbuttoned. He saw me and relief washed over his face and I felt all the air leave my body.

"Hey, there you are. It's almost five thirty I was getting worried. I was just about to go look for you."

"Uh, wine." I held the bottle up. "I stopped for wine." he smiled, taking the bottle, careful not to touch me.

"Amy, how long have you been standing out here?" I was busted, so totally and completely busted. It was unnerving how well he already knew me.

"Uh, well... errr... since five I guess..." I stammered out, embarrassed by my stupidity.

"Amy, sometimes you are so...silly. You know that don't you." He raised his eyebrows in jest and I knew he was teasing me, trying to ease the tension.

"Yeah. I know."

"Come on in." He took the box of cookies and stepped sideways allowing me to pass him through the door way. The line was officially crossed. I walked up the long narrow stairs to his apartment and walked in to the large space. It was not at all what I was expecting. The place was warm, the walls painted a deep camel color. Dark brown worn leather sofas and chairs, a large dark wood dining table and burlap covered chairs, hit of red scattered in the pillows an art work.

"Wow, this is a really nice place Will."

"You don't have to sound so shocked..."

"Sorry, I was just expecting you know, black leather and guy den chic."

"My sister is an interior designer, she did most of this. It was pretty much a guy den before she got her mitts on this place. We went on vacation together last year and I mentioned that I liked the hotel room, that pretty much looked like this. It took forever and she drove me crazy...But I like it now..."

"I just re-did my place last year, so I know of what you speak. It sucked but it was totally worth it..." He looked around the rook and gave a small nod.

"Um, let me take your coat." I was clutching the left hem of my wool coat, so hard that my knuckles were white. I was doing my best to remain calm and normal. But I could just feel the freak-out just bubbling slightly under the surface. I slowly unbuttoned my coat and handed it to Will, who was looking at me puzzled.

"Wow, you look really nice Amy."

"Uh, ok."

"Seriously, I have never seen you in anything but sweats and a tee shirt." I blushed like a school girl, and he smiled knowing he was embarrassing me.

"So how are you doing, I mean with everything you had to deal with this week..." His face fell slightly like he had forgotten that his father was dead and I just reminded him.

"Well, it sucked. Tracy was a mess and so was the rest of my family. My dad was that guy who just made everything better, you know. He had tons of friends and they packed the place. A few of his army friends flew in from Cali and Ohio, the stories they told..." His eyes got glassy and his voice broke just a bit, I felt this pang, deep in my chest.

"I would have liked to meet him, he sounds like an amazing man."

"He would have loved you, snarky was one of his favorite personality traits in a woman."

"Snarky? I am not snarky?"

"You're joking right?"

"Whatever, just because you have a thin skin over all that muscle does not make me snarky."

"Exhibit A." I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms against my chest. "You want some of this super expensive wine you brought over?" He held the bottle at arms length, putting on airs. I laughed at the sight of him trying to be prim and proper.

One lasting thing that I got from my time with Simon was a discerning taste when it came to wine.

"Yes please, and it was not super expensive. The bottle I really wanted to buy was super expensive... This will actually taste good with pizza."

"Was it more then ten bucks?" I shook my head yes..." Was it more then twenty?" I shook my head yes again. "Fifty?" I was getting a headache from all the head shaking. He let out a long whistle and I laughed.

"It's good you will like it, trust me." He opened the bottle with ease and pulled out two stemless wine glasses, pouring it with a faux flourish.

He dragged the glass under his nose inhaling deeply.

"I detect raspberry and chocolate." I burst out laughing, so hard my belly ached. He smiled and handed me the overly filled glass. "Should we let it breathe or something?"

"Probably but I am nervous as all hell and could use a little liquid courage."

"You're nervous? Ahhh" We clinked the glasses together. "To overpriced grapes, dead fathers and nerves of steel." We both took a sip, my eyes fixed on his waiting for his reaction to the wine.

"So..."

"Wow, I don't think I have ever had wine before this. This is what it is suppose to taste like?"

"Yup. you like?"

"Very much, thank you for bringing it." He ran his hand thru his hair and just stared at me for a moment. He then shook his head and took another sip from his glass. "I preordered the pie it should be here in a few minutes."

"Good I am starving."

* * *

Have you ever been in a moment and realized you will remember it for the rest of your life. To recognize the perfection and the beauty of it as it was happening. It was just wine and pizza and cookies but I sat back for a moment somewhere in the middle of White Christmas, Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye were in drag dancing with feathers. Will sat there laughing, as though he was watching it for the first time and he slipped his arm around me. I didn't freeze or freak, I didn't think or over think. I just leaned into him and let my body relax against his. It was the most perfect moment of my life, I felt like for once I was exactly where I was supposed to be. For the first time in five years I felt normal or as close to normal as I possible could get. I wanted to stop the hands of time and just stay there forever. Just Will and I.

He looked down at me and smiled, there was a split second where it looked like he might kiss me and the panic must have read on my face because as quickly as the moment came, thankfully it was gone. I was no where near ready to kiss or be kissed. Just the thought of it made my insides twist into knots.

"Do you want a refill?"

"Uh, yeah but I'll get it." I said nervously, trying to recover from the awkwardness.

"No, stay. I'll get it." His arm unwrapped from my body and the moment was broken, sadly time stands still for no man. I watched him walk to the kitchen and my heart dropped. "You wanna bust into this box of cookies?"

I nodded and he walked back with the wine and the box, sitting next to me only this time a little further away, uncertain. He pulled a pocket knife out of his jeans and cut thru the red and white striped twine, the scent of almonds and chocolate filling the air around us, the literal and figurative distance between us. He poured me a glass of wine, finishing the bottle in his and then scooted closer to me. His arm returned tentatively around my shoulders and he placed the box on his lap.

"These smell amazing." He popped a full cookie in his mouth and a small groan escaped from him. Will tightened his grip, urging me to once again relax against him. I lifted my feet of the floor, kicking off my loafers and tucked them up on sofa, leaning the weight of my body against him.

"This is really nice Amy."

"Yeah it really is, I am glad you called."

"Me too."

Again he gave me that look, and then he turned his attention back to the TV. I could feel this tension in his body and it kind of hit me all at once like a train. I had no business sitting here in his arms. Will was a kind, sweet, hard working man. He deserved to be with someone who had something to offer him, really offer him. I was already having all of these strong feelings for him but there was a part of me that knew I could never give him what he wanted or needed. I would never really be healed and he deserved a whole person, not the broken scraps of who I was.

I sat up quickly and slipped my shoes back on, taking Will by surprise when I stood up and announced that I was leaving.

"Wait. Why?" He put down the box of cookies and his wine glass with thud, spilling it on the stone coffee table and stood in front of me.

"Because this was a bad idea." I couldn't look him in the eye or even on his direction. I focused my attention on the thick shaggy carpets under my feet, a mix of brown and grey and cream threads, forming an irregular pattern, but a pattern none the less.

"Amy, this was not a bad idea, you just said that you were glad I called. Where is this coming from, what happened in the last thirty seconds?"

"Look Will, I am just gonna say this and leave ok. You are an amazing person, and I am so lucky that I have gotten to know you. Really. Tonight has been perfect but you deserve someone who is not going to freak out when you touch her, someone who will want to kiss you and who can...be with you..."

"Amy, wait a minute this is not about sex... what I feel for you. I mean you have to see that. I would never push you to do anything you aren't ready for.

"What if I am never ready. Ever."

"I don't believe that and I don't think you believe it either. I know you are scared and god knows you have a reason to be. I think that a year from now, things can be entirely different. I am happy to wait for that day."

"You say that now, and I believe that you believe that but what of one year turns to two or three. And I know one day you will grow tired of waiting for me and you will leave. I won't recover from that. I just... It's best that we just end this all now. Before I get hurt. Before you waste your time waiting for something that is never going to happen."

"You don't know that..."

"Will, in five years you are the only person who I have willing allowed to touch me."

"Exactly..."

"No not exactly, it was a fluke. You were in pain and I just reacted. And tonight was like I don't even know what tonight was. You wanted to kiss me right?"

"Yeah I did, I do. I always do… but I wouldn't. I won't until you want me to."

"It's not that I don't want to its that I can't… because I can't even think about kissing you without feeling... Terrified." I could feel the heat of the tears welling up in my eyes, the prickle in my nose making it hard for me to breathe. "You have no idea who I really am, what I have been through…no idea. If you really knew…

"I want to know you Amy and I want you to know me."

"Look the bottom line is, I can't. I just… I just won't. I am so sorry."

"So what then, you just want to pretend that tonight never happened? I don't think I could do that even if I wanted to… which I don't. I get that all this awful shit had happened to you, but awful shit has happened to me too. And I think that if given enough time we work through all the shit and we can be together."

"No we can't, I uh think its best that we just stop seeing each other all together."

"What?! Amy this is crazy..."

"Yes Will, I am crazy. I am completely insane." I was yelling now, tears falling from my blazing red cheeks. He reached out to touch me and I pulled away. "No don't, I am sorry, I really am but this is the right decision. I hope that you find someone that is capable... I really do. You deserve so much better then me."

I grabbed my coat, and didn't stop to put it on until I was down the stairs with his door closed behind me. I felt numb, totally and completely spent. I didn't feel the cold, or the freezing rain pounding against my face. I just slowly walked home, grateful that he didn't follow me or attempt to stop me from leaving. I walked into my apartment twenty minutes later, drenched to the bone frozen.

I had done the right thing, not just for myself but for him. It's better to end it now, before he starts to hate me. I took a hot shower, pulled on my favorite grey sweats and poured myself a large glass of bourbon. They syrupy brown liquid burned my throat and warmed my body but I was able to relax half way through the glass. My mind began to drift, thoughts of Will and Simon swirling together. Wanting to turn them off I drank the reminder of my glass in one long sip and fell into bed dizzy, drifting off to a restless night ahead. Nightmares taking over.


	22. Chapter 21 - Beep

There was a beeping and then a hum in the far off distance. Beep…Beep…Beep… My mouth was dry, my tongue felt heavy, my lips swollen but I felt no pain. I waited for a moment for the pain to come. Nothing. It was as if my head had been removed from my body and I was grateful for the reprieve. I slowly forced my eyes open and then quickly shut them, the lights too bright. I had no idea where I was and then I heard my mother say my name, once and then again and I forced my eyes to open once more, ignoring the stinging blinding light. I looked around getting my bearings; I was in the hospital and I was alive, it was not a dream.

I could feel my mother hand wrap around mine and I wanted to scream, I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I tried to swallow but couldn't. I wanted to pull my hand away but my arm felt so heavy, like it was tied to the bed with weights or still handcuffed. I looked down, my eyes still adjusting to the light and my arm was a mess of tubes and wires. My skin looked like a stained glass window, translucent with bruises in various shades of purple, blue, green and yellow.

I managed to mouth the word water, still unable to make a sound. I could feel hot tears rolling down my cheeks. My mother fluttered around the room, directing my father. I couldn't really make out what she was saying to me, my head foggy like I was listening underwater, floating, drifting away. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up, to allow myself to fall into the darkness letting it wash over me until I couldn't be seen, hidden. I didn't want to remember. I could feel the darkness coming back for me again, as I closed my eyes and everything went black.

I was in and out, people coming and going, strangers touching me. Every touch felt like I was being burned all over again, the pain so intense. Voices I didn't recognize talking about me like I was not there. I could hear my mother crying, Laurel singing to me, Jeff talking on his phone, and then a voice from the man who saved me, a man who's name I didn't even know. Just having him there made me feel safe.

I was fully awake now, my eyes open, in the safety of my hospital room. The light from the hall way filtering in to the darkness, I looked around the room frantically. I was all alone. My head was less foggy and I could feel pain in every part of my body but I was alive. My fingers on my left hand were taped and throbbing, my shoulders and neck ached from being stretched for so long. My ribs burned, even the slightest move taking my breath away. I remembered every cut and burn and I could feel them all now, the wounds tightening as they were healing. How long had I been here? I had an ache, deep inside of me I rested my hand on my belly wondering if I was still pregnant. Not ready to face the truth of that either way. Knowing that if I was, what I would have to do.

The nurse came in and saw that I was awake. She was talking about how everyone would be so happy and that I was going to be ok. She was a complete idiot. She asked if I was in pain and all I could do was nod yes. My mind still unable to make my mouth speak. The entire time Simon had held me captive I never uttered a single word. I denied him what I could and my voice was one of two things he wanted. I paid the price for my out right denial, but it was worth it. Despite all he was doing to me, I still had the power. I was able to hold one to a few small shreds of myself. Not letting him break me.


	23. Chapter 22 - Power

Ok, this is the first real glimpse of what happened durning those four days... Saying this was hard to write is a huge understatement...

* * *

"What is this?" Simon came out of my bathroom in a rage, holding the pregnancy test I had taken at Laurel's two weeks before in his hand. I had kept it in a drawer in my vanity. I was still in disbelief that it came up positive, and I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. So I stuffed it in a drawer hoping to thwart the power it wielded over me. I would look at it every so often, in moments of weakness when I wanted to call Simon and take him back. Each time trying to process the fact that a baby was growing inside of me, Simons baby. Each time I would become overwhelmed and stuff the test back into the drawer, next to my extra toothpaste and razors.

"Amy, what in the bloody hell is this?" He violently ripped the gag from my mouth, opening the split in my lip. The hot salty taste of my blood, turning my empty stomach. I looked at him defiantly and stretched out my jaw and then tuned my head to face the windows. Blocking him out, he would not break me. Not even the sight of that maligned stick could do it.

"Answer me!" He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. I closed my eyes, and began the process of counting, my only defense to Simon's endless treachery. His fingers delicately trailed over my belly, and then they pressed down hard, pain shooting through me. I began to panic, the baby!

"Answer me Love... I want to hear you say it. Is this why you left me? IS IT?" I gritted my teeth as he pushed down harder with all his body weight, his hand in a fist now, knuckles pressed just below my belly button. The pressure was building and building as I held my breath, my muscles failing me. He finally stood and the pressure was released, I exhaled slowly as he walked away.

I could hear him rifling through my bathroom cabinet looking for something. I used his absence as a chance to regroup, it took a few measured breaths. He found the freaking test. The one secret I had from him and now he knew. He returned a moment later with my curling iron in his hand. Plugging it in, I knew what he was thinking. I knew what was about to happen. I closed my eyes and clenched my body waiting for the searing pain the smell of burning flesh that was about to come.

"If this is how you want it Amy..."


	24. Chapter 23 - Haunting

Ok, so i just wanted to express how happy I am that the response to this story has been so positive. I get that it is not your typical Fifty FF but I am so thrilled that you all are enjoying it. Thank you for the follows and reviews.I am hoping the more reviews I get the more readers I will draw so please keep it up...

I have also gotten some personal PM's and I am humbled my the strength of women. Truly. I myself have never been a victim of the subject matter I am writing about so I am really releived that you feel I am doing Amy's feelings and emotions justice. Thank you again...

These next chapters are smaller, they are glimpses to keep the story moving... I hope you enjoy...

* * *

The new year came and went, it had been well over a month since I walked out on Will. He had called twice and I just texted him not to call me anymore. I was a coward, but I still felt like I was doing the right thing. I missed him, terribly. Dalton had a field day with what happened, saying that I was running from a good thing because I was scared. Projecting my experiences with Simon on to Will to sabotage my chances of being happy. I was actively preventing myself from healing. I cut my sessions back down to once a week, not wanting to hear his crap any longer then I had to.

I felt my self pulling away again and I couldn't care less. Long days spent in a chair pretending to read, a glass or four of wine never out of reach. I had made no attempts to even speak to my parents, just sending them a daily text that I was fine. I didn't want to admit it but I was heartbroken and I had no one to blame but myself.

My anger for Simon was at an all time high. I had just gotten a letter that his release request was denied and that it would be revisited in twelve months time. I felt a huge sense of relief. I had another year, but deep down I knew it would be my last. Six years was the minimum "sentence" he was given at the institute. Dino called to relay the info the letter had already told me. He kept a very close eye on anything relating to Simons release. He also gave me some crap about not taking lessons from Will anymore, clueless to the reality of the situation. I stopped returning his calls too, not wanting to deal.

I was back in my cocoon, wrapped up in the odd safety and comfort of my daydreams and bad memories.

The days blending into one another, an endless stream of numbness and nothing. Waking up each morning with the hint of a hangover, forcing myself out of bed into the cold morning air to run. It was the only time my mind would go blank, the haunting tone of Will's voice in my head. I would run the track at the park daily, pretending that I was on the treadmill in his studio, his voice urging me on. It was the one and only thing keeping me moderately sane.


	25. Chapter 24 - Darkness

A small glimpse into the mind of Simon... these will pop up now from time to time and will always be titled Darkness.

* * *

So they planned to keep me here for another year. One fist fight with a crazy person and they deemed me unfit for early release. The anger built in my chest, these fucking idiots thinking they had power over me. Meanwhile I had been playing them this entire time. I had already convinced them I was crazy, to avoid jail and now I have to convince them of my sanity. Laughable. Droning on, day after day hour after hour to my "therapist" could make any man insane. Like rehashing two weeks when I was fifteen over and over again would magically make those memories go away. Just grin and bare it, three hundred and sixty five days more of this and I will be free. Another long year until I could see her again. I made her a promise after all…


	26. Chapter 25 - Potatoes

"Hello?" I grabbed at my phone, not looking before I answered. My blood alcohol content messing with my judgment.

"Hi Amy." I froze at the sound of the voice on the other end of the line, the sound of the familiar British accent knocking me sober in an instant.

"Helene…hello."

"I just wanted to make sure that you heard about the hearing."

"Yes I did. Thank you."

"How are you?"

"Uh, fine. I mean, relieved."

"Yes, so am I." Her voice was so sad, so lost. "Father was pleased as well. He asked about you." Miles and the family had turned their backs on Simon when he was arrested. What he had done, destroyed not only my life but Archer Global as well. The company was sold off in bits and pieces, hundreds of millions and hundreds of jobs lost.

"How is Miles doing?"

"He is good considering. They did a bypass last month and he made it through. Mother is a mess, but she has always had a flair for drama."

"Send them both my best ok Helene."

"Yes of course. Well I won't keep you, if you need anything please call."

"Sure, and thank you for you know, calling."

"Good bye Amy."

I hung up the phone and felt numb. During my time with Simon, Helene and I had become close. She was the big sister that I never had. She also was one of the only people who knew how moody Simon could get and she was always there for me. My mother told me that she was at his trial everyday, sitting just behind my parents, comforting them when it was needed. I missed her but she looked and sounded to much like him. Those glacier blue eyes, the shiny dark hair. I just couldn't be around her ever again.

I drank a glass of wine in one long gulp, wrapped the blanket tightly around me and fell off to sleep.

* * *

I woke up on my sofa, head throbbing, my body aching. I had no clue what time it was, only that I fell asleep in sun and now it was dark. I could hear the wind whipping against my window and I felt the chill. There an empty bottle of wine on the floor, and my empty stomach churning because of it. For a short month February felt so long. I was so over the winter, the snow, the wind and the damp. I wanted to feel the hot sun on my face, to walk around the neighborhood freely.

I eased myself off the sofa, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that hung over my fireplace. I looked like the wreck of the Hespus. My hair was a matted mess, a series of pimples spotting my jaw line, and I was hung over at eight in the evening. This was getting bad and I was an active and aware participant. Again Dalton's words drumming in my head.

I had skipped my last two appointments with Dalton, and dodged his phone calls. He was losing patience with me I could tell. He saw a light at the end of the tunnel for me and now the tunnel was dark once again. Everything just stopped. All the progress, all the work slipping away and I felt myself sliding backwards. To have hope, and then to realize that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want it. Nothing is ever going to change. It is worse then no hope at all. I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye when he told me he was worried.

This final session, there was no note taking, no snarky questions; Just Dalton, with his glasses off, concern in his eyes telling me he was worried, and that I should be coming in more not less. He and I had been through a lot together, he was the one person who really knew almost everything that had happened to me. The one person I looked to for help and now I was shutting him out too.

I managed to drag myself in the shower, and stayed there for as long as I could, grateful I listened to my father and chose an instant hot water heater during the renovations. I was hungry and didn't feel like cooking, Greek food was on my mind, something fried and bad for me. Something to absorb the alcohol in my belly. I dressed quickly in jeans and a chunky wool sweater. I was too hung over to drive. I could have could have just ordered a pizza but I needed air and space, I needed to exert a small amount of energy. I put on my puffy ski jacket and boots and made the patronage for falafel, hummus and these fucking amazing fried potatoes.

The cold air hit me like a hammer but it actually improved my mood slightly and helped clear my aching head. I could smell a fireplace or three burning in the distance. God, I loved where I grew up, it was a perfect place really. Everything not more then a ten minute walk away. The town surrounding a huge park at its center, bringing the community together, fireworks in the summer, sleigh riding in the winter. As a kid I always felt safe, wandering around on my own. Taking my bike and my backpack full of markers and drawing paper. I would stop at the deli on the corner, order a turkey hero and spend the entire day sitting in the long grass by the baseball field drawing and day dreaming. Even now, it the cold night, after all that I had been through I still felt safe walking on my own.

* * *

The place was crowded which took me by surprise, I assumed the weather would have kept people away. I ordered my food and stood off in the corner, as far away from the growing line as possible, while still maintaining my place. My coat was not conducive to twisting so, I chewed in inside of my lower lip instead, another nervous habit I developed. _Breathe, relax, breathe, relax. _I just kept repeating over and over in my head, willing people not to touch me.

I was waiting in line to pay when I heard his familiar soothing voice coming from behind me, I fought the urge to turn around. I could not see him, not like this. Not ever, I wouldn't have the will to leave him again. He was laughing and talking in a muffled tone, he was obviously not alone. It was killing me not knowing who he was with. I kept my Mets cap pulled down and tried to keep my focus on the Yankee jacket in front of me, counting the stitches in the emblem, thinking about how much I hated the Yankees was a great distraction. As long as he didn't see me I would be fine, as long as I didn't see him I would be fine.

Things were going to plan right up until, the guy behind the counter shouted out my name holding up my greasy bag of food.

"Amy K, to go!" I froze, not wanting to move until I finally had no choice but to move away from the small crowd and retrieve my order.

"Amy?" Fucccccccck, no! His voice was right behind me, I could smell the faint scent of his cologne. I turned slowly, my head slowly rising until my eyes met his.

"Uh, hey Will." There was a smile on his face but sadness in his eyes. I could feel a lump forming in my throat, as any hunger I might have had faded away. He looked so good, his hair was longer and he was unshaven, his leather coat stretching over his broad shoulders. _Act normal, don't freak out. Breathe… in and out… _

"Hey...What are you doing here?" I awkwardly held my greasy bag up, and he nodded. "Yeah me too. I have been coming here a lot. You were right the potatoes here are fantastic." I smiled and nodded, unable to really speak. My eyes wandered to the man standing to Will's left. I cant express in words the relief I felt that it was a man and not a woman.

"Uh… Amy this is my sister's husband Charlie. Charlie this is Amy." He lifted his hand to shake mine and Will shot him a look and his quickly put his hand down.

"It's nice to meet you Amy." Charlie looked at me, his smile tight like he knew me, like Will had filled him in. There is that pity look that I hate. _Damn it. Just damn it all to hell. _

"White order to go!" _Thank God, an excuse to leave._

"It's nice to meet you too Charlie, uh…your food is ready. So I gotta go, mine is getting cold and there is nothing worse the cold falafel. So uh, bye." A look of panic spread across Will's face as I ordered my feet to move, and I walked passed Will quickly not allowing myself to look at him.

"Amy, wait!" I ignored his request, carefully weaving my way thru the crowd, a man bumping into me right as I got to the door. My entire body rattled at the impact, and everything went blank after that. I vaguely remember tossing my bad of food into the trash, and walking home, counting the entire way there. _61...62...63...64...65..._

I took the long way, weaving thru the streets I used to ride my bike on as a child. I felt lost, even thought I knew exactly where I was. I couldn't do this anymore. I just couldn't. I was just so tired, so lonely, so lost. Was this the life I fought so hard to keep? _…191...192...193...194..._


	27. Chapter 26 - Us

I finally made it to my block, and Will was there. His truck parked in front of my house. Waiting for me, deep down I knew he would be. I wanted him to be there, I needed him to be there. Tears were in my eyes before I was even within ten feet of him.

"Hi." He shoved his bare hands in his pockets, his coat not really warm enough for the weather.

"Hello again." I pressed my lips together tightly, inhaling deeply thru my nostrils trying to keep my shit together. He cocked his head to one side, and just stared at me. It was unnerving but I was so happy to see him.

"Are you ok?" I nodded. He was not convinced and took a step closer to me. "I don't think you are, I know I am not." I couldn't bring myself to speak, afraid of what would come out of my mouth. That I missed him, that I was sorry. That I loved him. That was the loop playing over and over in my head.

I miss you… I love you… I am sorry…

"You know I have been trying to be a good guy, not wanting to push to or chase you. Not wanting to do anything to make you feel trapped or scared. So I have been waiting, holding on to the hope that you will change your mind. Every fucking time the door to the studio opens I look up hoping it is you… but it never is Amy, it never is. And then tonight I was sitting in my place with my family, wising you were there with me...Wishing I was different, wishing you were different… But then not because if we were different then we would be us... I love you Amy, I don't know why I do or how I do. But I do. I want to be with you, in any way that I can. And I know you're a mess, and I get it because I have been that mess. But I know that being with me is good for you, I can fix you. I am meant to fix you. You just have to let me."

He loved me. God I hated that word, Love. It made me think of things I longed to forget. Love…

"Will I have to be able to fix myself. That's really what all this is about. I just can't. I don't know how…" He took a step closer to me, and wrapped his arms around me, I relaxed against him. He didn't wait for my permission he just did it, knowing it was what we both needed. I tightened my arms around his waist, wanting him closer. My head resting in the crook of his shoulder, his hand gently stroking the back of my head.

"I love you too." I finally said it out loud to the person that mattered. "I just can't understand why you love me." I tried to pull away but Will just held me closer, pressing his lips to my forehead.

"I just do...Amy... I just do. I need you just as much as you need me." I shiver ran through me, he was right I needed him. These months with out him I was lost, completely lost.

"You should go inside, you are freezing…Can I call you?" I nodded yes, not sure if I was making the right decision. He finally released me, giving my hand a squeeze. "Go, I will call you tomorrow."

I walked up the path to my door, feeling his eyes on me every step of the way.


	28. Chapter 27 - Dresses

Ok guys this is a longggggg chapter... but you get a lot in it... I am trying to show the many sides of Simon Archer...Over 18...

* * *

I remember the first time Simon told me that he loved me. We had been dating for just barely a month, I hadn't seen the inside of my apartment in two weeks, we were completely wrapped up in each other. It was an amazing time in my life, I was working hard and earning the respect of the naysayer's. I had this wonderful man in my life, sure there were bumps and blips but all relationships have their issues. I remember my parents fighting when I was a child, people who love each other argue; it can't be helped. The good about Simon far out weighted the bad. When I was with him I felt like I was becoming the person I was supposed to be.

Gone were the days of second hand shopping, clothing would arrive for me daily. Gone were the days of ramen noodles and salads out of a bag, even take out with Simon was four star. Long gone were the days of smelly subways and cabs, a driver was hired just for me. I would have these moments where I would be sitting in a town car, in an Armani suit, Simon at my side, on the way to a fancy place where we would eat small plates of perfect food and drink five hundred bottles of wine like they were Poland spring and I could not believe that this was my life. The life that Simon had given to me.

* * *

"You look nervous Love, relax." We were stuck in Friday night traffic, on my way to meet Simon's family for the first time. It was his Father's birthday, and while I worked for his company our paths had never really crossed.

"I am about to meet your parents Simon of course I am nervous."

"They are going to love you." He tightened his grip around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I was still pissed at him, but I knew there was not point in re-hashing the argument now, were already late.

"You don't know that for sure."

"They are going to love you because I love you." He looked at me dead in my eye as he said it. Simon loved me, I felt like he had just given me the world. "You know that don't you? I love you."

"I love you too, when you are not being a jerk that is." He laughed and kissed me gently, carefully not to muss my painstakingly applied red lipstick that he requested I wear. Actually he ordered me to wear, we had just gotten into a fight about what I was going to wear tonight.

"I think you love me more when I am being a jerk..." He sat back smugly, running his finger along my in inside of my wrist, tracing the line of my veins.

"I think you are so very wrong about that."

* * *

We got to the party late, but luckily it went unnoticed. The huge three floor penthouse apartment was filled with people in tuxes and gowns milling around drinking champagne. To say the place was ornate was an understatement. The fifteen foot ceilings, capped with detailed gilded moldings, the walls painted a deep burgundy, a pricey art collection displayed from one wall to the next. The luxe sofas, in a rich brown velvet adorned with red and gold pillows. It was overwhelming to say the least. I felt like I had walked on to a movie set.

"You grew up here?" I looked around the room, my eyes filled with wonder. Simon nodded sadly, this was not a place where kids could be kids. This was a place where rules were abided and hell was paid.

"That I did, you should see the place in London, it's even more stuffy and awful then this."

"I can't even imagine. Now I get why your apartment is so... stark." It was white, black, grey, metal and glass. Terrazzo floors, grey leather sofas, even the artwork was cold, distorted abstract black and white nude photography. Despite the lack of color it still managed to become home to me. I even was allowed to make some changes to his bedroom.

"Stark? Yeah I guess it is. I detest having so much stuff around me. Come, mother has caught us in her sights." He lead me across the room, his hand linked in mine, pulling me through the crowd.

"Mother." He leaned in and kissed her gently on the cheek. "This is Amelia." She looked at me from the top of my head to the tip of my shoe. I was wearing a long cranberry red sleeved dress with an open back, and a high neck, Simon had chosen it for the occasion, calling it covered up but sexy. The shoes were black Jimmy Choo's and the just barely peeked out from beyond the dress. My hair was twisted in a bun and showed off ruby and diamond earrings that were a gift.

"Hello dear, it's a pleasure to finally meet you. Simon has told us all about you."

"It's nice to me you as well Mrs. Archer." She was stunning, nearly perfect. Short glossy brown hair with a broad streak of silver grey swooping through it. Simon told me that she used to be a model when she was younger and I could see why. She was awe inspiring. Her black and emerald green dress shimmered under the lights and she was adorned with large gold and emerald earrings.

"Please call me Bea." I nodded, self conscious. I was happy that Simon convinced me to wear this dress and not the black one I had planned. I hated when we argued and he ended up being right.

"Amelia Love, this is my baby sister Helene." Why was he calling me Amelia all of a sudden?

"Hello, Amelia, I love that dress. Simon has the best taste does he not?" I was not sure but her comment felt like a dig. Helene was one of those women who excluded girls like me. Born with a platinum spoon she had never wanted for a thing. She towered over me by a good four inches and her long black hair was in perfect flowing waves down her back. Her dress was vintage Donna Karen, it hung off her slim but toned frame like it was made for her. She wore no jewelry. Minimal just like Simon.

"Actually, Amy picked the dress out, but I do have wonderful taste." He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Where is father, this is his night after all."

"He is out on the balcony with a few friends and a box of cigars."

"It's cold out there no?" It was just barely April but the nights were still cool and there was still snow smattered around the city from a storm we had a few weeks before.

"Yes dear but we have heaters out there. I don't allow smoking of any kind in my house, the balcony is the compromise."

"By compromise she means that Father does what she wants." Helene added playfully, Simon laughed and ran his hand down my bare back sending a chill though me.

"Really Helene, was that necessary?" Bea was feigning aggravation, putting in a little show for me.

"Yes mother apparently it was. Amelia would you like to join me, I think I am going to head into the library. We have a harpist playing in there."

"That would be lovely thank you." I shot Simon an OMG look and he just smiled and waved me away.

* * *

"So you and my brother seem very serious." Helene linked her arm in mine leading me to their expansive library. It was an astonishing room. Floor to ceiling mahogany shelves, lined with rows and rows of books. One was fitted with doors and kept under lock and key. I would later find out, that is where they kept their collection first editions.

"Yes, I think we are." I was still not sure if she was friend or foe but I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt for Simons sake.

"You're not like the usual girls he brings home to meet the family."

"Excuse me?" My brows shot up, foe totally a foe. _Usual girls?_

"You know, gold diggers and such. You seem like a sweet regular girl playing dress up. It's refreshing, I see why he is with you. You were an intern at the company correct."

"Yes."

"And Simon plucked you out of obscurity, gave you a job and a place in his life. I could see how you would get caught up. But let me give you some advice. Be careful with my brother."

"I would never do anything to hurt Simon."

"That's not what I meant. Be careful he does not hurt you."

* * *

Before I could respond, and even absorb what had just happened a deep voice was calling out Helene's name, and I recognized him immediately. Miles Archer. He was every bit as good looking as his son, tall and lean, his black hair was spotted with grey and his eyes were an odd shade of reddish golden green. Boy George now in my head…_If your colors were like my dreams… red golden greens…Everyday is like survival… _

He was all long legs and broad shoulders, born to wear a tux. He carried him self with such power that the seas parted as he made his way towards us.

"There you are Helene." He gave his daughter a small kiss and I could tell immediately that they were close, kindred spirits of sorts.

"Dad have you met Amelia yet?" She wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me into their circle.

"Ah, the illustrious Miss Knightly. Yes of course, I have seen you in the office but we have yet to formally meet." He placed his hand on my bare back and kissed me on the cheek. I could smell a hit of cigar and the cold city air still clinging to him. "So you are the girl who has captured our Simon."

"I don't know if I have captured him, but..."

"Ahhh let us see about that. Come."

He lead me up a wide spiral staircase out to the main room, where the party was in full swing. Simon caught my eye as we entered, Helene in tow. He was talking to some blonde, too closely for my comfort.

"You look like a good dancer, Amelia." Before I could protest Miles took me into his arms and gracefully moved me along the dance floor. I couldn't help but smile and laugh. I had never really danced with man like this before.

"How do you like working at Archer, is it everything you thought it would be?"

"Yes, it really is."

"Good. I remember your internship application. I personally chose you because of your language skills." I flushed, Miles Archer had seen my application and had chosen me!

"Sir I had no idea thank you."

"Your not the usual sort we choose. You went to NYU, tens of thousands in loans to pay… No connections to speak of... Your dad is a cop… no a post man correct." I nodded shocked that he knew this much about me. "But I am happy to see my instincts about you were correct. From the reports I have received you are doing quite well." Reports?

"Do you get reports on all the interns?"

"No dear, just the ones sleeping with my son." My mouth slacked, shock was not enough of a word to describe what I was feeling.

"Sir, I assure you that I had no intention on having a relationship with Simon, it just happened… Wait just the ones? Have there been others before me?" He chuckled knowingly and a felt a pang in my chest. Was I just a number, another one of Simons passing flings. No that couldn't be, he just told me that he loved me.

"You misunderstand Amelia, you have been good for him. He seems happy and focused. His is really working wonders with this take over. I honestly never thought I would see the day. Keep up the good work."

"Mr. Archer..."

"Please call me Miles. Mr. Archer is my father."

"In that case please call me Amy, Amelia was my grandmother. Miles, with all due respect. Our relationship has very little to do with Simon's success on this project. He is a brilliant man, like his father I would suspect."

"Actually he is more like his mother, Helene is more like me. Funny how that worked out."

"May I cut in?" Simon was standing to my left his hand on my waist below his fathers hand.

"Yes of course. See Amy… captured. I will see you both at dinner." He gave his son a curt nod and Simon glared at him.

I could feel the tension in Simons body when he took me in his arms a little more forcefully then necessary. His jaw was tight and his eyes looked wild, angry.

"Simon, what's wrong?"

"You two look quite chummy..." The sarcasm dripped from his voice. I hated when he got like this. It was like a shade of darkness came over him and no light was able to get through.

"We were dancing at your father's request. He is just like I imagined him to be. Like you only older and more arrogant." I was trying to joke and lighten the leaden mood. Simon was not having that.

"Oh, so this is the first time you have met..."

"Simon of course it is ,what are you implying?"

"Are you working with my father?"

"Um, yes I work for Archer Global."

"Don't be coy Amy..." His nails dug into my back, but there was no room for me to move away from him, I was trapped in a room full of strangers.

"Oh it's Amy now, not Amelia?" My last nerve was being danced on, I was done dealing with Simon's shit.

"Answer the question! Are you working with my father, against me?"

"Against you?! Simon you are sounding crazy right now. No I am not working for your father AGAINST YOU!" I pulled away, and stormed off the dance floor, sure I was drawing unwanted attention to myself.

I could not believe what Simon was asking me, insinuating that I was some kind of mole. An hour ago he was telling me that he loved me and now he was telling me he didn't trust me. My mind racing from all the pin pricks my bubble had endured this evening.

First Helene's warnings, then Miles and his thinly veiled insinuations and now Simon in full on paranoia mode. I made my way down the stairs and I could hear Simon's foot falls behind me.

"Amy, just wait." I kept moving forward, faster thru the thinning crowd. God this house was a labyrinth. I finally made it to the balcony doors, pushing them open with both hands. The cold air freezing the tears on my face, grateful the balcony was empty. I closed them behind me and took a deep breath, the air hurting my lungs. I looked out over the city, so high up it looked like a calm and peaceful place. The lights and the faint hum of activity down below.

"Amy, there you are Jesus."

"What Simon? WHAT?!" I grasped the cold rail, steadying my self against it. He stood behind me, pressing his body against my backside, his warm hands on top of mine.

"I am sorry. So very sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Of course you don't work for my father. He just makes me so..."

"Crazy?"

"Yes... crazy."

"Well my parents make me crazy too and that is no excuse to be an accusatory asshole."

"You're right. But you don't hate your parents... I hate my father..."

"Why, why do you hate him?"

"It's a long story for another night Love." He kissed the back of my neck, running the tips of his fingers down my back. Distracting me. "You look perfect tonight. Absolutely perfect."

"Simon don't, seriously." He was grinding against me now, ever so softly. My desire for him growing as my anger and hurt feelings diminished, the tension from our earlier fight still lingering "I am still mad at you."

"No you're not, you realize now that I was right about the dress."

"I realized no such thing. I want you to leave me alone."

"You want me to fuck you." He whispered into my ear, his teeth grazing my lobe. He was right, as usual. I pressed my rear end against him, as his hands cupped my breasts thru the fabric of my dress, making me moan. "See, tell me I am right."

I ignored his request and he grabbed my breast with force sending a chill right to my already throbbing core.

"Tell me." He commanded, in that voice that made me want him and fear him with equal measure.

"You're right." That was all he needed he to hear, as he lifted up the back end of my dress, tearing away the thin fabric of my panties, bending me forward ever so slightly.

"Simon, we can't do this here..." He pushed into me, and I came just from the single thrust.

"My my Amy." He moved slowly, very slowly. Anyone who might happen by would not really know what was happening between us. It just looked as though Simon was holding me as we enjoyed the view of the city that stretched out before us. His arm tightened around me, his other arm, tense on the railing holding our combined weight. I felt euphoric, my mind completely detached from my body. No thoughts, no words, just pleasure. Things intensified, I was bent over now, no care to who could possible see us. Both of my hands grasping the railing as Simon, quickened his speed and force inside of me. I couldn't control the noises I was making and his hand found it way over my mouth, masking the sounds slightly. I bit at his fingers, hard but he did not remove them.

"Fuck Amy." He came, grunting into my hair, I quickly followed, biting down on his thumb. He stilled, no energy left. His stubbled cheek resting in my bare back. Our breathing was ragged, our bodies sweaty.

"God I love you Amy… Only you can do this to me…" His voice was ragged and haunted.

" I love you too. I love you too…" He trailed soft kisses down my back, whispering words I could not hear.

"Simon, we can't go back to the party like this."

"No, that we can not." He pulled out of me slowly, rubbed my bare ass gently and then lowered my dress. I stood, easing the pain out of my back as he fixed his pants. "Come, follow me."

We snuck back into the house and he lead me in a small hallway to a large powder room, locking the door behind us. He pushed me against the door and kissed me, taking over my mouth. My red lipstick smeared on his face. He then slipped my dress off my shoulders and carefully pulled it down my body, leaving me standing in front of him naked.

"I am a very, very lucky man." He walked to the sink, and wet a wash cloth with warm water. Gently, he ran it down my arms, over my clavicle and breasts, finally tending to areas in most need of attention. "See good as new Love and your dress won't even tell the tale." I stepped back into the dress and he pulled it up over me, kissed each of my breasts before they were covered in the luxurious red fabric.

"What about you?" First wiped off his mouth with my thumb and forefinger, removing any trace of the tell tail red and our indiscretion. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and reapplied my lipstick and fixed my hair as best as I could. Freshly fucked but hopefully no one would be the wiser.

"Me? I like having you on me. Come, we will miss dinner if we don't hurry."


	29. Chapter 28 - Slap

Hello All! I just wanted to give a HUGE shout out to SmileRose for her lovely reviews but for sharing my story with her readers...Thank you Thank you! Also to all of you that have been reading and reviewing, it has really been pushing me to write more because I know that getting chapters sooner then later rocks... I read a bunch of stories on here too... So please keep it up and I promis to try and post as often as possible...

I also wanted to throw something out there. Not a shock, but everyone on is hating in Simon... but take away a few chapters(the epiolgue,the one when his burns her belly) and Simon and Christain are not so different. If I was telling this story in order we would all be hot for Simon... There is more to come from his POV, and later we will find out where his darkness came from...

Music for the last few days: Love the way you lie/Rihanna - White Blank Page/Mumford and Sons ( this was a song I used when writing for Simon, lyrics are kind of spot on) and Jar of Hearts/ Christina Perri

Ok here it goes... Things are about to take a turn...

* * *

I walked into my apartment and found my mother standing there breathless, a mix of anger and confusion on her face. She never came into my space, it was strange having her there. Like she was some how invading my safe, my sanctuary place with her presence. I was not in the mood to deal with her, I was still reeling from what just happened with Will. Thinking about my phone ringing tomorrow. I just wanted to go to sleep so tomorrow would come. But there was something wrong, amiss. She looked upset, sad and worried.

"Hey Ma…Are you ok?"

"No they most certainly are not." She glared at me, her arms crossed against her chest.

"What happened?"

"Who was that man Amelia?" My heart dropped in to my stomach, and I couldn't catch my breath. I stood there silent like a deer in the headlights. "Answer me! Who was that man and why was he kissing you?"

"He was not kissing me ma."

"He was holding you. You let him touch you. Who was he?" I walked past her to my kitchen, and threw my jacket over the stool, thinking of how to handle this.

"Mom this is none of your business, none." Denial, why not it had working for me so well in the past. Why mess with a good thing.

"None of my business! I have not been able to hug you for five years and now I see this stranger touching you. I am heart broken Amelia."

"My name is AMY! And this is not about you and your heart mother. This is about me, ME!"

"Yes I am aware is it always about you Amy, always. I have sat back and given you what you asked for, what you said you needed. But this… you hiding this relationship from me. After all that has happened. All the things you hid from me about Simon."

"Don't you dare say his name to me, you loved Simon Ma, you loved him. He dazzled you just like he dazzled me."

"Yes you're right he did! And look what happened to you because of it. Look how he ruined you, destroyed you and I passively let it happen! Why, because he had a perfect smile and a huge bank account. I am not going to let that happen again now tell me who is this man?" We were standing mere inches apart, this is the closet I had let her get to me in years.

"I am not ruined…the Amelia you used to know may be long gone. But I am not ruined. I was raped, and beaten and tortured. I am crazy and sad and lonely. I am broken but I am not… I am NOT destroyed… I am here fighting… you know what never mind… I don't have to explain myself to you or to anyone!"

"Yes you do! Look atwhat you let Simon do to you, you are just a child."

"What I let him do to me… wow Ma…wow."

"I mean before… he changed you, so easily…You bend and change depending on who you are with… When you were with Phil you loved science and skiing, then Owen was baseball and camping. Simon was dinner parties and kinky sex apparently. Now this man what will he turn you into?"

"What do you want from me! What! Don't you think I know all of this, don't you think Dalton and I have spent hours talking about this. I know… I KNOW! What do you want from me?!

"I want to be able to hold my daughter, to laugh with her. I want Amelia back!"

"SHE'S DEAD MA! DEAD AND GONE! And apparently she sucked so good riddance! You need to stop this, stop waiting for her to come back because she's not and I don't want her too."

This was only the beginning, the calm before the argument took a turn. Five long years of pent up feelings on both our sides reaching a fever pitch, we were both yelling and screaming. Awful things falling from our mouths, some words cutting deeper than others. And then it happened as if in slow motion, her hand swung back, slapping me across the face. The sound of her hand hitting my cheek echoing through my apartment. The stinging pain, shocking me; My face burning and red, tears welling up in my eyes. My mothers hands quickly covering her mouth, shocked at what she had just done, maybe even more then I was.

"Amy… I… I…" I turned and ran out of my apartment, slamming the door behind me.

* * *

I was banging on his door, hoping his family was gone. Not wanting anyone to see me like this. I don't remember the walk to his apartment, how I got there I will never know. I could hear his heavy foot steps pounding down the stairs and then the door flew open. I threw my body at his, his thick arms wrapping around me pulling me into his door, kicking it closed behind us.

"Amy, what happened?" I couldn't respond, I just sobbed against his chest. We stood at the base of the narrow stairwell for a while, his back flat against the wall and my body flat against his. When I was in his arms, I couldn't panic, I could just feel what I was feeling. Allow it to work through me but not take me over. His warm hands, pressed against my frozen cheeks, and I exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Come up stairs, baby I will make you something hot to drink. You are frozen." I nodded and he walked up the stairs behind me, his hands on my waist keeping me steady. I felt weak and drained, totally depleted. I sank into one of his large sofas, he sat across from me on the stone coffee table unlacing and removing my boots; wrapping me up in a fleece blanket.

"Hot chocolate?" He looked down at me, I gave him a weak smile as I nodded yes. I still hadn't said a single word. He went to work in the kitchen, boiling the milk and opening the Swiss Miss packet, emptying it into a thick glass mug. "Marshmallows?" I wrinkled my nose. "No marshmallows. How bout Redi-whip?"

I nodded in agreement and he smiled once again. "A girl after my own heart. Redi-whip it is."

He handed me the hot cup and I wrapped my cold fingers around it. "Thank you Will."

"Ahhh she speaks." He sat next to me on the sofa, his body turned to mine, a cup of hot chocolate of his own. He took a sip, urging me to do the same.

"This is really good, thank you again." We sat in silence, until both our cups were empty and sitting on the coffee table.

"Are you calmed down now?"

"Yes." I wasn't really sure if I was, but I was going to try and fake it.

"Ok, tell me what happened?"

"My mom and I got into a fight. She saw us outside. She saw you holding me and freaked out. She said awful things, I said awful things… and then she… she slapped me.' My voice cracked as my throat tightened. "My mother hasn't touched me in years and the first time she does it was a slap." He lifted his hand to my cheek, somehow he knew which one it was and gently brushed his fingers across it, a frown on his face.

"You have a bruise…Amy, I am sure she didn't mean it…"

"I know… but things between us have been awful for years now… and it all came to a head… and now I don't know what to do…" I leaned back against the sofa and yawned.

"You're gonna get some rest. That's what you are going to do. We can talk about it in the morning. Baby you look exhausted." He ran his hand over my hair once and the again before he stood and I followed.

He lead me to his bedroom, and riffled through the drawers pulling out a sweatshirt and sweatpants. "Here, these are going to be big but the are warm and dry. Get changed and get in to bed. Ok? I am going to be in the living room if you need me."

"Will I can sleep on the sofa…"

"Yeah like I would let that happen." He kissed me on my forehead gently and brushed his hand over my cheek once again. "Get some rest, it will all look better in the morning."

* * *

I woke up with a start in unfamiliar surroundings, panicked. The room was so dark, so devoid of light I couldn't get my bearings. I swung my feet around, they hit the cold floor with a thud. Will's bed was lower then mine. I took several deep breaths, trying to steady myself. Telling myself that it was only a dream. I pulled at the neck of the sweatshirt, trying to get some cool air to my skin.

My dream always started the same, that fateful day when we got back from London; standing in the bathroom Simon behind me in the mirror. Sometimes he listens to me when I tell him no, kisses me softly and we peacefully fall into bed together. I tell him that I think I might be pregnant and he is happy, we are happy. From this version of the dream I would wake up sad, confused, missing him and hating myself. But there are other nights where I would dream of him raping me, the sound of running water behind me and the cold fake smell of winter mint toothpaste. His hand around my throat, his body pressing into mine. Hovering over us, watching, wishing I could disappear.

On those horrible nights I would wake up feeling lost, angry and worst of all powerless. My body trembled, it had been a long overwhelming day. Talking to Helene always left me unstable, then running into Will and fighting with my mother. It was no wonder I was a mess, the dreams were always the worst when I was in a weakened state.

I crept out of his room the door creaking. Will was stretched out on the sofa, the street lights illuminating the edges of his body. His eyes opened, like he sensed my presence and without a moments hesitation he opened his blanket to me. I slid next to him, his back to my front as he brought the blanket back around us; his arm resting around my waist, my fingers knotting with his.

"You are shaking. Talk to me Amy…" Somehow the darkness and my inability to see his face made it easier.

"Simon raped me…" Will's body stilled as I said those words, his grip around my hand tightening. "Before we broke up. It was the reason I left him in the first place. Sometimes I dream about it. Sometimes I wake up and I still think he is there. And I always hear him in my head." I pulled his arm tighter around me, I could feel his breath on my hair.

"He can't hurt you anymore."

"I know… but he can. He does. He will."

"Not while I am here Amy."


	30. Chapter 29 - Salvation

"That son of a bitch! That mother fucking son of a bitch." Jeff was ranting, as he inspected the bruises on my wrist and neck. Jeff was an animal, a fact that he would proudly own up to. He was brash and loud, standing over six feet he was built like a brick wall. He was loyal and protective, fair and honest. His quick temper made fast to the fight, kick ass now ask questions later kind of guy. No one who knew Jeff messed with him. He was like my own personal body guard in high school. Jeff disliked Simon on sight, and the feeling was mutual and now Jeff had a real reason to hate him. "I am going to fucking kill that smug cock-sucker!"

"Jeff you are so not helping right now. Did you get the test or not?" Laurel ripped the brown paper bag out of his hand and smirked as she peeked inside. "You bought three huh… not your first time at the rodeo I see?"

"Ha ha, fuck you Laurel."

"Not in a million years."

"Could you guys cut the obvious attempt to mask your ever growing attraction to one another and give me the god dammed bag." This is how it always was between the three of us, yelling, cursing, fighting. It was the best. I never had to filter myself, or worry what they thought of me. I never had to hide who I was. I was in the midst of one of the worst moments of my life and I knew because they were with me everything was going to be ok.

"Hey it's not our fault your life has turned in to a Lifetime movie kiddo."

"See this is why I didn't want you to call him. Even now… he can't help but tease me…EVEN NOW!" I took the boxes out of the bag, rolled it up into a ball and threw it at him, he of course caught it a second before it hit his head and he smirked. "Jack ass!" I growled out, frustrated.

"Better luck next time… Go take the test…"

I didn't need the test really, I knew in my heart that I was pregnant. I even knew the moment it happened.

* * *

"Do you think you can sit up Love? I made you a cup of tea." I looked up at Simon, standing over my bed a concerned look on face. He put the cup on my nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. I let out a small moan, by body aching as he gently brought his hand to my forehead. "My poor girl, you still have a fever."

"Simon, you should go. The last thing you need right now is to get sick."

"There is no way I am leaving you like this." He kissed my cheek and then lifted up the trashcan full of my vomit and made his way into the bathroom. A few minutes later he was back at my side, the trash can good as new. He pulled off his v-neck sweater and wool pants and slid into bed behind me. His arm snaked under my neck and rested his palm against my congested chest, pulling me to him.

"Amy your feet are so cold. Scoot them up a bit, and put them between my calves." I did as I was told, the heat from his legs warming my toes.

"Better?"

"Much."

"Try to get some rest and when you wake up I will make you some broth" I nodded just slightly, drifting off to much needed sleep. Simon was taking care of me… My Simon.

We stayed together in my small apartment for days. Simon never leaving my side, not for a second, always taking care of me. He made a command station with his laptop and cell phone, conducting meetings and business from my living room. By the third day I was nearly better, but spent. He never got sick, germs were afraid of him too I guess.

It was the middle of the day and I finally was up and out of bed. I peeked into the living room, and watched him for a minute. Bluetooth in his ear, iPhone on one hand, typing on his laptop with the other. He heard my floors creaking and turned to look at me.

"There she is. Feeling better Love?"

"Thank god, yes. I don't want to disturb you, I am just going to head into the shower. I stink." He smiled and nodded, turning his attention back to the voice coming out of his iPhone.

I stripped off my pajamas and stepped into my tub. The hot water felt amazing on my skin, as I lathered and rinsed my body and then went to the task of washing my hair. I felt a cold breeze as the shower curtain opened and Simon stepped into the shower with me. His hand went to my head, worked the lather I had already started. His fingertips massaging my scalp gently. His hands drifted to the tops of my shoulders and he turned me around to face him, urging my head back into the stream of water, the bubbles sliding off my back and down the drain.

"You had me worried Love. You must take better care of yourself."

"Thank you for staying with me."

"Where else could I be… but here… with you…" He lifted me up, into the corner of the shower, my legs wrapping around his hips. His mouth now on mine kissing me softly. He then slid himself into to me, filling me. Never breaking eye contact he stilled there for a few moments, holding me. My hands brushing his hair from his face, knotting my fingers together at the nape of his neck.

He shifted his weight ever so slightly and then began to glide in and out of me. This was not our usual shower sex, which consisted of me bent over getting fucked from behind. This was something entirely different, something that had happened only a handful of time during our time together. We were making love, no games, no toys, no alter egos. There was no safe word, no restraints, no pain. Just Simon and I. That was the moment we made our baby, my birth control untaken for days. That was the moment everything began to fall apart for us because I knew this was always how I wanted it to be with Simon. Just he and I but I knew he needed the games and toys and pain in a way I would never and could never understand.

* * *

The sun poured in filling the apartment with light. I woke up still wrapped up in Will's arms, a dreamless night. I was relieved.

"Morning baby, did you sleep better?"

"I did." I couldn't see his face but I knew he was smiling. I stretched and turned my body to him. I was right a huge goofy smile was planted on his face.

"Coffee or tea?"

"Either one is fine as long as it has caffeine." He grazed his lips against my forehead when we both heard a banging at his door.

"Wait here." He eased himself over me, a concerned look on his face. The banging got louder as I watched him descend. I wrapped the blanket around me straining to hear.

"Is she here?" It was Dino's, his voice was cold edged with anger. I was taken aback, my mother must have called him. Dino was a detective, I am sure it didn't take more then two seconds for him to put two and two together

"Yes she is." Will voice took a different tone, he was deep and gruff. I heard the shuffle of footsteps and a few grunts. "She is sleeping Dino back the fuck off." Will was yelling now and breathless. I jumped off the sofa and ran to the door looking down the stairs at them.

"She is sleeping? Will… did you fuck her?" I gasped, my had covering my mouth. What the hell was happening?

"Are you crazy, no of course not." Will moved his body so that I couldn't see Dino, eclipsing him completely.

"You forget Will, I know you… I know about all the one nighters who have made there way up there to your bed."

"Like you are one to talk Dino, like YOU are one to talk. What the hell are you even doing here?"

"Her mother called me in a panic, that some guy was groping her on the side walk and she didn't come home last night." See I knew I was right, my mother.

"Groping…" Will laughed sardonically and then he hissed "Did she tell you that they fought and that she slapped Amy… did she tell you that?"

"She slapped her?" I couldn't see his face but I could hear the shock in his voice.

"Yes… Amy was upset and she needed to be someplace safe so she came here to me."

"Let me upstairs Will." Dino tried to push past Will again, but he was like a wall. I heart started to race, I didn't want them to start fighting.

"Fuck no, you are rabid right now. I am not going to let you scare her."

"Me scare her, fuck you. What do you know…"

"Look I get it Dino, I do. You have feelings for her, and you feel responsible for her but…" Will inhaled and took a long pause.

"But what?!"

"I love her and she loves me back. Which is why she came to me last night and not you. That's why your so pissed right? You need to let her go. It's time buddy."

"You don't think I wish I could…You know I waited a day before I called her cousin back. I could have saved her at least fifteen hours with that son of a bitch. Fifteen fucking hours at least! But I waited, because why? I will never fucking know. And as long as I live, I will never be able to get the image of her handcuffed to a bed, naked, beaten and bloody, burned and God knows what else… The sound of her sobbing, just sobbing. She felt so light in my arms. I swore right there and then that I would watch over her. And yeah I fell in love with her, because she is so…"

"Easy to love…"

"Yeah…but that's not the reason I can't let her go… She is my responsibility because of those fifteen hours… I am not stupid, I sent her to you for a reason Will, I knew she would respond to you and you to her. I knew you could do something for her that I couldn't… But if you hurt her I will fucking kill you." I felt like all the air left the room listening to Dino, the desperation in his voice. The guilt the regret had been eating away at him. Him sending me to Will, knowing what I needed, he loved me that much.

"You saw her like that…" Will voice sounded broken, as his body slacked against the wall. _No… NO… I didn't want Will to know all of that. That image of me in his head… NOOOOO. _

"Yeah… I did. She didn't tell you?"

"No, we don't really talk about those four days. I started reading stuff online but I had to stop. It was too much." _Stupid fucking internet…_

"I was there… I remember."

"I won't hurt her Dino. It's not even possible. She is it for me. But you know that already don't you." Will grabbed Dino's shoulder, it looked like an olive branch of sorts.

"Yeah, yeah I do… I will call her mom and tell her Amy is..." Dino and I locked eyes as I made my way down the stairs, pushing past the wall that was Will; sandwiched between them in this small space.

"Dino, its not your fault what happened to me." He broke my gaze, like it was painful for him to look at me. "You could not have known. Dino look at me…please." We locked eyes again and I slowly lifted my trembling hand to his face, his stubble course against my palm.

Soap, coffee, Altoids, cigarettes…the scent of my salvation…

Tears streamed down my face and I felt Will's arm wrap around my waist, holding me up. "You saved me, you held me, you stood by me. You are the reason I am here." His hand reached up and grabbed mine, tears breaking the corners of his eyes, but Dino would never cry. It was not his way. "You know that I love you, Dino." He nodded, just barely. "I love you Dino. You are my family."

"And you're mine kiddo. You're mine." He wiped at his eyes with this thumb and forefinger and then ran his fingers thru his hair. Looking up at Will and nodded slightly. An unspoken bond between them. He cleared his throat before he was able to speak.

"I am gonna head out, call your mom ok. I'll let her know you are fine but she needs to hear it from you." I watched him walk back out into the cold, folding my arms around myself shivering.

"Are you ok?"

"Don't you get sick of asking me that question?" I turned to Will as I spoke, into his outstretched arms.

"Nahhh. Come on, let see what we can do about that tea."


	31. Chapter 30 - Cereal

I sat at the breakfast bar of Will's kitchen, and watched him moving easily around the kitchen. He held up two boxes of cereal like he was a model on the Price is Right, Will always gave me choices. I chose the Cheerios and a banana and he had the same. The tea kettle started to whistle and he poured out two mugs.

"Milk, sugar?"

"Just sugar, thank you." He placed the bowl of cereal and the hot cup of tea in front of me and then sat next to me, bumping his shoulder with mine playfully.

"Eat up. We have much to do today?" He shoved a huge spoonful of cereal in his mouth and smiled.

"Such as?" He chewed and swallowed but still took a long pause before he spoke again.

" We are going to go and talk to your parents." I eyes grew wide, and I dropped my spoon down in my bowl, splashing the milk on the countertop.

"They have no clue who I am do they?" I shook my head no and finally broke eye contact with him when a flash of hurt appeared on his face.

"Why?"

"I just… I… liked the idea that… I just wanted to keep you to myself."

"Ok…"

"Will…"

"It's fine Amy. But now they know, so they need to meet me so they won't worry about you unnecessarily and you need to work this out with your mom."

"Look, what is going on with my mom is none of your business. I don't want to be harsh but I cant forget what happened last night. I need time. I don't want to see her yet. Dino said he would call…"

"I don't agree… but you're right not my business." He turned his body away from me slightly and went back to his cereal bowl. I sipped at my tea, and picked at my cereal.

"I should go…" I finally said, the silence too uncomfortable.

"Why?"

"Well your obviously mad at me." His face scrunched up, and he shook his head side to side, there may have even been a chuckle and a shoulder shrug.

"No actually I am not. You made your mind up. I don't think it's the right thing but you know your family, I don't. Not everything is a fight. I was just eating my breakfast."

"So you're not mad?" We had a disagreement, but we didn't fight. He wasn't mad. The day was not ruined.

"Nope. You done with that?" He pointed to my bowl and I nodded yes. He stood and took it to the sink. "You wanna go for a walk and get some fresh air?"

"Actually yeah I would."


	32. Chapter 31 - Darkness

Frankie slid the folder across the stainless steel table. It had been a few months since I had gotten a real update. Amy didn't do anything, or go anywhere so we had backed off on her surveillance over the years. She was working out for a bit but that was short lived. A shame really, that she would let her self go. Something to work on…

"I don't think you're going to like this Sir." I opened the folder and it slapped me in the face. Photos of Amy…my Amy with a man, holding hands laughing, his lips pressed to her forehead. She looked so happy, she looked at him the way she used to look at me.

"Who the bloody hell is that?"

"That is a William White, he was the instructor she was working out with briefly in October. She had not seen him for months Sir. And then two days ago she ran into him and the later this happened." He pointed to a photo of them outside her house, wrapped up in his arms. "They parted company but an hour or so later she ran out of her apartment, upset. She fled to his house. The next morning…"

"The next MORNING!"

"Yes Sir. That Detective D'Elia showed up and stayed briefly." Dino D'Elia, my entire body tightened just at the sound of his name. He was the reason I was in this place rotting away while Amy was out there with out me. "Hours later Miss. Knightly and Mr. White went for a walk and returned to his apartment."

"Did she go home?"

"Yes Sir. The following day. But he went with her and has not left yet. They went out for dinner last night but have not left the apartment yet this morning. Spence is there now." I wanted to pound my fist on the table and scream but I knew that would only cause me more trouble. She was letting another man touch her. The bits of her files Frankie was able to photograph from her shrink's office said that no one could touch her! NO ONE! She was moving on with out me. I was losing her. I pushed the folder away, disgusted.

"I want you to put a tail on William White."

"Already done sir."

"Good and I want any and all information on him you can find."

"I have Spence working on that as we speak."

"Everything you can find on him I want to know… Now is there nny word on my father?"

"Yes Sir, he is recovering at home."

"And Helene?"

"She got engaged to Sam Klein, last week. It was in the papers Sir." That was not a surprise, Sam Klein bought up most of Archer Global when my father failed to keep the company afloat. Blaming me for the downfall I am sure.

"Good work Frankie."

"Thank you Sir. I will see you in a month with more intel." A month, a whole month till the next visitors day. I needed out of the god dammed place!


	33. Chapter 32 - Ever

Hello All-

I just wanted to thank you guys for your amazing, motivating reviews. When i started this story, i wasnt sure if FSOG fans would like it, I am so glad that you do! This is my sixth day posting, and I have to say I have met some wonderful people, with amazing stories. I am trying to respond to every review and PM, if I missed you I am sorry. This site does not make it easy to keep track...

Thank you All again

xoxo PPP

* * *

Simon and I had come home from his fathers birthday late, I was full of champagne and cake. Simon was full of scotch and misplaced anger. We rode back to his apartment in silence, I didn't want to say or do anything that would trigger him. As the elevator door closed behind us I knew this was going to be one of those nights. He pushed me into the corner, his hands on my wrists.

"I need you tonight Amy… Will you do what I ask?"

"Simon…I…" Fear grew inside of my, last time he was like this it was intense, too intense. Just thinking about it and it still shook me to my core.

"Will you?" I could see tears breaking in his eyes, desperation.

"Yes…of course I will… Yes…"

We made it into his apartment and went straight to his bedroom. He took off his jacket and started on the buttons of his shirt. Stopping to look at me.

"Take off your dress. I want to look at you." I slid the dress of my shoulders and let it drop to the ground." The shoes too."

I kicked them off, and pulled the pins out of my hair, letting it fall to my shoulders.

"Good Love. Now come over here and slap me…" His shirt was off, and his pants were undone. I licked my lips, wishing we could just make love but I told him I would do what he asked. He always kept his word so I would keep mine. I walked over to him slowly and then drew my hand back, slapping him across the face as hard as I could, his head whipping to one side. A glint forming in his cold blue eyes. My hand burned from the contact, as a red hand print appeared on his perfect face. "Again Amy."

I slapped him again, this time harder. Telling myself this is what he needs. He lets out a growl, and grits his teeth at the impact, his eyes glazed over like he is in a trace.

"Simon…"

"Again."

"Simon, look at me… LOOK AT ME SIMON!"

He finally refocuses his eyes on me, breathing heavily through his nose.

"You are not enjoying this and I know I am not enjoying this… Please… Please… Tell me what is wrong."

"Again Amy…Again…" His voice is so cold and distant, so full of pain. I reach my hand up, and gently rub the side his face. He grabs my wrist, like the kindness my touch was too much for him to bare. He pushes me backwards until my back is against the wall, his body pressed against mine.

"I. Never. EVER. Want my father's hands on you again. EVER." He says each word slowly, full of hate and venom and anguish. Before I can speak or think his mouth has attacked mine, consuming me. He pulls away and tells me not to move. I watch him walk into the closet. He comes back naked, holding a pair of handcuffs and a blindfold in one hand and long wooden paddle in the other.

"Let's do something I know you enjoy Love…"

Hours later I was tangled up in bed, Simon wrapped around me panting. His fingers slowly running up and down my back, my head on his chest, listening to his rapid heart beat.

"What was all that about? What is the deal with you and your father."

"Amy, I don't ant to talk about this now…Just please, don't let him touch you again."

"Did he touch you?"

"No, its nothing like that…"

"Then what? I don't understand."

"I don't trust him and I don't want you to either. I don't want any man touching you. Not your cousin Jeff, not my father… no one…"

"Simon you need to talk to me… Tell me what happened. I can help you."

"You have helped me, what you did tonight helped me. Please lets just go to sleep. I am leaving for Hong Kong in the morning."

* * *

So this is your place huh?" Will looked around my apartment and I was nervous having him there in my small space. I had come to the conclusion, that Will was right, I had to work things out with my mother. He didn't bring it up again, just allowing me to think about what he said and make up my own mind. I had to at least talk to her and explain what has been going on, I had kept them in the dark. The last two months I had fallen backwards, pushed everyone away and they had no clue as to why. I tried to put myself into my mother position, trying to see things from her side. If I had a daughter, and she was violated the way that I was, if she was now distant and untouchable. How would I feel if out of the blue I saw a stranger, holding her. When I visualized that, I knew exactly what she was feeling and wished I had handled things differently.

We had spent the last hour with my parents, sitting around the dining room table. My mother's hazel eyes wide when Will put his arm around me like it was the most natural thing in the world. Even my father, the stone was unable to hide his emotion, his shock.

I explained to them how Will and I knew each other, how we were together, when we were apart. Will was open and honest, answering their questions. He calmed my mother's worries and assured my father that I would be taken care of.

I cried during her gut wrenching apology for slapping me. My father explaining how she was a mess after I left, rattled with guilt and regret. Will told her that it was a good thing that happened because if not, we would all be here now, talking. My mother cried and then hugged him and my father shook his hand.

They both agreed to coming with me to Dalton's for a session. While I had not forgiven my mother, and wouldn't allow her to touch me I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time. It was the first time in years that I felt real hope where my parents were concerned.

"This is it." I leaned against my kitchen counter and looked around trying to see it thru is eyes.

"It's like super girly…" It was, I wanted it to be as pretty and light and airy as possible. The walls were painted a pale lavender grey, the open space was unified with white furniture and kitchen cabinets. The sofas were a soft but modern floral and covered in throw pillows.

"Well I am a girl…"

"Yeah but not a girly girl. It smells like you have been baking cookies in here, which I know for a fact is not true."

"Are you complaining?"

"Not even a little."

"Are you hungry I could make you something?"

"Why don't we go get something…"

"I am a very good cook Will."

"I don't doubt it, but I think it's good for you to go out in the world… You have spent much to much time in here already." He never held back, never hid what he was thinking or feeling. It always took me off guard, but in the best way possible. "Why don't we…"

"I can't do crowds, you saw what happened at the Greek place."

"Yeah, I did and it killed me. I saw it happening and I couldn't get to you quick enough. I wanted to punch that guys lights out. No one will touch you when I am around…trust me… There is this Italian place I really like, it's never really crowded. Let go there." _No one will touch you when I am around… _

"Ok, let me go change."


	34. Chapter 33 - Followed

Will was acting strangely, he was tense and he kept looking over his shoulder. He was being overly protective but truth be told I was grateful for it. The restaurant was crowded and loud but having Will sitting in the booth with his arm around me I felt safe, like returning to the world was really possible. I was still adjusting to the idea of touching him. Feeling the warmth of his skin, I ran my finger over his free hand that was tapping on the table, stilling his frenetic movement.

"Will, you ok?"

"Yeah, sure. Just… you know hungry." He picked up the menu and the waiter came over.

"Can I get you guys something to drink?" Will looked at me, a smirk on his face.

"You're the wine expert…Go…" I smiled broadly and picked up the wine list, it was small but impressive. I kept a budget in mind, knowing Will was mind blown about the fifty dollar bottle I brought to his house, that night seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Um, I think I will try your house Chianti."

"That's a good choice. Do you want bread for the table?" Will nodded and the waiter turned and was gone.

"This was a good idea Will."

"Yeah, sometimes I know what I am talking about."

"No, don't joke, I mean it. You were right about my mom too. What you did today, talking to her like that. You just make everything better for me." My voice cracked and he grabbed my hand. That look appeared on his face again like he wanted to kiss me. His forehead pressed to mine, our breath mixing. This feeling starting in my core stretching out to the rest of my body, things I didn't want to feel ever again.

"Here you go!" The waiter placed the basket of bread on the table, thankfully breaking the connection between us and then he poured the wine in our glasses with a flourish. "Are you lovebirds ready to order?" Will cleared his throat and picked up his menu.

"Uh, yeah I will have the veal…"

"And for the lady?"

"The gnocchi please."

"Good choices, the veal and the gnocchi. House salads ok?" We both nodded and he walked away.

I grabbed for my glass and chugged it down in one gulp. Will cocked his head a scowl on his face.

"It's going to keep happening Amy, that pull between us. You can't drink every time it does?"

"I know."

"Please relax, you are like wound like a clock. I can fell the tension in your body. Just breathe and relax."

"I am trying. I really am."

"You need a workout… that's what you need."

"I have been keeping up with the running." I announced proudly, to Will's shocked smile.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, in the morning at the track."

"Good, I am impressed…We will go tomorrow together."

My mother words flashed into my brain…_You bend and change depending on who you are with… When you were with Phil you loved science and skiing, then Owen was baseball and camping. Simon was dinner parties and kinky sex apparently. Now this man what will he turn you into?_

I shook the words from my head, doubt creeping in. Will was not like that. I used to run long before I met him. I had chosen running over yoga. Running was my choice. I had to be careful and thoughtful, I couldn't let myself get caught up and lost again. I was smarter now, stronger.

"I mean of that's ok with you? I would like to get back to your training. Seeing now I can touch you now there is nothing stopping us."

"I would really like that." _It was time…_

* * *

My belly was full and I had a nice wine buzz. I walked home with Will at my side, his hand in mine. I could still sense that he was tense. His eyes darting, on alert. He picked up his pace, using the excuse that it was cold.

We finally made it back to my house, he closed and locked the doors behind us. And then excused himself to make a phone call.

"Will, what is wrong…seriously you are freaking me out." He sat me down on my sofa and sat facing me.

"Ok, now I don't want you to panic…"

"That's not a good way to start a sentence Will?"

"I know, I am sorry but I think we are being followed."

"WHAT?!"

"I thought so yesterday and then tonight. I called a friend on the force, he is checking it out now."

"Followed. Simon?"

"I would think. If not him then who?"

"He is in the loony bin."

"True but…"

"But his kind of crazy would include having me followed." Will nodded and I started to panic. It started in my belly, a quiver that would turn into panic.

"Amy, look at me. Look at me. No, don't do this. Do not let him do this to you." I nodded frantically, trying to hold back the tears. "Take a breath."

He inhaled and exhaled with me several times. "Good, breathe" His voice was soothing me.

"Do you think it has been going on this whole time?" His face fell at the thought and then his jaw tightened. He leaned in close and whispered in my ear.

"Fuck, yes. I do. We need to get out of here, undetected. Go throw some stuff in a bag ok." He stood and turned on the TV and the dishwasher and then announced that maybe I should just go to sleep, it had been a long day. Did he think my place was bugged? I went on auto pilot and threw jeans and panties into a bag. Will opened my bedroom window, it was small and he barely made it through. I followed him out.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah I think so… I mean, no not at all…" I was trembling, inside and out, adrenaline coursing thorough me, warding off the panic. We took the alleyway, and went the long way to his apartment. Will knew the neighborhood as well if not better then I did. We went through the old unused loading docks in the back of his building, and made our way to his apartment, up an old metal staircase. He pulled down all the shades and curtains and only turned on one lamp. I sat on the sofa, breathless and in shock. This could not be happening. Had Simon been watching me this entire time? Will went into full on cop mode, he got on the phone making one call and then another. Finally he was talking to Dino.

"Yes, she is here with me… No… Yes…No… I think it is possible the place is bugged. Town car, black, plate number EZF 675... SUV, Black plate number DGF 858... Can you get a list of his visitors? Yes, Santana… Good…Thank you Dino…" He shoved the phone back in his pocket and sat next to me on the sofa.

"It's going to be ok, I have people looking into it and Dino is sending over a car to your place. Tomorrow he will have it swept for bugs." I nodded at each word, my mind racing. Thinking of all the times I felt someone over my shoulder.

"My place was just redone, so it could have been then… one of the workers maybe…"

"How long ago was that?

"Just a year, a little less." And then I had a memory that chilled me to my bones, I gasped and my hands flew over my mouth.

"Baby what?"

"Dalton's office…"

"Dalton?"

"My therapist, his office was broken into around the same time. He has a really good security system because of all the files he has. It was breached, but nothing was missing." I began to spiral, could Simon have copies of my files. All of those notes that Dalton would write, all my thoughts and fears and feelings about him. Good and Bad. Tears streaming down my face, shaking uncontrollably. I could see the look of fear in Will's eyes. There was nothing he could do to help me.

"Amy, please just calm down. We don't know anything yet." He put his arms around me and drew me to his chest. I just sobbed, again. I was so sick of him seeing me like this, weak and out of control.

God damn it AMY! Pull yourself together and deal with this. It is happening, freaking out will not solve anything.

I had to pull on my own strength to get through this, I could not solely rely on Will. I had to get myself together. I pushed the panic aside, too many tears already wasted. I looked up at Will, his gaze fixed on me.

"I just can't understand why Archer…" I cut Will off, already knowing the answer to his question.

"I lived for him. Every breath was for him. Everything. We consumed each other, like fire consumes paper. He knows everything about me, every part of me. And when I left him, I broke him because… he had broken me. He wanted me back and… I wouldn't… I couldn't… he took me too far. I pushed him over the edge and he took me with him." I stood up and lifted my sweater over my head, leaving my black tank top on. Will stood with me standing in front of me, shock on his face. "Every time he would rape me he would take a box cutter, and put a notch in my flesh as a punishment. Nine on this side and twelve here." Will reached up and ran his thumb over the scars on my chest, tears in his eyes. "And when that didn't work, he got creative. Trying to break me."

"Punishment for what…" I exhaled sharply, knowing I couldn't turn back now. Will needed to know everything and then Simon would have no power over me.

"Do you remember when I told you how he raped me before we broke up…" He nodded, his jaw clenched. "He was able to make me… climax." I could feel the embarrassment burning through my cheeks "I hate him for it, but I hate myself more for letting it happen…giving Simon his prize. But in my apartment those four days. I didn't utter a single word to him, no matter what he did to me and I wouldn't… Come…no matter how much he tried to make me…So he punished me."

"Holy shit Amy." Running his hands along the length of my bare shoulders.

"I knew that if I gave him what he wanted, my surrender… he would kill me and then disappear. He would have gotten what he wanted…" I lifted my tank top, exposing my belly and the twenty three gnarly scars that marred my pale skin. Will's bloodshot eyes widened in shock and anger.

"I was pregnant, and he did this to me with my curling iron when he found out. This was the day that Dino found me." _During those fifteen hours…_

Will's hands covered my scars, skin that had not been touched in years. My body cringed. "I couldn't keep it when all was said and done despite how hard I fought to live, so it could live. I just couldn't keep it. So I had an abortion…That was the last time, the last day I was touched, by anyone until you."

"Amy, I…I cant imagine… You're not even telling me all of it are you?"

"No, there are things that will never pass my lips. Things that I just pretend never happened or that they happened to someone else. You also need to know…" I stopped, knowing the words that were about to come out of my mouth could make will see me differently.

"Know what?"

"Those four days… that wasn't the first time he had handcuffed me or used a cane or caused me pain or I him. That was how it was between us, that was what he liked. What we liked, I guess. But it was always consensual until…"

"You told him no and he didn't listen." Will closed his eyes, and he turned away from me. I knew I had done it, he would never look at me the same way again.

"Yes, until then."

"You still love him don't you." There was a sadness and anger in his tone that hurt me more, cut me deeper then anything Simon had done to me.

"I never loved him, not really. I was obsessed with him, I needed him, I craved him. But I have never loved anyone until I loved you."

"Amy…"

"I know what you must be thinking about me, wondering what you have got yourself into… But I never understood what love was, never until I touched you. But I understand, if you can't…deal with all of this…Now that you know all of it…I mean I get it, but if you're going to leave, please do now…" Will lifted his fingers to my lips, silencing me. His eyes soft, and he exhaled deeply. There it was again, that undeniable pull between us. I couldn't run from it, I couldn't hide.

"Amy, I am going to kiss you now. Ok…" I gave one small nod, fear mixing with anticipation as Will's lips touched mine, so softly so gently. His arms wrapping around me, pulling me to him. My hands on his taught waist, tangled in his shirt. His lips parting mine, my tongue finding his. Moving together like the wind over the ocean. I wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting to be closer, needing to anchor myself to him. His one hand was on my upper back and the other drifted just above my ass.

I feared kissing Will because I never wanted to remember kissing Simon, never wanting a link tying them together. And now with Will's lips on mine Simon was the furthest port in my mind. It was Will only Will.

His mouth drifted to my neck, placing small wet kissed down to where my scars began."

"Amy…" He said my name breathlessly full of want. "We need to stop this. You are not ready." I could feel his growing erection pressing against me, and he was right I was not ready.

"I want to be… but no I am not."

"I love you. No matter what happens or doesn't happen…I love you Amy…"

I opened my mouth to speak, but Will's phone rang, startling is both out of this quiet moment. We separated and he was right back into cop mode.

"White." He barked into the phone. He turned his back to me and took a few steps away. I pulled my sweater back over my head, suddenly feeling the need to cover my ravaged skin. "You're sure… Good keep me posted and if you can't get me then D'Elia is on this as well."

He put the phone on the coffee table and sat next to me on the sofa.

"You are being followed. Do you know a Franklin Barnes and Elias Spence?"

"Yes, Frankie was Simons driver and Spence was his bodyguard. I knew them both really well."

"Well it looks like they are still working for him."

"That does not surprise me, he paid them well, and they were loyal. Like cult leader loyal. They have known him since he was a boy."

"There is a police car outside your house right now, it's unmarked. Dino is going to tell you parents what is going on."

"I can't believe this is happening. I just can't… and then this is so totally Simon I am not surprised at all."

"Look for now we are safe here, an unmarked car is outside too. It has been a long day. Tomorrow they will sweep your place and I will have a friend install a security system there and here. I don't think they want to hurt you, they just want to know what you are up to. So let's get some rest. You look exhausted."

"I am. Are you coming too." Not wanting to be alone, waking up again in a strange place.

"Uh, yeah in a little while I have some calls to make and I want to just make sure everything is locked up here." he was doing his best to hide his worry and I could tell he was still reeling from everything I had just told him, It was not an easy pill to swallow.

"Ok... Will thank you." He leaned into me and gave me a small peck on my lips, sending me on my way.


	35. Chapter 34 - Toothpaste

Ok Guys, I have been writing like a manic this weekend. I like to keep 20,000 words ahead of my postings, which I why I was able to post so much for you guys today... I am posting four chapters now... on top of the ones from this morning... I hope you guys enjoy... The story is starting to really take shope now and I cant want for you to read the next 20,000... Please read and review... I just want to give a quick shout out to katharinelw, SmileRose, Latenightreader, dagmar-rudbek, Meggan-sa, Nickjisofmychain2828, and fictionpress1213 for your great reviews and pm's and for the motivation...

Songs today: Coldplay/Fix You (Will's song) Florence and the machine/Shake it Out, Phillip Phillips/home and Alex Clare/too Close.

* * *

An hour later he eased into bed behind me, I was awake, my mind racing and rehashing the day. Over and over again. I turned around facing him.

"You're still awake?"

"I couldn't sleep. My body wants to but my mind is…"

"A different story." He moved closer to me, resting his hand on my hip, sliding his fingers under the hem of my shirt. The tips of his fingers making small motions, figure eights over my skin. There was a flash of panic that surged through me, but I would not allow it to take me over.

"Is this ok?"

"Yeah, it feels nice." He leaned his head down and kissed me gently, his lips grazing over mine, and then it hit me… the scent of toothpaste on his mouth and a froze.

"Amy what just happened? You were here with me and then you were gone?"

"Toothpaste…"

"What?"

"Mint toothpaste is sometimes a trigger for me…"

"Fuck I didn't know." He turned his head away from me.

"Of course you didn't. You couldn't."

"That's why you had cinnamon at your apartment?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to go?" He started to get up, but I pulled him back down with me.

"No. I want you to breathe."

"What?"

"This is how Dalton got me over my coffee trigger, he would brew a pot at the beginning of every session, it was awful in the beginning but I over time I was able to control it and then finally drink it. Breathe on me." He exhaled softly, and the minty scent filled the small space around us. It choked me, burning my lungs like acid. My mind began to race and I felt like I could hear water running. I took a few deep breaths, forcing the air into my lungs; pushing the pain away.

"Again."

"Are you sure? Amy you are sweating and shaking." His hand was at the small of my back, and he was right I was. I could feel the beads forming on my upper lip and under my breasts. I clenched my hands into fists my nails digging into my palms.

"Yes I am sure, please again. Will. Again." He exhaled again, this time longer and I inhaled deeply; my eyes clenched tightly. My heart was pounding deep in my chest, the throat constricted; I could feel Simon's thumb pressing into my throat, I could hear his ragged breath, his mouth in my breasts.

"Amy that's enough. Please. I want to get away from you but I don't want to let you go either. Please turn around." He loosened his hold and I used the last bit of energy I had to rotate my body away from him; Pulling my knees up to my chest.

"Amy, are you ok? Baby please talk to me…"

"Mind over matter right?"

"In all things… In all things…"


	36. Chapter 35 - Darkness

He sat across from me, a smug look on his weary face. I could not believe that this fraction of a man was able to take me down. Ill fitted rumpled suit, reeking of stale coffee, he was weak. I was distracted by Amy, if not for that it never would have happened, he never would have gotten the best of me.

"We know you are having Amy followed." Fuck, a chink in my armor. So much for covert surveillance. I leaned back in my chair, relaxed. I would not give him an inch not a single inch.

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Yeah you do, and you stop this now Archer."

"I can't stop anything, because I have no idea…"

"CUT THE SHIT, Barnes and Spence have been made. Barnes was here yesterday. The guard said he passed you a file. We know they were on your payroll, we know they have been tracking her for god knows how long. It stops today. DO YOU HEAR ME ARCHER TODAY!"

This smug fucker, thinking he had any control over me. Little did he know that I was pulling the strings.

"You know Dino…You can't tie any of this to me, Spence and Frankie were her friends too, she trusted them. If they are looking after her, that is none of my business. And yes Frankie does come to visit me once a month… The file was an article in the paper announcing my sisters engagement. But if there is some one following Amy, don't you think is kind of sad that it took you all this time to realize it? I question your ability to protect her… to keep her safe…" His face dropped, pain. He looked like he was in pain. Good…This was only the beginning…

"Hmm, you have been here five years now right? You get visitation, time outdoors, phone calls. The director and I have known each other a long time. A very long long time. I am not a vindictive man by nature, I could have called in a few favors long ago and made your time here miserable. But I knew this day would come Archer. I saved my pennies for a rainy day. You have one hour to call it off and I if so much as get a shiver in my spine that Amy is being followed… You will regret it."

With that he stood dismissing me as he walked out the door. They rage boiling inside of me was like an inferno. I wanted to explode. Fuck I hated him thinking I was so bloody powerless. Locked in this place when there is so much to do… get back my Amy, get back my company. I keep telling myself that this was a means to and end. Fuck! This was a check but not a check mate.

"Guard, I need to make a phone call…"


	37. Chapter 36 - Secured

I had this awful sinking feeling in my belly all night and I couldn't shake it. I woke alone in Will's bed. He had gotten up in the middle of the night, I could hear him pacing the floors, the patter of his feet lulling me back to sleep. The sun was pouring in, bathing my body in warmth and light. The dust floating in the air like flecks of glitter. I shook my head pushing that memory away and focused on the sound of muffled voices in the living room.

I got out of bed, and looked at my cell phone; It was almost noon. I pulled my hair up on the top of my head in an attempt to look presentable, pulled down my sweat pants and straightened Will's John Jay sweatshirt. Will, Dino and to my shock and surprise Jeff were sitting on the sofa engrossed in a heated whispered conversation.

"Jeff? What are you doing here." At the sound of my voice, all three men jumped up, surprise on their faces.

"Well, uh…Uncle Billy called, told me what was happening. I spent the night at your parents place for… protection. Your Ma was well you know how she gets…" I nodded, I could only imagine the state she was in, but I didn't have the energy to manage her. "Anyway, Dino came by at the crack of my ass this morning with this team of dudes… And I tagged along. I wanted to see how you were holding up. I also wanted to come over here and kick Will's ass for groping you… but apparently I was misinformed."

I chuckled at the idea of Will and Jeff getting into a fight. Actually that is a horrifying idea.

"My God, my mother is like the town crier…"

"Just for the record, I was not nor will I be groping… This is a grope free environment." Will moved over on the sofa making room for me and I sat next to him. His arm wrapped around me and I could see it put Jeff on edge. He and I locked eyes and I nodded letting him know that I was ok, that Will touching me was ok. He nodded back, and relaxed slightly.

"Dino, tell me what you found out?"

"Ok so here is what we know for sure, you were in fact being followed. We took Spence in and confiscated his camera and files. There were photos of both of you. What he was doing was not illegal so we had to let him go. I spoke with the DA and there is nothing to tie any of this to Archer. It's all circumstantial. " My throat began to close up, Simon had me followed was getting reports on me for God knows how long. The thought of him, milling over my photos made me sick. Will grabbed my hand sensing my need, reading my mind. Dino's eyes stared at our entwined hands for a brief moment and then he got back to business.

"Thankfully your apartment and you parents house came up clean… no bugs…" I breathed a sigh of relief, and leaned back against the sofa. Thank God.

"Now as far as Dalton's office we still have no way of knowing but it is a fair to say it was one of Simon's goons but he would not have gotten very much info. We went to Dalton's office today and he walked me through his security system. His written notes are transcribed weekly and kept on his computer, all they would have gotten was a glimpse of his notes from that week. So…"

"It could have been worse…" Will chimed in looking directly at me. I could not believe this, that Simon could reach me from the nut house. If he is capable of this from lockup what will he be able to do when he is free. Dino glanced at Will and then Jeff before he continued.

"I went to see him today at the institution?"

"YOU WHAT?" I shot up from the sofa standing over him, tearing my hand out of Will's "You saw him? You spoke to him?"

"Yes, I did."

"Baby, calm down." I walked away from them pacing around the room.

"What did he say?!"

"He was his usual smug self, I told him that if he didn't call off the dogs I would make his life inside miserable." I gasped out in horror, total and complete horror.

"Dino you should not have done that! He must hate you even more then he did before. Newsflash! Simon is getting out and there is nothing any of us can do to stop it. If he ever did anything to hurt you, I would never forgive myself."

"Amy, I can take care of myself. Cop… Gun… license to kill…"

"This is not fucking funny Dino, I am serious. You were there you know what he said when they were taking him away."

"What did he say?" Dino and I looked at each other, and I froze. "What the fuck did he say Dino?"

"Tell him, he needs to know." I shot Jeff a look of death. "He does. He needs to know as much as possible so he can protect you Aims."

"He said that he was going to kill me… and that he was going to make me pay for taking his Amy away… and then he said that…" Dino looked at me before he continued. I nodded, allowing him to go on. "Then he said that he would never rest until Amy was his again. That his face would be the last thing she ever saw." Dino hesitated, not wanting to say anymore. I let him off the hook.

"And that he couldn't wait to be inside me again…" Will's fists were clenched at his side, his legs shoulder width apart. He looked like he wanted to scream, punch the wall and tear things to bit. I could see him trying to regain his composure. I wondered if he was counting like I do.

"Yeah he said that too." Dino said disgusted, not able to look anywhere but at the floor.

"This fucking guy is crazy! How is it that he is getting out?" Will's voice was more like a roar and I jumped at the sound of it.

"Six years of rehabilitation and they are going to let him go, it's how the system works in cases like his. He has a near spotless record. He got in to a fight this year with an inmate out of the blue… that is the only reason he is not already a free man." There was a sly smile on his face and I knew there was something behind it.

"Dino…"

"Yes Amy…"

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Did you have an inmate start a fight with him?"

"Yes… Yes I did."

"Good thinking D… very good thinking. Maybe we could have him you know…"

"No! Jeff don't even say that! I don't even want to hear this, you will not have him killed… and don't you all look at me like that… It is not what you are thinking. I don't want that hanging over my head. That karma… that is something I could never get over. Despite what he did to me… I just don't want to be directly or indirectly responsible for a man's life or death."

"Even if that man is Simon?"

"Even then. I am not the animal he is, nor are you Dino or you Will or you." Jeff opened his mouth to object but I cut him off at the pass "Jeff not a word… because I know for a fact that you are NOT an animal. You might act like one sometimes but you are not an animal. I am not discussing this any further." They all looked at me like I was the crazy one. I put my hand on my chest and grabbed a fist full of my sweatshirt, felling stifled. Tugging the fabric away from my skin. I plopped back down on the sofa. Jeff quickly joined me one side. Will on the other, resting his hand on my knee. Knowing I needed something to ground me.

"Fine let's discuss security…Ok, lets do that. I have Santana at your place now, installing a security system and he will come over later to install one here too." A security system, I had ADT but that was useless to ward against Simon.

"How much is that going to cost?"

"I know Santana well. He is doing it as a favor for now, but don't worry about it. I will figure it out."

"How much Will?"

"About fifteen grand, give or take." Fifteen thousand was less that I was thinking.

"Ok, Jeff have my mother write him a check from my personal account, ok my personal account. Tell her to add five thousand to whatever it is as a thank you and that way he won't feel like you owe him a favor."

"You just have twenty grand sitting around?" Jeff laughed out loud, actually he snorted and then laughed.

"She has more then that Will."

"I got a lot of money from the civil suit… Most I gave away to charity and stuff, shelters for abused women and children. What I kept is invested and I live off the interest… At the end of the year what I don't use again goes to charity. So yes I have twenty grand just lying around."

"Wow, ok… that is…just… wow…"

"It's just money…"

"It's millions dude… millions." I swung back and punched Jeff right in the arm as hard as I could. He eyes shot up wide.

"Jesus Jeff could you shut the fuck up. I mean seriously."

"Aims, you just fucking hit me…" A huge smile spread across his stupid face and I wanted to hit him again. "Amy you hit me. You touched me."

I just hit him, I touched him and I didn't even think about it.

"I know… I did… I hit you…" I started to laugh at the same time the tears formed in my eyes. "And if you don't stop acting like a jerk I will do it again."


	38. Chapter 37 - Babysteps

Hours later I sat on the chair in Will's bedroom, the sun had set long ago but I just sat there in the darkness. The last four days had turned my world upside down yet again. I had touched four people, kissed Will, he held me while I slept, twice. Simon was as much as presence in my life as he has always been. He was right, he would always be apart of me, and I a part of him.

* * *

"I am going to miss you…" I watched him put the final things in his carry on and I could already feel the pull of the distance between us. I pulled the covers up over my naked body, and sat up in the bed.

"I am going to miss you too Love. But I have a fire to put out, grease some government officials and you are a huge distraction. I need all my focus for this."

Several of the Hong Kong factories were having issues because the Chinese government was systemically stopping production on what Archer Global was hoping would be the new must have gadget for the impending Holiday season. They were still five months out but it was an already tight deadline and millions were at stake. Simon said their "issues" were just a hard ball tactic based on the fact that the Kakushin Suru refused to manufacturer in China. Chiyo Honora was a humanitarian and was opposed to the conditions Chinese factory workers had to endure. It was a sticking point in the buy out negations, forcing Archer Global to look in to building factories in the US, Canada and of course Japan which was still trying to rebuild from the earthquake. The Chinese government got spooked and used what leverage they had to their advantage. The current factories.

"I know, I understand…It's just that…"

"We have never been a apart since we have been together." I exhaled relieved, he got what I was saying. "I know, but it's a week tops, I will be back before you know it."

"I know…but can't I come with you… I speak the language…"

"No! Amy no…Where I am going is just no place for you…It's not safe and you know that."

"Can't you send…"

"I wish I could, but I have connections there. I am the one who got these factories in the first place." I nodded, I was acting foolish and I knew it. I just didn't know how I was going to go an entire week with out him. "Look at me, you are apart of me. The best part, everything good a decent about me is you."

"Simon that is not true."

"Yes it is… My mind, my soul was full of darkness until you came into it. You are my light Amy and I am unfortunately your darkness."

"Ying and Yang…"

"Exactly. Ying and Yang…And a few thousand miles or a week or a month or year isn't going to change that." He wiped one of my tears away with this thumb and kissed me gently. "Nothing is going to change that. I am yours and you are mine."

* * *

"Amy are you ok?" Will flicked the light on and I squinted my eyes, holding my hand up to block the shock of light.

"Yeah, I am just thinking. I can't relax, I feel like Simon is watching me right now. Like no matter what he is always able to reach me." Will was silent, and he seemed so far away from me. Like his mind was somewhere else all together. Doubt and fear began to creep in, maybe he was having doubts. This was way more then he signed up for. I mean its one thing to deal with a crazy girl, but a crazy girl who can't be touched who has a crazy ex that is out to get her. I started to laugh, a tired sad depleted laugh. He was still silent, just looking down at me. And for the first time since we met I couldn't read his face. I stood up slowly and eased my way past him.

"I need a drink…" He stopped me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me back against his chest. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and his other arm wrapped around me.

"That's not what you need."

"And what do I need?"

"You need to come Amy." My breathing stopped, and my heart skipped a beat. I started to feel dizzy…1...2...3... "Breathe Amy." I took a deep breath, shaking as I inhaled.

"I can't…It's like with the coffee or the toothpaste, or the smell of blood…I can't"

"You won't… won't is not can't." He slid his hand under the hem of my shirt, his palm flat against the fleshy bit of skin covering my ribs, just under my bra. "A week ago, you wouldn't let me do this… and now I can." His hand splayed open, gliding over my breast holding it gently. "And now I can do this…" He kneaded me softly and I could feel my nipple harden, not sure if it felt good or not. I could hear the harshness of my breath, as I pressed my lips together trying to decide.

"Will… Please…let me go…" No sooner that the words were out of my mouth, Will released his grasp. I stood there feeling like a sheet on the line blowing in the wind. I turned to face him, his face plagued with worry and concern.

"It's like you said Amy…the coffee and the toothpaste…baby steps… Let's go to bed. It's been a long day."


	39. Chapter 38 - Hope

Hello Everyone! So I just wanted to say another **HUGE** thank you for your wonderful and motivating reviews. Alot of feedback has been about my frequent updates...I have a three hour train ride and i have been putting it to good use... So if you all keep liking it. I will keep writing it. I am sorry that I have not been able to respond to all your PM's and reviews... I am a bit behind... two hours of Downton Abbey last night is to blame. I am still going to try and reply... Also, to all my new followers thank you for clicking that button!

Now I need some help... I am writing a chapter and I need a song for Amy and Will. I have been trying to find one with out luck and it's a very important part of the story so if you have any idea please let me know... you will be greatly rewarded...

This next chapter is very long and I think you guys are going to love it. I loved writing it. This chapter is my gift to you! Enjoy!

* * *

It was finally spring, the air was crisp and fresh. The cold chill of winter was finally withdrawing, taking not only the snow and ice but my doubts and insecurity with it. I felt like a weight was finally being lifted, like the path was clear; I just needed to follow it and not be afraid.

The cherry trees were covered in lime green buds and soon my little Queens Camelot would be bursting with pink and while flowers. Crocus and Tulips just busting thru the dirt, weeks away from a lush field of purple and yellow and red. It was hands down my favorite time of the year. Cadbury eggs, yellow tulips and church bells off in the distance.

I had coffee with my mother, she came down to my apartment and we sat on my sofa watching Live with Kelly and Michael, like we used to only it was Regis and Kelly then. I got so caught up with her that I forgot the time and was running late to my lesson with Will. I gulped the last bit of my now cold coffee, pulled on my sweat jacket, grabbed my gym bag and began a easy but hurried jog over to his place. Taking in all the signs of spring around me.

I still looked over my shoulder wondering if Simon was having me followed again, but Will, Dino and Jeff were always on alert making sure I was safe, after a few months I was finally able to put those worries to the back on my mind. I would not let him rule me, his reach was shortened and I had to focus on that for now.

I chose to focus on myself, on my family and on Will. I chose to focus on my mind and my body, my ability to keep and protect it. I chose to focus on knowing Will and him knowing me. We had been "together" for three months, taking tandem baby steps towards each other.

"Goooood Morning Baby." He was sitting at the front desk, hanging up the phone. His face smiling, his leather warm brown eyes, full lips, damaged nose all created a face that felt like home to me. A face I could look upon for all of my days and always find something new.

"Morning." I made my way to him, leaning down to give him a kiss on his cheek. This was apparently not what he was looking for because he pulled me on to his lap in one quick motion and I landed with a muffled thud. He kissed me, his lips pressing gently to mine, my hands wrapping around his neck. My stomach began to quake and bubble over, kissing him always felt like this, like birthdays and Christmas morning and the last day of school all rolled into one perfect moment. I pulled away from himself conscious of my weight on his lap.

"Will, let me go." He tightened his grip "I mean it babe, I am too heavy. I am serious."

"Amy, you are not..." I wiggled off my way off his lap and he finally let me go, his brow furrowed in frustration. A look that I was becoming very accustom to.

"That was Tracy, she wants to know if we are free for dinner on Friday? She has something she wants to tell me." I had avoided getting to really know Will's family, I got so wrapped up in Simons so quickly. I was trying to not make the same mistakes twice, trying to keep a safe distance and get the ground firm under my feet.

"Uh..."

"Amy...She think you don't want to meet her. And I am beginning to think she is right."

"No… I do…I do want to meet her… I mean we have met kinda, Charlie too but not really... but errr...Ok Friday..."

"Yeah? You sure?" He scrunched up his face and cocked his head.

"Yes..."

"Could you make those brownie things... I have talked them up and now she wants to try them."

"Yes I can make those brownie things."

"Good, cause I already said you would…Are you ready to sweat?"

"That I am."

* * *

"Punch, Kick...Good. Focus. Again."

There is an art to throwing a punch, I never understood that until I threw my first perfect one. It's about speed, velocity, precision, physics. They all come into play the moment you decide to force your arm forward, turning from your hip. The way you clench your fist, how you turn your arm in the last second before making contact; all of this happens in less then two seconds. You have no time for thinking, or decisions, you just take the hours you spent throwing the same punch over and over again until it becomes part of you, part of your nature.

It ingrains upon you like a fingerprint and then the moment comes and you just do it. You throw a right hook, a left jab, then maybe an elbow and a kick to the groin. It becomes a ballet of movement and instinct, only there is no music to keep your rhythm or timing. Only you and your hard earned muscle memory.

I did as Will told me, the yellow rubber dummy, (that I named Irving) taking the brunt of my repeated blows. He was my enemy and I punched and kicked him over and over again. Releasing all my angst and aggressing on this inanimate object was the best therapy I could have ever hoped for. Will and I had yet to start the hand to hand training, I was not ready to be handled that way. But I was sitting in watching his later more advance classes, learning and absorbing. Visualizing myself being thrown to the ground, someone on top of me and having the ability to keep calm and defend myself. Soon...

I was spent, my knuckles ached, my thighs burning from holding the right stance, my abs begging to relax for reprieve. I wiped my brow with the edge of my glove and leaned onto Irving for support.

"Had enough for today?" Wills hand was at the base of my neck rubbing out the tension, his thumb concentrating on my spine. "How is your shoulder?

"It hurts but I can deal."

I put my hands on Irving's shoulders and stretched out my back, my butt bumping into Will, sending a quick surge thru me. I stood up quickly, embarrassed.

"No, lets go again. Ready Irving." Will looked at me, with the cutest smirk on his face and shook his head before he went back into trainer mode.

"Punch, Left..."

* * *

An hour later I was in Will's shower, easing my muscles. I couldn't wait to get some ice on my right shoulder, once it was dislocated it was never the same. I wrapped myself up in the towel that Will had left for me and went to grab my gym bag for my change of clothes. I searched around Will's room, realizing that I had left it on the chair in his dining room. I grabbed his robe off the back of the door... feeling like Gandalf from the size of it, drooping of my shoulders, dragging on the floor as I walked.

"Buddy, listen I would love to go to Vegas. Really I would... Yes I know the bachelor party is going to be epic... It's just my girlfriend, she does not want me to go and I have to you know respect that...Haha... yeah yeah make all the whipped jokes you want...No... No... I am not bringing her to Vegas... It's just not her thing... The wedding... no I will be stag... she has plans that night... yes she exists ass... No you can't meet her... because you're a dick that's why... yeah maybe we can do drinks or something... Tell Kelly I said hi…Ok you guys have a good time.. behave..."

"Hey..." My voice was small, I felt like shit. Will had already given up so much for me, and he never complained. Not once. He turned around slowly, with a busted look on his face, sliding his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants.

"Hey babe..." He looked guilty, and he really had done nothing wrong.

"You should go to Vegas Will... be with your friends... Hell get a lap dance, get two. God know you have earned at least that."

"Amy..." His hands out stretched to me his eyes pleading.

"No I am serious... I know that I hold you back..."

"You DON'T hold me back Amy..." He walked towards me, and put his hands on the tops of my shoulders.

"Don't." His hands, sent a jolt of sadness though me. He quickly removed them, shocked by my recoil. "Yes I do... you had a life before me... you had a string of girls, you had nights at the bar with your friends, trips to Vegas without a second thought."

"Amy, stop. I had nothing before you... I don't want to go to Vegas."

"Don't lie to me Will. Everyone one wants to go to Vegas!"

"I have been to Vegas... trust me when I tell you I don't want to go again..."

"Whatever Will! You didn't even tell me about a wedding! Were you just going to go and not tell me?"

"Yeah... I was..." I turned to walk away, but he caught up with me in two steps to my six and blocked the door to his bedroom. "I know you Amy, I know you won't be able to go but I also know it will make you feel like shit not going... So you have plans with Laurel next Saturday... I was just going to go for a few hours and come back..."

"Wait, so you got Laurel involved in this?" The thought of them going behind my back was unimaginable, the betrayal of that.

"No of course not, it just worked out that girls night fell on the 9th. This is not a big deal..."

"Yeah it is a big deal. If girls night was this Saturday would you have lied to me?" His silence spoke volumes. "Wow... you would have lied... Go to Vegas this weekend Will. I release you! GO! Have a good time...Have GREAT time!"

He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again, rubbing his forehead, leaving a red mark behind. "Let me pass Will."

He stepped out of the doorway and I slammed the door behind me. I sat at the edge of the bed, breathing in and out deeply. _Don't cry Any... Don't cry... _Too late, the silent tears slid down my cheeks, a dark wave of sadness washing over me. I rested my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. His door creaked as it opened and he shuffled over to me, sitting down on the bed at my side.

"Last time I was in Vegas... it was four day bender... I don't even remember half of it, that's how bad it was. Coke, and girls, and gambling…I don't know how I survived it and the worst part was I was still months away from hitting rock bottom. I don't want to go back because my college friends have no clue what I went through. The case… the addiction… the rehab... none of it... and that's I how I like it...I am not going because I am 100% sure there will be drugs... and I just can't risk it... falling backwards...I couldn't do that to you... to us... I didn't tell you because... I don't want you to know this side of me... this weak, useless, selfish drug addict..."

"Will you are not weak, you are not useless..."

"Yes I am... I have been seeing my sponsor more and more... More then you see Dalton actually. You have no idea how hard its been...

"Since we found out I was being followed..."

"Yes since then..."

"I am bad for you Will..."

"No baby, you getting hurt is bad for me... You not living a long life with me is bad for me...My thoughts my worries are bad for me..."

"Translation I am bad for you. And I am a horrible girlfriend because it always about me... It's never about you Will.. Here you have been struggling and I was clueless. You have to let me in Will. You know everything about me and I know nothing about you!"

"Amy, you know me...but you're right... but it's like how you are... there are some things you just can't do... I guess its the same way with me... I just can't rehash all of that... It serves no purpose for you or for me... We both just need to keep moving forward..." He grabbed my hand, linking my fingers with his. Defeated I rested my head on his shoulder.

"We are a hot mess aren't we?" We were quite the pair, a matched set of fucked-upness and somehow we managed to find one another.

"Yeah... I guess we are... but in the best way possible. And I wouldn't change a thing. "He brushed his lips against my wet hair as he spoke. "You smell good..."

"It's your shampoo."

"It doesn't smell this good on me." His arm found it way around my waist and my body turned to him. "I should have told you... I shouldn't have used you as an excuse either..."

"It's ok, I get why you did..." He pulled the band out of my hair, the wet strands falling down my back, his finger playing with the ends. I leaned into him ever so slightly, and shrugged my shoulders before I pressed my lips to his. Our bodies stiffening against each other, our lips moving in equal measure. His mouth on mine, gasping for any bits of air we could. My fingers running over the freshly cropped buzz of his hair. Wanted to pull him closer, needed him closer. My desire for him starting in my heart and pumping like blood though my body.

Pressed between his body and the mattress, acutely aware that the only thing between Will and my nakedness is this robe.

Like the coffee and the toothpaste Will and I had been working towards a functional relationship. But we had stalled, after I had a mini breakdown weeks ago; Will's mouth on my breasts was apparently a trigger I was not ready to deal with.

Since that day this was the most intense connection I felt with him for weeks, he had shied away from touching me; a worry and a relief.

"Amy, if you want to stop…you just tell me so…" His voice was horse and his mouth was quickly back on mine. His body gently rocking against me, he pulled the robe off my shoulder and pressed his lips to it. He looked up at me and smiled, and then pulled his shirt over his head throwing it to the ground.

I ran my hands over his back, from the bottom to the top. My fingers lingering over his round scars. I loved trailing my hands over his body, learning him in a way that I couldn't know anyone else. He tugged on the tie of the robe, pulling on the loose knot until it opened. I gasped as the hairs on his stomach and chest, rubbed against my bare skin. Electrifying it.

"Will… kiss me…" I pulled his face to mine, and his mouth consumed me. This was as far as we had ever come, his erection rubbing against my core, the cotton of his sweat pants, chafing me.

My mind began to go blank… No not now… I could feel it, the bubble of fear. I pulled my mouth away from his, knowing that a meltdown would set us back again. I couldn't let that happen.

"Will… Stop." There was a small growl in the back of his throat at he rolled off of me. We laid side by side on the bed breathless. I pulled the robe back around me, and crossed my arms across my chest.

"Will… I'm sorry.. I know you are mad…"

"I am not mad at you… I just hate this… I hate that he was the last person to touch you. That you keep denying your body pleasure and release. You are punishing yourself for something that is not your fault." His hands were in his hair, his palms pressing into his temples and he growled again, trying to release his frustration.

I rolled over on my side, awash with shame and confusion. He was right, I was punishing myself, denying myself. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the ache between my thighs and in my chest.

"Tell me…what you would do…"

"What?"

"I need to visualize it, like when I walked into your studio that first day. Tell me what you would do… to me…" Will inched his body towards mine, my back to his front and resting the length of his arm on my thigh, lifting the fabric of the robe with his middle and fore finger.

"I would kiss you… I always want to kiss you. I love when you moan, just these little sounds that escape from your mouth. I love it when you say my name. I would kiss every part of you, run my tongue down the length of your body until I could taste you."

"Will…" My breath as hitched, my chest heaving.

"Can you see it, my head between your legs, my mouth on you? Can you feel it? Tell me what it feels like…" Pressure beings to build inside of me, a yearning and a need that I hate to admit that I have. A need that has caused me so much pain, so much indescribable pain.

"It feels like my body is going to explode…"

"And just when you are about to explode, I slide my finger into you. You are so tight but so wet, so I slide a second finger and you cry out, coming around them." Will's erection is pressing against me, and I can feel the wetness of my sex seeping out of me. I am just on the verge of telling Will to touch me, needing him to touch me. But there is something tethering me to the past, holding me back, my mind drifting off again. I can hear his voice…haunting me… and then Will's voice breaks through…

"Amy, baby…stay with me." _Stay with him… Stay with Will… breathe and stay. _I inhale deeply, trying to work up the courage. Trying to stay and move forward. I push aside my fears, and the ghosts that want to take me away.

I take Wills hand in mine and guide it over my breast. I moan when he gives it a squeeze, stretching my nipple until it puckers. He is kissing the back on my neck and then I guide his hand down the length of my body, over the ragged terrain of the scars on my belly until his hand can go no further: his fingers running thru the soft hairs the final barrier.

"Are you sure." I can't speak, I can only nod as his hand cups my sex, and then so slowly his fingers are rubbing me. Over and over, keeping a gentle rhythm. My breaths become labored and shallow, pleasure mixing with panic and a long forgotten but familiar feeling starts to grow and stretch from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I want to tell him to stop but my body won't allow it. Needing what is coming so badly, needing to be released from the prison I have created. I am moving with him now, my body making small circles, faster and faster.

"Amy… I want to hear you…" I wrap my hand around his wrist, needing something to grab onto. "Tell me Amy…"

"Harder… just right… yeah like that…Will…" I feel like I am in a trance, my mind separates from my body as the first wave hits me with a ferocity I have never experienced. I scream out his name, my body shaking as the next wave hits. My whole body tight, clenched no energy to give over to sound as I come for the first time in five years.


	40. Chapter 39 - White

This chapter is from Will's POV... going forward ant chapters from him will be titled White

* * *

I hear her scream out my name, and it hits me all at once that this is happening, Amy is finally letting go. My entire body is tight, on edge wondering if I am doing the right thing, hoping that this is going to make her better. I need this to make her better. I need her…

I feel wetness gush out of her around my fingers, her body shaking in my arms and despite all my fears and worries, making her come is one of the most fulfilling moments of my life. There is silence now, only her breathing, she is recovering from what I can only assume was an intense experience. I can't see her face, I can't read her eyes, I don't know what she is thinking or feeling. All I can do is what I know works, what has always worked; I touch her. I hold her tighter then I ever have before because what comes next is everything.

"Amy…" I whisperer her name, the wet strands of her hair brushing my lips. Having her so close, my fingers still gently moving over her, my hard-on pressing in to her back. I want to be inside of her, I want to look into her green eyes while she comes, I want to make every bad memory disappear. I want her, but wanting her comes with a price. Waiting.

I would wait forever, a fact I realized that when we were apart. I have always been able to get laid, go to a bar, find a girl, fuck and go home. It was a weekly occurrence. Those two months without Amy I couldn't even imagine holding another woman, kissing them, being inside. So I knew I could wait as long as it took. This was not about me, it was about her.

"Baby, it's ok. Let go." A gut twisting sob, came out of her. She was shaking, crying in my arms, each tear twisting me up. This is why I was afraid to push her, why I have pulled back these past few weeks. After what happened I couldn't risk it.

* * *

I was in a bad mood, it was the anniversary. The day that Maria died because of me, because of my weakness. Because of my addiction. Dino and my sponsor had called me to see if I was ok. I was ok… as I was going to be, as ok as this day would let me be. I didn't want to get high and that was the most important thing. I just felt on edge, that horrible day playing over and over in my head, the fog of my high clouding those memories. Scattered, fragment of moments flashing in my head; The sound of her scream, the searing pain as the bullets hit my flesh tearing through me, the withdrawal being in the hospital days later, the morphine not enough.

It all kept hitting me over and over again and I couldn't stop the memories from coming. I worked out twice and even that didn't help. I went through the motions of my day. Teaching my classes, working my books, paying bills. I even spent some time knocking around Irving in attempt to blow off some steam, release some tension.

Amy was up in my apartment, cooking dinner. I loved coming home to her, my place just felt different with her there. Like a home, instead of just my address. The staircase smelled like chicken and garlic and I knew that she made her mom's famous chicken. I started taking the steps two at a time, my mood already improving, my mouth watering. I found her perched in a chair, with her glasses on reading a book, her ear buds in listening to music.

She still covers herself up, top to bottom, never letting an inch of her skin show. Her scars… I am not sure how to feel about them, if I should touch them or not. If I should just ignore them and pretend they are not there, or to I embrace them. Some are worse then others, it's the ones on her stomach that make me the most crazy. The idea that she had a baby growing inside of her, and the father was capable of burning her over and over and over again. They are deep, dark scars like he pressed the full weight of his body onto the god forsaken curling iron into her flesh.

I want to scream just thinking about it. My poor girl enduring such pain. I want to beat Simon Archer to a bloody mess. The bite marks, the razor lines, the thin marks from the cane. Drip marks, from hot candle wax. All the bits and pieces she has allowed me to see. Her body is like a treasure map, all burned and broken around the edges, if I can just figure it out I know I can find the treasure. Lame I know…

Anyway, she is just sitting in this chair, engrossed in a book and I just want to kiss her. That is literally all I can think about. She looks up at me, sensing my presence and smiles and that is it. I make my way to her in as few steps as possible and kneel down in front of her chair. She sits up and closes her book. I take it from her, dropping it to the floor. I reach out and take out her ear buds and then because I can't wait another minute my lips are on hers. Kissing her is like the best part of my day. Her lips, her mouth, her tongue so tentative but so in the moment, she is always right there with me, until she's not. I hate those moments when I can feel her drifting away into the darkness.

But now, her glasses are off, her legs are around me, her hands in my hair, pulling it. I am doing my best to control my hard-on, trying to keep myself level and in control when all I want to do is stop thinking and release. I ignore the pain in my knees from the hard wood floors beneath me and focus on her.

She is saying my name between kisses and her breathy voice is pushing me over the edge I dangle off of on a daily basis. I lift her shirt over her head, her hair falling around her bare shoulders. My eyes wide, she is not wearing a bra or her usual tank top and I realize I have never seen her naked breasts before. They are full and lush, her skin so pale, her nipples pink. I run my tongue between the hollow of her throat and then because I just can't help myself I take her nipple into my mouth. She lets out a moan that I have never heard from her before, as I began to massage her other breast with my hand. I blow on her wet nipple and then begin to suck again.

And then I feel it, the pit forming in my stomach as the darkness takes her away from me. This is the worst it has ever been, usually she tells me to stop and I do before the word even fully leaves her mouth. But instead she lets out a scream and pushes me away, I fall back on to my ass as she runs away from me, locking her self in the bathroom. I hear the shower running mixed with her sobs and I can't get to her. She won't let me in.

* * *

Now she is sobbing again, my arms wrapped tightly around her and I know I have pushed her to far. She wasn't ready. Dalton told us, to be careful. To go slowly, to let it naturally happen. And I didn't listen… I pushed. Maybe I have broken her. Maybe she will never let me in.

After a while her crying stops, and her breathing returns to normal, I can feel her relax in my arms and I am just waiting for a sign that she is ok. She wiggles in my arms, and turns to face me. Her eyes bloodshot, her cheeks flushed. Her naked body, pressing against mine. She takes a deep breath, smiles and then utters one single word. "Again."


	41. Chapter 40 - Again

I am overwhelmed, my body still tingling but I also feel this huge sense of relief. I don't know what to do with all I am feeling, my mind is racing and then I hear Will's voice telling me to let go. So I do, I let go…The tears fall out of me, some are for sorrow; some are for sadness but most of them are joy. I feel overcome with happiness and I only have Will to thank. If not for him none of this would be possible. I would still be locked in my apartment, shutting myself off and alone. The days blending and blurring together, No light, no love, no touch.

He has stoked a fire in me in a place that I buried, a place that I never thought would exist again. I turned my body to his and I can see only worry on his face, concern and fear. I know what I want and what he needs to hear.

"Again." I don't give him a second to react, before I take over his mouth, wrapping it around his. He rolls above me, pushing the remainder of the robe off my body and I am laying under him completely naked for the first time, there is no where to hide. He is kissing my neck, and I can feel my core start to respond. He kisses my scars just above my breasts like he always does and somehow it makes them disappear. I notice that he freezes for a moment, and just avoids my breasts all together, leaning up to kiss my mouth again.

"Will…" He looks up at me with his eyes hooded, his face full of question. "Try it again."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I am sure." He puts his hand on my one breast and then licks the nipple of the other, just a small flick before he looks up at me, with his eyebrows raised. I laugh, at the absurdity of our situation and then take my hand to the back of his head nudging his mouth on to my nipple. He sucks it softly, and it feels so good. I push the memories and thoughts out of my head and focus on the pleasure. Before I can think I feel his fingers, pushing past my folds and rubbing my nub it a small circular motion. I push my hips up a bit, straining to feel more.

"Amy…" He runs his fingers, down from my nub to my opening. My eyes shoot open, as everything stops. He won't go forward until I tell him it is ok. I nod and he slowly pushes into me. "Baby, you are seriously tight, if it hurts you let me know." His finger is moving in and out of me, and his thumb is flicking my clit. I can feel it building and growing inside of me and then he slips in a second finger, a shot of pain mixes with immense pleasure and I come, loudly unable to contain any part of it. I can feel myself tighten and pulse around his fingers, that are stilled in me, his thumb just pressing on my nub that feels like it is going to explode. I am spent in any and every way possible. He pulls out of me, rubbing my nipple with his warm wet fingers, his breath just as uneven as mine.

"Baby are you ok?"

"I am more then ok Will. That was… I can't even…put into words… Thank you…" I laughed, loudly did I seriously just thank him. He starts laughing with me. It was as light and free as it has ever been between us. I want to freeze this moment, hold on to it. It is the second perfect moment we have shared and I am grateful that I am able to stop and enjoy it.

"Sleep?" I shook me head no. "Food?"

"Starving."

"Grilled cheese and soup?"

"Perfect."

He stood up slowly and extended his hand to me; pulling me off the bed. I could see his eyes, looking over my nakedness and I felt self conscious. I quickly pulled the robe off the bed and wrapped it around my body.

"Amy…"

"I know, I know Will. I am working on it…"

"That you are. Get dressed and I will get started on lunch."


	42. Chapter 41 - Tattoos

Hey Everyone-

First I just wanted to thank you all for the great song ideas, I have a lot of listening to do... Also keep them coming...

I am having laptop issues so I might only be able to post one chapter tonight... Sorry guys... If i can get ot fixed I will be sure to post the 2 others I have done... For this reason I cant respond to reviews tonight... but I WILL catch up, I really enjoy talking to you guys and getting the live feedback as I am writing is kind of amazing...

There has been a lot of questions about Will's backstory... I was not planning on digging to deep into his past but if you guys want it... I will be more then happy to do it... I love writing in his voice... so much easier then Simons...

If you have any questions or thoughts, requests... drop me a PM... I will respond!

Thank you for reading... I had a really high response to these last 3 chapters...

xoxo PPP

* * *

Will is bare chested in the kitchen, flipping the grilled cheeses. The kitchen smelling of brown butter, burnt cheese and tomato soup when I finally appear, sitting on what has become my barstool. I feel a soreness at my core and I smile at the reason why. Will is the reason. I sit and stare, I am in awe of him; his lean frame, the wide spread of his shoulders, his height, the tattoos that I have spent hours figuring out. It is done in a Japanese style, but the content is more haunting. Waves that are really a spiral staircase, fish, stormy clouds and rays of light. A women, and a demon, an angel. It is so detailed I could look at it for days and still find something new.

He smiles setting a plate and bowl in front of me and I wait for him to sit before I start eating. He sits next to me, resting his hand on my knee giving it a squeeze and takes a huge bite of his sandwich.

"How long did your tattoos take?" I ask him quietly before I enjoy a spoonful of soup.

"A while, many many sittings. Why?"

"They are just so intricate. They must have hurt."

"Yeah, I guess…I mean yeah they hurt but you know that going in. Its kinda the point."

"Who designed them?" He popped the last bit of sandwich into his mouth before he answered, chewing slowly, very slowly.

"I did."

"You drew them?" My eyes widened in shock, I had no idea this was something he could do.

"Yeah, in rehab… we had these art classes. Turns out I had a hidden talent." He never talked about his time in rehab, never talked about his addiction until today. I looked at him thru a different lens, there was so much about him that was still unknown. "What is that look Amy?"

"No look." I turned my body away from him and went back to my soup.

"There was most certainly a look…Spill."

"Its just… that sometimes… I feel like…you don't…trust me or something." His entire face changed, eyes wide, jaw slacked.

"You can't really think that Amy, come on.'

"I don't know, you just keep so much of yourself hidden."

"Didn't we already cover this today. I am working on it. It's not in my nature to just talk, to open up. Actually it goes against everything I was trained to do. To say less instead of more, to listen and to learn, to compartmentalize and move forward. But I am trying Amy…" For a second he looked so lost, like a child. My heart broke for him. I stood up, my body between his opened legs and wrapped my arms around him. I rested my head on his shoulder and he exhaled, linking his arms behind my back. I squeezed him as hard as I could, feeling his erection pressing into me. The guilt that I felt, it didn't go away. I wanted to touch him, take him into my mouth, into my body. I wanted him to fill me, stretch me. To make any memory of Simon disappear. But the thought just the idea of that was enough to send me running for the nearest shower. I felt selfish, and stupid. He had just made me come twice and I could not do the same in kind.

"I am sorry Will."

"For what?" I pulled away slightly and pointed down.

"For that." He burst out laughing, a full belly laugh, I could feel the vibration through my body. He pulled me close and gave me a long closed mouthed kiss on the lips.

"That you don't have to be sorry for. I have a class at three, I am gonna hit the shower." He started to clean up but I told him I would do it as I watched him walk away. I thought of him naked, the water beating down on his body, relieving himself of that huge hard on and I started to get breathless. I forced my mind back to the task at hand, doing the dishes.


	43. Chapter 42 - White

Computer issues solved... it has set me back a bit... I was hand writing chapters... I felt like Jane Austen.

Thanks for your reviews and PM's, I have caught up with some and not all... still working on it. Posting several chapters tonight so ENJOY!

* * *

I am grateful for the escape, I close the bathroom door behind me and I feel relief. Amy's questions, her thinking that I don't trust her, that she thinks I am hiding from her… _Just relax Will, just relax. How can I relax when Amy wants to know… _She wants to know everything that I have tried to forget.

Everyday I fight the battle, this hunger that is always there, always chewing away at me. I fight it, I ignore it, I kick it's ass everyday. I have no choice because the flipside is a fate far worse then death. It is nights that never end, heightened sights and sounds, this feeling like nothing can stop you. Not a punch, not a brick wall not even a bullet. And you chase that feeling; You chase that moment where everything goes away and you feel like anything and everything is possible because in you drug induced mind, it is. Until you wake up in a motel room, a park, in Vegas, in an ICU room, or you don't wake up at all.

My sponsor keeps telling me to work the steps, because they work. But everyone I would need to make an amends with is dead. Amy wants to know and she has the right to, she deserves to know what she is getting. She as opened up to me, told me her past. I know that it's only fair that I tell her mine but I am worried that she will see me differently after she knows.

God, Amy. I have to tell her, I want to tell her.

I turned the water as hot as I could stand it, my arm outstretched, palm flat on the cold tile. Leaning into the stream of water, letting it beat down on my head and neck. What a fucking day it has been, a simple phone call has unfolded into all of this.

I want to jerk off, badly. Let me rephrase… I need to jerk off, badly. But the idea that Amy is in the other room some how makes me feel like a dirty old man. I can still hear her, moaning, saying my name, the shallowness of her breath as she came. It is playing in my head like a song you don't know the words to just the melody. My already hard cock, throbbing just at the thought of it. I finally can't take it another second, and I finally surrender to feeling like a dirty old man and wrap my hand around my hard on. I pump over it slowly, my mind thinking about Amy's breasts in my mouth, my fingers inside of her. She was so tight, I don't know if what I have going on will ever even fit inside of her; and the thought of causing her an ounce of pain… No don't go there, refocus…your cock… Amy's nipples…

I feel a shot of cold air, as the shower curtain is slowly pushed back, Amy appears and smiles before stepping into the shower behind me. Before I can react, she pressed her naked body to mine, and wraps her arms around my waist, her hands drifting up over my abs and then to my chest, her thumbs rubbing my nipples slowly.

"I didn't want you to do this alone… just because I can't…you know…Just don't turn around OK?" her voice is low and husky, tentative. I can tell that she is still convincing her self that this is what she wants to do.

I am at a complete loss of words, shock is not even the word to describe what I am feeling. What it must have taken for her just to work up the nerve, the trust she must have for me.

"Baby are you sure?" She kissed my back, my shoulders. Small soft kisses on my wet skin, mixed with her one hand on my hip, just above my cock and her other hand pinching my nipple. I want to turn around lift her up and bury myself inside of her. I want to make her scream my name over and over again.

I start pumping my cock again, over and over. The pressure building, I stop for a second wanting this to last, and run my thumb over my sensitive tip, over and over again. I can her hear breath behind me and I can tell she is just as turned on as I am. She says my name once and I start pumping aging this time faster.

"Baby, touch yourself, come with me." I growl at her, hoping I don't scare her. She removes her hand from my hip and now I can feel it bumping against the back of my thigh. The sound of her moans, pushing me forward. He hand tightens around my waist, her nails digging into me just slightly. I start to come, it takes over me. My ears are wringing, I feel dizzy.

"Fuck, Amy…" She is getting louder and louder behind me, until she finally yells out my name again.

We are standing there, spent. Amy is leaning against me, both arms wrapped tightly around my waist and I am leaning against the wall. I couldn't move even if I wanted to. If I could have stayed in this place with her forever I would have.


	44. Chapter 43 - Darkness

"Breathe…Fucking breathe…" I looked back at the reflection in her bathroom mirror, and I couldn't recognize my face, my eyes, my voice. My fist clenched, covered in dried blood, I am not sure if it was mine her hers. I turned on the water to drown out this buzzing in my head and watched as the bloody water swirled down the drain. The blood was Amy's and I felt satisfied my that fact. _Who was this person and what did I do? What I am doing? She left me…she left me alone… no calls… no words… no light… What is happening? She gave away my flowers… She disconnected her phone… She let her cousin Jeff hug her, when I told her no man was allowed to… _

I just wanted to see her, to talk to her. I just wanted to be close to her again and to convince Amy, my Amy that she was mine. Only mine. But she won't listen, and now the time for talking is over. Now I take back what is mine.


	45. Chapter 44 - Balls

I was standing in small the airport, waiting for his jet to come in. Frankie was sitting next to me, his eyes scanning the room; always on alert. Simon had been gone nearly two weeks, things in Hong Kong turned out to be harder and even more complicated that he initially planned. He appeared like a dream through the gates, his eyes scanning the room for mine. Our eyes locked and I felt what I had been missing, that all consuming fire when I was near him. I ran to him, his arms spread open to me, as our bodies collided. Tears in my eyes as he kissed me, held me.

"I never want to be apart like that again Amy. Next time you are coming with me and I will hire an Army to protect you." He kissed me again and then turned his attention to Frankie. "Did she give you any trouble."

"No Sir, surprisingly not." They both chuckled and Frankie handed him a hundred dollar bill. My eyes shot open in shock.

"You won me a hundred bucks Love."

"You had a bet?"

"That we did."

"To see if I would…"

"Behave yourself when I was away, I said you would Frankie said you would be a handful. I won he lost." I turned to Frankie with a scowl on my face.

"A handful Huh!?"

"Well, you are a handful on a normal day…"

"Come on Love lets go home."

We slid into the town car, an no sooner then the door closed, Simon was kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt dress, kissing the tops of my breast popping out of my bra. . Frankie got in, raised the darkened glass divide and we started our drive back into Manhattan.

"I missed you so much Love…" He unbuttons his fly, a kisses me between his words. "I know we had our phone calls but it just was not the same."

My hands on him now, his dick hard. I know what he wants. It is what I want. I shimmy down, sideways on the seat on all fours my ass in the air. He pulls my dress up and smack my ass hard. I yelp on impact, this was a playful slap not a controlling one. I smile at him, our eyes locked as I take him in my mouth, and he let out a moan that reassures me he was faithful in China. I know he likes a slow blow job, he wants to be as deep in my mouth as possible. Simon likes to weave his hands in my hair, a push me down just a little bit further then I am willing to go on my own. I am sucking him with careful, measured strokes, his dick pulsing and twitching in my mouth. I lick the tip, flicking my tongue in his hole and graze it with my teeth before I take the fully length of him again and again. I can taste, his pre-jack and I know it is coming, I grab his balls giving them a firm squeeze and a tiny twist and he comes, moaning my name over and over. I hate to swallow, (everyone woman hates it. And if she says otherwise she is a lying) but I do it for him because to stop his orgasm midway is just cruel and unusual. He fills my mouth with his thick salty fluid and I struggle to swallow it, but I do and keep a smile on my face. He rests his head back, panting, a sheen of sweat on his upper lip. I feel a twinge of pride because for a few minutes I had the power.


	46. Chapter 45 - Away

"So how do you feel Amy?" I was back in Dalton's office, I needed to be there, everything that had happened with Will yesterday kinda came crashing down in me in a four hour delay.

"Well, I mean I feel worried. Really really worried." I was twisting the ring on my middle finer over and over, Dalton stared at me for a moment raised his eyebrows and I immediately stopped.

"That is an interesting choice of words, what are you worried about?"

"That I won't be able to touch him back."

"You were touching him in the shower, you have touched him before."

"Yes but not his… penis… what if I won't be able to have actual sex with him. Because despite what happened yesterday, and how amazing it was. I don't think I can separate Simon from sex. What if I cant separate Simon from Will."

"Ah, I see."

"What the hell does that mean… Ahhh… I see?" I crossed my arms, mocking his tone and inflection. He let out a small chuckle and shook his head.

"Well…when Will was touching you were you thinking about Simon?"

"No, not really…Thank God no. I would have these moments though, of panic that I would talk myself down from. Like this force pulling me away…But sex actual sex with Simon when we were together and happy was confusing on its own. I don't know if I would have been so apt to start a sexual relationship after Simon if those four days never would have happened. He made sex amazing and also scary. But when I close my eyes, and it's just me alone. I can relive every moment of those twenty one times. For every notch in my skin, I remember what each line means and what it was for. I don't know if I can separate the two."

"Sex from Simon."

"Yes… there is no visualization in the world that can do that for me is there?" I could feel my cheeks burn and the tears well up in my eyes. He sat back in his chair and looked at me intently.

"That is what we need to work on then… separating sex from Simon. We have come thus far Amy, this is just one more hurdle to cross."

"I am just so tired of running and jumping hurdles."

"I know. But we are nearing the finish line." He reached over and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. "A year ago doing this would have been out of the question, you never thought you would fall in love again, that you could be touched, that you could orgasm, and you have been able to do all of those things. There is no reason I can see not to do this as well." He was trying to be reassuring but I wasn't really listening. I had something on my mind and I needed to get it out.

"I feel like I need some time away from Will." I blurted it out more loudly and quickly then necessary. Dalton's eyebrows shot up in surprise, his hand releasing mine to make a note in his book. "I feel like I am falling back into old patterns. I stay at his place more them mine, I get jumpy if too long goes without seeing him. I think I am depending on him too much. Like I need him too much. The lines between how I feel for Will and what I felt for Simon are starting to blur I think. I don't know. Maybe I am just scared and freaking out.

"No lets explore this. If you are feeling it… Why don't you take a few days and be on your own. Go to the store, have dinner with your parents in a restaurant. You have girls night with Laurel next week… let that be the end point."

"I have dinner tomorrow with Will and his sister and brother in law…."

"Ok, so you go, but then go home afterwards. See how you feel after a week, we can discuss it on Thursday, the midway point."


	47. Chapter 46 - White

Hey Everyone... So I just wanted to give a shout out to BauerJuliette, for her dead on review... Picking up that Will said "Amy, if i am doing my job right you will need to come..."in the first chapter when the meet. I am so glad you did!

Also, I am posting several chapters tonight, i have been really excited to share these with you. I think i am most proud of these upcoming chapters then anything i have ever written, so I cant wait to hear your feedback.

Thank you to everyone with have added this story as a favorite... Thank you all who reviewed and PMed, still responding, about half way thru...

Do you guys think changing the description might bring in more readers?

On a personal note, I got promoted this week so... Celebrating tomorrow and Company function (unrelated to my promotion Saturday) So I wont be posting any new chapters till Sunday night. Sorry but i think what I am posing to night will keep you!

Thank you all again!

* * *

When I was a kid my mom took off, she met another man and hightailed it to Florida. I was eleven and Trace was nine. From that day forward dad took care of us. He retired early from the force, even though he loved his job, lived for it. I think that was the day he started to die. He gave up the thing he loved more then all other things, except he loved his kids just a little more I guess.

Years later my father said he knew in his bones that mom was leaving, there was something in her face, her smile her eyes that pulled at his heart every time he saw her. He ignored it for weeks until finally he came home one night and her bags were packed. I guess after that I figured love doesn't last, it exists and then it dies like just every other living thing. So I didn't put to much stock into it. I focused on my job, my friends and the girls I would meet one night to the next.

And then I saw Amy.

Dino had told me about her, months before. The girl from the news, the one who was tortured by the millionaire. I was never one for watching T.V. but for a while, you couldn't go a day without someone talking about this story. I remember it turning my stomach, how certain news outlets would leak details and get "expert" opinions about what had happened and why. They way I saw it, there was on two people who knew what happened. Amy and Archer everything else was an excuse to sell air time and papers.

Dino asked me to help her, to train her to teach her how to defend herself as a favor to him. Seeing how he is the reason I was even alive and well, a functioning member of society I would have never said no. So I waited and waited but she never showed up and it fell off my radar.

Then one day in October I looked up and she was sitting there. At first I had no clue who she was, I just remember thinking that girl looks lost. Not lost like she didn't belong, lost like she needed some direction. I imagine that's how I looked the day Dino took me into rehab.

She sat the quietly doing everything in her power to not draw attention to herself. To fade into the background. It wasn't until the class let out and I was a few feet away from her that I got this strange, I don't know… I want to say feeling but it wasn't a feeling… it was a knowing… a knowing that she was supposed to be right where she was and so was I. And then she looked at me with these sad, lonely green eyes, and I was done. I didn't know it at the time, but I was done. I could see everything that had happened, everything she had gone through, everything right there in that moment and I knew I wanted to make it better.

She wasn't the prettiest girl I had ever seen, she wasn't the thinnest, I couldn't tell if her boobs were large or small. If she had a nice ass, if she had a small waist. Her hair was pulled back and under a cap, she could have been bald for all I knew… None of that mattered. None of it.

I would later come to learn that she was in fact the most beautiful women I had ever seen, her boobs were amazing, she has cute ass with these three dimples in her right but cheek that I want to bite every time I see them. I could run my fingers through her hair for hours and do nothing else.

But there are also scars, on nearly every part of her body, textured imperfections and I would love to say that I don't see them. But I do, and I see every moment that lead to them. I see every tear and every drop of blood. That is the reason, I have to keep her safe because now that I have seen them, now that I know… Archer will never be able to touch her again. That is her greatest fear and mine. Not just his touches from the past but the ones from our unknown future. That is what keeps me up nights, long after my girl has fallen asleep. Trying to put myself in his head, what he is planning? What is coming next? It is something that Dino and I have spent hours discussing and planning for. But how do you plan or the unknown? You don't.

The day I met Amy is the day that days started to matter. It was the day she showed me her scars that I fell in love with her. Actually I fell in love with her that first day, but the day she showed me her scars was the first day I admitted it.

The day she told me everything that Archer had done to her was the best and worst day of my life. It was the day that my nightmares were confirmed but it was also the day that I was able to kiss Amy for the first time. She didn't understand it then( and maybe she still doesn't) there is nothing she can say or to do make me stop loving her. If she asked me to leave her alone, I would, but I would love her still. That was the day I knew that we were going to be ok. That one day in a far off time and place we would have a life together with out fear or panic or pain. And that day came sooner then I could have hoped for.

The day she let me hold her while she slept. The day I held her hand walking to a restaurant. The day we watched a boxing match with her family and the father Billy called me son, no one had call me that since my father died. The day I made her come for the first second and third times. All these days counted, none of them really did before. And now there was today, a day that everything changed between Amy and I and thing would never be the same.

There was something off, I felt it in my chest. She sent me a text, she never sends me texts. We always talk either on the phone or even better in person. So not only is she texting me she is also telling me that she does not want to see me and the floor falls out from under me because I know what that means. I read the truth between the lines. My greatest fear is that she won't be able to separate me from Archer, that her feelings for him with overlap on to me. That she will look at me and see him. The closer we get, the more intimate we become the more she will push me away.

She is running away from me and I can't chase her because to chase her is to lose her good. I would rather lose her now then lose her forever. Losing her is the real fate worse then death, because I will have to let her go. The idea grows inside of me like a weed. My whole body starts longing for what will only cause it pain, so I do what I know works. I punch, I kick, I focus…Left, Right, Right… I can feel the tension start to ease out of me, just as the hunger starts to fade. I keep going though, wanting it to leave my body completely. Every drip of sweat, every grunt is saving me from myself.

Amy walks tentatively into my studio, and I know. I feel it in my bones…there is something in her face, her smile, her eyes that pulling at my heart and I know…


	48. Chapter 47 - Battles

I walked into the studio Friday morning feeling uneasy, uncertain. I was going to wait until after dinner to tell Will that we should spend a little time apart. It was nerve wracking enough having to meet his family, I didn't need anything else hanging over my head. I had also skipped our usual Thursday night dinner. I sent him a text that I had a hard session with Dalton and was exhausted. I didn't have the guts to call him, or hear his voice knowing I wouldn't be able to cancel if I did. I spent the night curled up in my bed, feeling lonely and lost and the all too familiar feeling of desperation. The void growing inside of me.

* * *

That night I dreamed of Simon. The Simon I thought I knew, the Simon I thought I loved. His voice haunting me, a poem. A weekend on the shores of Long Island. My head tucked under his chin, his fingers lazily making patterns over my shoulder and arm. His long legs crossed, the salt and ocean in his hair, his reddened bronzed skin that caught the days sun. Book in is hand, reading to me in the dim light of the setting sun. The sound of the ocean behind us, and gulls croaking, the breeze and the scent of honeysuckle almost past it's prime. His voice low, just above a whisper…

And because love battles  
not only in its burning agricultures  
but also in the mouth of men and women,  
I will finish off by taking the path away  
to those who between my chest and your fragrance  
want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse  
they will tell you, my love,  
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies  
before I got to know you  
and I did not wait love but I was  
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?  
I am neither good nor bad but a man,  
and they will then associate the danger  
of my life, which you know  
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger  
is danger of love, of complete love  
for all life,  
for all lives,  
and if this love brings us  
the death and the prisons,  
I am sure that your big eyes,  
as when I kiss them,  
will then close with pride,  
into double pride, love,  
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before  
to wear down the tour  
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,  
and they will say: "The one  
you love,  
is not a woman for you,  
Why do you love her? I think  
you could find one more beautiful,  
more serious, more deep,  
more other, you understand me, look how she's light,  
and what a head she has,  
and look at how she dresses,  
and etcetera and etcetera".

And I in these lines say:  
Like this I want you, love,  
love, Like this I love you,  
as you dress  
and how your hair lifts up  
and how your mouth smiles,  
light as the water  
of the spring upon the pure stones,  
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me  
but only not to lack during every day of life.  
I don't know anything about light, from where  
it comes nor where it goes,  
I only want the light to light up,  
I do not ask to the night  
explanations,  
I wait for it and it envelops me,  
And so you, bread and light  
And shadow are.

You came to my life  
with what you were bringing,  
made  
of light and bread and shadow I expected you,  
and Like this I need you,  
Like this I love you,  
and to those who want to hear tomorrow  
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,  
and let them back off today because it is early  
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them  
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf  
which will fall on the earth  
like if it had been made by our lips  
like a kiss which falls  
from our invincible heights  
to show the fire and the tenderness  
of a true love.

To show the fire and tenderness of a true love… I woke up with those words in my head, lingering, taunting me. The poem that I committed to memory long ago, entering my dreams, holding me there in that moment with Simon. The gap was closing, it was only a matter of time before I would face him again. Hear his voice in person, not just the version that lived in my head.

To show the fire and tenderness of a true love…

* * *

I saw Will in the back, punching at Irving, with an intensity, an anger, a determination I have not seen before. I watched him for a while, quietly. With each punch I could feel his pain, his inner struggle that he kept hidden. I could feel it tearing thru him, as it tore thru me. He needed saving as much as I did, maybe even more. My pain was on the surface, where it could be seen by anyone. Will's pain was buried deep, a pain that could only be found if you were looking and you knew where to look.

I called out his name softly and as if I lulled him out of a trace he turned to me, his body sweaty, his muscles tight. He smiled, just the corners of his mouth lifting when he saw me, but his eyes were still plagued with sadness.

"Hey, there you are…"

"It's ten on a Friday, where else would I be." I did my best to sound bright and cheerful, trying to improve his mood with my own.

"I just didn't think I would see you today… or any day…" I closed the distance between us, giving myself a moment to respond.

"Will, don't say that. I just needed a night."

"I can feel it, you drifting away from me. I can see it in your eyes Amy. I can feel it here." He put his hand on his chest over his heart. "I am going to cancel with my sister tonight…"

"Will… It's just I can't give you what you need. I thought that I could but I am just not sure I can."

"I uh, only need you Amy." The sadness in his voice, the slump of his broad shoulders, the light and warmth in his eyes replaced with regret and fear. And I was the cause of it all.

"I just need some time…"

"Ok. Take all the time you need. I mean there is not much more I can say."

"Will, please understand…"

"I do… I really do… You should go Amy, you don't want to be here. You should go." He turned away from me, his footsteps the only sound, thru his office and up the metal stair case to his apartment. Every step pulling my heart out of my chest, breaking my ribs, tearing my skin. I couldn't move, or think or breathe. I was destroying us, and I had no idea why. But Will knew, he took one look at my face and he knew. I stood there paralyzed, not sure if I should stay or leave, not wanting to do either one. Then this small voice in my head got louder and louder. Telling me to go… to move my feet… to run… and so I did.

* * *

** Poem:And because love battles by Pablo Neruda


	49. Chapter 48 - Light

I bounded up the stairs to his apartment, his door left open. I found Will in his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands. The light was streaming in his room, wrapping around his body, he glowed. It was the light that drew me to him, his soul, his heart. He called out to my soul, my heart the moment we met. Broken pieces finding each other, ragged edges fitting together perfectly. As if they were the same heart and the same soul. And I knew, I knew with every part of me that Will was not an obsession or a need, he was not to be feared or repressed. He was the one. He was the reason. He was the fire and tenderness of a true love…

I stood in front of him, his wide eyes full of pain and lifted my sweat shirt over my head. Next I removed, my sneakers and slid off my sweat pants.

"Amy…" I leaned down and kissed him softly.

"Shhhh…" I took off my sports bra, and slid off my panties, standing there before him naked. All my skin, all my scars, all of me was before him. He pulled me to him, pressing his head against my belly, his hands cradling my rear and we both cried. All the fear leaving my body with each falling tear. The light wrapping us up together, keeping us safe, making us whole.

"Will, I want you to make love to me…"

"Amy…I want you to make love to me…"

He released me and I laid back on the bed. He stood, and removed his tee-shirt and sweat pants; stepping out of his boxer briefs. He eased his body over mine, my legs wrapping around his lower back. I felt the full weight of him, as I ran my hands along his back. His soft lips on mine, kissing me slowly, deeply in a way we have never kissed before. He stared kissing my neck, then lowering his head taking my nipple in his mouth, a growl vibrating against the sensitive flesh. I could feel the slickness of my sex growing, as his tongue dipped into my belly button. He kissed each of my twenty three scars, with the touch of his lips they vanished from my body, from my mind. And then, I couldn't take it another moment, he spread my folds and his mouth was on me, licking me, sucking me, tasting me. His fingers scissoring and stretching me, making me slick and ready for him. My fingers interwoven with his hair, my head thrown back against the pillows, raising my hips to meet him. I could feel every part of my being, every cell, every atom of my body was pulsing, growing, bursting. I exploded, shocked my the sounds that were escaping from my mouth. A demon being exorcized from my body. Before I had time to collect myself, Will's mouth was back on mine, I could taste everything he had tasted, as he teased my mouth with his tongue.

I reached down, and wrapped my hand around his thick heavy cock and stroked it gently. His eyes closed at my touch, a smile on his face.

"Amy… I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't…" I tilted my hips up, pressing my core to his. "Please Will…" I took his face in my hands and drew him to me. He parted my legs wider, and slowly edged his way in side of me. I clenched out of fear and pain, he stopped. Panic in his eyes. I could feel myself ripping and stretching to accommodate his girth. But the pleasure far outweighed the pain.

"No, don't pull out." I relaxed my muscles around him, our breathing matched, our eyes locked as he pushed further into me. Filling me, claiming me as I claimed him. There would be no others. He began moving slowing, inside of me, pulling out almost entirely only to fill me once more, again. Every stoke bringing us closer, joining us together.

"I love you Amy…" His breathless voice drifting around me.

"I love you Will…" His hands eased under my body, lifting me off the bed my back arching, his pace quickened but not his force; His lips on mine, moaning into each other mouths. I felt the warmth of him filling me, as I burst into molecules, scattering around the room; Calling out his name and he mine.


	50. Chapter 49 - Ransom

Hello all! I am back! Had a great weekend but it went way to quickly...

In an effort to bring more viewers to this story I started a new FSOG FF today, using CHristain and Ana as my inspiration. Please check it out and follow... Hopefully thins with get the die hards liking my style and take a chance on Darkness and White.

I have abunch of reviews and PM's to respond to, wow thank you all for your AMAZING responses and stories. I cant wait to get back to talking to you all!

I hope you enjoy this chapter... Its a look into Simons past...Only one chapter tonight... Its hard to edit witha two day hangover... lololol

xoxo PPP

* * *

It is late or early depending in how you look at it. Simon is asleep, I can hear his shallow breaths, and scattered snores. I pulled my self away from him slowly, not wanting to wake him. The two weeks he was away from me I didn't sleep at all, not real sleep. I was restless and anxious and now he was back and the feelings were still there. I stood at the balcony doors, the city lights the only illumination on this dark moonless night. My muscles in my legs and back ached, my rear was sore, my wrist tight from being stretched. My sex was burning, he was rough tonight, more so then usual. The time and distance apart was to much to bare. As it was happening, I was enjoying it, the pain the pleasure but now with only the silence and my thoughts I am not so sure.

I didn't die without Simon, my life went on. I ached without him but it was bearable, tolerable and if I am being honest it was a relief not having him around. Not having to manage or deal with his moods, his unmitigated need for sex, his desire to make me come at any cost. I could live without him, without his darkness, I just hoped he could live without me.

I was not sure how much of this I could take, what was the end game where was this going. He loves me and then he does not trust me. He hates his father and never want him or any other man to touch me. He misses me and then he fucks me. I am losing touch with myself, I am giving to much of it away. And if or when this ends I will have nothing left.

For all his money and beauty, for all his pride and strength there is something broken in him, something that he wont let me touch. Something that he wont let me see and that is the part of him that scares me the most because it is unknown.

I need to leave him now while I still can, while I still have the part of me left that is able to do it. I tighten my arms around my body and shiver even though its not cold.

"Love…Amy…" I hear him call out, panic in his voice. I turn to him seeing his head dart around the room trying to find me. He finally locks on to my silhouette in the darkness and I can see him relax against the headboard. I sit beside him and run my fingers through his hair; he grabs my hand bringing it to his mouth kissing it. "I thought you left, I thought you were gone."

"I am here Simon, I am here." His hands tighten around my wrist and I wince.

"Did I hurt you tonight, did I?" He is kissing my wrist now, in an act of contrition.

"No more then usual. Simon I don't understand you, I don't understand any of this… one minute you are ordering me to hurt you… the next minute you are hurting me and then you are like this… I just wish I knew what was going on. I don't think I can do this…" He takes me in his arms, his hands at the back of my neck in my hair. I can feel the desperation, the longing, the need in him.

"Please don't say that. I can't… I can't live without you…"

"And I can't live like this Simon… I feel like you are stranger…" I tried to pull away from him, but he gut held me tighter. "Please let me go."

"I can't let you go, you will leave…"

"Tell me why you are like this…Why you need it to be like this… Is it because I am not enough?"

"No Love, no… I…I was fifteen and my grandfather had just died. It made international news. We were still living in England… My parents and my sister and I were on T.V. and in the news. The Archer billion dollar empire being passed on to my father, solely. That his brother Grant was cut out completely. That's where it all started… All the attention in the news caused a domino effect. I was kidnapped for ransom, a week later. My father, didn't tell anyone, not my mother, not the Scotland Yard, not the police, he said it was because that what the kidnappers wanted but I always believed it was because he didn't want any more media scrutiny. He hired his own people to find me and kept putting the kidnappers off. He didn't want the media getting wind of it… he was in the middle of taking over his empire and he left me to rot…"

"Simon…" I had met Miles Archer and he didn't seem that cold, that calculating that diabolical. Yes he was arrogant, and strong willed but there was a kindness and warmth to him that even Simon lacked.

"Two weeks, I was held captive. They wanted fifty million dollars wired into a Swiss bank account, two convicts that had escaped from jail, Russians. Looking for a big pay day. But what they didn't know, what no body knew was that my grandfather's estate was in probate, Grant contesting the validity of the will and all of the money was frozen. Everyday my father delayed, they would torture me and send him the videos…" The horror spread through me, he was just a boy. To endure what he endured.

"Simon did they…" He shuddered in my arms, a cold chill ran through me, already knowing the answer to my question. Tears welling in my eyes, my poor Simon. This is why he was in the darkness, this is why he needed to control and be controlled. This is how we got here.

"Yes they did… they both did…over and over again…"

"But they found you? The men your father hired?"

"No… I killed one of them and made my escape while the other went to get takeaway. I bit through his jugular… the other one I tracked down in South Africa, ten year later…" The chilling smile on his face, pride mixed with vengeance; It could be seen even in the darkness of the room the surrounded us.

"I called my father from a pay phone, I was fifteen miles away… his men came and collected me. Cleaned up the mess that was left behind and we never talked about it again. Under rug swept."

"Simon I can't imagine, being held captive like that…"

"Do you understand now… do you see…"

"I do…I want to help you…"

"You are helping me… you do help me… you are my light Amy… You are my light…"


	51. Chapter 50 - Darkness

I can hear her voice off in the distance, she is calling out to me. I watch from the house as she waves, a broad smile on her beautiful face. Her red bikini almost hidden by my pale blue chambray shirt, it falls to her knees and the bottom is wet. She is ankle deep in the ocean, the waves crashing against her legs. The salty air blowing thru her hair. How I long to be the ocean and the air, surrounding her. She wants me to join her, calling my name over and over again. I want to go, to hold her, to kiss her. To let the waves crash against us, to feel the sun on my face.

And then everything goes black, my Love is gone. I scream out to her calling her name over and over. I want to run and find her but I cant move, I am bound. My hands and feet tied with rope. I can hear their footsteps coming down the hall way to my windowless room. I start screaming. Loud uninhibited screams, until something is stuffed in my mouth and then all I feel is pain; their ripe hot breath on my neck, a mix of cigarettes and cheap vodka.

I woke up in my cell, covered in sweat but shaking. I had another dream. They are coming one after the other now, with no reprieve. I have to learn to control them, to control my screams or they will use it as a reason to keep me here, denying me the one thing that will keep the nightmares away. My Amy, my Love.


	52. Chapter 51 - Crayons

Will drove his F-150 the hour and half drive to his sisters sleepy town. Through the narrow winding roads, trees creating a tunnel of branches, new lime green leaves and buds. We passed a long calm inlet as the sun set behind us, the water glowing in pinks and yellows and oranges. If I wasn't in the midst of a freak out I could have enjoyed its untouched beauty.

A few short hours ago Will and I had made love. I allowed him inside and it changed me in a way I never expected it would. Any doubts, any fears I had about him, about us vanished. I knew who I was now, I knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew what love was, but I also knew what it could be. I saw only possibility for Will and I.

I squirmed in my seat, I was sore. Very very sore. Our hour long shower did nothing to help this situation, it only made us very late for dinner. I blushed thinking about it, seeing Will, feeling him.

I was also freaking out because I was so far from home. It may only be forty miles but in five years I had only left the ten mile radius from my front door once. To testify against Simon. I could feel it building inside of me, like it always did in times like this. I was overwhelmed. Too much was happening and changing all at once. The air in the truck went wafer thin and I cracked the window open, I fought the urge to stick my head out like a dog. Will reached over and grabbed my hand tightly. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Atta girl. Just take deep breaths." His voice was soothing me like a lullaby. Since we had been together, my panic attacks had been almost nil. Just having Will in the same room was enough to ward one off, but his voice and touch ensured they would stop dead in their tracks. "Talk to me baby, tell me what's happening."

"This is the furthest I have been from home in a while." I opened my eyes and turned my head to him.

"Baby, I am so sorry, I wasn't thinking. Do you want me to turn back." I was silent for a moment weighing my options.

"No, don't. Its just been an unexpected day."

"That it was." A shit-eating grin was plastered on his sweet face.

"Wipe that stupid smile off your face Will."

"I can't help it. I mean, I keep thinking about it over and over… and over and over… How you sound, how you taste, how it feels to be inside of you."

"Will…" I barely got his name out, I had been thinking about it too. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like that… You know what I am talking about."

"Ok, ok… we are almost there anyway." He looked like a scolded child and I shook my head and laughed.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For distracting me…"

"Yeah, it was my pleasure baby."

* * *

We pulled into his sisters driveway a few minutes later, her converted summer home looked like something out a Thomas Kincaid painting. Cedar shingles, black or blue shutters, I couldn't tell for sure in dim night light. The pathway was aged brick and I didn't know if I could walk down it. I was nervous and already intimated; I was about to really meet his family.

"You ok?" Will brought his hand up to the back of my neck and gently rubbed out the building tension.

"Ish..." He let out a chuckle and just shook his head.

"Its going to be fine, seriously just relax..."

"Do they know... you know..."I had wanted to ask him this question a millions times on the ride over but I didn't have the balls. I just turned up the music and stared out the window, ignoring that elephant in the backseat. He was silent for a moment, and then silent for a moment more before he answered.

"Yeah, they do... I mean not everything…but the bullet points."

They knew who I was, what had happened. I am sure they Googled, I know I would have if I was in their position. They probably think I am a crazy money hungry slut. _I knew I didn't want to do this! Damn it all to hell! _

"Great... just perfect..."

"Your past is not who you are... It's just what happened... Listen…I have never brought anyone home to meet my family. Ever... So they know how important you are to me... That's all that matters. Ok."

"Ever?"

"Never ever."

I took a deep breath, and took off my seatbelt. I handed him the wine and cookies.

"Ok lets do this." I punched my right and into my palm and flexed my next from left to right.

"There's the fighting spirit baby!"

* * *

He rang the bell and I could hear a squeal of childlike excitement coming from behind it. Charlie opened the door, a broad smile on his familiar face. He was tall, lean, lanky blonde haired blue eyed guy, a contrast to Will's more burley frame. In front of him stood a fidgety little girl, unable to contain her excitement, as her father held her back. She had Will's eyes, brown and green and gold, a mop of curly light brown hair with swirls of golden blonde.

"There you guys are...We were getting worried" Charlie welcomed us in, as he and Will shook hands, passing Charlie the wine and cookies.

"Sorry, we uh… got a late start." Will said sheepishly. I blushed, thinking about why we were running so late.

"It's good to see you again Amy." He nodded making no attempt to touch me. Will bent down and lifted the little girl who giggled like he was tickling her.

"Hey there Little Bit..."

"Hi Uncle Will." She planted a huge kiss on his cheek and he set her back down.

"Kira, this is Amy..." Kira looked at me inquisitively, her lips pursed her head cocked to one side, she took a deep breath and exhaled. She was sizing me up.

"Mommy says... I shouldn't touch you unless you say it's ok... She said it would hurt your feelings. It's not nice to hurt peoples feelings..."

"No Kira its not..."

"Cameron Marcus at school told me I was ugly and that hurt mine feelings."

"You are not ugly, little bit... And you mean my feelings…"

"No Uncle will MINE feelings…not your feelings…" Will and I both chuckled and Kira turned her attention back to me. "Are you going to be mine aunt? Everyone at school has aunts but me..."

"Kira!" Tracy came in from the kitchen a scowl on her face, and a kitchen towel drying her hands. Kira wrapped herself around Will's leg... "Hey big brother." She kissed him on the cheek and pulled Kira off his leg, lifting her up on her hip. "Sorry about that Amy... she is five going on forty five... Thanks for coming tonight."

"Thanks for inviting us." I looked at Kira sideways, her eyes fixed on me. "Are you sure you're five... you look older that that...I think you're fifteen at least." She laughed the full childhood laugh, an innocent laugh of joy and days spent playing dress-up and watching Sesame Street. _Sunny days… keeping the clouds away…On my way…_

"No silly, I am five..."

"Are you sure... How many fingers is that?" She nodded furiously and held up five fingers.

"Mommy can Aunt Amy come color with me?" Tracy looked at me and the Will for some sort of a sign. He just nodded and smiled.

"If Amy doesn't mind."

"I don't mind if you guys don't." Kira wiggled out of her mothers grasp, her shoes slapping on the floor. She grabbed my hand without thought and Will's and Tracy's eyes went wide as she pulled me into the kitchen.

"I have an Ariel coloring book and a Strawberry Shortcake coloring book and a Hello Kitty coloring book. Which one?"

"You choose."

"I like Ariel..."

"I like Ariel too."

We sat there for half an hour, while Will, Tracey and Charlie milled around the kitchen, finishing up dinner and pouring glasses of wine. I was too engrossed, coloring in Sebastian and sharpening her crayons, like I used to as a child.

"Ok, Kira. Time for bed..."

"But Mom..."

"No But Mom. We said seven thirty and now its a quarter to eight."

"Come on Little Bit I will read you a quick story." She looked at him then back to me, then him again weighing in her mind she would rather perform this task. Will won out and she wrapped her arms around my neck giving me a big kiss.

"I knew having and aunt would be the bestest. Come on Uncle Will..."

I sat there stunned, but not shaken. Maybe because she was a child or maybe because being touched wasn't so awful now... Will was able to touch me obviously, Dalton, my mother was able to hug me again and I did in fact high five my dad watching a boxing match at Will's, Laurel has been dying to cut my hair and I think I might just let her do it and Jeff still won't touch me but I am allowed to hit him as often as I like.

"I am sorry about that Amy, she just has no filter, if she is thinking it she is going to say it..."

"She's pretty amazing...and really its fine...it's surprisingly more then fine..."

"Do you want a refill?" Tracy looked at my near empty wine glass and I nodded. She filled my glass and I could tell there was something more she wanted to say. I took a deep breath in anticipation.

"You know Amy, when Will told us about you... I had my doubts... I mean I Googled, Will asked me not to but I did... I couldn't help myself… afterwards I wished I didn't. I am sure you know what's out there…" I knew, I had Googled myself over the years. Type in Broken Arrow girlfriend and you will be amazed what will pop up. The media had a hard time figuring out what to call Simon and then a week later the Post coined the phrase the Broken Arrow and it stuck. I could tell Tracy was not judging me, she was just stating the facts as she knew them. She and Will were very much alike. They said what the were feeling when they felt it. I knew where Kira got it from.

"Tracy I know that it must be strange for you having me here…"

"Its strange that will brought someone home to meet the family Amy, that is the strange part. When he first told me about you, I have to say I was a bit shocked. Not that it was you, I mean yes that was shocking in its own right but that he was asking me advice about you… how he should approach it, if he should just tell you what he was feeling. He was worried that he would scare you off."

"Wow, I had no idea."

"And then where you guys were apart over New Years and he was such a mess I thought I have never seen my brother like this... ever... I mean you know I have seen him strung out and miserable but heartbroken... never. That's when I knew it was the real deal for him. So when you guys got back together, I wanted to meet you and see if my worries were in earnest or in vain. It took some time to get you here though... but I have never seen Will happy. Really happy."

"I really want to make him happy… because he has changed my whole life, loving me. I never thought…" My voice cracked, my eyes filled with hot tears, I pressed my lips together in an effort to hold it together. "I never thought I could trust anyone again, until your brother came along. I had resolved myself to a lifetime of loneliness, and bad dreams…Until Will."

"I think he did the same thing actually, after Maria died, the guilt he felt… he didn't think he deserved to be happy. And it sent him on a road…" The road to me I thought sadly and gladly.

"We have a small group, our dad is gone, our mother left years ago. It's me and Charlie, Kira Will... and now you..." I wiped a tear of fmy cheek and grabbed her hand, the weight of that was not lost on either of us. "Anyway I am just really glad you are here...finally…. but I'm kinda pissed you didn't make the brownie things but that was forgiven the moment I tasted this bestest wine..." We both laughed loudly together as Will made it back into the kitchen, a warm contented smiled on his face, along with a pink glittery princess sticker on his cheek. Tracy and I burst out laughing.

"What... It's my new tattoo..."


	53. Chapter 52 - White

I didn't mean to ease drop, but I really had no choice. I didn't want to interrupt knowing their conversation was an important one. Something that needed to happen sooner then later so we could all just put it behind us and move forward. So I stood there in the hallway, quietly observing two of the most important people in my life becoming family.

That day when Tracy and I went to see dad in the hospital was one of the worst days of my life. We knew the end was near, o could have been days or weeks or months. My father was a fighter, and not even a failing ticker would take him down easily.

We were fighting about his care, and if we should sign a DNR, if or when things went badly. I knew he wouldn't want to be kept alive but Tracy was having a harder time making the decision. The idea that we would have to choose to end his life.

She stormed off to my apartment, I wanted to make all the sadness go away for her, hell I wanted to make it go away for myself. The thought of my father not being around, stirred the hunger inside of me. I wanted to run, I admit it, I wanted to run to a place not so far from my home and get high. I wanted to feel the pain and the fear leach out of my body. I wanted to feel untouchable and invincible, remind myself that death could be beaten. And then I saw Amy standing there, smiling at Tracy, and everything changed. I just started to feel better having her there, I wanted to hold her. I wanted to be held by her. But that was not possible then…

It was a rough session, things didn't go as I hoped but somehow that was a breakthrough for Amy and I, that was the day she let me see her scars, the first time she really ran away from me and the day we admitted to having feelings for one another.

I remember feeling stunned, shocked and afraid, I was grateful that Tracy was near by. Even though I was the older one, Tracy had always been the wiser one. She was the person I turned to for strength. Even at my worst. In my darkest moment, she never gave up hope. Tracy never stopped fighting for me, no matter what I said or did.

"You seem off are you ok Will?" Tracy looked at me over her slice of pizza, her spidey sense was never wrong.

"You know just worried about dad and stuff."

"Well when we are done, we can head back for the last round of visitors hours. You can flirt with the nurses so they will let us stay late."

"Well that the thing… I kinda met someone… So flirting not so much."

"You kinda met some one… like a girl. A real live girl… Mr. One Nighter has met a girl…"

"And this is why I keep my trap shut."

"Aww come on I am just kidding… Tell me all about her… what does she look like… what does she do… go…"

"You met her today…"

"That girl from this morning? The sad looking one? "

"She is not sad looking, Trace. I mean yes she was sad when she came in…"

"How did you meet her?

"She is uh one of my students."

"Oh, she looks familiar…did she go to Saint Frannies with us?"

"No I don't think so, she is a few years younger then you."

"What's her last name. I know that face."

"Knightly. Amy Knightly." I could see the shock on Trace's face.

"The Broken Arrow's girlfriend, the one Dino saved. She is your student?" I nodded. "How did I not know this Willy?"

"Well its complicated and for the love of Christ don't call me Willy."

"Whatever Will, what is so complicated."

"Well, I have you know… I uh… I care about her…"

"You care about her?"

"Yeah I mean she is so sweet and funny, but then she is like so fragile… you know she can't be touched… by anyone. She freaks out just at the idea of it… and I need to touch her to train her…"

"Wait are you telling me you have feelings for this girl?"

"Yeah…I do… and I don't know what to do… I don't want to push her and scare her off but at the same time I thing she needs a little shove in the right direction. Its like all the people in her life have given up or something."

"Wow, this is just wow Will. I mean out of all the girls in the New York area, of course you fall for the one who is the most complicated. Of course, you don't have enough you're your plate."

"It's not like that Tracy, she helps me too. I can't explain it, I just feel different when she is around. Like all the things I fight to repress every minute of every day stop, and I can think clearly."

"You are in love with her Will."

"Yeah I think I am. And that is the problem. She is scared of love."

"Well love has not been good to her. Look all I can tell you is to be yourself and use your instinct. If you do that you cant go wrong."

"That is so not true…"

"Will what happened in the past, was not you being yourself. Ok. You are not that person anymore. You never really were that person. Look, I know that you still feel guilty, but that has nothing to do with this. If you love Amy then you will figure it out."


	54. Chapter 53 - Enough

Hello Hello!

So first off I want to give a shout out to icalyn not only for her Dixie Chicks song suggestion,but her help with last weeks computer issues... Thank you!

Also, I have started a new story, Fifty Shades in Fifty Ways... Check it out and follow...

I took some advice from Lala Loopsie and made some changes to the summary and removed the first chapter a/n in the hope that more peopel will start reading... fingers crossed...

Thank you all of your PM's and reviews... I am caught up now and moving forward with my responses...

I hope you like this chapter, its a bit lighter... trying to find the balance between the darkness and the light...

* * *

We were all huddled in the living room, bellies full of pasta and chicken parm. The chesterfield sofas were covered in a taupe linen, with brushed silver nail heads, the tongue and groove paneling that lined the walls was white washed and the ceiling was pained a pale blue. It was a beachy, and light and airy and comfortable. You could tell that Tracy was a successful designer, it showed in the smallest details of her home. Their iPod was on shuffle, playing a random mix of Dave Matthews, John Mayer, Van Morrison... We were drinking the second bottle of wine. It was easy, and relaxed. We talked about everything and nothing and I could see the Christmas dinners and birthdays and summer vacations stretched out before us.

"Come on husband. Lets go put on some coffee. I want to eat some of those cookies." Charlie pulled Tracy off the sofa and they slowly danced their way to the kitchen.

"So..." Will made this Zoolander like face, his expression a question mark.

"They are amazing... totally and completely amazing. You are very lucky..."

"That I am Amy... that I am..." He pulled me in close and gave me a gentle whisper of a kiss.

They didn't have you where I come from… Never knew the best was yet to come… Life began when I saw your face…

The words hit me, all at once… Life began when I saw your face… Will was the reason I felt hope, the reason I felt like a life was possible and that all began the moment I saw him. But I didn't believe it until now, this very moment.

And I hear your laugh like a serenade…

"Come dance with me... Will…don't look at me like that come on... one dance I love this song." I stood first, yanking him off the sofa and then in one motion he had me in his arms and we were moving to the music together.

**_How long do you want to be loved… Is forever enough, is forever enough_**  
**_How long do you want to be loved…._**

"I never thought I would get here Will... I never saw all of this... I wanted it but I never thought it would actually happen."

**_Is forever enough…Cause I'm never, never giving you up_**

"Well we are here baby...I knew we would be..." I laid my head on his chest, his hands linking at the small of my back.

"I feel like everything that has happened… every line you did… every scar I have…"

"Got us here, now…"

_**I slip in bed when you're asleep…To hold you close and feel your breath on me…**_  
_**Tomorrow there'll be so much to do**_  
_**So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you**_

"And I wouldn't change a thing… I know that sounds crazy…" It was something I had been spending a lot of time thinking about. The raod that brought me to Will, all the choices and decisions that I had made. Looking at each one of they under a microscope, seeing how they fit, how they grew and how I got here. Realizing quickly that one small change in one way or the other and Will might have never made his way into my life, and more importantly into my heart.

"No baby, it doesn't… I feel the same way…" He pressed his lips to my forehead, and then to my nose and then finally my lips. I could smell the sweet scent of wine, as his grasp tightened. My hands reaching up to his face, kissing him. No thought to time or place, no worries or fears, no pain, no regrets. His mouth on mine, each movement holding the weight of the emotion behind it, every breath, every touch of his hands making small circles on the small of my bare back. I was consumed but not overtaken. I was held but not held down. I was wanted but not an obsession.

_**As you wander through this troubled world…In search of all things beautiful…You can close your eyes when you're miles away**_  
_**And hear my voice like a serenade…**_

"Ummm excuse me…" Charlie cleared his throat, loudly. 'I hate to break this up gross and unbearable public display of affection… but we are all out of coffee… So Tracy and I were thinking about opening up yet another bottle of wine and you guys crashing here tonight…Any objections?"

**_How long do you want to be loved…Is forever enough, is forever enough_**  
**_How long do you want to be loved…Is forever enough…_**  
**_Cause I'm never, never giving you up…_**

* * *

The room was small, with coved ceilings that Will kept hitting his head on while he changed. The bed was a full, covered in a beautiful old blue and pale green quilt. I eased in to be first, just a hair under drunk, and Will climbed in next to me. The bed was so small there was no choice but for him to wrap his arm around me and rest my head on his chest. I could hear the steady beat of his heart, and the rise and fall of his breath. Mine naturally joining his.

All night despite all the good and wonderful, my mind would wander off to the five year old child asleep a few rooms away. Thoughts of a child that I should of had, would have had if things were different. When I was in the height of my mania, before I started seeing Dalton, I would spend days and hours wondering. Wondering if I had done the right thing. Wondering what the child would look like. Would it be a boy or girl. Would it have my green eyes or Simon's deep icy blue. Could I have looked into his eye, through our child for the rest of my life.

Many nights I would wake up after my suspected due date to the sound of a baby crying. Another one of the ghosts haunting me. Never thinking the possibility of having a family would ever come my way again. Never believing that I was capable of love and trust, to have the sanity and certainty to love and manage a family and now because of Will I do. I have the ability but do I have the desire?

"Penny for your thoughts?" I could feel his breath on my forehead as he spoke. As usual he was unknowingly reading my mind.

"Will do you want babies?" I could feel his intake of shocked air, and his heart quicken in his chest.

"That was not what I was expecting you to say... Like at all."

"You asked..."

"Yeah I did, didn't I..."

"Seeing you with Kira, you are a natural..." There was a long pause, I could tell he was searching his mind fo the right answer. "There is no wrong answer, just want you want or don't want."

"Yes, I want babies... If you would have asked me five years ago or even five months ago I would have said I wasn't sure, but yes I would."

"Oh."

"Amy, do you want babies?"

"Honestly if you would have asked ME five years ago or five months ago... I would have said no... but now... I am not sure..."

"Timing..."

"Is everything..."

"Well good thing for us, we don't have to decide tonight or any night in the near future..."

"It's a good thing…"

* * *

I woke up the next morning Will wrapped around me, his knees tucked behind mine and his loud but endearing snoring right in my ear. His broken nose, rearing it ugly head. I felt like I was being watched, it was an eerie feeling that I couldn't shake. I opened my eyes, and was greeted with Kira's shining happy face, eye level with mine.

"Wake up wake up Aunt Amy..." She whispered behind her two fists, pressed to her mouth, a stuffed monkey tucked under her arm.

"Good Morning..."I whispered back through a yawn.

"It's Saturday... waffle day..."

"Waffle day huh..." I could feel will stirring behind me, as he pulled me closer to him, unaware we had a visitor.

"Mommy told me not to wake you but its waffle day..." Will's lips pressed into the back of my neck, and kira made an ewww face.

"WAKE UP UNCLE WILL!" His head shot up ."Its waffle day." She jumped off the bed, leaving the patter of feet and the sent of bubblegum toothpaste.

"Ask me again Will." He thought for a second, still half asleep.

"Amy do you want babies."

"Absolutely."


	55. Chapter 54 - Rope

Hello all-

I just wanted to give a shout out to HUDS2n & Avid Reader 59 for their really amazing reviews. I was feeling some writers block creeping in, their reviews and everyone elses kick me back into gear.

I am so happy that you are all responding to Amy. I have tried to make her as personal and layered as I could and some of you have been saying that she feels like a real person... Thank you...

Also a funny haha, you all think Simon is lying about his kidnapping (which I will not confirm or deny for a few more chapters). Again if I was telling this story in order would you all think that of him?

Writing the other story has brought my viewership up, so that has been great. If you are enjoying this story please give it a shout out if and when you can, it got alot of you guys reading when SmileRose did it...

Thank you all again for your contunued support and motivation. I have been checking my phone in the middle of the night to read reviews... That is what's happening... lololol

* * *

Things were not going well, the meeting was going on for hour after long hour. Translators translating, arguments in delay. The heat and humidity of a New York august was no match to the heat and hostility being tossed around in one Archers Global's, slick cool metal and glass conference rooms. Chiyo was in the states and was not pleased, the search for non-Chinese factories was not as far along as he expected, there were still lingering issues about his staff and possible job cuts and then of course the role Chiyo was going to continue to play in his company, correction the new Archer Global acquisition. If Miles and Simon had their was his role would be nil; but Chiyo was the Japanese version of Miles and nothing was going to deter him from what he wanted.

I could feel Simon's brewing anger, his father was just as pissed and I was sandwiched between them. Their eyes and exchanged glances talking volumes. The pressure was on to get the tablets to market before the next big thing happened. Chiyo knew this fact and was not going to bend. He was already manufacturing on a smaller scale, he would simply launch the products himself. I couldn't understand why his company was even for sale if he didn't want to sell it or give up power. Chiyo's motives were still unclear to me and I spoke his language. The Archers were in an unfamiliar position, one of weakness.

The meeting finally broke for lunch at two, and I was getting antsy. I had plans for Jeff's birthday and didn't need Simon in a horrible mood. He and Jeff could barley stand each other as it was. I stood to leave with the group, but Simon held my knee keeping in in my chair. I just smiled and nodded as everyone left. His grip tightening as the door swung closed. He cracked his neck from side to side and finally released me.

"Baby are you ok? I looked at him from under my eyelashes, trying to feel out his mood.

"Do I look ok Amy? Do I?" I reached out to touch him in a vain attempt to be soothing but he caught my hand midway, twisting it harshly. His eyes were blank and cold, they sent a shiver through me. I survival instinct to flee kicked in.

"Maybe I will just leave you alone for a minute, its been a rough morning. I can make you a cup of tea?" I wiggled my wrist free of him and stood slowly, trying to keep my self level and calm. I found out long ago that Simon fed off my emotions. My fears, my pleasure, my happiness fueled him for better or for worse. I was making my escape, feeling relieved.

"Amy." I stopped and turned, my stomach dropping at the sound of his voice. "You would tell me if you knew something."

"I know what you know, you know what I know Simon. Please don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Accuse me of something you know I am not doing."

"I see you, talking in corners with them."

"Yes about American TV and where they should go for dinner. Not corporate espionage."

"Now why don't I believe you."

"I don't know, maybe because your an asshole." Wrong words Amy, wrong words. My stubborn streak reared its ugly head and there was no going back. In a second he was up off his chair, it fell backwards to the ground, the sound of metal hitting the stone floor in a loud crash sending a tremor through my body. In an instant his hands were on my shoulders swinging me around, my rear pressed against the conference table. He was shaking me, violently, shouting incoherent things. I was stunned and confused, I felt like my brain was scrambling. His grip on my arms so tight, I couldn't feel my fingers. So I did the only thing I knew to do, when Simon overwhelmed me; I safe worded. I safe worded fully clothed, in my place of business because Simon's anger was that uncontrollable.

He released me immediately and I braced myself on the desk. And then like in slow motion I heard my nicked name being called out to me in Japanese, fast heavy footsteps and then Simons body flying backwards away from me. He hit the ground with a thud, as Chiyo's bodyguard was stood over him. The anger and shock in Simons eyes, made my heart jump into my throat. The glacier blue had melted and was replaced with blazing hot anger and some how in my heart I knew that I would pay for this one way or the other.

Chiyo was quickly at my side, soothing me softly, calling me by the name they had all given me Light Smile is the translation. He was telling me to come with him, to not shed a tear. I didn't even know I was crying. He walked me out of the conference room. I didn't look back at Simon, I didn't know what was happening to him in there and I didn't care.

I walked through the office, everyone had heard him yelling. I couldn't bare to look up at their staring, shacked faces as I walked through the office; Chiyo on one side, his second body guard on the other to the elevator.

It wasn't until I heard the ding of the doors closing behind us until I really broke down, from shock and embarrassment.

"Amy... he is not worth your tears." Chiyo spoke to me in English, and my head shot up to look at him, eyes wide. "Yes, I speak the English, I understand it too."

"Then why..."

"People let down their guard when they believe you are inferior to them in some way. My mother taught me English when I was five for that very reason." The doors opened up and we walked through the lobby.

"My purse... and my laptop." He spoke again in Japanese. Telling his body guard to retrieve my things, we would be waiting for him in the limo. The moment the doors opened, the humid air assaulted me, I felt dizzy and weak. I head ached, my eyes burned. I turned my face away from the glairing sun and tuned out the loud horns and sirens blaring off in the distance. Chiyo navigated me to the moving herd of pedestrians until we were in the cool dark safety of his limo.

"Now, tell me that is not the first time he has treated you like that?"

I shook my head no, in shame. "I didn't think so, have seen bruises on you. and a sadness too. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you let him? Why do you stay?"

"I love him."

"That is not a reason that is an excuse."

"He has issues, and I am trying to love him despite them. To stand by him to help him. There is so much good in him too."

"Bad and good are intertwined like rope, but the rope hangs you all the same. You are smart, too smart for this. He will destroy you. I can see it in his eyes, he wont be happy until he does. The eyes speak as much as the mouth."

"I cant, I just can't leave him Chiyo. He is everything to me. My life is with him, my heart is with him, my work is with him. Everything."

"So you come work for me... You find a new place to put your heart, a safe place."

"Chiyo, I can't. There are days that I wish I would… but he is…"

"Your demon…" He shook his head in sadness, and laid his hand over mine.

The body guard returned with my things and we made the long drive over to my apartment in silence, as I composed myself.

"Chiyo, thank you for today." There was sadness etched into his face, like he could see my future and knew it would not be a good one.

I walked up to my apartment, stripped off my suit and fell into my bed. I cried, not for myself or Simon but for the now shattered illusion of who we were. People would never look at us the same after what happened today. I fell asleep to the hum of my air conditioner and Simon's malicious words drumming in my head.


	56. Chapter 55 - Darkness

I know she is lying, I can always tell. She wont look me in the eye when she is lying. I know something is going on, Honora is holding out and playing games. I can feel this anger, this rage deep inside of me. I sat there for hours keeping it at bay, stuffing it down. Swallowing the beast that needs to come out of me. We are finally alone, just Amy and I and I know she is lying. She denies it over and over. Here meager attempts to placate me, like I don't know her game. She thinks that she can bat her eyelashes and I will just forgive her treachery, her deceit.

I can feel the beast bursting out of my body, and everything goes black. I vaguely hear my voice in my head, yelling and screaming. _You lying whore… Tell me the truth… You are nothing… _

I want to stop, I am trying to stop but the beast is so much strong that I have ever been. If I don't let him out in these little bursts I know one day he will consume me in my entirety. I can smell her shampoo, coming at me in drifts, I can feel my fingers ache from the grasp I have in her arms., her voice begging me to stop but the beast always wins. He always wins. And then I hear her say it… the one word that always snaps me back no matter how far I go.

_Gravity…_

She safe worded… I pushed her to far and she safe worded. Shame fills my body, pushing the beast back down. Forcing him into his hiding place. I can see the light now, the look in Amy's face and then I am flying through the air, hitting the floor as the ground shook beneath me. Everything else was a blur as I saw Amy walk away in another mans arms.


	57. Chapter 56 - White

Hello everyone... Thank you for your great reviews on the last chapters...

I am posing two smaller ones tonight and then i am taking a break for the weekend. I dont know if you notice but there has been a ton of errors in my last few chapters because i have not been spening enought tim editing... so this weekend i am going to edit my little heart out and will post on Sunday... Right before Downton Abbey lololol...

Hope you all enjoy...

* * *

It was getting warmer, I was glad the winter was over. Glad that Amy and I had weathered the storm, together. Things were falling into place and I felt good, happy… But there was thing lingering worry. It lived in every moment, every breath. A white noise, a hum in the background getting louder and louder with each passing day. Archer's impending release.

I dropped Amy off at Dalton's office, and made my way across town, to the diner. Dino sat there waiting for me. I could tell something was wrong, he called and said it was important. His voice was like a punch to my gut.

I slid into the booth and he nodded his head, his only greeting.

"Hey Buddy… you look like shit." He looked beaten down and exhausted.

"Yeah I get that a lot." He waved the waitress over and I ordered a cup of coffee, my stomach not able to deal with much else.

"How is Gracie?"

"Good, considering. She's got less then a week to go, she is big as a house, mean as a snake and as pretty as I have ever seen her. I am taking some leave when the baby is born." I chuckled at his analysis, the four of us had dinner a few weeks before and it was a pretty actuate description.

"Huh, I never thought that would happen."

"I need the break bro… I really do. The cases keep getting more and more twisted. There is only so much I can take."

"Good for you… and you are right you need the break."

"How is Amy?"

"She is really good, happy, excited about the baby. She is knitting you guys something. It was suppose to be a blanket but it's going to be a pillow I think now." I have never heard Amy curse and bitch more then the times she has sat in bed knitting this damn gift. "So… I think we have done the required amount of small talk so why don't you tell me what you found out." He took a bite of his bagel and chewed it quickly.

"Well, Amy has been followed again. Not every day, just at random. Just nights she is not with you. So its not Simon's usual. These guys are different."

"Son of a bitch…"

"I am not sure its even Simon, his calls are being monitored as are his visitors. I called in a favor, the director and I go back. Way back. He is doing it on the down low. But if its not Simon then who?"

"The press maybe?"

"I thought of that too. I still have a guy working in it."

"Do you need more money?" We didn't want to let Amy know what was going on, so Dino, Jeff, her father Billy and I had been footing the bill for her investigators, and security. All of us calling in years worth of favors. We all knew she had the money, but we didn't want her to feel under the microscope and constantly aware that we were working in the issues.

"No, not yet, but soon. There is more…"

"I figured."

"Simon has accounts, off shore accounts… he is not destitute like we thought. I am trying to track the money and see where it leads but the forensic accountant keeps hitting roadblocks and diversions."

"What about the driver, did the wire tap come up with anything?"

"Nope, Santana has been following him. He has been laying low and not using his LAN line. He keeps getting direct deposits in his account, but we can't trace back to where or who. Once it hits Dubai, its untraceable. Same goes for Spence the bodyguard, he has been keeping busy in the private sector working for some actor. But he too gets his direct deposits. "

"I spoke with Jeff, he is making some inquires about that other thing we spoke about…"

"I don't know if that is the way to go… and deep down you know Amy is right." Anger began to build in my body. I cracked my neck and took a breath not wanting to unleash myself of Dino.

"So we should just wait for him to kill her and then retaliate?" I couldn't contain the seething or sarcasm in my voice.

"Don't be a dick Will, ok. I get it… but Amy was clear. If this is what we decide there will be fall out. For you more then any of us."

"I am prepared for that… I would rather her leave me out of anger and mistrust then leave by Archers hands."

" I know you would but its just I know the cop in you wants to do this another way."

"The law didn't work the first time…"

"No, it didn't. But if we can set a trap…"

"I am not using her as bait Dino."

"If he gets out, she already is bait. We just need to figure out how to use that to our advantage."


	58. Chapter 57 - Hats

"So Amy tell me how is the time apart from Will going?" I had just sunk into the chair in his office, the whole ride over wondering how long it would take Dalton to ask this very question. It took 2.2 seconds. I began to wring my hands together.

"Uh…well… not as planned actually."

"How so?"

"Well, umm, we… Will and I… we made love." I could feel the embarrassment building inside of me, even though I had no reason to be embarrassed. I think I shocked Dalton, his jaw slacked slightly and his eyes went wide, he remembered himself and then jotted something down on his note book.

"I have to say, I am surprised to hear that considering what we discussed last session. What brought about that change of heart?"

"I had this moment of… clarity I guess. I was standing in front of Will and he knew before I even told him that I wanted space. I gave it to me, willingly. He let me go… and in that moment it all became clear… Will is not Simon and I am not that Amy anymore. And everything that has happened, everything we have been through alone and together has value because we found each other."

"I see."

"Are you married?" He looked at me with a puzzled look, I had never asked him a single detail about his life before.

"Yes, I am. For almost thirty years."

"And you love your wife?" He nodded, intrigued by where I was going with my line of questioning. "Imagine how it would feel if she left you tomorrow, and you had the power to stop it. It just took one small decision and she would stay."

"What decision?"

"You had to decide if you were afraid of losing her or afraid of being lost without her. You see with Simon I was afraid of the latter, of being lost without him… afraid of being nothing and that he would be nothing with out me. But with Will… I feared losing the person… losing him… I will without him and he would survive with out me. But I don't want to… I want to know him, and talk to him, and make love to him and have life with him. But my life does not depend on it… It would be better because of it… am I making sense?"

"Yes Amy you are. You might want to consider a career sitting on this side of the couch." We both laughed, and I felt it… the breakthrough we had been waiting for, it just happened.

"So, how did you feel?"

"During?"

"During, After… two days later?"

"I felt free during, like nothing else existed. I felt like I was finally free and whole and ready for what comes next."

"Did Simon come into play when you were making love to Will?"

"No, he never even crossed my mind, not once. For the first time my mind was a Simon free zone. But I can't forget, I can't let it all go because, I need to be prepared."

"Amy, you have always held this idea that Simon was coming back to finish you off."

"He is, you know he is Tommy. You know it." He was silent, I knew he wouldn't say it out loud but he knew I was right.

"I would like for you to bring Will in for a session, we have discussed it and he and I have talked unofficially but in light of new events I think it's a good idea."

"Um, ok… Thursday?"

"Yes…Thursday. Now tell me did you meet his family?"

"Yes I did… Can I ask you a question as someone who knows me… really knows me…"

"You can ask me anything Amy."

"Do you think, that I could be a mother? Do you think I am capable?"

"Do you want to be a mother?"

"That is not what I asked you…Do you think I am capable of being a mother?"

"I am going to take off my therapist hat for a minute ok… I don't often do this… ever actually… You are the same age as my oldest daughter, who just had a child last year. I have spent many an hour here with you, listening to your truth, your traumas, your pain. I have seen you at your worst and darkest and now here today, I see who you are now. Who you truly are. I know that there will be times where you will not be this person you are today, that you will falter but I also know that you will recover stranger then before because you my girl are a fighter. One of the strongest people I have ever had the pleasure to know, to help and to learn from. So the short answer is yes… I think that you will be an amazing mother." I felt a burning in the back of my throats as he spoke, I nodded my head at his words. Taking each and every word in.

"Thank you…" My voice was a hushed whisper as a few stray tears fell off my cheeks, puffed out from the huge smile on my face.

"You are very welcome. Now come give me a hug so I can put my hat back on."

* * *

Will was acting strangely, I could feel this edge in him. This vibe that I was nit used to. It picked at his dinner, pushing the pasta he said he wanted around his plate. His leg was jumping under the table, his eyes wouldn't meet mine.

"Will, what is going on with you?"

"Nothing I am fine. This sauce is good."

"You are not fine and how would you know you have barely eaten a bite. Would you just look at me." he raised his eyes to mine briefly and then put his head back down. "Will did I do something to piss you off, because if I did I am sorry."

"You didn't do anything, its me… I am just struggling right now."

"Struggling with what?"

"Stuff… I don't want to talk to you about this."

"Oh, me! You don't want to talk to me about this… wow… ok…" I collected my plate and his and walked into the kitchen, tossing the plates into the sink.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Its fine, if that's how you feel. I mean, that how you feel. I am just going to go home and leave you to stew on your own."

"Amy wait… come on, don't run away."

"you're the one running away will…"

"I am here Amy… I am here…"

"Yeah you are here for me, but you wont let me be here for you. I am not running away you are pushing me away."

"So because I don't want to talk right now I am pushing you away!"

"You never want to talk ever! I know you want to get high right now, I can see it. When you get all sullen and shaky, you keep bouncing your leg up and down. You look like you want to crawl out of your skin."

"You have no idea what you are talking about."

"So you know me, but I have no idea when it comes to you. I get if you are not ready to tell me what has triggered you, or even what happened to make you like this but the least you could do is tell me the truth… That you are worried and scared and freaked out and that you want to get high… you could tell me when you go to meetings, you could tell me that you need help. That you need me! Its not a weakness Will, to need me. To let me help you, to let me fix you too." He looked at me, just looked at me and said nothing. I could feel the words clinging to the back of his throat, I could hear their echo but they would not come to fruition, he wouldn't let them.

"I am going to go home. I love you Will and I am really angry at you right now, but I love you and we will talk tomorrow." I stood on my tip toes and gave him a small kiss on the cheek before grabbing my things and walking out the door.


	59. Chapter 58 - Helpless

I woke up a few hours later to my cell phone ringing, surrounded by the darkness of my room, the filtered light from the late summer sun trickling in. My phone was ringing all day, each time it was Simon. I wanted to turn it off but I knew Laurel would be calling to make final plans for the night. Jeff's birthday was always a big deal, he had a large group of friends who he was always there for and this was the one night of the year he got all of his good karma back.

I wanted to bail, but I couldn't do that to Jeff. If I could have, I would have dissolved into my bed. Disappeared all together, no trace of me left. I felt trapped, with not a single good decision to be made. Every door, every window closed, every road every path leading me back to the same place. I rubbed the sleep and dried tears out of my eyes and picked up my cell, grateful it wasn't Simon again.

"Hey kiddo." Laurel's chipper vibrato came through the phone, and I mustered up some false happiness. A mask I was getting better and better at wearing. The mask became more real to me then my own face.

"Hey yourself!" I turned on the Amy that she knew, the Amy she loved.

"Nada Mucho… Just wanted to touch base and see what the deal was for tonight…"

"Uh, Simon's assistant made a reservation for ten of us… at ten…"

"Are we meeting you at your apartment or Simon's?"

"My place, I am not sure if Simon can make it…" I muttered out trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible. Laurel knew me well, really really well, I had to pull out my bag of tricks to keep her questions at bay.

"Oh... OK..."

"Japan is in town, things have been tense... In the meetings… You know how Simon gets… Remind me again, who is coming?"

"Uh... Jeff and that horrible girl Melanie, Me and Shane. Kelly, Owen and Joe... and your favorite and mine Mickey…" Mickey was Jeff's really annoying oldest and dearest. He had been making a play for me sine we hit puberty. It was like an annoying gnat.

"Owen is coming?"

"Yup..."

"Well fuck... just fuck..." Owen was my college ex, we dated for three years, he became friends with my friends and I became friends with his friends and now we were forever running into each other. Not that there was any drama, we mutually decided to end it.

"Yeah...it's probably a good thing Simon is not going to be in attendance this evening... We are meeting up at Penn, Jeff, Melanie and I are taking the subway, everyone else is on the island so they are taking the LIRR and then subway to you. "

"I will see you guys at nine…" I looked at my alarm clock, it was just after seven. "Actually you know what I will meet you guys at Penn and we can all go to the restaurant straight from there."

"Ok, sounds good."

* * *

Fresh out of shower, I blew out my hair and twisted it up and off my face. The heat and humidity was going to be a factor tonight. I pulled on a short black skirt, hitting me well above the knee and a white tank top. I couldn't bare the thought of putting another layer on but I glanced at myself in the mirror and noticed the dark blue and purple bruises that were on my upper arms; Simon left me no choice. I went into my closet and pulled out this paper thin turquoise mesh sweater. I pulled it on, it fell of my left shoulder but still covered the bruises. I thru on a chunky turquoise necklace and some flat strappy sandals and I was done. After a few drinks and a round or two of dancing my make up would be non existent so why bother. I swiped on a bit of gloss, threw my cross body bag over my shoulder and made it out the door.

I descended underground, I had not taken a subway in a while. I was assaulted by the intensified heat and overwhelming smell. It was a odd mix of yeasty pretzels, new and old urine, dirty water and diesel fumes. The smell of summer in the city.

I took the ride to midtown, holding a strap standing in a crowd of sweaty people, women with children, men in suits, groups of kids with baggy shorts and sweaty wife beaters. A true melting pot, in in we were literally melting. I could feel the sweat dripping down my back, I licked the little beads that formed on my upper lip and wiped my forehead with the sleeve of my extended arm.

I wandered around a much cooler Penn for a while, the train from long island were delayed...equipment issues (whatever that means) and I got a text that Laurel was running late (shocking but completely true). When I was a kid Penn Station always seemed like a magical place. A lost underground city complete with and Aunt Annie's pretzels(which I was enjoying complete with cheddar cheese dip) and a K-mart.

It was a true labyrinth, long hallways leading to places unknown. The sounds of trains coming and going, the various street musicians echoing through the long corridors. The scent of Starbucks coffee, the rich almost burnt smell, pulling you in for a cup. Honestly it was magical even now, as an adult, being there calmed me down and allowed my mind a much needed break. I stood for a few minutes, listening to an old man with a guitar playing throwing a dollar in his Smoothie King wax cup. His broken cracking falsetto, leaching the pain of his wearily body.

There is a town in north Ontario with dream comfort memory to spare,  
And in my mind  
I still need a place to go,  
All my changes were there.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,  
Yellow moon on the rise,  
Big birds flying across the sky,  
Throwing shadows on our eyes.  
Leave us

Helpless, helpless, helpless  
Baby can you hear me now?  
The chains are locked  
and tied across the door,  
Baby, sing with me somehow.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,  
Yellow moon on the rise,  
Big birds flying across the sky,  
Throwing shadows on our eyes.  
Leave us

Helpless, helpless, helpless.

I was surrounded by people, everywhere I turned. Hundreds of souls, walking and wandering; coming and going. Talking, laughing, yelling. Each and everyone dealing with their own struggles, their own pain. Each and everyone wearing a mask of some kind. I knew exactly where I was, and I felt lost, aimless. I had not idea who I was anymore. Knowing what I should do, knowing the path I should take but also knowing that I wouldn't.

Off in the distance I saw the pack of my friends, their hazy forms coming to life and color with every step I took. It was show time, I put on my smile and mask and waved as I walked towards them.

* * *

The music pounded, the repetitive pulsing bass making my body move. The sheer volume made it impossible for me to think, or even feel. It was exactly what I needed, a release that had nothing to do with Simon. We were altogether in a small compact circle. Somehow Jeff and Laurel, always ended up near one another, regardless of who they brought with them. Shane and Melanie looked on, pissed but still dancing. I started laughing, hysterically, how blind love could be. If there were two people that belonged together it was Laurel and Jeff. They were so different but so completely the same. They had a lingo, a vibe that made no sense to anyone else, even me.

I was dancing with Owen most of the night, wondering why I couldn't have fallen in love with him. He was a great guy, funny and easy. He was a Math teacher, he coached baseball, he loved the outdoors and sports. His family was big and loud, he was one of six. Why couldn't I fall for him the way I had fallen for Simon. I could see the life we would have had… The house we would have bought, the parties we would have with our friends. He was good in bed, sweet attentive. What was wrong with me, why did I need what only Simon had to offer. After a few songs, Owen went to sit with Joe who never danced ever. Leaving me somewhat alone on the dance floor. I could feel this energy, this hum as the song changed and I began to jump up and down with Laurel and Jeff. I felt hands slid around my waist and I cringed.

Mickey was finally making his move. He was grinding behind me, and I turned around. He smiled, thinking I was actually wanted to dance with him. I leaned in close, my lips right next to his ear, he rested his hands low on my hips, pulling me closer to him.

"Mickey, its never going to happen! Ever." I yelled as loud as I could, it felt empowering saying exactly what I wanted to say. His hands dropped as did the smug look on his face as I turned away and made my way to the bar. It was cooler there, I fanned myself and pulled on my sweater.

"Can I get a shot of Patron. Please." I sat on an empty stool, and leaned into the bartender. She barely looked old enough to be working there, her short razor sharp blonde hair shaved on one side, her big blue eyes covered in dark black eye shadow and liner and tiny tiny black dress. She looked like a little girl playing slutty Goth dress up. "Wow, a please. Sometimes a please is even better then a tip."

"Make it a double please." She smiled broadly and poured my shot.

"Here you go… On the house." I drank it quickly, and was surprised that it didn't burn.

"Thank you. I needed that."

"Bad day?" She asked leaning on the bar towards me, cocking her head to one side.

"The worst."

"Well its about to get better, there is a fine fucking guy checking you out, three o'clock." I knew it was him even before I turned my head. I could feel his presence in the room, despite the huge crowd. I glanced over my shoulder, and he smiled maliciously.

"Can I get another one please, I am going to need it." She looked at me puzzled. "That's my boyfriend and we had a fight. He is going to fuck the shit out of me tonight, so yeah. I need another double." Her jaw dropped, she looked at him and she looked at me, and then back at him before she shook her head and poured me another round. I lifted the drink to him and nodded, drinking it quickly. It was going to be a long night.

He made his way over to my slowly, and I stood. I looked him dead in the eye as I made my way to the dance floor. He caught my hand in the crowd and yanked me towards him. My body moving with his, his being possessing mine. I looked in his eyes and only saw coldness and anger. He dipped his mouth to me ear, his voice a snarl.

"We are leaving now… Go find your friends." I wanted to defy him, yell and scream, tell him to go fuck himself. I wanted to run, but I didn't. I made my way through the crowd, and found Laurel. I lied and told her I wasn't feeling well, and that I called Simon to come and get me. She frowned and then spotted him in the crowed, giving him a half hearted wave; unable to hide the look of concern on her face. If I would have know that was the last time I would have been capable of touching her, I would have hugged for a few minutes longer. Actually, I would have never let her go.


	60. Chapter 59 - Ouch

I was early, I had let my house with a fury. The idea came to me in the night, lying in my bed with out Will beside me. Missing him, worried about him, worried about his state of mind. Knowing what he was feeling, kicking himself, angry, disappointed and worst of all haunted.

I threw on my sweat pants and ran out the door. Waning to get to him before I had lost the nerve. Before doubt got a hold of me. I used my key, and made my way though the narrow stairwell, his place was quiet and I knew he was still sleeping. I opened his bedroom door and there he was, on my side of the mattress, eyes closed, covers kicked to the bottom of the bed.

I watched him for a moment, and my heart ached. He looked like a little boy. It was nice to see him peaceful. Lately he had been restless in the night, tossing and turning, mumbling incoherent and coherent things. Things I knew he didn't want me to hear. I would shake him, not enough to wake him but enough to stop what ever was happening in his subconscious.

There were so many layers to Will; The fighter, the brother, the cop, the addict, the friend and then there was my love, my lover, my savior and most importantly my friend. There were so many more layers and versions to Will, things we hadn't even touched upon. Things he kept so close. I wanted to know him, the way he knew me but he kept himself so tight, so closed up. I always worried that adding my list of problems to his I feared would be to much for him. Everyone has a breaking point.

I slipped out of my sneakers and sweats, and slid next to him. I could feel the warmth radiating from his body. His eyes fluttered and I kissed his forehead, running my hands down the length of his arm.

"Hey..." His voice was low and husky, he looked at me with his sleepy eyes.

"Hey yourself." He put his arm around my waist as I edged closer to him, my body fitting into his.

"I missed you. I really don't like it when you aren't here. I hate it even more when you aren't here because we had a fight."

"Me too... I am sorry I pushed you..."

"No I am sorry, I should have handled it differently, I should have never let you leave like that. You have the right to know. And I promise one day soon I will tell you Amy I just..."

"I know..." He shifted his body weight, rolling on top of me his core against mine. His arms outstretched looking down at me.

"But I will tell you when I need a meeting or am feeling like I was last night. You were right, I wanted to get high… I really wanted it…I just hate that you see me like that."

"Why? It's part of you Will. You have seen me in all my messy glory and it didn't make you love me less…" He looked at me, with guilt and regret in his eyes.

"I have been dreaming about Maria."

"I know." His eyes looked at me with question. "You say her name sometimes, I uh, shake you and you snap out of it and you fall back asleep."

"How long?"

"Since I've been sleeping with you." He rolled away from me, flat on his back. Staring up at the ceiling.

"Baby, I am so sorry I had no idea."

"I'm not mad." He looked over at me, not believing what I was saying. "Really Will I am not mad…I am not even hurt… I just wish I could make it go away for you. I wish you could tell me so I could understand."

"I don't even understand it myself Amy."

"I have to ask you something…Dalton wants you to come in on Thursday."

"Um, Ok. Can I ask why?"

"Well, I told him about you know…" He raised his eyebrows, "That we made love…anyway right before that… I uh… told him that I wanted to take some time apart… time away from you…"

"Worst moment of my life Amy…"

"Mine too… and then it was the best moment of my life…"

"Why?"

"Why did I want the space?" He nodded once. "I was scared… of needing you… of not being able to function without you…"

"Is that how it was with him…"

"It was… he was my oxygen…my everything… and I was afraid you were becoming the same way." His entire body cringed at my words, his face scrunched up in pain.

"Ouch… I wish I didn't ask…"

"Will, you're not… you're the opposite of that… I can't explain it on words… what the difference is… its just something I feel. Something I know… and it came to me when I watched you walk away. You let me go… you were willing to let me go…"

"I didn't want to… but I don't want you like that…"

"And that's how I knew it was different. How I knew that everything was going to be ok…" I grabbed his hand, brining it to my lips and gently kissed each knuckle.

"So then what does Dalton want to see me for?"

"I think he just wants to you know, see what's going on. And how you are doing…"

"How I am doing?"

"Well, You don't talk to me… and I am worried about you…"

"I am fine, we are fine…" He kissed me, gently at first. His lips warming mine, his hands running under my tank top on the small of my back.

"Move in with me Amy...We have been talking about it for weeks now…"

"Will, I don't know... I mean..."

"You spend most of your time here, and when you don't we are both miserable. Most of your stuff is already here right? I mean if you are not ready that's one thing but if you are afraid that is another."

"I am ready... and I am not afraid..."

"So then what?"

"Are you ready, really ready Will. Or do you just want to keep me safe."

"I will always want to keep you safe, always…. But I want you here…When we fight I want this to be your home, so you have to come back to at least get your mail." I broke out into a fit of laughter.

"You are so stupid, here we are having a serious conversation and you have to go and say that…" My laughter devolved into a small sigh, as I looked into his eyes and the smile on his face.

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"Can we have makeup sex now?" A small smile appeared on his face.

"Did you buy condoms?"

"I did…"

"Then the answer to that question is also yes."


	61. Chapter 60 - White

I had never been in his office before, it was small. Really small. There was stuff everywhere, books photos. His desk was held up by a stack of books, you would think with what he charges Amy for a session the guy could afford a new desk. I kinda felt on edge, I grabbed Amy's hand and rested it on her lap. She smiled, softy and I instantly relaxed. In that moment I made my decision, I was going to tell her. Dalton sat back in his chair, notebook on his lap and looked at Amy and then me.

"So Will, thank you for coming today."

"Well, Amy asked…" She gave my hand a little squeeze and I exhaled loudly. "I have done my fair share of therapy, so I know how important these group sessions can be."

"Did you bring you family into sessions when you were in rehab?"

"Yeah, my dad and my sister." Those sessions were rough, we sat there as they told me how they felt. How my addiction effected them, how they feared for my life. I sat there as Tracy cried, rehashing the day that I told her just to let me die. I day that I could not even remember.

"So you know the drill then."

"More or less…"

"Well, where to start… Amy made me aware that your relationship was taken to another level. I am sure you both understand the importance and potential ramifications that sex will play. I am concerned. It is important that Amy does not fall back into old patterns and with your issues with addiction you both need to be careful."

"Careful about what?" Amy finally spoke, her voice was like a little mouse.

"Well becoming addicted to each other. You have fallen fast and hard. You both have addictive personalities, and issues with boundaries. I want to make sure we take a few minutes, acknowledge the potential quick sand and create a few preemptive guidelines." I nodded, trying to absorb everything he was saying. Knowing that he was right. Amy and I were constantly walking around landmines and one wrong step could have huge ramifications.

"What kind of preemptive guidelines?"

"You both have done quite well, Amy has told me you are very patient and understanding. You both talk to one another, and Will you have done more for her in the time you have known her then all of her years of therapy." I couldn't help but feel pride that he said that. Pride that I had done what Tracy had told me to do… Use my instinct.

"Uh, thank you that means… a lot. But I sense a but…"

"There is no but…You have done a lot of work, you have overcome great obstacles and I understand that you both believe that there is more to come. And I am sad to say that I agree with you." He was talking about Archer, and it became clear to me that Amy spent a good deal of time talking about the future. Talking about Archer coming back for her. "So I want to make sure that you both are as strong and as balanced as possible, so if and when that time comes…"

"We can deal with it…" He nodded and made a quick note in his book. "And Amy thinks my past is a problem right… That's why I am here today…" I felt ambushed, and yet I knew when she asked me to come where this was going.

"You seem to be holding back from Amy and she is worried about you."

"Will, I just want to do for you what you have done for me."

"Amy, you do… you really have no idea… I just… I was not always a good guy. I used people, I cost them their lives and futures. I have this fear that you will… see me differently… see me the way you see…" I couldn't bare to say the word, his name always got caught in my throat. Choking me.

"Simon?" I hated how his name sounded coming from her mouth. She should never have to say his name ever again. I could see the pain in her eyes as she said it and every muscle in my body tightened.

"Will, I understand your trepidation, but you are not Simon Archer."

"No you are not… Will… I could never… would never… There is nothing that you could tell me… You are nothing like Simon…" She turned her body to me. Resting both her hands on my forearm. "Will, I love you. You can tell me anything and I wont judge you because you never judged me. All the things I have told you, all the horrible choices I made. You never made me feel bad or ugly or worthless."

"You were never worthless…"

"Either are you Will…And you don't know it… You are not worthless or weak or any of the things you think you are."

"See this is what I mean, you think I am something that I am not and I don't want to lose that way you look at me when you know…"

"Will, this is where I think the problem lies… Neither one of you are perfect, you are both damaged and frayed. This illusion that Amy sees you as this knight in shining armor…"

"I don't. Will I don't see you like that. I never have."

"Amy how do you see Will?"

"I see him like so many things, but to me he is my best friend… The person I trust… He is strong and honest…"

"I am not honest…"

"You have always been honest with me Will, even when its hard."

"I met Maria, on purpose, it was all a set up…"

* * *

I had always wanted to work undercover, since I was a kid. It was a stupid goal, to want a job that requires you to lie. I worked hard, graduating with Dino at the top of my class, proving myself over and over again. Closing case after case, working my way up, until finally one day my childhood wish came true. I had done some smaller undercover work, taking out small dealers around the city. One of the smaller guys lead the DEA to a bigger fish and that's when they came to me about case they had been working on for over two years.

There had been six overdoes in a single month, all kids under the age of eighteen. All six deaths traced back to a bad batch of coke. The goal was to infiltrate and eliminate Cesare Franco's strong hold in the Bronx. There was already one undercover in, but he didn't have the access that they really needed. Cesare kept his crew close, guys he knew for years. It was near impossible for an outsider to break in and gain his trust. I was known even then for my… abilities with the ladies. That is the second reason they brought me in. Maria Franco. Cesare owned a small bar, that he called Valentino's an homage to what he considered to be his namesake Cesare Borgia. The bar was a front for his other activities but to keep appearances his mother Inez and sister Maria worked the front of the house and the kitchen, so from the passer by it appeared like family run place. Most nights it was packed, the drinks were cheap the food was authentic and any illegal activity was conducted in the basement. There was a time in the beginning, where I thought Maria was clueless about what the place really was. I had never been more wrong about anything in my life.

My cover was simple, contractor renovating a building down the street, looking for a cold beer and a hot meal after a long day at work. I spent my days doing demo, ripping out walls and salvaging moldings and copper pipe and my nights getting Maria to agree to go out on a date with me. After a few weeks of long nights talking to her about the past I had made up, and her telling me about her life she finally agreed to dinner. After that first date, our fate was sealed. Chez was leery of me, he gave me the talk very early on. That if you hurt my sister I will cut your balls off talk. So I kept her happy, very happy. I also did everything in my power to ensure Inez liked me to. She was really the key after all. Chez was a mama's boy, his father was killed in prison when he and Maria were just kids. It was Inez who took over the family business, keeping the family afloat.

It started off slowly, Chez feeling me out. He asked me if I was a cop so many times, it became a joke. His circle of boys jokingly called me "Immigration". I was an outsider dating his baby sister, it took five months before I got an insight as to what was really happening. A guy came into the bar, pissed looking for Chez. He started throwing stuff around and making a scene. By the time Chez came up from the basement, I had already kicked the crap out of the guy for calling Maria a cunt. Chez appeared mid beat down, watching me with a smile on his face. After that he kept me closer.

I was at this for almost a year and I still had nothing. I was feeling pressure from the DEA to get this ball rolling, there had been a dozen more reported deaths. I told Maria I got laid off, and might have to move New Jersey for work, that it might be harder to see her. Her panic about losing me, pushed Chez's hand in the right direction.

Maria was beautiful, but she didn't know it. She was small, just barely five foot two, with long straight black hair, and eyes just as dark. She was quiet unless you pissed her off and then she would curse you out loudly and in Spanish. But she was also extremely needy and insecure, and that's what I played upon; her weakness. A lifetime of her brother keeping Maria in her place. He ruled with fear, mistaking it for respect.

It started off small, taking packages from one place to the next, earning his trust. But that trust came with a price, my sobriety. Chez, was an addict, loved the drama and angst of a room full of his nearest and dearest, high and drunk. Laughing, dancing, fighting. His famous saying was "Until the sun comes up" I remember the first line I ever did. It was fourth of July weekend, he was having a party. His house and yard packed with people. I had been working for him about a month and he took me and few of his boys in the basement, to show off a big shipment that he just smuggled in.

"Sean…" I was used to my new name, it felt more real to me then my family calling me Will. "You ever dance with the white fairy?"

"Nah man, us white kids smoke pot…" He was always calling me out for being the only white kid in the room. "We leave the coke and crack to you darker folks" The room erupted with laughter, and I faked it. I knew this moment was coming, I knew that I would have to lay in the belly of the beast to slay it.

"Take a hit, you know they say you never forget your first."

"Is this the shit you have me dropping off all over the god dammed city?"

"No, that's the shit you have been dropping off." He pointed to the other side of the room, five metal boxes lined up on the floor. "This is the shit with mix with other shit." He grabbed me behind the neck, giving me a shake.

I leaned over the table, taking the small glass straw from him and slid it along the white powder as I inhaled. It burned my nose and throat and then in the fastest second of my life it hit me. Like a surge of pure adrenalin, every part of my body went hot, I could feel the blood rushing through my veins, every thump of my rapid heart beat and I knew that my life would never be the same.

* * *

"It all kind of spiraled from there, having to live a double life, my addiction growing. Maria needing me more and more, Chez giving me more and more responsibility. And to add another layer of fucked up, Tracy and Charlie were getting married. So I had these two very different people I had to be. Will the brother and cop and Sean the drug runner, addict and boyfriend."

"You loved her didn't you?"

"No, that's the worst part, I didn't love her. I told her I did everyday, and she loved me. But I was just using her…"

"No, you loved her Will. You wouldn't been calling her name out in your sleep if you didn't."

"It's the guilt screaming, not love. The guilt and the regret and the lies."

"Will, I understand your feelings of guilt and regret but you have to work on letting it go. Maybe you should come in, on your own. I know you see a sponsor for your addictions. But maybe you need a little more help with letting go of the past."

'It's more like the past won't let go of me."


	62. Chapter 61 - Spiral

Hey everyone... So as of today I have posted 61 chapters, almost 90,000 words in 23 days. And I have all of you guys to thank for that. Your support and reviews have puched me to write, pused me to post and move this story that has been living in my head out on paper. We are at the halfway mark, I know you all are wondering when Simon is getting out...I dont want to give too much away so all I wll say is soon.

I have been using music again to keep the story on track... Mumford and Sons/I gave you all and Blank white page - Snow Patrol/set fire to the third bar - John mayer/slow dancing in a burning room - Ron Pope/seven english girls...

I want to give a shout out to Sewikel for being my 100th follower on this story! YAY Finally... I feel like it has been a bit of a battle to get ya'll to read this... I am so glad you guys thatgave it a try are sticking with it...

* * *

The sweat was dripping down my back. I was naked, hands and feet cuffed, bent over the desk in Simon's office. My ocean blue sweater, shredded in pieces on the floor. The beads from my necklace scattered to places unknown. He stood behind me, his hand beating my ass over and over. A slow steady rhythm; Simon was eerily calm as he did it making me count each slap. We were up to fifteen and I knew he was trying to make me safe word. I wanted to, badly the pain was intense but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction again, once was enough for today. We hit twenty smacks and he finally stopped. He was breathless and his voice edged with anger when he told me he was going to fuck me now.

He pulled me up, and spun me around so that my eyes met his.

"Do realize what you did today Amy? Making me so angry." His eyes were blank and cold, my Simon was gone.

"Fuck you Simon, you are the one who took it to far. And you know it." He smacked me in the mouth, and I could taste the blood on my tongue and then he kissed me, his tongue taking over mine. I gasped for breath, and bit his lower lip. He growled, a low satisfied growl and put his hands on my sore ass, pulling my core to his. His large hard cock, pressing into me. I wanted him, that is the kicker in all of this. I was angry, embarrassed, beaten and bloody and I still wanted him. I needed him and I hated myself for it.

"Tell me you love me." He commanded me and I couldn't bring myself to say it. "Tell me AMY!"

"I love you Simon."

"Tell me you want me."

"You know I want you. I always want you." He spun me back around and bent me over the desk, giving my ass one hard mind bending slap before he pushed into me in one hard thrust. Pushing my body flat against his desk, my cheek pressed against the cool marble top, his hand pulling on to my hair as he continued to fuck me, pushing harder and faster. The edge of the desk was pushing into my belly, causing me another level of pain. I felt like I was going to pass out, I was still drunk, I was being assaulted with pleasure and pain in different layers. I couldn't breathe or move and then it began to build, deep inside of me. Growing, becoming stronger and stronger. I screamed out, as every cell in my body burst. I couldn't even think about Simon, he became an abstraction as my mind separated from my body and I felt the downward spiral begin…

I woke up the next morning, my head on Simons stomach, his hand in my hair. My head was pounding, there was not a part of my body that didn't ache. My ass was throbbing, the pain bordering unbearable. I slid off the bed and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My naked body covered in bruises in various shades, from different places and times. My ass was read and purple and blue, the marks of Simons hands viable along the edges. I touched my had to the tender skin and it was burning hot and squishy like a blister. I couldn't believe the reflection looking back at me in the mirror was my own. There was a hollowness in my cheeks, a fragility to my body and a dying light in my eyes.

I took a handful of Advil and a huge chug of water. Hoping they would kick in sooner then later and made my way to the bathroom to pee. Just sitting in the toilet seat was painful. There was no way that I was going to be able to sit at my parents house for Jeff's family birthday dinner. Shame filled my soul, everything as falling apart. I shuffled back to the bed and laid back down, forming my body to Simon's he turned to me, wrapping his arm around my waist.

"Are you ok?" His voice was filled with regret and a good amount of his own shame.

"No. No I am not." My voice cracked, and I began to cry. Uncontrollable deep sobs, fat hot tears falling from my eyes. He held me tighter, rocking me gently.

"I am sorry, you know that don't you. You know how much I love you Amy."

"I know, I just… I can't take this anymore Simon. It needs to stop, all this pain. I just can't… And I don't think you can either."

"Ok, no more. No more. Ok… just don't leave me Amy…Ok…"

"I won't… I won't."

"I don't know what I would do if you every left me…"


	63. Chapter 62 - Choke

I am posting late tonight, i almost didnt post at all. But i know some of you really look forward to my daily posts... I edited as much as my weary brain would allow...lololol... please ignore spelling/tense issues...

I hope you like this chapter... i really enjoyed writing it.

I am behind on my review and PM responses... I will catch up in a day or so... I have been reading them though and you guys humble me... seriously... you 100+ followers Rock!

Until tomorrow...

* * *

"Baby are you hungry? I am thinking pizza…" It was the first thing he had said to me since leaving Daltons office, hours before. We came home and Will retreated to his office downstairs, I opted for the zombie mind numbing properties of HGTV. I didn't want to push, I wanted to give him the time to process everything that had just happened. I listened to him, every word filled with pain and regret and guilt. I heard him pounding up the metal back staircase and my heart began to quicken with each step. Maybe he would feel ambushed and angry that I asked him to come. Maybe it wasn't my place, to force him. I mean I didn't want anyone forcing me to do anything. But then I felt like he needed the push, he needed to know that I was not going to run. That there was nothing he could tell me that make me think any different.

"Earth to Amy… pizza?" I wrinkled my nose at the idea of pizza.

"No pizza…Do you feel like cooking?" he plopped down on the sofa next to me, resting his hand on my knee. I was fairly sure he wasn't mad, but I still couldn't get a read on him.

"Will…"

"I am not mad Amy, really…"

"I would understand if you were I mean… I would be mad…"

"I am not mad, I knew going in… You have asked me for months and I would clam up each time. I mean there is still more but I should have been able to tell you… Its not that I didn't want to, I mean yes I didn't want to tell you… This is so not coming out right…"

"There are things that happened to me Will.. Things that I will never say out loud… Things that I don't want you to know… I am not expecting you to tell me everything… I just need to know what you have been through, like the bullet points… so I can understand where your triggers are and when you need me you pull you close and when you need space…" he sat the quietly, his eyes fixed straight ahead. I could feel him shutting off, his mind in another place. "Will… a penny for your thoughts…" He was silent for a moment, and then he would open his mouth to talk and then stop himself. I inched closer to him on the sofa, threading my arm under his elbow and talking his hand.

"I want to kill Archer." he said it so low, so quietly. I wasn't sure I heard him correctly, but I did.

"I know." I rested my head on his shoulder, staring off into nothing. Hearing Simon's voice in my head, telling me all the way he could kill me.

"I mean I want to have him killed… like tomorrow…"

"I know… But you won't…

"I know…"

" It is not who you are Will. Its not who I want you to be."

"We need to start the hands on training Amy, you need to learn… I need to teach you. That is the only control we have here. That's it."

"Tomorrow… we will start tomorrow. Ok… Tomorrow."

* * *

I was beating on Irving, I mean seriously beating on him… left… Right… Jab… Hook… Over and over… Will shouting out commands… I was dripping with sweat, breathless, muscles tight and this was just the warm up. Will had a renewed purpose.

"Ok, baby… are you ready to give this a try?" I wiped my face with the bottom of my shirt and nodded yes. Truth was I wasn't sure, not by a long shot but I couldn't delay it another second.

"Ok…were do we start?" he folded his arms over his chest and frowned.

"I am not sure really, I have thought about this over and over… My usual way wont work. I just cant see myself throwing you around…"

"You need to… You just need to do it. Just rip off the band aid. I can take it Will."

"Who would have thought that it would be you having to convince me." He shook his head and chuckled and then I saw the change take over him. He stood a little taller, his shoulders taught and straight, my Will was being pushed back and trainer Will was moving forward. He put his hands on my shoulders, and moves my body a few feet to the middle of the mats. He stood in front of me. He was slightly crouched, his hands open; his left hand lower then the right.

"Ok Amy, I want you to throw a right, and then a left… I am going to block you. I want you to watch my movements… we are going to do this over and over and then we are going to switch. I am going to throw the punches and you are going to block." I nodded but I could feel that feeling brewing inside of me. I had not felt it for weeks, maybe even months. A quiver in my belly, a pulse in my head. "Amy…look at me…" I raised my eyes to meet his and took a very deep breath. "You can do this…"

I changed my stance, and pretended that Will was Irving, just an Irving that could punch back. I threw my left first, hearing Will voice in my head how the best defiance is to be unpredictable. Swinging from my hip, I pushed my arm forward with all the speed and strength I was capable of. He brought his left arm up, knocking my arm away from him. The impact, the sound of his arm knocking into mine made me uncomfortable. But I pushed that out of my head and threw my best right at him only to be deflected once more.

"Look at you with the sneaky left...Good job Amy, Again…"

Almost an hour later, and I had finally gotten the hang of it and successfully deflected Will punches time and time again. He was careful, never making contact all the times I had missed. We were both laying side my side on the mats, exhausted and out of breath. He reached over and grabbed my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You did really good today…" He brought our linked hands up to his lips and kissed my hand, then resting it in his chest,

"So did you…"

I had this gnawing question for years, a what if question. The worst kind. There is a moment, a short second that passes before a line is crossed. Before the line is obliterated. You see it coming, and your mind holds on to that second, holding on to the idea that you could have done something, anything you may have changed everything. So you spend the rest of your life wondering what if. What if I could have defended myself from Simon. Who would I be now? I think I would be married to Owen, living a life of quiet, happy, desperation. Still living a life full of what if's and maybe's. Dreaming about Simon and the life we could have had. If only…

The idea of a life without Will in it causes this sadness to brew in my body. This complete and total feeling of pain. A pain unlike any I have experience before. But a life without the memories of those four days, the scars and the damage and the pain… If only I could have met Will in another place and time. But I wouldn't change a thing… If only…

"Will, is there a way to protect myself if someone was..." I paused for a second, not sure if I wanted to bring my mind to that dark scary place. "Never mind..."

"If some one was what Amy?" I just exhaled, unable to say the words. "Baby, if someone was…"

"If someone was on top of me, choking me..." Will gritted his teeth, his body tightening, I could feel it in the grasp of his hand around mine.

"There is... but... I don't know if I can... get in that position with you... I mean..."

"No I get it... It's not a position I want to be in again..." I knew his fear, that I would look at him and see Simon. Honestly it used to be my fear as well, but now it seemed so stupid. There is no way that I could see Will like that.

"Show me... I will be you..." He shocked us both as he said it.

"I don't think I can..."

"Yes you can... lets just try. OK, we have come this far. Lets try because it's something you need to know…"

"Just in case." He closed his eyes at the thought and my stomach did this twist.

He gave my hand a tug, and I awkwardly rolled to my side and then pushed my body up off the ground. I stood over him, wondering what Simon was thinking the moment he was standing over me like this. O bet he felt powerful and strong and aroused. I bet he thought he owned me, that I was his property. I was twisting the left side of my tee-shirt, as I tried to put myself in his mindset. How could he have done this to me? How did he look down at my bloody face, my tears my pain and keep going?

You can do this Amy...

I stood over Will my feet in each side of his body, I could see the tension in his muscles, the strained look on his face, as I lowered myself down to my knees, my butt resting on his stomach, my hands flat against his chest.

"Am I too heavy?" The insecurity Giant was brewing in me again.

"No baby... you are not... Another place and another time and I would be enjoying this." He had this slick smile on his face and I chuckled, shaking us both. Will could always make the most tense moments light. I exhaled loudly, and leaded forward my hands on either side of his head and I kissed his forehead. "Ok, tell me what happened?"

"I was almost passed out at this point. He punched me twice. I was dizzy and I hit my head on the floor. He was slapping me awake, he wanted me coherent. It's really all a blur but I always felt like if I could have stopped him at this moment, he never would have tied me up. Once that happened..."

"You were powerless... What happened after he punched you?" he could barely get the words out. I could feel his hate for Simon emitting from his body like sonar.

"He put his one hand around my throat... and then he..."

"Put your hand on my throat Amy... I will show you what to do." I placed my thumb on Will's Adam apple and he reached up an wrapped his fingers around my wrist. "You need to put force behind it Amy... You cant hurt me... so don't worry about that." I squeezed my fingers tightly around his neck, my eyes locked with his. I was shaking, and the tears were brimming in my eyes. I released him quickly...

"I can't... fuck... I can't... I can't…" Everything went black, the room feeling small. I couldn't move or breathe, I couldn't think. I could only feel. I was once again in my uptown apartment, the scent of my favorite vanilla candle filling the room. My back pressed to the old pine floors, the taste of blood in my mouth. Simon voice in my head... his hand around my throat...

"Amy... open your eyes and look at me." Will voice was stern, he was trying to pull me out of it but all that got thru was Simons steady voice, his words between each and every thrust.

You think you can leave me Love… Do you think I would just let you go… You're a liar Amy… You're just like all the rest… Tell me you want me… Tell me you love me… TELL ME…

Wills arms came up around me, shaking me slightly. Every muscle in my body tight. I could feel myself gasping for air, wheezing, trying to pry his fingers off my throat. My eyes tearing, feeling like they were going to explode.

"AMY... look at me... please...ONE… TWO… THREE… Amy count with me… FOUR…" I opened my eyes slowly, blinded by tears. Will pulled me towards his chest, his arms enveloping me. My head rested next to his, sobbing.

"5...6...7..."

"Good… just count and breathe…Baby... just breathe ok... just breathe... you are here with me.. you are safe..."He kept repeating it over and over, trying to convince himself as much as me. Time passed, and my breathing began to match his and he soothed me by stroking my back over and over.

I finally stopped counting, and relaxed against him. My entire body flat against his.

"Are you back?"

"Yeah…I think so."

"That was bad one, I have not seen you like that in a while."

"I know… I uh… I didn't it to myself… I went to a place, that I shouldn't have."

"I am sorry I pushed you."

"No…no…it wasn't that… It wasn't the position of my body… it want my hand on your throat. It was here, in my head. Its where he lives… in my head. Like he's trapped there. I could have been sitting on the sofa, and let my mind drift and it would have happened. I just need to be stronger."

"You are the strongest person I know."

"Kiss me Will." I needed to feel safe, and loved. I never felt those things more then when Will's lips were on mine. He smiled and lifted his head slightly pressing his lips to mine. My mouth opened slightly, sucking on his bottom lip, a growl escaping from the back of his throat. He shifted his weight, turning us both over, our positions switched. I raised my hands up, holding his face, wrapping my legs around his waist keeping him close.

I could hear the door open, it sent a shock through me. Will and I both froze as his noon class started making their way through the door.

"Hey Will, you want us to come back? You guys look busy..." I wanted to get up, dying from embarrassment but Will just held me there and laughed shaking us both.

"Very funny Kenny...Just for that I am going to make you work doubly hard today.." Will release his grip on me and whispered in my ear. "You ok to get up?" I nodded my head yes as he peeled his body away from mine. He stood and then pulled me off the floor. We stood there for a moment, my cheeks burning. The few students watching us with huge goofy smiles on their faces.

"Will, I am sorry." He put his arm around my waist and kissed the side of my forehead.

"Baby steps...Amy, Baby steps."


	64. Chapter 63 - Darkness

Hey everyone... Thank you all for reading, your reactions to my last chapter brought a few tears to my eyes... I am so glad that momnet came across the way i saw it in my head...

Many of you have said that you see this as a movie... I was wondering who you all would cast... I have people in my head and i wonder if you guys are seeing the same ones.

I am going to be taking a few days off from writing, the upcoming chapters ahve been intense and i need a break from Simon... Seriously i know how crazy that sounds... but its true... I will be posting chapters for this and fifty ways on Sunday...

Until then... xoxo PPP

* * *

I loved her the first moment I laid eyes on her. There was something about her, an innocence and a bright glowing light and drew me to her. It felt like a calling, a silent but powerful voice in my head telling me... She is your future...

She made me want a future, something I had never spent any time thinking about. My focus was living the now, getting through the day. Keeping the beast at bay. Fighting with it every moment just for a small semblance of peace. And somehow when Amy was near I could repress him and unleash him but still be in control. She saw the beast and accepted him, loved me despite him. Wanted me. She loved all parts of me. No one ever had before, everyone else had left and abandon me. They couldn't handle the beast. They couldn't love me with out conditions or lofty expectations. .

I thought foolishly that Amy would endure, and love me forever. I think she believed it too, until she didn't anymore. Her friends and family, getting in the way; My sister and father in the way, Honora in the way... Thinking they know us, thinking they know our love. They convinced her that I was an animal, that I was not worthy of her, of her love and she believed them. She promised that she wouldn't leave me and then she did.

Two days ago she snuck out in the middle of the night, leaving me alone in our bed. Amy wouldn't speak to me, see me, she didn't come into work, she just cut me off for two days. I called over and over again, texts and messages. When she finally picked up the phone and I could hear her sweet voice, I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew that she would forgive me for what I had done. What she had made me do.

I sat in the Starbucks waiting, waiting and waiting. She was late, over fifteen minutes. I knew she was playing her little game, trying to keep me on my toes. Trying to see if she could make me angry. It was a test, a test I was going to pass. I saw her in the window, and I couldn't breathe.

She looked beautiful, two days without her and I almost forgot. Her hair down just the way I liked it; Washed but not styled, her natural waves framing her face. I face was free of makeup, her luminous skin shining like a light was turned on from within. Her green eyes were marked with dark circles, proof of her sleepless nights without me beside her. She made her way through the crowd, her arms wrapped around her body like a hug, and sat in the chair beside me.

"Hello Love." I wanted to put my arms around her, kiss her, take her home. But I knew this was a test. She would give me a piece of her mind, her damn stubborn streak, she would expect me to argue, but i wont. I will show her that things can be different that I can be different.

"Hello..." She didn't say my name... I need to hear her say my name...

"Do you want some coffee or maybe that lemon cake i know you like?" She just shook her head no.

"I uhh... I am not really sure where to begin..."

"Let me begin then... What happened should not have happened. I am very sorry for the part that I played...as I am sure you are too..."

"What do I have to be sorry for?" Anger flashed across her face, replacing the fear. Both of which excited me.

"Amy, you know just what buttons to push... and then leaving in the middle of the night like a thief."

"So I was pushing your buttons and that's why you forced me to have sex with you..."

"Force... I forced you... is that how you see it or how your friends told you to see it." Damn it I was failing the test, see... she always knew what buttons to press always knowing how to get me going.

"Simon, I said no..." She finally said my name a hope began to build.

"And then you came... twice..." She was silent for a few moments and I knew I had her. I knew it was only a matter of time.

"Look, I cant do this anymore..." No! I could feel the panic start in my head, screaming out... No she could not leave me.

"Love, look at me... I am sorry. You are right it went to far. It wont happen again. You must give us another chance. Let me prove to you how different things can be."

"We have tried that, it was good for a few weeks but then it all starts again... I can't... I love you... so much... too much... but I love myself more... I cant be in pain all the time, I cant be afraid all the time..." There were tears in her eyes, but she wouldn't allow them to fall. Trying to prove to me how string, how stubborn she was. She reached into her picket and pulled out a black box. I knew what was inside, her diamond necklace. I wanted it to be a diamond ring. But after the weeks leading up to her birthday, I feared that a ring would scare her off.

"Here, you should take this back. I cant accept it." I extended my hand and she placed the box in my palm. She could have just put it on the table, but no... she wanted me to touched her. I grabbed her hand as she stood, locking my eyes with hers. Relief washed over me as the tears finally fell and for a moment I thought she had changed her mind. I was convinced that she did. I could see her love for me and then as quickly as it came it was gone. She was gone. I followed her, a few blocks and when I saw her it was like a stab straight to me heart. She met Jeff on the street, he was waiting for her, putting his arm over her shoulder. Holding her close, holding my Amy...

* * *

"Simon, can you come up to my office please." My father, that stupid bastard calling me to his office, like I was a student and he was the master. I put on my jacket and made my way to the elevator. I was on edge already, Amy was being ridiculous, unreasonable. Ignoring me for two weeks, taking my flowers to some women's shelter. She was trying to move on with out me and I couldn't let her. I wouldn't let her. And now my father wanted to add to the cluster fuck that had become my life.

I got into the elevator and my mind went to a better time, a better place. Remembering the day I had met Amy in the very place, standing in the same spot where we began. Remembering the time, only weeks ago when we fucked in the corner, stuck between floors; after a very late night. I missed kissing her, being inside of her, the way it felt having my hands on her, hearing her say my name.

I walked into my father office with a sense of dread, not wanting to hear another lecture about what I had done to Amy or how to conduct myself. When I was a child, growing up in London my fathers office was my favorite place to be. I would sit in his leather chair and play CEO for hours, of course that was a long time ago in a place very far away. He gestured for me to sit and then he cleared his throat.

"I am not really sure how to say this, except to just say it. I am letting you go Simon." His voice was stone cold and flat, like usual. No emotion.

"Excuse me?!" My head began to rattle and shake. I could not believe what I was hearing."

"Honora won't move forward with the deal as long as you have any involvement with this company. What happened between you and Amy last week has left a lasting impression... for us all." He looked at me in disgust. You would have thought I bet Amy to death, they way everyone was going on. We had a fight, I yelled, I shook.

"Then tell him to go to bloody hell and fuck the god dammed take over."

"You know we cant do that, we need this technology Simon. Not just for the tablets but for other projects as well. This could lead to a huge government contract. And to be honest, I don't want you here either. You have become a liability... What happened to Amy on a profession level was disturbing... but on a personal level I want to beat the shit out of you everyday. Amy is like a daughter to me..." He was yelling now, angry. All of his coldness melted. I could see the hate he felt for me, he was jealous of my relationship with Amy. I could see how he looked at her, wanting what was mine.

"AND I AM YOUR SON!"

"Yes, yes you are... Maybe you should remember that Simon, remember who you are, who you are suppose to be. Not who you are becoming..."

"I am becoming what you made me."

"I didn't make you this..." He pounded his fist on the desk, and stood, his body crouched over.

"You left me to fend for myself!"

"Enough Simon, I did everything in my power to find you... If you really believe that I would leave my ONLY son, my flesh and blood to rot because of money... I wanted to help you... I hired the best, to find you… They said no police, I believed they would have killed you. If I would have had the money liquid, I would have paid double what they asked for. I tried get you to a therapist... I wanted you to talk about it... but you wouldn't... you didn't want anyone to know... I respected that... But I did everything i could... I wanted to keep you alive..."

"You wanted to keep your fifty million dollars." I could feel the beast pumping in my veins, bursting from my body, telling me to throw things, break things, starting with my father face. I took a deep breath and stood from the chair, and buttoned my jacket. My father stood as well, we stood there like two elks before the fight, waiting for our horns to meet.

"Simon, this is not how I wanted this to be. In the beginning, you were doing so amazingly well... I was really proud of you... proud to work with you. Amy was so very good for you. But now, I cant risk everything because you are in a bad mood or having a bad day. You need to leave, maybe in some time you can come back. Get yourself some help, talk to someone."

I turned on my heel, storming out of his office slamming the heavy door behind me. I looked at my watch it was just after eight...

I didn't need help... I needed Amy.. My Amy...


	65. Chapter 64 - Dresses

Hey Guys- I took a much needed few days away from Simon and worked on Fifty Ways... I have reworked all of the chapters to that story to support a longer narritive. So check that out and please re-read all the chapters, much info had been added.

Now back to Darkness and White... Thank you all for your reviews this week. I am getting more followers a bit at a time, so to all the new comers thank you for taking the time to read this story that means so much to me. I am writing some lighter chapters...

Also, as i was reading the story this weekend I was struck by something. In the beginning, i was using Christian as an inspiration for Simon, but looking back I realize that it is Will who is the Christian like character in the story. The only thing that Simon and Will have in common is the Dom thing and even that is different for Simon (as he likes to be a Dom and a Sub), Simon is really more like the Jack Hyde character, the flip side to the Christian coin. Where as Will has this dark past that he got help for, works on daily to keep in check and loves Amy in a way that can not be explained. Just something that came to me this weekend... Thoughts?

Also... I would love to hear more casting thoughts... I will revel mine soon but i am getting such a kick out of hearing your ideas.

Will be starting a Twitter this week...There are just not enough hours in the day. WHy cant someone pay me to write all day! lolololol

Until tomorrow... xoxo PPP

* * *

The next morning I pounded on Laurel's door with out warning, full of vim and vigor. The idea ripe in my head, not sure if I could even go through with it but knowing that if I could, I needed her help. I needed her expertise. I pounded again, impatient. The door swung open and I was stunned to find a half naked Jeff standing in the door way, eyes half closed scratching the back of his head.

"Jesus Christ Amy, we are sleeping…" He growled at me, but moved aside so I could pass him though the door. I loved Laurel's apartment, it was so totally and completely her. A mix of flea market finds and stuff that had been passed down, everything had been repainted or recovered. The art work was all hers, funky portraits of all the people she loved the most and her amazing photography of our neighborhood. It always smelled amazing too, like a Moroccan spice market.

"Sorry Jeff, God please go put some clothes on… I don't need to see all of that so early in the morning." I blocked the lower region of his body with my hand. He looked down in his tighty whitey glory and laughed. "I mean someone could lose an eye." We both laughed as he flexed trying to reign in his beer belly.

"No one invited you here Aims…We WERE sleeping." He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, and his lips pursed. Pretending to be pissed.

"Like I need an invitation. And don't look at me like that, its ten in the morning you guys should be up already!" Laurel made her appearance, wrapped in a sheet, yawning.

"Hey Aims, what are you doing here so early, I didn't think girls night started till six?" She gave Jeff a peck on the cheek and there was this moment between them, as his hands wrapped around her, their eyes locked. . Just a split second that made my insides go to jelly. I loved that they were together and happy… Finally.

"It's not that early its ten in the morning… jeeze… Can you both please go put some clothes on… I need help… a lot of help." I plopped down on her thrift store sofa waiving my hands towards her bedroom. "Go… hurry up."

"God you can be so damn bossy Aims…" Jeff was huffing, not his most attractive quality.

"Shut it Jeffy."

"See…" He looked at Laurel and then pointed at me.

"He is right, you are Bossy Mc Bossypants all of a sudden."

"I rue the day I ever said you guys should get together… RUE! I am totally out numbered now!"

* * *

"Ok we are dressed and ready what do you need?" I sat there sipping a cup of hot tea with lemon and honey, Laurel sat beside me at the dining table pouring herself a cup and Jeff stood behind her hands on her shoulders.

"Well a few things… first.. I need you to cut my hair…"

"SHUT UP really? Really? Really?" Her excitement bordered the time I bought her In Sync tickets for her birthday.

"Really… it's time… I think on some level, I didn't want to cut it because, well this was the hair I had when I was the old me. Before…" I twisted the bottom few inches of my hair, eager to see it go but also uncertain. " Well just before…

"Do I get to do whatever I want?" Her eyes grew wide with possibility, I could see the hamster in her mind turning on its wheel. I didn't want to kill her fun, but I didn't want to look like a walking freak show either.

"Within reason. There will be no blue streaks of 02' or Betty Page bang of 03'and there will be no buzzing of any kind!"

"You looked cute with your bangs like that." She said defensively as she squeezed a lions share of honey into her tea. No wonder she had so much energy.

"No you didn't. Not even a littlie." I smiled at Jeff, he hated those bangs almost as much as I did. He gave me his Mets cap just to cover up the evidence that summer.

"Hey, who's side are you on!"

"Which ever one of you is right…sorry baby, those bangs were the worst." He kissed the top of her head and then fished a bowl and a box of cereal out of the cabinet. "You guys want any?" We both shook our heads no and got back to the business at hand.

"So a haircut… can I please do your eyebrows too?" I ran my fingers over my brows, feeling self conscious.

"What's wrong with my eyebrows?"

"Nothing is wrong with them but they could be so much better. Please."

"Fine. But before all that we need to go shopping, I need a dress." They both looked at me surprised.

"For what?" Jeff asked with his mouth full of Fruity Pebbles.

"Well, Will has a friends wedding tonight and I would like to go with him… I am not sure how that is going to go but…"

"Holy shit Amy this is HUGE!"

"It's a wedding Laurel… it's just a wedding. I am trying to keep it in perspective."

"No, your right, its just a party… Wow… ok… So its like makeover day then?" She drummed her hands on the table, bobbing her shoulders up in down in a little dance. "Make over day!"

"I guess yeah… But I need to be ready by six… ok…" I smiled and laughed, I couldn't help it her excitement was catching.

"Make over day!"

"Uh where do I fit into this equation kiddos?" Jeff finally sat down, and draped his arm over Laurel's chair. He was going to be the harder sell, but I really wanted him there. He was always my strength, the reason I went on a roller coaster at Seaside Heights the summer I turned fifteen. Jeff was the reason no one fucked with me in high school. He was the reason that I was alive.

"You are my male opinion…" His arm dropped off the back of Laurels chair along with his jaw as he shook his head no.

"I am not going dress shopping with the two of you, no way no day…"

"Jeff, I need to go to the mall… You know that I hate the mall… I need you there for moral support and brawn… you scare people away. That is a very good thing if you're me." I was begging, whining, hands clapped together. I was pulling out all the stops, Laurel joined in and batted her eyes for extra effect.

"Don't you have a dress you can wear?" He almost whined but I knew the real reason he was hesitant.

"They don't fit anymore…"

"You never know you have lost a bunch of weight."

"I would need to lose a bunch more to get into any of those dresses."

"I bet not, you look great kiddo. I am not saying I won't take you two… I just mean… we have tried the mall thing before and it went less then well… I just want to keep you in a good head…"

"I know I remember, but that was a long time ago… I am leaps and bounds better then I was." He thought about it for a moment,. Then looked at Laurel then back at me, I could seethe moment he gave in.

"Ok, if you are sure. Lets go before I change my mind… I will drive."

"SHOTGUN!" Laurel and I both called out in unison…

* * *

The dress turned out to be easier then any of us thought. We found it the first place we went. I had been hovering around a size sixteen before I started working out with Will. It was a tight sixteen but a sixteen none the less. The dress I ended up with was a well fitted ten, which came as surprise. All these months and I hadn't bought anything new. Just choosing a dress seemed so daunting. There were so many things to contend with, my scars were the biggest issue. I didn't want them seen at all. I also wanted to be as covered up as possible with out looking like an Italian widow, as Laurel put it. So we had to outlaw black as a color option. Of course black was the most sliming choice, so now fit came into play. It need to fit in a way that didn't draw attention to my curves but didn't make me feel like a house either. I was going to be meeting Will's friends, I didn't want them to think Will was dating a Amish grandmother.

It was Jeff who found the dress, much to Laurel's shock and awe. I would have never picked it out or even given it a second look. It was a deep dark red, with a low v-necked, showing off the few inches of skin that was not marred with scars, making my boobs center stage. They poured out from the top in a really good way. My boobs were the one good thing to come of my weight gain. It had fitted three quarter length sleeves, with tiny jeweled buttons on the cuffs, cinching in at the waist, and it me right at the knee. It showed what needed to be seen and hid what needed to be hidden.

Laurel squealed when she saw me in it, while she hugged Jeff. I felt good, really good. Just a regular girl buying a dress with her friends. It was kind of amazing actually. A year ago, this would have never been possible.

After the dress the rest was surprisingly easy, Laurel found me a crazy high pair of black platform heels, but I couldn't walk two feet in them. Instead I found a pair of open toed black pumps with a heel that I could dance in. Then she found the cutest red lace bra and panty set and a black beaded necklace that tied with a black satin ribbon. We even picked up a new pair of jeans, and some long sleeved tee-shirts that would come in handy for the warmer weather. I left the mall with bags full of goodies and a renewed sense of self. I could be a girl again. Maybe, the black and grey and baggy jeans were a thing of the past.

An hour later I was in Laurel's salon, getting my hair washed. (I had invested money in her talent years ago and she had made a great success, paying me back in full two years later) I could feel her trepidation about touching me, and saw her hands shaking as she squeezed the shampoo from the bottle. All of our contact had been short quick hugs, and those could be counted on one hand.

"Hey Katherine Hepburn. Relax. It's ok." She looked down at me, and smiled at my joke but I could tell that she was holding back.

"This is a big deal for me Amy… I have not been able to really touch you… for years… You know…" Her voice got tight and she wiped a tear off her cheek with her shoulder. "When we were kids, it was always you and me against the world. I have really missed you…Its nice having you back… like this.. Shopping today and now I get to cut your hair…I never… thought…"

"I've missed you Laurel…" My bottom lip began to quiver and tremble. I reached up and put my hand around her small waist, squeezing her tightly. "I feel like Shelby in Steele Magnolia's." We both burst out laughing, the sad moment broken.

"If you're Shelby then I get to be Truvy…"

"I always saw you as more of a Weeza…"

Getting my hair washed was always my favorite part of getting a hair cut. The hot water on my scalp, the gentle motion of Laurel's hands massaging the tension away. All the times over the years, even when we were kids and would play hairdresser, she would do this. In that moment I realized how much I had missed this. Missed her, missed how our friendship used to be. When she didn't have to walk on eggshells when she was around me.

"I really like Will…" She looked down on me, with half smile on her face. "He has changed you, but in a good way." I knew she was comparing him to Simon who had changed me in a bad way.

"Yeah, he has. I uh, don't know where I would be without him."

"You would have gotten here eventually… just not today. Ok Aims, lets get you in my chair and get rid of all this hair."

* * *

I stood in the mirror a few hours later and I could not believe my eyes. It was like a different person standing there. My hair was where it all started. Laurel lopped of like ten inches, leaving it just above my shoulder ( so I could still tie it back for workouts, my one requisite) She sliced in a long bang and then convinced me to lighten the color a bit, weaving in honey and gold threads to my dark brown locks. She then blew it out pin straight, like a razors edge and it shined and shimmered. I couldn't stop running my fingers through it, it felt so light. Literally a weight had been lifted.

Laurel was right about my eyebrows, a couple of painful rips of wax later and they changed the shape of my face. She also did my makeup, keeping it light and simple. A little blush, a touch of mascara and highlighter, a glossy lip. A more polished version me, not the old me either. A new a different me. Amy 2.0. The old me was gone and even thought I missed her this new Amy wasn't half bad; considering what she had been through. Considering she found strength in pain.

The dress and shoes came together perfectly and the necklace gave me a bit of shimmer that I needed. I felt amazing but also worried. Getting dressed was one thing, finding the balls to actually go to Will's and then go to the wedding was a totally different story. I was already having doubts, the crowd of strangers, the loud pounding music, the drinking. But I pushed them all out of my head and kept my mind on Will.

Jeff offered to drive me over to Will's, sensing my nervous energy. I left my car at Laurel's and she would drive it over for our brunch plans in the morning. A girls night do over, only with the guys too.

"You look good kiddo." He knocked his elbow into my shoulder, the first time he had made an attempt to touch me.

"You found a great dress, you have great taste. Thank you."

"It's not the dress, it's you. You are happy and it shows. Will he is a good guy… everything he has done for you… I am really glad you both found one another." Jeff was not one to express emotion or feelings, I should have been gracious but I couldn't resist.

"You are all mushy now that you are in L-O-V-E."

"I hate you, you know that don't you. I try to be nice like once every five years and you have to go and spoil the moment." He shook his head as he pulled in front of Wills apartment.

"I am happy for you too Jeff, you and Laurel make sense."

"Yeah we really do. She is it I think."

"You think?"

"I know…I know she is it. I always have, but I am an idiot."

"I am not going to argue with you there."

"Yeah well idiot runs in our family. I think Will is it for you too right?"

"Yeah, he is."

"Everything works out in the end. Look I know you are freaking out about tonight. I would be in your shoes. But when you want to do that panic thing, think about how far you have come and think about where you are going. You are an unstoppable force Amy… You will be fine."

"I so want to make fun of you right now Deepak Chopra, but damn it you really just helped me…" I kissed his cheek and gave him a hug. It was the first time I had really touched him, in a meaningful way. He held on to me tightly and I could sense he didn't want to let me go. Tears started to well up in my eyes and I knew I was about to ruin all of Laurel's hard work.

"You're making me cry jerk!" He released me quickly and I realized he was crying too.

"Not a word Amy… I am serious." I laughed as he wiped at his eyes, replacing tears with fake anger. "Amy I am serious… not a word."


	66. Chapter 65 - White

I was feeling strange, like something was missing. I didn't feel up to a wedding. I mean, I didn't mind the wedding so much I just really wanted Amy there with me. I wanted her to be well enough to go, I wanted her to meet my friends, eat bad chicken marsala, do the electric slide. Just be a plain old couple, going to a friends wedding. But she wasn't ready, not yet. Maybe one day but not today.

I pulled my black suit out of the back of my closet and tore off the plastic bag from the cleaners. The last time I put this on I was headed to my father's funeral. I tried to shake that awful day from my head, wishing I had two suits. Wishing my father was still alive and well. Wishing that he could have known Amy. If there was ever a time I needed my fathers advice and guidance it was now.

It was just before five, and I was running late. I sent Amy a quick text that I would pick her up at Laurel's after the wedding around midnight. I had not seen or heard from her all day. She left after breakfast that morning, with no real explanation and I missed her. I felt uneasy about the lack of contact. We usually talk through out the day. Maybe she was still mad about me going to the wedding, about being shady and trying not to tell her. I just wanted to keep her safe and happy; I was willing to risk everything to do that, even my own safety and happiness.

I was struggling with what happened in the studio, hearing what Simon had done with her in more detail. The more I learned about their life together and those horrible four days the more angry I would become, the more anxiety I felt, the stronger my resolve to keep her safe became. What she said about Simon living in her mind made me sick, the power he still wielded over her was astounding. Just a thought or memory could put her in a paralyzed panicked state. I worried what would happen if she was ever in his presence again. Would the self defense training even matter or was this all for nothing. Could she defend herself and the harder question was would she even want to. There was this nagging voice in the back of my head that believed she still loved him and was maybe even waiting for him. It was a question I always wanted to ask her, but never had the balls to saw out loud. Too scared about what the answer might be.

I asked Amy to move away, far away. Somewhere only we knew, change our names if we had to. I could sell the business and the building and we could start a new life together. She refused, saying that her life was here. Our lives, our family, our friends were here. She said that Simon would find her no matter where she went, no matter what her name was and she would live her life looking over her shoulder. She also feared that he would take it out on her family, if he couldn't find her.

There was this part of me that held out hope that Archer was actually rehabilitated. I know it's a fools dream, he is having her followed for Christ's sake. But late at night when I am left with my thoughts, I see a life where Simon goes one way and Amy and I go another. A life with out worry or fear. A life where Amy and I live in a house somewhere out on the island, near my sister, near Dino. Away from the city, where all these horrible memories lie, where our ghosts live and breathe. A place where our kids have grass to run on and the ocean to swim in. A place where we can all be safe and happy, together.

I feel like Archer is the last hurdle. The last battle to fight. The biggest battle of them all. In nine short months he would be free and we would all be in prison. Waiting, for what none of us know. But what we do know, what history and common sense tell us… Simon won't rest until he has Amy again or until she is dead. And I can't, won't allow either one.

I sat at the foot of my bed, watching the clock tick off the time minute after minute. Trying to get my ass up and ready. I couldn't go to the wedding, I just couldn't. I knew it was a dickey thing to do, skipping it. But I didn't want to have a good time if Amy wasn't with me and I can't imagine how I ever planned to lie to her about it. I threw the suit on the bed and stared at it for a moment. All of my thoughts on my father, looking down on him in a coffin. Looking at the life that was taken from him too soon. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and I tried to push then down.

No, wasn't going. I needed to see Amy, I needed to talk to her and laugh with her. I was going to crash girls night. If I stopped and picked up those donuts Laurel liked I am sure I could get away with it. Maybe even get Jeff in on the crashing action.

"Will...are you still here?" I heard Amy's voice, breaking me out of my thoughts. There was something in her voice, an inflection that she was upset. I thought she was supposed to be at Laurel's. Something must be wrong. I turned on my heel and high tailed into the living room.

"Yeah Baby I am... is everyth..." Wow, just wow. My heart stopped in my chest. Amy stood there her fingers knotted together nervous. I didn't know where to look first. Her hair was different and she was in this crazy sexy red dress and high black heels. I don't think I could have opened my eyes any wider if I tried. " You look stunning. You cut your hair..." She lifter her hand and ran her fingers through it.

"Yeah... it was time." Her voice was low and full of self doubt. She had no idea how beautiful she was, no clue the effect she had on me.

"I uh... you look wow baby. I don't even have words." I took a few step towards her, running my fingers down the side of her face and then thru her hair. " I like this dress, like a lot." I trailed my finger over the tops of her breasts, unable to tear my eyes away from them. She was usually covered head to toe, this was quite the change.

"Jeff picked it out."

"No shit... Remind me to thank him. So that's where you have been all day?"

"I went to the mall and everything." My eyebrows shot up in surprise, Amy told me once she had a panic attack in the mall a few years back after she was noticed by a group of people and that Jeff had to carry her out.

"You hate the mall... you hate shopping..."

"I needed a dress, so I could go to the wedding"

"You're coming with me huh?" I wrapped my hands around her body, resting them on the small of her back. The wedding was the last thing in my mind, all I could think about was how good this dress would look on the floor and how much I wanted her breasts in my mouth. I leaned my head down and gently kissed her throat, inhaling the scent from her hair. She moaned just this little sigh and I could feel myself harden.

"If you want me too... wait why aren't you dressed?" She pushed me away slightly as she spoke her face changed a bit when she felt me pressing into her. She still blushed, it was the cutest and most arousing thing I have ever seen. For all she had done, all that had been done to her there was still an innocence to her, an untouched quality.

"I didn't want to go without you. Give me five minutes."

She followed me into what would soon be our bedroom and sat at the foot of the bed, watching me get ready.

"I can't concentrate when you looking at me like that baby."

"I can't help it."

"You better if you want to leave his apartment tonight."

"Well put some clothes on then." I bit the bullet and put in the suit trying to forget the last time I wore it.

"Which one red or Blue?" I held up the ties and she scrunched her face, thinking.

"Well I guess it depends, do you want to be the annoying matchy matchy couple that wears the same colors or do you want to clash?" She shrugged her shoulders, but I knew which one she wanted me to wear.

"Red tie it is." She smiled broadly, as I put the tie under my collar.

"Where is the is wedding anyway?" She stood, and started tying my tie, perfectly. There was a moment where I imagined her doing this for Archer, but I pushed it from my head immediately.

"Uhhh… Good job on the tie baby, thank you."

"You're welcome, I used to do them from my grandfather. He got arthritis and couldn't do it himself." This wave of relief took over me.. Her grandfather not Archer. "Hello wedding?"

"Oh yeah… It's at The Plaza. We are so going to be late if we don't get a move on." The look oh her face changed as soon as the words came out of my mouth, and I knew something was wrong.

"The Plaza ..."

"Yeah... The bride's father has worked there for like thirty years... Amy..."

"No its fine... seriously.. I just didn't realize we would be going to the city...

"Are you sure..."

"Uh huh. Positive "


	67. Chapter 66 - DoubleU

I was the total and complete opposite of positive. I was negative, very very negative. I couldn't catch a break. It just was not possible. Just when I was feeling good and happy and ready, something has to come along and kill my joy.

"How do I look?" Will opened up his jacket and did a little turn, I knew he was trying to improve my quickly changed mood, and I have to say it was working. He looked great. The suit fit him like a glove and the red tie was an added touch. I had never seen him in a suit and tie before, it was a nice change. But I could tell he was uncomfortable.

"You look hot...but I must say I prefer you in your sweats... " Get it together Amy, don't let this one small detail ruin the night. Breathe and smile. Put the mask on.

"I prefer you in my sweats too." He lowered his voice and took my hand in his.

"Ha ha...cute…"

"What I do? You ready to hit the road?"

"As ready as I will ever be."

We drove in silence, my mind was a mess. Going over and over the same moments. Knowing in a few short minutes I would have to walk through the doors of The Plaza and hold my shit together. It was our place, or what would have become our place and now I was going there with Will.

It was July and Simon's mother Bea was being honored for this charity she started for inner city after school programs. There was a charity Gala being held in her honor, we were all in attendance; Miles and Bea, Helene and James(her long term boyfriend/editor who no one liked) and of course me and Simon. The six of us had been spending more and more time together, in an effort to bridge the gap between Simon and his family. We were spending the weekends together in their Hampton's house. Some weekends my parents would some, sometimes Laurel and Jeff would drive out. It was our weekend paradise. It was there I felt closest to Simon, he was his more true self. Kind and gentle, open. He was at peace there and in turn so was I.

"You look beautiful tonight Love. I love this dress." It was a simple black silk slip dress, low cut and opened back. It was dressy but light, it showed off my tan and hid the few fresh bruises that I had on my butt and legs. He ran his hand down my back. "I love your back..." His touch was something filled with mixed emotions for me. The root and cause of so much pleasure but greater amounts of pain. I was trying to push those thoughts from my head and focus on the good. He was getting better, I could see his efforts but it was all becoming too much.

"Do you now?" I wrapped my arm around his waist, and slid my hand into the pocket of his tux jacket.

"Why do you think I am so careful not to mark it. You couldn't show it off..."

"Ahh that's see, so you don't love my ass or legs then?"

"I love them in a different way. Come let's dance."

We danced the entire night, Simon wouldn't let anyone else come near me, not even his father. I found the nights where I was touched by another person. male or female, family, friend or stranger where the nights Simon was eager to cause me more pain.

"Do you like it here?" His arms were around my waist, mine were draped around his neck as he guided me around the floor to a haunting piece of music I had never heard before. It was heavy on the strings and cello, the resonating pitch of a harp and the deep bellow of a drum.

"The hotel?"

"Well yes, but the ball room?" His lips were right at my ear,

"Of course it is beautiful." The ballroom at The Plaza was a sight to behold. The high gilded coved ceilings, ovals filled with cherubic paintings with layer after layer or ornate moldings, tall arches punctuated by columns, that were lit from the floor giving them a grandeur and mood that was breathtaking. Lush bone colored silk curtains over the French doors The space some how managed to be ornate and airy at the same time.

"Good, I think this is the place then..."

"The place for what?"

"Where we will get married..." I felt all the air leave my body, we had never in the entirety of our relationship discussed marriage. It was not even a thought in my head. I mean, I had thought about it, in the far off future. In a place where Simon had dealt with his demons, putting them to rest. A place where I could love him but feel safe.

"Are you asking me to marry you?"

"Not yet... not tonight. But soon. And I think this is the place. We will have a huge wedding here and then we will go to Europe for a month. I will show you London first... and Paris... and anywhere else you have dreamed of going..."

"Simon...I love you...and I don't need a ball room or a huge wedding... But a month with you away from all the work and worry... That I would love..."

"I know... That's why the ball room you shall have."

* * *

"Ok, are you ready?" I stood outside, my neck extended taking in the grand building, remembering the blinding flashing lights from photographers the last time I was there.

"Ish..." I shrugged my shoulders and giggled trying to not only ease my tension but Will's as well.

"It's going to be fine... I will keep my arm around you during the intros, that will avoid any unnecessary hugs."

"Ok, that makes sense."

"Are you sure you want to do this... we could just get a room and I can get you out of that dress..." Lowered his face to mine giving me a slow linger kiss looking at me with those eyes and I knew he was serious. I felt my heart rate quicken and my core tighten.

"Don't tempt me... Anyway the rooms here are like fifteen hundred a night… at least…" I should have kept my mouth shut, Will's entire face changed. His eyes darkened and his jaw got tight.

"How do you know that?"

"THERE HE IS! Double U..." A tall brown haired guy in a dark grey suit and small thin, brown haired women greeted us first. Will expression changed again and I could see his mask just went on as well.

"Hey there Dave!" I watched the them embrace, in a man bear hug and Will was quickly back at my said, his arm around my waist.

"Dave, Katie this is my girlfriend Amy..." I waved and smiled, and they did the same.

"Nice to meet you both." Will acted like a body shield, keeping his friends at an arms length.

"I love your dress Amy, such a great color." Katie was sweet, and shy just like me. I could tell that we would become friends.

"Thank you, my cousin picked it out, I love your shoes. I cant walk in hells that high."

"They will be off by the time we hit the dance floor.

"It's nice to meet you too Amy, we all thought you were imaginary... Double U having a girlfriend... That's like a first…"

"Shut it Dave. " Will gave him a playful shove as we walked to our table.

"Whatever, Amy its nice to meet you... is all I am saying... Make an honest man of him. Come one everyone else is already inside."


	68. Chapter 67 - White

We were sitting around the table, Amy nestled under my arm resting her head on my shoulder. It felt relaxed, easy. So far the night was going well. Amy took to my friends and my friends took to Amy. I had known most of them over a decade. Dave and Katie, Emmet and Dana, Teddy and Kelly, Mikey B and Louie. That was the crew with the addition of the bride and groom Sean and Peggy.

"So Amy what do you do for a living?" I could feel Amy's body freeze, we had not really discussed the details of what we were going to say. Its not like you can come out and say well I have millions in the bank and don't work because I cant be touched. She opened her mouth to speak and nothing came out.

" Dana, Amy is an interpreter." I said it quickly, wanted to easy her panic and I could feel Amy relax against me again.

"Really... wow, what language do you speak?" Emmet asked, and I could tell he was really interested.

"I speak a few different languages...

"She speaks like twelve buddy."

"No shit… Like…"

"I don't speak twelve, I speak six and dabble in the others. My mother is a French teacher so French…Japanese, Italian, Spanish, Cantonese, and Mandarin. I am learning Russian now...and a few more..."

"Impressive..." Dana said it kind of smugly and I could see Emmet give her a nudge.

"Not really but thank you..." Amy nervously took a sip of her champagne and rested he hand on my knee. I brushed my lips against her forehead and took her glass, taking a sip for myself. I leaned in close and asked her if she was ok. She nodded and smiled but I could tell something was amiss. I didn't think about her not wanting to come into the city, I never should have brought her here.

"Come on Double... cigars... outside"

"No thanks Teddy, I am good here."

"Jesus man, come on…" I looked down at Amy and she kissed my cheek encouraging me to go. I didn't want to leave her. But I couldn't think of an excuse to stay.

"I'll be right back..."

"She is fine Will... we don't bite." Dana said from over her wine glass. I never liked Dana and tonight just proved I was right. I gave Amy's shoulder one final squeeze and followed the boys out one of the French doors.

* * *

"So I thought she had other plans tonight..." Teddy lit his cigar and passed me his lighter. The smoke filled the air around us and I immediately thought of my father.

"She did, but she changed them." I took a quick puff, savoring the moment. Remembering the first time I had ever smoked. I stole one from my dad and got sick, pea green sick.

"I seriously thought you were full of shit when you said you had a girlfriend. An excuse to get out of going to Vegas. I am happy for you... she is sweet... and too smart for your dumb ass..."

"That is very true."

"Where did you meet her?"

"Well Emmet she is one of my students..."

"Nice, she is younger too right?" He nudged me with his elbow, with a stupid look on his face.

"Yeah... she is twenty six...Where are all these questions coming from?"

"These are the questions people ask you when you have a girlfriend...You are just not used to it. Jesus... relax... We like her... She looks familiar... Did she grow up in the neighborhood?" Fuck, I knew at some point this was going to come out. There is no sentence I hate more then… She looks familiar…

"Yeah Dave she did..."

"I thought so. Does she have older siblings, maybe I know them?"

"Only child..."

"Hmmm... What's her last name?" This was another question I hated. What did it matter what her last name was. I could feel myself getting pissed, but it really wasn't his fault. And then the answer came to me.

"I hope to make it White..." I smiled as I said it. Amy White. Amelia White. I liked it. It sounded good echoing thru my head.

"It's like that is it?" Teddy, looked at me with head cocked to one side.

"Yeah it is...sooner then later so..."

"Great another big wedding, thanks man..."

"Nahhh I doubt it, Amy is not one for places like this. I am thinking her and me and a few close friends and family..."

"Vegas?" I shuddered at the idea.

"No not Vegas... an island maybe. Who knows... but soon."


	69. Chapter 68 - Born

"You're Amy Knightly aren't you?" Dana sat back in her chair, a smug look on her face. When I heard my full name coming from her mouth my entire body had a reaction, a wave of nausea hit me like a train. Dana was kind of perfect. She was the mean girl in high school for sure. She was very thin and tall, long graceful limbs. Her dress exposed her taught mark free body and her hair was the perfect shade of blonde.

"Uh... yes I am..."I exhaled as I said it. "Yes, I am."

"I thought so... You looked familiar. I followed the case on TV... and then the Lifetime movie." The movie, they had offered me millions for a book and movie deal but I turned them all down. I couldn't imagine the idea of that, telling the world in detail what happened. SO they based a story on actual events and changed a few details like names and dates.

"That wasn't about me..."

"Well yeah, they changed the names and stuff... but it was about you. I'm sorry, I am being rude."

"You've been rude to me all night Dana why stop now?" Her jaw dropped a bit, shocked by my candor but she quickly recovered and I knew the game was on. This was like high school only I didn't have Laurel in my corner.

"So you and Will huh..."

"Yeah..."

"Where did you guys meet?"

"We have a mutual friend, I was... am one of Will's students..."

"Self defense... makes sense... Will is a good guy... A real good guy."

"That he is. The best guy."

"We had good times he and I back in the day." Bombshell dropped, I tried to keep my face neutral and my tone light. Will never mentioned her before. I knew he had been a ladies man, a line of one night stands in his wake. I didn't know that one of these women was married to his friend.

"Funny, that's not how he tells it. I mean unless you're not the crazy Dana who is bad in bed." Knock out punch, Dana's jaw slacked her mouth wide open, cheeks burning red. Katie chuckled and I smiled broadly drinking the last bit of my champagne. I saw Will frame making his way towards me quickly.

"Baby, we have got to go…" He was out of breath and had this look on his face a mix of happiness and excitement. I could smell the faint lingering smell of cigars as I stood, taking two steps towards him.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Dino just called Grace's water broke." I felt like my heart was going to burst from my chest. Tonight was the night and I still had not finished the blanket…errr pillow.

"Amazing, lets go like now. "

"You can't you know… wait a bit. We haven't even had cake yet?" I could see Katie's disapointment about us leaving. I was leaving her a sheep amongst the wolves.

"Sorry Katie, we have to go… we're the god parents. But we will do brunch or something real soon. It was uh… nice meeting you Dana…" I walked out of there, with my head held high, and Will's hand linked in mine.

* * *

We sat in the hospital waiting room for hours, Grace was having along hard delivery. Every so often Dino would appear giving us an update thanking us for coming. Grace's father paced around, her mother was by her side in the delivery room. Dino's parents and brothers were all talking in Italian about the how excited they were and then arguing if it was going to be a boy or a girl. Every so often I would laugh along with them, an interloper on their conversation.

Will and I were settled on one of the small loveseat sofas, me heels were off and my feet tucked under me. My head on his shoulder and his arm around my body. He was sipping a cup of coffee, and his one leg was jumping up and down. I rest my hand on his knee stilling him.

"Just relax Will." He sat back a little on to the sofa and took a very deep breath.

"It really late baby why don't you get some sleep."

"I couldn't if I tried, there are to many people around. I am just trying not to freak out right now. I hate hospitals."

"Yeah I know, I hate having you here. You have had quite a day."

That I did, I hated to admit it but the moment I found out we were going to The Plaza my mind had been on Simon. I couldn't help it, all of the good times kept playing in my head over and over. Those weekends together in the Hampton's. The sun and the ocean, walking through the farmers markets, cooking him a meal. The parties that went well in to the morning hours, laughing and dancing together. His fathers boat, just Simon and I out on the ocean far away from people and pressure. All of the what if's dancing around in my head. And then the awful realization that I missed this version of Simon. The version that would read to me as the sun set, who would bring me orange juice and a bagel in the morning and we would eat it on the deck quietly enjoying each other. The Simon that would hold me all night, his touch delicate and tender. The Simon that I believed loved me. That was the Simon that was on my mind and I was powerless to stop it. Maybe because I was dressed up, Will was in his suit, dancing in the ball room, it all came rushing back to me.

"Yeah but it was worth it just seeing that look on your face."

"What look?"

"When you saw me in this dress."

"You know what I was thinking when I saw you in this dress…" I raised my eyebrows up in question, Will leaned in really close. The breath of his lips on mine, his voice low. "How good it would look in the floor…"

My lips parted just slightly, and I smiled a small giggle escaping my lips.

"It's a boy!" Dino's happy voice boomed through out the small room as it erupted with cheers and well wishes. Everyone was standing now, hugging and kissing one another. Will again was my human shield, keeping everyone away. Dino made his way to us and I stepped forward into his open arms as then enveloped me.

"I am so happy for your guys…" My voice cracked a bit, as I rested my cheek against the scratchy blue fabric of his scrubs.

"Thank you Aims…" I watched at he and Will embraced briefly, the bond between these two men was stronger then even I realized.

"Congrats Buddy. I never thought I would see the day… What did you name the kid?"

"Rocco… Rocco Antonio…"

"Good Irish name…" We all laughed, and Dino patted Will on the shoulder and then turned to me brushing his hand across my cheek, wiping away a tear I didn't even realize was there.

"The grandparents are going to come in first and then I know Grace wants to see you Amy…and then you can hold my bambino…"

"Because I got my shit together…"

Will looked at us both, confused. I explained to him later about that day I met Dino in the diner and he told me about the baby. I explained how Dino had given me six months to get my shit together, so I could be right here for this this moment, to hold my godson. I explained to Will how none of this would have been, could have been possible without him. That if not for him I would be sitting in my bed right now, waiting for Dino's call. Hating myself for not being there. I would not be standing in the waiting room, my hair an makeup done, in a dress and heels, after a night out in the city. I couldn't get words out quick enough. Words were not enough, they didn't carry enough weight or meaning, to express what I felt for Will. I am not sure if it was because I felt guilty for thinking about Simon, or because I was overexcited about the baby, or because I was exhausted from the events of the day. Maybe it was a combination of the three. But I started to cry, uncontrollably sob, my head pressed to Will's chest. My body shaking, It wasn't a panic attack, it was something different. It was like a catharsis, a purging of my guilt and fear, my worry and regrets.

"Baby, I know. Look at me." I could hear the panic in his voice, as he tightened his arms around me. "It's ok, it is all going to be ok.

I wanted to believe him, I needed to. I few short hours ago, I was dancing in his arms, in the same space I had danced with Simon. It was the first time that had happened, my past and present colliding. Realizing how far I had come, how much had changed in such a short time. On that dance floor with Simon I was a shell of a girl, a fearful mask wearing fool. So eager to please and help and save, all the while I was the one who needed saving. Now I stood there, in Wills arms and I was happy, content, free and most of all in love. I knew who I was and what I wanted. There would always be this lingering attachment to Simon, to the man not the beast. To the person I thought I loved, that couldn't be helped and I had to stop beating myself up for it. I had to let go of the idea that it was all or nothing. I could cherry pick the memories, only then did they release their hold on me.

"I am really glad you came here tonight. I didn't think you would." Norah Jones crooned in the background… _Like a light in a darkened room… I'm just sittin here waiting for you… To come on home and turn me on…_

I pressed my body to Wills, his legs parting mine as we danced in time to the music.

"I am glad I am here to…Its like full circle…"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, like…" I didn't want to spoil the moment, I didn't want to add any unnecessary weight, so instead of answering his question, I stood up on my toes and pressed my lips to his. "Like I cant wait for this damn thing to be over so I can get into your suit."


	70. Chapter 69 - Dressers

Hey everyone... I got some really interesting thoughts on my A/N last post about Christian/Will/Simon and by far the one i thought about the most was the comparison between Amy and Christian and Will and Ana... That kinda knocked me on my ass... Well done kykio88

I am behind again on my responses to PM's and reviews... I have been trying to respond to the longer reviews... Writing this and Fifty Ways has been a challenge... I need like a 40 hour day! But I will catch up again because I love talking to you guys...

Ok guys...this is a naughty chapter... enjoy... Its a small one... i am still debating the next chapter... it has been a hard one to write.. I may post tonight if i can get it just right so keep your eyes out later...

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Two hours later, we walked into the apartment. The night had taken us from Queens to the city, from the city to Long Island and from Long Island back to Queens. I kicked my shoes off, my feet killing me and hobbled into the bedroom with Will close behind. I watched at his took of his suit jacket, easing it over his shoulders and tossing it over the chair in the corner with disgust. Nest he removed his tie and unbuttoned his cuffs, I could tell his mind was in another place.

"I think I am going to get a new suit, this one just…"

"I agree, it's time for some new suit karma." I realized that was the suit he had worn to his father funeral, and Will's state of mind all night started to make perfect sense. I untied the silk bow of my necklace and laid it down on his dresser, and cracked my neck slightly. His hands were quickly on my shoulders rubbing the tension out gently. Our eyes were locked in the mirror, and then he bent his head down and kissed the back of my neck.

"Baby, I know its late and that you are tired…"

"I am not that tired…" I turned around, pressed between his body and the dresser. I reached up and slowly started to unbutton his white shirt pulling it out from his pants, running my hands along his bare chest. Just taking a moment to enjoy the touch of his skin, the warmth that radiated off of him. I eased the shirt off his shoulders and pushed it over his hands to the floor. Tracing my fingers around his tattoos. I pressed my lips to his chest right over his heart and I could feel his body shudder, and then a sharp intake of air as he said my name. His hands were in my hair, pulling my mouth to his as I lowered my hands, tugging on his belt. I unzipped his pants, pulling my mouth away from his and lowering down to my knees.

"Amy… you don't…"

"Shhhh, Will…" I pulled his pants and boxers down and his erection spring out before me. I grabbed it with on hand and before he could object again I took him in my mouth. His deep moans pushing me on, as he leaned forward, bracing himself on the dresser. I ran my tongue along the sensitive head of his dick and then took as much of his as I could, over and over again. I could feel him pulsing and getting harder with each pass of my mouth. His breaths shallow, his voice deep and husky. My own sex tight, crying out to be touched. I felt his hands on my shoulders stilling me, I looked up at him.

"Baby, I don't want to come yet." He pulled me up off the floor, crashing his mouth into mine and then kissing the tops of my breasts.

"I have not been able to stop looking at these tonight." He ran his tongue, between the hollow of my breasts and then slowly unzipped my dress, pulling it over my shoulders and down my arms so it lingered at my waist. My breasts exposed, the sheer red lace of my bra hiding nothing.

"You have had this on all night… and I am just seeing it now…Jesus Christ Amy…Not fair…" His mouth was sucking on my nipple through the thin fabric, sending a wave of pleasure through out my entire body. He then pulled the fabric down, my breast popping out and took it into his mouth once more as his hand massaged me. I could feel a heaviness in my core, a growing need, as I shifted to ease my disconfort. Sensing my need, Will pulled my dress down to the floor, and trailed his fingers down the length of my body, gently rubbing me through the fabric on my panties.

"Baby you are so fucking wet." He pushed the fabric aside and his fingers were inside of me. I dipped my head back and moaned loudly. This is what I had wanted all night. His mouth returned to my breast as his pumped his fingers inside of me over and over. I was so close, so near to the edge. I wanted to jump off of it and take him with me. But his stopped just shy of the point of no return.

"Not yet baby… Not yet…" He stepped out of his pants and boxers, and walked over to the chair pushing his suit to the floor and sat down, his dick standing at full attention. It became clear to me what Will was thinking. I started to pull my panties off but he stopped me.

"Leave them on, and the bra too. Just come over here." He was holding his dick on his hand, slowly pumping over it, a look in his eye as he watched me walk to him. He ripped open a foil packet he pulled out of the nightstand and rolled the condom over his girth. I felt uncomfortable, as I straddled him, resting my knees on either side of his body. With his free hand, he pushed the fabric to the side and in one motion slid into me very slowly as I lowered my body done over him. I cried out, my sensitive flesh overwhelmed with the fullness of him. He stilled inside of me, his arms holding me, his mouth on mine. Very slowly I started to move my body over him, each movement measured.

"I have wanted this all night…baby…all…night…"

"Me too." His hands were on my ass, helping me keep a steady rhythm as I started to move faster. My core was full but my clit was throbbing, desperate for attention, needing his expert touch. "Will, touch me… please…" He smiled, just a small smile.

"Touch you where baby…Tell me…"

"My clit… now…please…" He remove his hand from my ass, and started to rub my gently sending a sensation through me. "Will… just… harder…" He applied more pressure and I could feel it all happen. I clenched my body, every muscle as I came. Will held me tight, his one arm now around my waist as his orgasm tore through his body, his forehead pressed against my chest. I stopped moving, my walls still pulsing around him. Breathless and spent, I slacked my body against his.

"I don't have the energy to even get off this chair right now." he whispered into me hair, and then gently kissed my neck.

"I did all the work there buddy…" I laughed, the movement reminded us both that he was still inside and a ping of pleasure shot through me as I felt him harden.

"That you did. Now I think it is my turn."


	71. Chapter 70 - White

This chapter was not easy to write and i almost didnt post it, but i didnt want to chicken out... I might go back and rework it... but for now here it is... as I intended it to be... I really would like to hear your thoughts about this one so please review... I need a bit of follower direction on this one...

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Amy fell asleep a little while later, ok a long while later. I had her wrapped up in my arms, her still naked body pressed up against mine. There is no fear now hen I touch her, no hesitation no worry. It is a long way we have come, my girl and me but I see a longer road ahead. I should have been at peace, I should have be able to sleep soundly. But my mind would not rest, no matter how much I want it too, no matter how much I need it to. One word has the power to destroy everything, everything we have worked for, fought for. I was trying to make excuses, justify it in my head. It had been a long day, maybe that was it, maybe too much had happened. But there was this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I couldn't ignore. I tucked my face into the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply. Wishing I could forget, wishing she could forget. Wishing…

Watching her tonight holding Rocco, I could feel something change not only in myself but in her. There was this sadness in her eyes that was masked by the smile of her face. And I knew what she was thinking. It is what she is always thinking. How much longer do I have? It is like a looming death sentence, this over bearing weight that she can't get out from under. I am there with her, trying with every ounce of strength I have trying to lift the weight off, Jeff is there, and Dino and Billy. We are all there trying to lift this weight, but we are failing and it is crushing her.

For a brief second before the weight presses down, she is holding him and they are in this bubble, a quiet still bubble. I can see the awe in her face, as she gently unwraps him and then he lets out this little cry and she laughs. Dino and I smile and look over at Grace who has fallen asleep, exhausted. Amy looks at me, and while I can see her sadness I can also see her hope. And I know these are the moments I will fight for, these little fragments. I will fight for them until they are whole.

The should be up soon haven't slept at all, my body is stiff and my mood is dark. My five o'clock alarm goes off on my cell phone and Amy starts to move. I can tell she is up when she pulls my arm around her tightly and turns her body to face mine.

"Morning…" She grumbles in the morning, she hates to wake up. I am a morning person, up at five to work out before I face the day. She is a night person, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night; the bed is empty and I find her sitting in the living room, writing. Her hair piled up on her head, glasses on face free of makeup. It is by far and away my favorite Amy variety. I cant resist her when she looks this and lucky I don't have to.

"Morning baby. How did you sleep?"

"Better then you…" Her hand was making small circles over the lines of my tattoos, something I knew she loved to do. "You didn't sleep at all."

"And how do you know that?"

"Your snoring didn't wake me up." I chuckled and then kissed the top of her forehead.

"I have a lot on my mind is all." She furrowed her brow, but didn't speak. I pulled her as close to me as I could, and linked her leg around mine, her cold toes on my heel. She knows something is off, and she wont ignore it. It is not our way. Our combined years of therapy are the functional glue that holds us together. We say it and we deal with it. It has been the foundation of or relationship, what we are built on.

"If you ask me, I will tell you. But you have to ask, just be sure you want to know." She rubbed at her eye and stretched slightly, waiting for me to decide. I weighed her words carefully, do I really want to know. I have been hiding from this moment for a while now, but I cant escape it any longer. We are in it and now we have to deal with it.

"Were you thinking about him last night?" There is this look she gets when he is in the front of her mind, this pained expression and I kept seeing it over and over. Each time was worse then the last. I hate that he lives in her head the way he does. I hate the part of her that he owns. She looks at me, her mouth a gape, and I know what is coming.

"Yes I was."

"Why?"

"Well, getting dressed up was part of it I think, we were always going somewhere. And uh… The Plaza…" I knew it, that is when I felt the change in her last night, when I told her we were going to The Plaza.

"So you've been there before?"

"Yeah…"

"Tell me…" She paused and started to speak stopping herself each time. "Amy, tell me.

"We were going to get married there." She just blurted it out and I wish I hadn't asked. Married they were planning on getting married, I felt like I had just been sucker punched in the gut.

"Oh, wow… I didn't know you were engaged to him Amy."

"I wasn't, but we were there one night and he said that it was the place where it would happen… So it was strange being there again. It was hard I guess…" I stopped listening at that point, my own words in my head louder then hers. It was like a drum beating down on me. I had to ask her finally, I had to know one way or the other.

"Amy… I need to know… Do you still love him…I know you said that you never really did but…I don't believe that… trust me I want to but I don't." It was the question I had wanted to ask for a while and I finally put it out there. But once I said the words out lous wasn't sure if I wanted to hear her answer. She laid there silent for a moment, and I could feel her struggle. I knew what was coming and I prepared myself for it.

"I don't know Will…. I mean if I can separate the man from the beast… I don't know. I still am not sure if I loved him or if it was obsession… Flynn suggested Stockholm… It's all so confusing… Because there were times with him that were great… times that I missed. You know… but there are times even before those four days… that were bad… I mean really bad… I wish I was able to explain this better." She put her hand to my cheek, trying to get a read on my and pull my eyes back to hers.

"No I get it… trust me I do…"

"Will don't be mad… I am trying to be honest."

"I know, I know you are." I pulled away from her, I couldn't help it. This close proximity, was too much.

"Will… damn it… Why does this even matter… I love you… I am here with you, for you…"

"It matters, and you know it does." I slid off the bed, and pulled on a pair of sweatpants, slamming the bathroom door behind me. I wanted to tear the room apart. I could feel this anger, I clenched my fists and took a deep breath. My mind was going a million miles per hour and then it came to me, with out thought I stormed back in to the bedroom. She was sitting up with her back against the headboard, this sadness in her eyes I have not seen before. She looked up at me, her lips pressed together in this hard line.

"Are you waiting for him?" My voice was harsh, very harsh. She jumped and then this shock took over her face as her jaw slacked. I had rendered her speechless.

"Will…that is…"

"You said his name… in your sleep last night… over and over…" her eyes filled with tears, as the sun began to rise. A filtered pink light peaking in around her.

"I dream about him all the time Will… and they are never good dreams…"

"I thought that too, but it wasn't a no Simon it was an ohh Simon." She gasped, her mouth quivering and I was full of this anger that I couldn't even see her… really see her. I was just so angry.

"Wow… really Will… really?"

"Were you thinking about him when I was inside of you?" I could barely get the words out, thinking them was hard enough. But saying them was torture. It was my greatest fear, that somehow she would be with me and want him. That I was just a stand in.

She wrapped the sheet around her body and got up off the bed, she stood right in front of me, tears falling from her cheeks. She stood there, just looking at me, like I was a stranger. Like she had never seen me before in her life.

"I am going go, before I say something I am going to regret."

"Like what, that I am right?"

"No like you are a fucking asshole. How could you say that to me, how could you even think that… I don't even know who are right now. I don't… You have no idea what it took for me to let you inside, to trust you and to love you and to want you. The thought of Simon touching me… I cant even tell you what that does to me. Like that time when you came home and I was reading… and you kissed my breasts… remember… I had this flash back… and it was horrible for me. Not because I saw you and thought of him… Because I saw myself in that moment. Like I was a fly on the wall… watching him rape me… So no.. there is no possible way that I could be with you and think of him. How dare you…"

"You have no idea what this is like for me Amy… I am scared all time…And I am not the guy who gets scared…"

"I am scared too… but I thought that we had each other… I thought that… never mind… I am just going to go… this is killing me right now… I can't go from what we had last night to this…" I watched her grab her stuff and storm into the bathroom. I wanted to stop her, to hold her but I couldn't. I could hear her crying, sobbing on the other side of the door. I pressed my hands to it, trying to muster up the courage to turn the knob.

She sat in the edge of the tub, still wrapped up in the sheet, her arms folded around her chest. Her face was red, her hair a mess. I just needed to say it and deal with it…

"Last night…" She looked up at the sound of my voice and wiped both of her cheeks. "At the hospital, you were crying and thanking me, telling me all that was possible because of me… you never said you loved me… you said you felt obligated and grateful and thankful… but you never mentioned love. I was waiting for you to say it but you didn't. And I got all in my head, you know… worrying that maybe you were here out of gratitude or obligation. Then I thought I was being stupid because when we got back here last night it was amazing… the best night of my life really and then…"

"And then I said his name…" Her voice was horse, and defeated but also understanding. She got where I was coming from.

"And then you said his name… and that was it…"

"Will you say Maria's name all the time…"

"It's not the same thing and you know it… Maybe if she was still alive and you could lose me to her… but…"

"You are never going to lose me to Simon. Ever. No matter what happens, I am yours and you are most certainly mine. Will I love you so much… you really have no idea because words can not express…sex can not express… I don't want to live a day without you… Not a day… how do you not know this, how can you have doubts? Can't you feel it?"

"Amy…I don't have doubts I worry that you do. That you still want him."

"I have this dream about him… all the time… it starts off wonderful… we are at the beach… he is standing behind me, holding me and we are watching the sunset. And I can feel the soft wind on my face, I can even feel the sunburn from a day spent in the sun. And then, the sun goes down, and everything is dark, and he is still behind me only now, his hands are around my throat and I can't breathe and I cant move. And I am gasping his name…begging him to let me go… sometimes I wake up and sometimes I can feel myself taking my last breath. And in that moment even in my dream your face is what I see. Your voice in my head waking me, pulling me out…" I can feel the truth in her words, I can feel her fear and her pain. I am regretting all of this, every thing I have said every question I have asked. I want to take it all back. But I can't, what is said is said. I kneel down in front of her, my hands on her knees, she puts her hands on my cheeks, gently rubbing the stubble.

"I cant lose you Amy… I just… the thought of you scared or in pain…"

"You won't lose me Will, and this… pushing me away… it won't work… ok… it won't work… You are not an obligation… you are the love of my life… you are the man who I am going to marry one day… we are going to have beautiful kids, and grow very very old and mean… together…"

"I am going to hold you to that…" I wrapped my arms around her, standing up taking her with me. Without thought my mouth was on hers, I could taste the salt from her tears on her lips. I wanted to savor every moment of this kiss, I wanted to feel it all. At some point the sheet falls away and we were stumbling back into the bedroom. I needed to be inside of her. We fall back on the bed and with one motion I was where I was suppose to be, where I belonged. Inside of Amy with nothing between us, our eyes locked, barely any movement between us, as she tightened around me and the released over and over again. I slowly started to move inside of her, knowing I would have to pull out before I came. She ran her hand over my head and thought my hair one and then again. Her breath started to quicken, and she exhaled deeply.

"Will…" I could feel every muscle tighten and pulse around me, as she tipped her head back her mouth open, no energy to give over to sound. All her energy concentrated at her core. I fought the urge to come with everything I had, wanting her to finish before I pulled out, but she wrapped her legs around me, holding me tight. Pulling my mouth to hers, sucking in my bottom lip.

"Amy… I have to pull out…" She reached down and began to rub her clit, knowing she couldn't do this for so long gives me such a sense of pride and satisfaction. I am in awe watching her as she started coming again, this time loudly as I pushed into her with greater speed. I could feel myself start to go off, as he legs dropped away and I pulled out of her pumping my cock over he belly. I came fast and hard, all over her. I couldn't contain it, I couldn't hold it back. Her sweet laugh fills the room, a contented laugh.

"What am I supposed to do with this all over me?" I jump off the bed and grab a towel out of the bathroom. She takes it from me and wiping herself off, shaking her head.

"You made me do it…All getting your groove on. I came like that because of you."

I jumped back into bed and collapsed against her body.

"Baby I'm sorry." I pressed my head against her breasts, her legs and arms wrapped around me, holding me close.

"Me too… next time you don't hold it in Will. You have something to ask me, something is bugging you. Just say it and we will figure it out. You can't hold things in, you especially."

There was a very loud unrelenting banging coming from the door. We were huddled together still in bed, the sun shining. I pulled my head up and managed to focus on the alarm clock. It was just a little after eleven. Amy's cell phone started to right and she jumped, reaching over to grab it.

"Uh, hello...Shit... Sorry... Ok... OK... Yes laurel... He will be right down!" Amy practically pushed me off of her and she scrambled off the bed.

"Laurel and Jeff are here for brunch... I totally messed up... Get dressed and let them in..." I cant help but laugh at her, running around the room naked trying to clean up.

"Will.. I am serious I need to get in the shower..."

"Ok, ok. I am going... I need a shower too you know..."

"Well you can have one when I am done...I cant cook brunch with sex all over me!" She is frantic, but in an hysterical way as she laughs out her sentence. I stand up and grab her, giving her a nice kiss and a smack on her ass as she makes her way to the bathroom. She turns with a gasp, her mouth open, blushing. I throw on sweats and a tee-shirt and let Jeff and Laurel in.

"It's about time...We have been out here like ten minutes..."

"Sorry, we had a late night...Grace had the baby..."

"That is great! What did she have?"

"A boy... Rocco..." She wrinkled her nose at the name and then smiled.

"That is such a Dino name..."

"That it is... Come on up and I will put the coffee on." Five minutes later the house smelled like a coffee house and Amy emerges from the bedroom. Her hair wet and in a ponytail, in sweats and a tee shirt.

"Hey guys... Sorry... seriously sorry..."

"You should be considering you gave us a rash of shit about sleeping so late yesterday." Jeff crossed his arms and frowned at her.

"I know, I know... Again I am sorry... I will make it up to you with eggs and pancakes..."

"Chocolate chip pancakes..."

"Fine... you are still like ten years old... Do you want a whipped cream smiley face too?"

"Now that you mention it..."

"That sounds good to me too baby..." She laughed and poured herself a cup of coffee, taking a sip and then she looked up at me and smiled. Just this small smile and I knew everything was going to be ok.

'Ok everyone out of the kitchen and let me get to work... Will get in the shower..."

"Guys was she always this bossy?"

"YES!" Jeff and Laurel shouted in unison. Amy frowned and shook her head, as she ties her apron around her waist.

"Bossy Mc Bossypants."

"Seriously... Rue..."


	72. Chapter 71 - Condos

Hey Guys... So i took a few days off from this story... I have been blocked... In 30 days I have writted 100,000 words... my mind is fried... But I have a new chapter for you tonight and i renewed direction so... we shall see...

I have been all about the music to get these next chapters out

florence and the machine-Shake it out

The Xx - Shelter

Snow Patrol - you could be Happy and Run

There have been some kick ass reviews the past few days... Thank you all so much... I will respond I promise... My favortie part about this is talking to all of you... from all over the world... all different POV's... its been amazing...So thank you...

XOXO PPP

* * *

"Seriously… Rue the day you two got together and now you pulled my dear sweet Will into your lets get Amy coven of treachery…" I pointed at Will, mock fury on my face.

"You, shower now."

Next I pointed my finger of fury at Jeff "You get out of my kitchen and go watch some TV and you get me the eggs out of the fridge… On the count of three…ONE… TWO…" I laughed as I watched them scatter like scared little lambs, I didn't even need to get to three.

I was exhausted, emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I had no business standing here flipping pancakes, and whisking eggs. I wanted to be in bed... I needed to be in bed. I was still reeling from last night, everything happening at once. The past being uprooted and thrown around. For the first time, I had doubts about Will, about Will and I and our ability to endure. I never realized the insecurity that Will was holding on too, the worry and fear. Maybe this was all too much, maybe it was too hard. What would happen to him if I was not here. Maybe he needed me more then he ought to, maybe I was wrong and we were dependent on one another. I needed Dalton, damn it. Just when I start to feel right and good and level something comes along to knock me back on my ass.

I had lied to Will, not so much that I lied but I omitted. He asked me a question and I failed to give him the whole answer, the real answer. I looked him in the eye and for the first time, there was something I couldn't tell him. What purpose would it serve telling him how amazing that night with Simon was at The Plaza. How after we danced and laughed and talked of marriage, we got us a room upstairs and we talked about or future, our life we would build together. How me made love, really made love and it all clicked. It was of course an illusion, a thin veil covering the impending doom. But isolated from everything else, it was one of the best nights of my life. A night I had spent hours talking about to Laurel and Dalton, trying to figure out how we went from that place to my apartment a few short weeks later.

"So... how was it last night?" Laurel poured the vodka and orange juice, into the glasses she filled with ice. Spilling some on the counter.

"It was fun, his friends were nice." I was pretending to be really invested in the grating of cheddar cheese, so invested that I couldn't give her a gushing detailed answer.

"And..."

"He liked the dress..." I was answering mindlessly, not even making eye contact. "This is not my usual cheese, but it was on sale. I hope its good in the omelets."

"Amy... hello... What's going on in that head of yours? Who cares about the stupid cheese, I want to hear about the freaking wedding."

"It was at the Plaza..." Laurels face dropped and Jeff turned his attention away from the TV and back to me.

"No shit..." He got off the sofa and made his way back into the kitchen sitting at one of the stools. "Did you tell him?"

"Not all of it... some... we had this huge fight... huge..."

"About?" I turned the fire off on the stove, knowing this conversation was going to result in burned pancakes if I didn't. I leaned against the counter, and picked up my screwdriver, taking a long sip.

"A lot of things, but mainly because I said Simons name in my sleep." I watched them both cringe, and I felt shame build inside of me.

"That is still happening?" Laurel leaned next to me, grabbed my glass from my hand and took a sip, handing it back to me.

"I still have the dreams... Almost every night…I don't know... it got out of hand... he said things I said things... He is afraid I that I am waiting for Simon..." They both looked at each other, a tense moment passing between them before they looked back it me. Pity is all I could see.

"What? What is that look?"

"Honestly Aims, for years Laurel and I thought the same thing."

"Since you met Will you have been different but before then..."

"Wow... I mean really?"

"Come on Amy, you know deep down on some level you were. Hoping that he would come back all sane..." She was right. There was this part of me, this part I kept buried under fifty pounds and baggy shirts. This part of me, that wouldn't allow me to be touched, a part that I wanted hidden. It was the part of me that was waiting and hoping that Simon would come back to me, whole and sane. That we could pretend like nothing ever happened.

"But he is not... Even if I once hoped he would…he is having me followed for gods sake..."

"Yeah and you just found that out... The five years before that..."

"I was waiting for him..." I had said this out loud to Dalton in the safety of his office, in a place that existed with out judgment. But I could see laurel and Jeff silently judging me.

"You were waiting for him..." Laurel finally filled the silence.

"You know how fucked up that makes me... I mean really fucked up..."

"You were broken... really broken... He got in your head Amy, changing you… so yeah it was not rational but its how you felt at the time. Now you feel differently."

"I do... I really do... the thought of even being in the same room with him I cant even deal with it...not even a little. Honestly I never wanted to be with him again, even at my worst… I just… I cant explain it… Dalton and I have spend years talking about this…But since Will I couldn't even imagine…I never want to see Simon again."

"And that is why Will is worried... Because if we all fail... and he gets to you... one of two things could happen..."

"I will freeze and he will kill me or fall in love with him all over again."

There was silence, complete silence... I just stood there, thinking about the weight of those words. The fallout from all of that, the ripple effect that would come... more like a tsunami wave.

"Well, neither one of those things will happen... We won't let it Right Jeff..." Laurel linked her arm in mine as she spoke. Fuck my life, you know just fuck my life. Why is everything so hard. Why cant I just be safe and happy. Why did I waste so much time. Why didn't I go to Will sooner, all this time would could have had together. All this time that I wasted.

"Right..."

"Look enough of this…wasting time talking about Simon… You are here I am here, we have vodka… let's just drink and eat and enjoy the day…"

* * *

"So Will, Amy tells me that you asked her to move in here." Will loved at her over his coffee cup and I could see the smile in his eyes. WE all sat around his reclaimed wood dining table, eating the chocolate chip pancakes complete with whipped cream smiley faces and the omelets that ended up being a frittata. Omelets are hard on my best day.

"That I did…" he reached out and put his hand over mine, I still got that feeling in my belly when he did. This calming but exciting force. "By the way Jeff, gonna need your help moving her in this weekend."

"I knew that was coming… Sure… I might need some moving help too…"

"Well that is like good timing… cause…Jeff and are moving in together too… and we were wondering if we could move into Amy's apartment."

"Were you now?" I had a feeling this was coming, but I already had a better idea.

"Well yeah, I mean its just gonna be sitting there all brand new and unused. And Jeff did live there before you did…And Jeff's place is too small for the both of us and my place is getting sold." I could see she was nervous, she kept looking over at Jeff for backup.

"Sorry, but no… you guys cant move in there…" Both of their eyes shot up totally in shock, even Will's expression changed.

"Oh, I mean… Ok…if that's how you feel." She poked at her pancakes with her fork.

"It is… how I feel. I mean I am sorry…"

"Amy are you fucking serious right now?" Jeff was really stunned, I wanted to laugh but I held back. This was too much fun.

"Yeah Jeff I am, I mean… why would you guys want to live in my place… when you could live in your own place…"

"We just told you my place is too small and Laurel's place is going Condo…"

"So buy Laurel's Place then…."

"We can't afford it and it does not matter… some one already put a bid in…"

"Yeah I know…" I caught Wills smile out of the corner of my eye, he had put it together. Brawn and Brains…

"Wait… how do you…" Laurel paused and let out a squeal. "Amy did you buy my apartment?!"

"Maybe…"

"When? How?!"

"Well, yesterday you were saying how you hated to have to leave and how you wished you could afford it… I made a call… offered them cash… we close next week."

"Amy this is too much…Laurel and I cant accept this…"

"Its not a gift… You will both pay me back the same why Laurel did with the salon… Monthly and interest free…" Laurel jumped out of her chair and gave me a bone shattering hug. There were many reasons who I bought them the place. I wanted them to be happy and be secure no matter what happened. I also knew that my time was ticking down and that I had this money I ought to use it on the people I loved the most. I was going to pay off my parents mortgage, and Will's too. I would set up a fund for Kira and Rocco, and try and convince Dino to let me pay off Grace's house too. If not there are other ways to give them money.

"Aims, I don't even know what to say. I mean this is above and beyond."

"Jeff, I have the money… sitting there… doing nothing… I have everything I need… and now you guys do too…"

"You are without a doubt the most amazing person…"

"Shut up Laurel… I also put some money in "escrow" for you to re do your kitchen and bathroom. I know they are thorns in your side."

"Are you fucking serious…"

"Very very serious…" I looked over at Will, he had a distant smile on his face. He had this ability to read my mind, he knew this was a what if present. He knew what I was thinking, what I was worried about. What I was always worried about.

* * *

"Ok, Amy lets start from the beginning ok..." Dalton had a cold, and I could tell he was not in the best mood. "You and Will had a fight that devolved into sex and this worries you."

"Uh yeah... I mean isn't this what you were talking about, preemptive guidelines."

"Yes, actually this is exactly what I was talking about but the fact that you are aware of what is happening is promising." A small smile appeared on his face and it was pissing me off.

"Well great. I am glad that this is funny to you."

"Amy, this is a good thing. You are being self aware. We can work with that. Tell me what was the fight about..."

"I was dreaming about Simon, and Will heard me... say his name."

"The dreams haven stopped? You haven't talked about them in a long time."

"No... I mean I have them all the time only now I wake up and Will is there so..."

"So you feel safe... Is he still killing you in your dreams."

"Sometimes... Sometimes I wake up before he does..."

"So will was upset you were dreaming about Simon and then what?"

"He asked if I was still in love with him, and if I was waiting for him. If I thought about him when we were making love."

"Were you?"

"No, that is not even possible…I couldn't… no…And Will was just so hurt, and worried and insecure. All this stuff is going on in his head and I didn't know. He is so fragile… I am just starting to realize how much…"

"Well that is something we have talked about Amy, Will is very attuned to you, so I am not surprised that he picked up on you emotions. And you are right he is fragile." Will had gone to Dalton for two sessions now, and I could only imagine what he shared with him. "And there was a time when you admitted to waiting for Simon."

"I used to feel that way but I don't anymore, I haven't for a very long time. I am ashamed that I ever did."

"It is understandable that you felt that way. Kidnapping victims often experience these residual feelings of loss and even desire for the kidnappers. But understanding the danger of these feeling..."

"I understand the danger... more then anyone... That is not really the point. The point is I am worried that I am falling into old patterns with Will."

"You keep saying that, each and every session and then you take your relationship with Will to the next level. Amy, you have to stop this. You and will have a strong healthy relationship, despite all of your issues and his issues. You need to stop looking for problems where they don't exist."

"I am scared…"

"I know…"

"Not of Will… or Will and I… but of leaving Will. Scared of what will happen to him if something happens to me."


	73. Chapter 72- Darkness

It's so quiet here, in the dead of the long night. There is nothing, I am surrounded by nothing and everything. Walls, and locks, people screaming and crying all day, drugged into restless submission at night. All their demons and beasts locked away, but still there lingering, waiting. Waiting to be released into the world and free once again.

I talk all the time, about my beast, about how its gone now, I talk about what I did to Amy, I talk about those two weeks when I was fifteen and everything went dark. Six years, wasted here talking. Six long years alone. Even though the end is coming near, I want to burst waiting for it. All of my plans are coming together, everything lining up perfectly. Despite outside interference, I have not been derailed. Now the count down is in months not years. Six months and I will be free and Amy will be with me and things will be how they were supposed to be.

I keep thinking about her, I can't stop. I wonder what she is doing, who she is with. I wonder I she lets that defrocked cop touch her and hold her. I wonder if she misses me, thinks about me, wants me. I wonder if she is waiting for me. They have made it harder to collect information, months have passed with out a single word of her. Frankie has been kept away. But it is not impossible. Nothing is impossible when it comes to my Love.

The summer always reminds me of her, the heat the humidity. The way her hair gets frizzy and the beads of sweat on her upper lip, the ocean air around her, my arms around her. I keep thinking of ways to make her forgive me, ways for her to understand. I think back to those four days, and the two weeks that preceded them, then the days and months that came before. I see my errors, I see my flaws, I see why she must hate me... But I see all the reasons she must still love me too. All the reasons I still love her.

That night, that amazing night we spent together at The Plaza has been the one true thing I know. The one memory not tainted or destroyed. I know she thinks about it too. Especially this time of year.

I never understood why things had to be how they are, why my father abandon me, why he loved Helene best. Why mother always felt the need to make a spectacle of her self. I never understood, why I was never good enough. Never worthy... I tried over and over and over again... it was not my fault that I was tainted and destroyed. Maybe if i would have been born into a different life, a different body I could have been happy. I would have found my Amy regardless, my soul drawn to hers and we would have been happy.

And now we will be, I will become a different man, a different name a different time and place and everything will be fine. For once everything will be fine. And if it's not ok… then…


	74. Chapter 73 - Embers

I knew something was coming, I could feel it with the change of the season. The heat was rising, the humidity brewing and I felt the storm rolling in. It was July fourth weekend and Will and I were heading out to his sisters for a few days of sun and beer and burgers. Dino and Grace would be there with Rocco, who had just turned two months and Kira was over the moon that we were going to be there for three whole days.

"Baby, where are my swim trunks?" Will yelled out from or bedroom, then peaking his head out of the door.

"I packed them already. Are you hungry do you want breakfast before we head out?"

"Breakfast no… You in bed… yes…" I blushed, he still had that ability to make me swoon and fluster. He walked towards me with intent, every step making my heart skip a small beat.

"Will." He pushed me against the bar counter, I could feel him pressing into my belly and I knew he was going to have me, before we left.

"Three days… at my sisters… You know you wont have sex with me there."

"The place is so small… and you are not quiet."

"No, I am not." I started to unbutton my white linen peasant blouse, Will reached out to touch me, taking my breast in his hand. I leaned my body into his touch. I wanted him to fuck me hard and fast, I wanted him to turn me around, bend me over the bar and make me scream out his name. But I knew he wouldn't, and that I couldn't ask. There was this divide, sex with Will was always amazing but it was slow, contained, controlled. He never said it out loud, but he refused to fuck me. And I couldn't bring myself to tell him what I wanted, him thinking that I had done these things with Simon.

He pulled me into the bedroom, and sat on the edge bed with me standing before him. He ran his hands down my back, grabbing my butt, pulling me to him. Gently kissing my belly as he unbuttoned my jeans, sliding them down.

"Will, we have to be there by noon, I promised your sister I would show her how to make the brownie things…"

"Mmm Hmmm. I know. But right now I don't even care." In one fast motion, he swung me around and I was on the bed. He stood above me, taking of my canvas sneakers and my jeans tossing them on the floor. I was breathless as I watched him, lift his shirt up over his head and kick of his shorts. I loved when Will was inside of me, it was one of the rare times I felt complete. I was unable to hold a thought in my head, there was no past or future. Just the now, Will and I in the moment together.

"Do you know how much I love you Will?" I wrapped my legs around him, as he slowly slid into me, a moan escaping from my mouth. I tightened my muscles around him as hard as I could, he growled in satisfaction. "Do you?"

He stilled inside of me, holding his weight on his outstretched arms above me, I ran my hands along his upper arms, lifting my head slightly and kissed his forearm.

"Amy, I know…"

"Sometimes I don't think you do… I don't think you even understand how much I love you." He slid out of me slowly, and then pushed in again, hitting the end of me. My entire being shuddered, as I cried out.

"I know baby…" He slowly but relentlessly keep thrusting into me over and over, each time hitting me in just the right place. "I know because I am inside of you right now, because I get to hold you and touch you. I get to wake up to you every morning. I know how much you love me. I didn't for a while but I do now. And I love you twice as much…" His breath was short, and I could feel him pulsing inside of me. I was so close.

"Come baby…" I screamed out, as he hit me one last time before he came, everything in me bursting out, my nails digging into his biceps, my calves clenched around his tight ass. He collapsed against me, his mouth finding mine. Kissing me with lazy, soft easy kisses and I tried to catch my breath.

"Will, come on get up we need to get going." I tried to push him off but he just held on to me tighter. "Will, I am serious."

"Nope, we are doing that again… give me five minutes… to re-coup." I laughed, a full belly laugh as he took my breast in his mouth for inspiration.

"Will, come on… It's after ten already."

"Baby, I don't care if we ever get there. We are doing THAT again." He snaked down my body until his tongue was inside of me, gently flicking over my ultra sensitive nub. He slid his fingers into me, and I grabbed a fist full of our comforter, overwhelmed. "Amy grab another condom out of the drawer." I awkwardly reached over and fished out the foil wrapped packet, tearing it open and passing it to him. "I want you on top ok?"

I nodded eagerly. Only when I was on top, we could almost fuck. I could control the speed and thrust. I stood up, and Will leaned against the head board. I climbed over him, and without hesitation I slid over his dick. It was a faster rhythm then before but still controlled, as his hands wrapped around my body, we rocked back and forward together our mouths never separating and we came together. This was the moment where Will and I were perfect.

"Amy… Marry me…" My heart exploded in my chest, overwhelmed in so many ways. "I love you baby, I want to spend my life with you. Marry me?"

My eyes filled with tears, and I started to shake. I couldn't speak, all I could do was nod. "So that's a yes." I nodded with more vigor and crashed my mouth into his

"Wait, wait…I have to get your ring…"

"There is a ring?!" I stammered out, my eyes blurred with tears. He pulled out of me gently and leaned over into the bottom drawer of his night stand and pulled out a small back box.

"I bought this the day after you moved in, when I said I was getting bagels. I have been waiting for the right moment to give it to you." He clicked the box open and my eyes couldn't believe the beauty of this ring. It was white gold, with a oval diamond in the center, the band was covered in pave diamonds. It was simple and perfect. He took it out of the box and slid it on to my finger.

"Will this ring is amazing. You did this on your own?"

"I did… I saw it and I knew it was for you."

"And it's been here since I moved in?"

"Yup, I went out the next day. After the loading docks. I wanted to ask you that night, but I didn't have the ring… So I waited and waited for it to be like that again."

* * *

It was well after twelve when we finally got on the road to his sisters house. I couldn't take my eyes off my ring, or off of Will who was beaming with happiness. My mind kept drifting back to that first night I moved in. That was the night he knew he wanted to marry me. We had talked about it in passing but that was the night he decided.

Will and I had moved in together and it was seamless. Most of my stuff fit into his place. My books, clothes, photos. It all fell into place nicely, and it felt like home to me in a way I had never experienced before. I remember that first night, unpacking boxes eating pizza.

"Hey baby, what do you want me to do with this box that says do not open?" it was a small box, heavy for its size. I knew what was in there, my marble notebooks. Each one filled with moments that should be forgotten, filled with my blood and flesh and pain. I didn't want them here in my new home, but somehow I couldn't leave them behind either. He lifted the box, holding it at arms length, surprised by its weight.

"Well, those are my journals…" His eyes shot up in surprise.

"I didn't know you kept a journal."

"I don't not anymore, I just did for a while… after…" Recognition spread across his face and I could see how he held the box with contempt. "Its everything that happened…When I was at my worst in the beginning, before Dalton…"

"What do you want to do with them?"

"I want to burn them." A smile spread across his face, as he hoisted the box on to his shoulder, grabbing my hand leading me down the back metal staircase to the old loading docks. He went into the studio, returning with a metal puke bin, and box of matches. I tore through corrugated cardboard the box, Will took a few pieces and lit them on fire, kindling in the bottom of the bin. I pulled out a book, and leafed through it, the ragged letters, my handwriting didn't look like my own. I was possessed when I wrote these words. Simons name appearing again and again.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I had never been so sure in all of my life, I wanted these words turned to ashes. They would wield no power over me, the light of the fire would destroy the darkness of my words. I tore the pages from the book, tossing them into the fire, they quickly caught and vanished into nothing. This feeling of relief took over my body, and I wanted to watch them all burn. I bent down, pulling a handful of books.

"Here… help me." Will smiled and grabbed two books, quickly tearing them into pieces and throwing them in to the fire. In a flurry of activity all the books were gone, the heavy box was empty. We stood there, his arm around my shoulders watching as the fire died out, the embers taking its last breath. It was done, and gone and I felt the change right there in that moment. I was going to live my life, for as long as I could, for as long as it was mine. No fear, no worry.

I could sense Will waiting for me to react, waiting to see if I was going to laugh or cry. I looked up at him, and felt like I saw him for the first time. I pulled on his tee-shirt, bringing his face closer to mine, and lifted my arms around his neck. His arms wrapped around me pulling me towards him. Our breaths mixing, in the cool April air, his eyes fixed with mine.

"It's going to be ok Will. I am going to be ok."

"Yes you are." He too me by surprise, lifting me off the ground, my feet dangling, before pressing his lips to mine. I was consumed by his mouth, the motion of his tongue, his lips. The need and the urgency. I was pressed between the old painted brick wall and Will's body, my legs wrapped around him. He pulled his mouth away from mine, looking down at me.

"We can't do this here…"

"What you don't want to make love to me in a dirty loading dock?" He chuckled and shook his head no.

"I want to make love to you in OUR bed."

"I don't know, this loading dock is so romantic…" I lowered my legs to the ground and Will released me, taking my hand and leading me back upstairs to our bed.


	75. Chapter 74 -White

So, I got an email the other day from a reader who has been going though a rough time, the untimely passing of a good friend. Up until yesterday both of these women were strangers to me, but now somehow though the power of words and this website we are connected and that is worth something dont you think.

So I dedicate this chapter to The Commander and her family and friends... to anyone reading who is going though something and looks to this website for solace and distraction, to the writers to look to the readers for inspiration and recognition. Tomorrow is a better day...

I am humbled that my words and thoughts were able to help the people that needed it most.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter...

XOXO PPP

* * *

We got to my sisters late but all is forgiven the moment Amy showed Trace the ring. I have never heard two women squeal like that in my life and then Kira joined in, not really sure what was going on but happiness is contagious. Charlie and I just stood there waiting for the screaming to stop and shook our heads. Amy had said yes and that was the only thing that had mattered to me. She was going to be my wife. The morning I bought the ring happened with out plan. I was walking up the block to get bagels, it was late well after eleven and our usual place was out of Amy's favorites. So I went out f my way to the other place she likes. There has been a jeweler next store from fifty years. I had passed the place hundreds of times, and never felt compelled to go in, until today.

The place smelled like old books and old carpet. A little old man sat behind the glass counter, with his jewelers loop, looking for a brooch of some kind. When I opened the door a little buzzer buzzed and his eye caught mine.

"What can I do for you today, son?" He was tall and thin, well into his sixties but had the glint in his eye of a young man.

"Well, I am looking for an engagement ring." His face lit up and he smiled.

"What lucky lady… What does she remind you of?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, what does she remind you of. My first wife Katrina God rest her soul reminded me of a petal on a flower, soft and delicate, could easily be carried away by the wind. My second wife Emmy, well she reminds me of a bee. Fast and purposeful, with a sharp sting but sweet as honey… So your lady… what does she remind you of?" I thought about that for a minute, and then a minute more. What did Amy remind me of…

"Well, Amy… my girlfriend she has gone though a lot but she survived, she fought but at the same time she is very fragile and delicate… I guess she reminds me of…" I thought about Amy, her smile, her laugh… I thought about her past and our future. I thought about her scars and how she got them, the life she had before me. I thought about the time we were apart and how lost I felt, like something was missing. I thought about how it felt to hold in in the night, her body pressed against mine. I thought about that first time we made love, how the light wrapped around her body, how she felt in my arms, how she tasted, how it felt to be inside of her… There was only one word to describe Amy… "Home…She reminds me of home…"

He looked at me for a moment, and smiled. "Home, eh…I have just the thing. Come." He waved me over to the far end of the counter and my eye like followed his. It gently pulled out the ring and I knew that was the one. I could imagine it on her finger, imagine holding her hand in mine as she wore it.

"I'll take it."

* * *

"Will, I love this ring! You did a good job, brother!" I smiled, and shrugged my shoulders.

"He really did, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like what I would have picked for myself." Amy did this thing that I love especially when we are out in public. it's a small thing really, I but she does not even realize what it does to me. But she reached back and runs her hand down the back of my head, gently scratching her nails though the scruff of my neck.

"I know my girl…"

We called her parents and Laurel, who were all going to come out the next day to celebrate. Everyone we cared about were going to be there at the same place and the same time. If it would have been up to me, I would marry her tomorrow. I would marry her right now, today. But no, instead we will enjoy ourselves this weekend with our friends and family who are happy for us.

I lift Kira off the ground and she giggles and wrappers her arms around my neck. I never really held a child until she was born, hell I even changed her diaper a few times. She was one of the reasons I agreed to go to rehab maybe the only reason.

"Uncle Will can we go swimming now." She scrunched up her face, and raised her shoulders. She smelled like the summer sun and water babies lotion and I couldn't resist her request.

"We sure can little bit." She clapped her hands with joy and wiggled out of my grip over to Tracy and Amy.

"You too Aunt Amy!? Let go." I saw Amy's face drop a bit and I knew what she was thinking; A bathing suit, she didn't have one nor would she even entertain buying one.

"Kiddo, I don't swim… But I will watch you guys…OK…" Kira's face dropped a bit and she crossed her arms against her chest studying .

"You don't swim? Are you scared of the water? Cause its just a pool and you can borrow my floaties…"

"No… Its not that I am scared of the water…"

"She just doesn't like to swim Little Bit, kinda like how you don't like…uh… mushrooms."  
"Mushrooms are gross, pools are not gross… pools are fun…"

"Kira, she does not want to swim, enough with the questions."

"But Mom…"

Kira was not the kind of kid that relented. I did the only thing I could. I hoisted her up over my shoulder, as she screamed with laughter. I gave Amy a quick look and a smile, I could see she was feeling bad but Tracy was quick on her feet and asked to see the right again. Amy's face changed instantly, a huge smile not only on her face but in her eyes; where it mattered the most.

It had been a great day, the sun held out and Kira, Charlie and I spend most of the day in the water until we were all pruned. Tracy stayed dry with Amy, and I was grateful to have such an amazing sister. She loved the water as much as Kira did. It was getting late, as I made my way to the kitchen watching Tracy wash the dishes from dinner.

"Hey that was some good steak tonight…"

"Thanks, I marinated it for like two days…" She pushed a hair off her face with her shoulder and in the moment she reminded me of our mother.

"You want me to dry?"

"Nah, I am just rinsing, this is all headed for the dishwasher. But that's Charlie's job he has a way he likes to do it…Control freak that he is…"

I leaned against counter next to her, just nodding. She was right Charlie was a control freak but in a good way. "What's on your mind brother?"

"Ahhh, I just wanted to thank you for not swimming today…"

"Please… it was nothing… really… Amy has come really far through… in the short time I have know her…And you guys are getting married… I am so happy for you Will."

"She has come a long way… but she still has further to come…"

"And she will do it… you both will… Any news on Archers release?"

"Not really, it is still set for February. Dino is doing what he can to delay it, but legally there is no reason to keep him there." She leaded against the counter next to me, drying her hands and exhaled loudly.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet…"

"Look, lets just focus on this weekend… OK… you are engaged Will… Holy Shit! ENGAGED! I never thought I would see the day…"

"Either did I…"

"You've come a long way too…" I grimaced, loudly. "Will its true… I mean it's coming up… you have come a long long way from the guy they wheeled into the ER…It's ok to be happy Will… You deserve it just like the rest of us…"

I wanted to believe her, I wanted to think I deserved happiness. But the truth was I didn't, I just got lucky. Lucky that Amy walked into my life when she did. I year earlier I would not have been ready. I was still in my head trying to figure everything out. A year ago my sponsor Sandra kept telling me over and over that the past was the past and I had to move forward. That I had to take command of my life, accept the past so I could have a future. That I had to stop being a pussy, that was the word she used and buck the fuck up and so I did. And then Amy came along.

* * *

"Baby… are you ready for bed?" Ay was tucked into my arm on the sofa, eyes closed, breathing softly. Her fair skin was a pale shade of pink from all the sun she had taken in, he hair was a wavy curly mess and honestly she never looked more beautiful. She grumbled something inaudible, and snuggle closer to me.

"She is out like a light buddy, too much wine I think…"

"Tracy is no better." She was sitting upright in the chair, chin in her palm out like a light. Charlie and I laughed and I took the last sip of my beer.

"Come on Amy, Up we go…"She opened her eyes as I started to move my body away from hers, finally standing up.

"This was a long day…"

"That it was."

We fell into the small full sized bed, I was careful not to hit my head on the ceiling for the hundredth time. I wrapped my arms around her my back to her front, and pulled her close, my hands running up and down the length of her bare thigh.

"Will, cut that out."

"Cut what out?" My hand drifted forward on her belly, my fingers tracing the line of her panties.

"I know what you're doing…"

"What I am doing?"

"Trying to get laid…" I felt her rear press into me, and her body tighten as I slid my hand under the cotton fabric and just cupped her, feeling her warmth.

"Is it working?"

"No…" I slipped my fingers inside of her, rubbing her gently and she let out a small gasp.

"What about now…" She moaned my name a little louder then I was expecting, her hand wrapping around my wrist. I pushed my fingers in deeper, feeling her clench around them, one and then again, in and out. She came in a quick burst, quietly. I could only hear her ragged breath, as she rubbed her backside into me, making me harder with each movement. I loved her most when she was like this, open and relaxed. I loved that she was able to get to this place, I loved that I was able to get there there.

"God Will, you don't play fair…Can you be quiet?"

"I don't know, but we are going to find out."


	76. Chapter 75 -Death

I watched Will sleeping for a little bit, he looked so peaceful. He always looked this way after we made love. At peace. I ran my fingers over the scar on his forehead, thinking about the day he got it. Wishing none of that would have ever happened to him, his addiction and his rock bottom. Will deserved a much better then the life he got, a life full of happy memories and sweet dreams. What he got was a mind full of worry, and ghosts from the past haunting him.

I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stay in this small room watching Will. I needed space and air and quiet and noise. I needed a drink. I pulled my near naked body away from his and quietly dress. I tiptoed down the creaking stairs, to the living room

I was sitting on the sofa; it was early, really early. The sun was still an hour away and all I had to keep me company was the distant hum of the air conditioning. The house was quiet and I felt somber. I couldn't tell you why I felt that way, but there was no other word to describe it. I couldn't explain it either. Tracy's house was always a relaxing place for me, a place where I could just be myself. I had not a single bad memory tied to it. Only the times spent there with Will. But on this night, alone with my thoughts and memoires I felt somber and a little lost.

I poured myself a glass of wine, what we didn't finish from the night before and settled down on the fluffy linen covered sofa. I was deliberately drinking the wine. Each sip was controlled, because what I really wanted was to chug the entire glass and pour myself a second one and maybe even a third. I wanted to feel drunk, I wanted to feel numb. I wanted my brain to give me break and booze was my go to way to get there. But I was trying to change that, trying to control my thoughts, control my memories. I felt like I was in control of every minute of every day trying to keep a straight face. Trying to keep myself level and sane, every day was a choice.

Everyone thinks I am doing so much better, and their right I am. But I still have these moments, in the dead dark night; moments that remind me how far I have come because they pull me back to where I was. They pull in to the darkness with them; they pull me away from my joy and happiness. They pull me away from Will and the life we have created the life we have fought for together. So I fight and I control and I breathe, for him for me for us. I wait for the morning to come and thankfully it always does, and Will is there next to me and everything is ok.

It had been a great weekend, one of the best of my life. I loved seeing my family interact with Will's. The look of happiness on my mother face when we showed her the ring, the tears in her eyes because she knew that I was ok and happy. The way my father shook Will's hand, as equals. How Kira took to my mother, as they sat there on the deck and played Candy Land. How Will and my dad, the two Williams in my life talked about everything. They had a lot in common, even their personalities meshed and their friendship never feels forced. How Laurel and Tracy and I could laugh together, really laugh. About silly things we saw on TV or telling stories from the past. Then there is Charlie and Jeff, in the garage leaning over Charlie's classic Camaro, talking about salvage yards and spark plugs. It was just a nice easy place to be and in a way we were all healing together. Simons reach was much further than just me, as Will's addiction touched more than just him. Our families were the rocks in the ocean that our waves crashed against. They were the fixed points and we were the motion and velocity. We were the frenzy.

"Hey... What are you doing up so early." Charlie appeared in the doorway, in baggy pants and a tee- shirt. He smiled at me, and then his eyes went to the glass of wine in my hand. "You ok Aims?"

"Yeah, couldn't sleep...What are you doing up so early?"

"I am always up this early... I run in the morning... and uh… you guys were exactly quiet…" I froze, my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

"Oh my god… I am soooo sorry…I uh… Will… was… Oh my god…Kira…" Charlie laughed, really laughed and shook his head.

"It's fine, Kira sleeps like the dead and I remember what it was like when Trace and I first got together…"

"That's still no excuse… I am really sorry." He shrugged, and walked over to me, reaching out for my wine glass.

"You want some coffee..." I smiled and handed him my empty glass, he gladly took it.

"Yeah, sounds good."

"I will put a pot up... Why don't you turn on the TV...? CNN please let's see what's going on in the world..." I fished the remote out of the sofa cushions and fiddled with the channels. I could never understand why they were different from Queens to Suffolk.

"You take it black right, one sugar..."

"Yeah, thanks... Hey... Do you want some company on your run...? I could use the..." My heart stopped, as I turned the volume up on the TV. It was his face that caught my eye first, I was there the day that picture was taken. I held my breath as the announcer spoke...

**_Breaking news today: Former CEO of Archer Global Miles Archer died today of an apparent heart attack. He was found in his home, no further details have been released. Miles Archer was the father of Simon Archer better known as the Broken Arrow, who notoriously held his girlfriend Amy Knightly captive for four days…_**

After that I stopped hearing, stopped listening. Miles was dead... My thoughts went to Helene, how heartbroken she must be and then there was Bea. I could only imagine the condition she was in right now; maybe she was the one who found him. And of course Simon, he would be happy about this news, I had no doubt about that. I felt a chill run through my body.

"Amy... Are you ok?" Charlie's voice broke through my thoughts. I just shook my head no. I followed his eye line to the TV, he had heard it all. I couldn't breathe, just hearing my name again in the news, Miles was dead it all came crashing down around me. I could feel my heart start to race, and I felt dizzy, grateful I was sitting down and had already consumed a large glass of wine. I was rubbing my forehead with my palms; my eyes closed trying to breathe deeply.

"I need…Will…Can you… I need…" I was shaking, it started as a quiver in my belly and then radiated out to every part of my body.

"Ok, Amy… I will get him…"

* * *

"Amy dear, there you are." Miles greeted us in the drive way, we were supposed to join them after the Gala, but Simon insisted on staying in The Plaza that night. I smiled, slamming the door behind me as Miles wrapped me up in a hug. I knew this would piss Simon off but there was nothing I could do to stop it. "Hello Simon." His voice was neutral when he addressed his son and I could tell something was going on between them.

"Hello father… Sorry we're late but you know how it is…" He raised his eyebrows and pointed at me, implying that sex was the reason we were late. I hated when Simon was like this, when he used me like a pawn in the chess game he was playing with his father.

"That I do… we have much planned for this weekend so… go drop off your things and meet us in the boathouse. We are doing brunch on the water today." Miles didn't give him the satisfaction; instead his draped his arm over my shoulders and leading me down the path into the house.

They had two speed boats, a Yacht and a smaller cruiser that was used most often. The sun was low in the cloudless sky as we drifted over the water. Helene was there alone that weekend, her boyfriend off doing something (and someone) else. She and Simon were talking about her impending trip to Egypt. She was doing a story about women rights, ironic I know. Simon was insisting she not go because she would be safe there, he was as obsessed with her safety as he was mine. Bea was wearing a very small bathing suit for a woman her age, sunbathing at the prow of the boat. I was not that she didn't look great; Bea always looked amazing she also looked a little inappropriate. I was sitting on the edge of the boat, wishing me feet would touch the water. My mind was drifting, I couldn't wear a bathing suit without some form of a cover up, the bruises on my butt and legs were healing to a nice greenish yellow. I had on my red bikini top and pair of long loose white linen pants.

"Mind if I join you?" Miles was standing over me in kakis and a pale green polo holding two icy beers.

"Sure, but only if one of those is for me…" He smiled and handed me the beer and sat down beside me. I took a long sip of the bitter bubbly liquid, a perfect drink for this hot summer day.

"So, how are things with you and Simon?"

"Ahhh, you're not even going to ease into it are you Miles?" I chuckled nervously, trying to defect his questions. I always felt like I would pay for talking to Miles, Simon would take it out on me later.

"There is no time for that, Simon is distracted right now. Otherwise he would be here already. So… Things… you… Simon?"

"Things are good, I mean… You know Simon he is a very complicated man…"

"Yes, yes he is…"

"He has had to deal with so much and but he is getting better. And you two seem to be mending fences."

"I thought so too but now I am not so sure… Amy, has Simon told you about his past?"

"You mean when he was fifteen?"

"Yes… that… He told you?" I nodded, not sure if I should be sharing this information with Miles. "Simon was very strong opinions about what happened during that time, not all of which is correct."

"He thinks you left him there to die…"

"Do you believe that Amy?"

"No, I don't… But I think he does and that is where all of his issues lie. I have been trying to get him to see someone but he refuses."

"He always has… god knows I tried… Look we don't really have much time… just promise me if he starts acting strangely, rob differently will you please let me know…"

"Miles, I don't know I mean…" I knew Simon would see this as a betrayal.

"Amy, please it is for Simon's own good as well as yours."

* * *

"Baby, Amy just look at me and breathe. Ok… breathe…" I nodded my head frantically, my hands grasping in to his. I took one long deep breath, the influx of air burning my lungs, I was grateful to exhale. "What the hell happened Charlie?"

He stood there, eyes wide never seeing me like this before.

"Well she was watching the news… Miles Archer died…and then they said her name…"

"Baby, they said your name?" I just nodded, biting my lower lip. "Ok, ok… it's going to happen… You and Dalton have talked about this, when he gets out the story is going to get re-hashed." Every so often his name would pop up. There was a story a few years ago about how many letters he was getting, women who wanted to date him, marry him. It was actually quite sad. That there were women out there all over the world who saw a man like Simon, knew his past and knew what he was capable of and yet they still wanted him.

"I know… I just wasn't expecting it to reach me here…" He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him.

"I know…"

"Guys I am sorry… I told her to put the news on… I wasn't thinking…"

"Charlie we watch the news at home… it was not your fault…"

"I need to call Helene…"

"Absolutely not… Amy, no!"

"I have to… you don't understand… she and I were close, very close… She was there for my parents every day at the trial… It was not her fault what happened. I have to at least call her…"

"Hello..." I could hear the hoarseness in her voice, the pain.

"Helene."

"Amy, is this you?" Her voice filled with hope, and I wished she was in front of me so I could give her a hug. I knew how close she and her father were, I knew what he death meant to her.

"Yeah it is... I... I just heard about your father...Are you ok?" She started to cry, and my heart broke for her. I sat there silently waiting for her to regain a measure of composure, not really knowing what to say. Will watched me with an eagle eye, mindlessly sipping a cup of coffee.

"No...I can't believe he is just gone Amy...He was doing so much better and then he was gone..."

"How is Bea?"

"Awful, they had to sedate her, she is the one who found him." My worst fears were confirmed, it was Bea that found him. "You must come Amy... he would want you there."

"I can't, I wish I could but..."

"Amy you are in his will... you don't have to come to the funeral in the city but we are having a memorial in the Hamptons house on Saturday... you must be there for that... Please..." The thought of stepping back into that house, all the memories all the good times, I wasn't sure if I could stand it.

"I don't know if I can go back to the Hampton house Helene... I just..."

"Amy, you loved him... and he loved you...Please come... Please Amy, I just need to see you.., it has been so long… Please… You are one of the only people who understand..." I locked eyes with Will, who was just shaking his head no.

"Ok, ok... I will come..." His eyes blazed and he turned his back to me angry.

"Good, I will call you with all the details... You haven't asked about Simon..."

"No I have not..."

"He knows, the director called... he knows... he requested furlough to come to the funeral... We of course told him no... That son of a butch, any excuse... he hated our father..."

"But they're not letting him out are they?!" Will's entire body came to attention.

"No, thank god no..." I let out a huge sigh of literal and figurative relief, resting my body back on the sofa.

"Thank god..."

* * *

"Amy you can't be serious…No you can't go!"

"I have to you don't get it… You just don't because you want to believe that every part of this time in my life was horrible but you can't…because it wasn't."

"I am not try9ong to that, and you know it… I am worried about YOU in there here and now. You are in a good place, but a fragile one… I don't want you having a set back because of the Archers!" I sat on the bed, running my hands over the worn quilt.

"Guys…"

"What Tracy!? What?"

"Hey, back off, Will… I was just going to tell you that Charlie and I are going to take Kira down to the beach for a bit… all this yelling is upsetting my daughter…asshole…" Will's entire body changed, his head hung low.

"Trace, I'm sorry… I just…"

"No I get it; this is fight worth having… I agree with you will… Sorry Amy… But we don't have to hear it… we will be back soon and then we are making waffles, because as you know Saturday is waffle day…"

Tracy nodded at me and smiled before she turned to leave the room.

"See even Tracy thinks this a bad idea." He sat next to me on the bed, and put his hand over mine.

"Look, I get it Will… I get it… But she said that she needed me… I can't say no…"

"Yes you can."

"Will you come with me please?"

"You know I will. Damn it…I don't like this Amy… I really don't."

"It's going to be fine. Ok, fine…"


	77. Chapter 76 - Darkness

I couldn't help but laugh. Loudly. My father was dead and hopefully burning in hell. They weren't going to let me out for his funeral, I am sure Helene was to blame. After all I had done for her, and she just turned her back on me. Only coming to see me here once, to tell me I was a monster. She looked so smug, telling me that she never wanted to see me again, that what I did to Amy was unimaginable and she hoped that I never got out. But I am getting out Helene. I am getting out sooner then you all would like.

"So, Simon… How do you feel about your father's death?" Gleeful, thrilled, elated… No Simon, tell him what he wants to hear so you can get what you want… Out of this fucking place.

"Well, I feel so many things… sadness is one… and regret that he and I never got to mend fences…I just wish…I could go to his funeral and get some closure." He jotted something down in his notebook and nodded his head.

"I understand that your request has been denied?"

"Yes, Helene my sister… she is still very angry at me… but honestly I don't think her anger is a reason to keep me away from my father's funeral." Take the bait asshole… take the bait…

"I agree, but I think that you are forgetting your sisters feeling and your mother's. It's already a stressful time for them, your release would only be adding to that. There is already media involved." Bloody fucking hell.

"No I get it, I see your point… but he is still my father… and I have worked hard in this room to love him again. To realize that what happened to me was not his fault, and I will never get this chance to say good bye to him again."

"This is very important to you?"

"Yes very… Even just for an hour…"

"Ok, Simon let me see what I can do." Perfect…it's just a matter of time now…


	78. Chapter 77 -Come

Sorry for the delay in posting guys... the upcoming chapters have been harder to write... I just want to get it right... many of you that have been in a position similar to Amy's have reached out to me and I want to do you justice...

Plus... my life has gone a little upside down and I have been preoccupied...

Please enjoy and review... Thank you for all if your amazing reviews!

* * *

The weekend was over, sadly it ended on a bad note and we returned to Will's place, well it was our place now. I smiled at that thought, our place. I turned the ring on my finger, watching it sparkle in the light and it all kind of hit me at once; Will and I were getting married. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. A year ago I would have laughed if you would have told me that I could be this happy. That I would be wearing this beautiful ring, that I would have a man like Will in my life. Will was the man who could deal with all my crazy and love me in spite of it, maybe even because of it. It was a comfort that our mutual crazy somehow negated the other.

I wondered how we would do it, tie the actual knot. I didn't want a big wedding or all the pomp and circumstance that go along with it. I just wanted Will, honestly there didn't need to be another soul there. I just wanted me and Will and a few I do's. But our family deserved a happy day, a day that we could put in a frame and say look… that day we were all together and happy. That day everything was perfect. A day that we could show our kids, and say see this is when mommy and daddy said I do.

I wanted to do it sooner than later, I didn't want to wait. Time was not on my side. I would have married him today. I wanted Simon behind concrete walls, when Will put the ring on my finger. I wanted to be Will's wife without anyone or anything looming over our heads. I wanted to walk towards him in a white dress and maybe holding a few flowers and tell him how much I loved him, how he had changed my life. I wanted to tell him that everything became possible the moment I met him, everything was in reach. I wanted to spend every day of my life wrapped up in his love, I wanted to hear our children laugh and cry, I wanted to rest my head on his chest every night and fall asleep to the beating of his heart. I wanted to be Mrs. William White.

He carried our bags into the bedroom and I just watched him, trying to get a read on what he was feeling, what he was thinking. He was being distant and quiet, which usually meant he was over thinking. An over thinking Will is never a good thing, it usually leads to jumpy limbs and an excessive consumption of sugar. These were the times he pulled away from me, the times that he wanted something that I couldn't give him. This was the side of Will that scared me, not that I was afraid of him… I was afraid for him.

On the ride home he held my hand, but he didn't speak. All my attempts at conversation were thwarted with one word answers and a few grunts. He had put on the show when his family was around. He helped Kira make the waffles, tossing chocolate chips into her open mouth. He spent the day with her swimming and pushing her on the swings. But when night came and she was fast asleep, I noticed how quickly he was drinking his beers, and when we finally went to bed he was asleep before I was even under the covers. We slept with distance between us, even in the small bed. That had been a first, I just laid there most of the night, thinking midnight thoughts. The next morning he was quick to pack up the car and get on the road eschewing breakfast to "beat the traffic".

I knew he didn't want me to go to the memorial service, I knew all the reasons why. He was afraid for me, and he was right to be. I was willingly walking back into the one place that was filled with happy Simon memories. I wasn't really sure why I wanted to go, I mean Helene was part of it for sure. She was like a sister to me; she and my parents were still in contact. In fact they were planning to go to the actual funeral in the city. This took Will buy surprise, I think he felt slightly betrayed, he didn't understand how we were connected to the Archer's. He couldn't understand how we were united by shame and loss. How those four days linked us all for the reminder of our lives. We all wore the stain of Simon's treachery and it was not something that could be washed away.

But there was also this other reason, I wanted to go. I wanted to see if I could face it. I wanted to see if I could face the past head on and prevail. In a way it would be like facing Simon, a test to see if I would pass or fail.

"Will do you want something to eat?" He was sitting in the sofa, remote in hand mindlessly watching the TV. I could tell from his lack of response and blank expression that he was deep in thought. I stood in front of him, blocking the TV. "Will…"

"Uh… yeah baby?" He looked up at me, his eyes still in another place.

"Are you ok?" His face fell a bit, as his wall of worry came down around us.

"Naaah, not really… I don't have a good feeling about any of this. Just when we are getting settled and things are feeling… I don't know… stable… something has to fuck it all up." I kneeled on the sofa next to him, his arm wrapping around my hip. I took the remote out of his other hand and laced my fingers with his.

"Will, nothing is going to change us… this… nothing…"

"Yeah… I know… but that does not mean this is going to be good for you, going back there. I know you Amy. They moment you start to freak out we are leaving."

"That is fine by me. I actually agree but I am hoping to not freak out. This is a test Will, a big test. If I can do this then maybe…" I wanted him to understand, I wanted him to see why I had to do this. Maybe it would go badly but it was a chance I had to take.

"Then maybe you can what, see Archer without losing it?"

"Yeah maybe… I don't know… we have been training more and more, I feel so much stronger and focused and Dino wants me to start going to the shooting range. I feel like the more I prepare, they better I will be… Going to the memorial is like… the coffee and the toothpaste… you know…" He took a few moments absorbing my words, his grip tightening on my hand.

"Ok, if I think of it like that… Maybe I can stand the thought of you in that fucking house… And we do need to get you to the shooting range… Dino is right about that…plus I wouldn't mind seeing you with a gun in your hand…'

There he was… my Will, the light and funny and mischievous Will that I depended on. He smiled at me smugly and the twinkle was back in his eye.

"Would you now?" He shifted his body and before I knew it my back was flat against the sofa, the weight of Will's body on top of me.

"That I would." He growled in my ear, and then he kissed my neck. My entire body responded and I moaned, pulling his mouth to mine.

"You know you weren't quiet… Charlie heard us…" Will was kneeling between my legs, pulling off his shirt and then untying the string of my linen pants, pulling them off my body.

"Did he now?" He eased down the sofa, kissing my belly before his mouth was on me, his fingers inside of me and everything after that was a blur. I dug my fingers into his hair, panting out his name. My core was on fire, as his shifted the position of his fingers; surge went through my body that was almost too much. I wanted to tell him to stop, but my mouth wouldn't form the word. He was pressing harder and faster, and sucking on my clit, this was as close to fucking as Will had come. Like he needed to make me come, he needed to feel me. I started to shake, my body unable to contain what it as feeling, everything was fuzzy around the edges and then it started. Like an explosion, a painful but pleasurable explosion deep in my body. I never came so completely, with every part of my being. I felt like it was never going to end, and then before I could even think, Will slid his unsheathed cock inside of me, as his mouth latched on to my swollen breasts and we stared to move together painfully slowly, my nails digging into his back. I was so close again, my walls quivering around him, holding on to him as tightly as possible. I knew he was so very close and before I was able to climax again he pulled out, leaving me hollow and came on my belly. I loved the sound of his voice when he came, this deep earthy growl that always managed to say my name. He looked at me sheepishly, and then his fingers were back inside of me, knowing I wasn't done. Pumping in and out, making me come again. I screamed out, when he pressed on that tender place again, the stimulation bordering too much.

"Who can't be quiet now?" He looked at me smugly, and rolled over next to me. Will gently wiped his tee-shirt across my body to clean me up, throwing it to the floor and scooping me up on top of his sweaty body. He was holding me there in his arms, pulling the throw blanket around us.

"Holy shit Will… that was… wow… what has come over you?" I could feel my heart rate start to drop in the safety of his presence; all I wanted to do was fall asleep.

"Three days at my sisters, trying and to be quiet… Shhh baby… Sleep."


	79. Chapter 78 - Guns

I was assaulted with the smell of gun powder, the loud bang of the guns around me. We had been there for five minutes and I already wanted to leave. This was not a place for me. I was jumping every five seconds; I could not see myself shooting a gun. I had never seen Dino look so at home in my life. He stood there gun in hand, showing me where the safety was, how to point, how to aim and then shoot. He pointed his gun at the paper target and pulled the trigger over and over. His aim was unreal; this is why cops are hot. Hands down the reason.

"You ready to give it a shot Aims?" he cocked his head to one side and handed me his protective glasses.

"Uh, I don't know… I mean…" I honestly wasn't even sure I liked guns, they were for lack of a better word scary and I saw firsthand what they could do to human flesh. I had the sadness and joy of running my fingers along Will's scars.

"Baby you can do this… it's easy once you get the hang of it." Will handed me a .45 and I took it, surprised but how heavy and cold the gun felt in my hands. I covered my ears with large headphones, and slid on the protective day glow yellow glasses.

"There's gonna be some kickback kiddo…" I nodded at Dino and took my stance. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, imagining Simon standing before me. I opened my eyes and took aim at the paper figure in front of me without another thought I pulled the trigger over and over. The reverb from the gun making my hands numb, my fingers tingled. The kickback shocking but I refused to move. I was standing my ground, no fear. I fired off two more shots, empting the mag, and rested the gun down in front of me. I took off the ear phones and turned to Will and Dino, their mouths slightly agape, eyes wide. Dino pressed the red button bringing the target forward.

"Holy shit Amy… you did good… really fucking good." I had hit the target over and over. I smiled with pride, I could do this. Guns were awesome.

"Baby, I am impressed…like seriously impressed." I felt the adrenaline pumping through my body, partly from the gun but also because both of them were beaming at me with pride. I took a mag off the table and reloaded the gun the way Dino had showed me, loving the clicking sound it made.

"Again!"

* * *

I felt invincible, like I could do anything. I turned out to be a good shot, a hidden skill I didn't know I had until I needed to have it. Kind of like Will discovering he possessed artistic skill in rehab. I felt powerful and that was a rare feeling. I didn't want to leave the shooting range; I could have stayed there all damn day.

"That was fucking great Will… Thank you for taking me."

"You are very welcome… I can't get over how great you did. You are a woman of many talents Amy Knightly…"

"That I am… that just felt so good, you know. Like really good, I can't wait to go again. Like seriously." I was like a kid at Christmas, whose birthday was the next day.

"Next week…" He pulled the truck into the alleyway and put the car in park and before I could think about it, I threw my body at him. My mouth needing his more then I needed air to breathe. I loved kissing Will, his soft powerful lips, the scratch of his stubble. The way he tasted, the way his mouth moved with mine. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me on to his lap. I could feel his erection pressing into my backside, as his hands ran up and down the length of my body. He pulled his mouth away from mine.

"Let's go upstairs…"

We stood in the living room, kissing stripping off each other's clothes into heaps on the floor. His warm wet mouth on my neck, whispering words between kisses. I felt so very loved as Will's firm body was pressing against mine, his hand cupping my ass. I wanted so much from him, I wanted everything. I wanted to feel everything all at once.

"Will, I want you to fuck me…" I kissed him hard and lightly bit his lower lip and then sucking on his chin. I felt him freeze in my arms and everything stopped as he pulled away from me.

"Amy… I… can't do that… I love you I want to make love to you… I can't fuck you… I won't…Trust me I have tried…"

"What does that mean… you can't, you won't… Will I am not a piece of glass I'm not gonna break," I lifted my tee-shirt off the floor and put it on, then pulled on my panties; not wanting to be naked in front of him anymore. Feeling foolish and very exposed and even worse rejected.

"I know that Amy… I just… I don't want to do anything that would remind you…of the past…" This was always going to come up… I was right when I said a long time ago that I would never be able to separate sex from Simon, because Will wouldn't let me.

"Of Simon… you will NEVER remind me of Simon… What do I have to say to convince you?"

"You don't know that… you don't think that I want too… damn it Amy…"

"No actually I don't think you do… I need you to be able to fuck me Will… I love making love to you; I love how you make me feel. But there is more than that, and you know it… if you aren't fucking me, you will want to fuck someone else." I stunned him; he stood there just staring, his eyes blazing into mine as my foolish words were hanging in the space between us.

"Wow, so now you think I would cheat on you…"

"No… not now, but we are getting married… that is forever… you can't tell me that that you don't want more from our sex life…"

"Do you?"

"Yeah, sometimes yeah I do… like today… I wouldn't mind you bending me over that sofa and fucking me… you are also so careful and cautious… you never really let yourself go…" He looked like I slapped him in the face and I wished I could have taken my words back.

"Why do you think that is Amy?" He pulled his shorts off the floor, and slid them up, leaving the belt undone.

"You never fucked a girl from behind before? You never slapped a girl's ass, or tied her up or played games in bed before…"

"Amy…"

"So you think that if you do those things to me… I will be thinking about Simon… are you thinking about those girls?"

"It's not the same thing and you know it…"

"I know that I love you and I trust you… and I want to fuck my fiancée. I don't want to feel his worry; I don't want to feel shame or panic. I want you… all of you… in all forms…"

"Well I am telling you I can't… I don't want you like that… I don't want to be like that with you. I know you have done some out there shit Amy… willingly… and that's fine… because I have too… but the shit that was done to you unwillingly… I can't… and I can't believe that you would want me to…"

"I want you to…"

"I am NOT SIMON FUCKING ARCHER! I love you Amy, but you already know that…I can't go there with you…" He roared, and I recoiled away from him. I was stunned into a coma like silence. I watched him put in his tee-shirt and grab his keys as he stormed out of the apartment slamming the door behind him.


	80. Chapter 79

Side note... you all have asked why Will chapters lack description... they way Amy's do... I am writing from his POV, men don't notice little things... So my whole approach is different... You guys have an eagle eye though pointing that out...

* * *

Fuck it all… just fuck… I knew one day this conversation would come. I knew that Amy would question me, ask me to fuck her. Dalton said to be prepared. He said that my fears of fucking her, of letting myself go were going to be a mountain to climb. It was my Everest.

Before Amy, I liked to fuck. It was a pastime. Fucking was an easy, mind numbing pastime. Anytime I felt lost or trapped, anytime I wanted to get high or felt angry I could pick up a willing participant and fuck it all away. It was my go to. Sandra gave me shit about it for years, saying I was replacing one unhealthy thing with another but fucking randoms was the lesser of two evils. Hell Dino liked his randoms too. In his line of work, connections are impossible.

But now Amy is asking me to fuck her and I have thought about it, all the ways, all the places…But I couldn't imagine actually doing it. This fear that we would be in the middle of mind bending fuckery and she would freak out. That she would do that thing, when she disappears. Every good thing about her drains away from her body and she is just a shell, a shaking crying shell. I worry that one day I won't be able to pull her back. That one day the counting won't work and she will be lost to me forever. So I stay controlled, and even keeled. I don't push too hard or too fast, I don't let my mind go for a second. She was right about that.

I did the other day, I did let go just for a few seconds and it was a mistake. I knew where I was pressing was causing her some pain, I knew it was too much…It was a trick I had learned long ago. I had wanted to do it to Amy for so long, make her feel like that but I knew there would be pain so I hesitated. When she came, she screamed and shook, she gushed around my fingers. I wanted to fuck her then; I wanted to pound myself into her. I wanted the world to shatter around us. I came so close to doing it, the look on her face, and the sweet sheen on her body, the smell and taste of her pussy. I just want to let go but I didn't… I couldn't…

I walked a few blocks, from the heat and the setting sun to a dark cool bar on the corner. I sat on the stool and ordered a beer and a shot of whisky. The amber liquor burned my throat and I chased it with a beer. The bartender was quick to fill my glass again. She was a cute blonde, tan skin, small tits, tight ass. She was in a tank and short shorts. I had seen her here before. A year ago I would have taken her home; she would have been just what I was looking for.

"Bad day?" She smiled as she wiped down the counter. I drank my second shot, finished my beer and threw a twenty down on the bar.

"Yeah, you could say that. Can you pour me another one?" I squinted at her name tag. "Jennie…please." She giggled and pulled me another beer and it started to feel like old times. Simpler times…

I hoofed it back to the apartment hours later, drunk. I was fucking drunk. I shouldn't be drunk. I was a fucking addict. I could drink in controlled situations, a beer here, a glass or two of wine but to go out and drink shots with the intent of getting drunk. I was crossing the sobriety line. I should have called Sandra, that would have been the smart thing to do, but I was drunk and not making smart decisions.

I barreled through the door, and Amy was sitting in the sofa. She looked so small and sad. She was fresh out of the shower, the scent of her body wash filling the apartment. Her hair was wet, tied up on the top of her head. She turned when she heard the door slam behind me. My mind was telling me to stay calm, but my pride was telling me to be a dick. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, slamming the refrigerator door behind me.

"Will it's late, where have you been?" I walked in front of me blocking my way out of the kitchen with her body. Her nose scrunched up and she took a small step away from me. "Have you been drinking?"

I brushed passed her, not answering and made my way into the bedroom. She followed me, he short legs unable to keep up with my long strides.

"Will, have you?"

"Yeah…I have…"

"So you are drunk right now…" I shook my head defiantly and the disappointment spread across her face, the edges of my heart burned in pain. What the fuck was I doing? "Wow… so this is how it's going to be now…"

She grabbed her purse off the chair in the bedroom and slipped on her flip flops.

"Where are you going?"

"Home… I am going home… this is bull shit Will and you fucking know it… We have a fight and you walk out and get loaded…I don't feel safe here when you are like this…" I reached out to touch her but she recoiled away from me, a look of disgust on her face.

"You want to fuck Amy… let's fuck… I am drunk enough to do it now…"

"Go to tell Will… just fucking go to hell…


	81. Chapter 80 - Strength

This has been one hell of week and you guys have been amazing... To Avid reader and your crazy review of D&W on my Fifty ways story to encourage others to read... And to Jonesy for tweeting EL James to read my story...Megs for tweeting a RIOT! Huds and your amazing reviews and inspiring PMs... Cole inspiring me to write Sandra... NickJ for your story and support... Lala and Rosie my first readers... Thank you all so very much... This story is getting harder to write as it progresses and gets more complex. I think I might have given up if I was not posting here and for your feedback...

xoxo PPP

* * *

I drove the streets with tears silently streaming down my cheeks. I felt numb and spent. I hated seeing Will in that condition, knowing that it was me that got him there. His balance with sobriety was even delicate then I even realized, and he was teetering in the wrong direction. Before I came along he was better, he was in control and then Hurricane Amy comes along and rips thorough his life leaving destruction in the wake.

I drove up the street to my childhood home and luckily found a parking spot out front. I would have pulled into the driveway my parents would have known I was there and right now, I just wanted to be hidden. Walking through the front door was almost eerie; it was not my home anymore. My home was with Will a mile across town.

I shuffled to the bedroom and I curled up in my bed; the sheets smelling stale, almost sour and it was too high off the ground. I had grown used to the lower stature of Will's bed, the soft flannel sheets, the way the smelled like detergent and Will. I missed his arms holding me, and the breath of his words in my hair as I fall off to sleep. What was I thinking asking Will to fuck me? Should have never gone there, things were fine just how they were. I should have just left it alone.

I didn't want to admit it but I missed pieces of the sex I used to have with Simon. In the beginning when the limits were just slightly pushed, and he was making me feel things I never thought I could. In the beginning when the pain was about increasing the pleasure not causing pain for punishment.

I knew Will's past, I knew he was that guy… the one who fucked around, a lot. Dino was always making his jabs, and Charlie did too only to be scolded by Tracy. We both had complicated pasts, and I did my best not to think about Will's because I knew he did his best not to think about mine. There were times when I would wonder if I was enough for him, truly enough. I could feel him holding back, I could feel his self-control and I had this fear that he would get bored with me, that in time he would find what he needed from someone else. I knew it was silly and stupid, most fears are but it was as real as anything I had ever felt.

* * *

It was cold, the air thin and dry. I could feel the chill and the wind blowing around me, the hum of the a/c off in the distance. I pulled the lightweight comforter around me, wishing Will was there with his never ending supply of body heat. My door pushed opened slowly, I could feel the trepidation. My back turned to it and the light spread across the floor on to my bed, casting my shadow and his against the wall. I heard his soft footsteps, and then the rustle of clothing being removed and thrown to the floor. I could feel the relief and anticipation flow through my body. I scooted forward on the bed, making room for him to lay behind me. I felt the springs shift from his weight and then his body press to mine, his hands sliding around my waist, sliding under my shirt. I could feel his cold fingers cupping my breast…Will's hands were usually warm, hot even. I moaned just a little, as I pressed my body against his. With his hand flexed at a tortuous meandering pace, trailing down to my belly, sliding under the band on my panties. He kissed my neck with his soft lips, biting me gently and then his fingers eased past my folds and began rubbing me, harder and faster. My breath hitched, my rear end grinding into his erection pressing against me. I came, loudly worried that my parents might hear us, I bit my lower lip as my body tried to absorb the pleasure, his long fingers sifting down and sliding inside of me.

"Come for me…come for me Love…" His voice was low in my ear, haunting me.

* * *

I jolted awake breathless and panicked, my eyes darting around the darkened room. It was just a dream…Thank god it was just a dream…My core was throbbing, I had come in my sleep, dreaming of Simon. No, no, no. This could not be happening, no. I could feel the bubble of fear and then everything started to feel small and dark; I closed my eyes trying to force what I was feeling away. _No Amy, don't do this. Breathe and fight, breathe and fight. This is the test Amy this is the test…Don't let him own your mind… it is yours only yours… _

I forced myself up off the bed; my feet hitting the floor taking a few shaky steps. I took a few deeps breaths between each step, pushing the panic away but it wasn't working. It kept coming back, the pendulum swinging. I braced myself against my dresser, knuckles white staring at my dim reflection in the mirror, the sun just rising over the trees. _I want Will… I need him here, I don't get like this when he is around me…He won't always be here Amy… you have figure this out for yourself… get your shit together. Breathe…and think… _

_I started to count, but it was no longer working and even if it did counting took too long. I needed something different. _I imagined holding a gun in my hand, and then I saw myself punching at Irving. The power I felt in those moments, I would draw on that. I would draw on my own strength, not Will's. I could do this, I would do it. After a minute I felt back to almost normal. Almost normal was the drive I had been living on lately and it worked. I just had to keep myself there. Will or no Will I needed to stay on almost normal.

I had not dreamed of Simon like that ever. My dreams of him were always full of pain and fear, full of fire and darkness, never once were they full of pleasure. Never. I ran my hand over my belly, feeling the raised bumpy scars, my fingers tracing over each and every one, a rush of bad memories flooding to the forefront of my mind. I forced myself to think about it. I wouldn't allow myself to push them away. The rough pine floor and the taste of blood in my mouth. The sound the cane made whipping through the air the second before it hit my flesh, Simon's ragged breath filling the space between hits. The vanilla candles burning and the wax being poured onto my thighs, a pain that worsened at the wax hardened. The glint of the box cutter, the delicate sound of my skin splitting open, as the blood seeped out.

I allowed my mind to play the images over and over in my head, every touch, every smell, and every bit of pain. I heard every whisper, every angry word, every proclamation of love and devotion. I owned it all; I could not allow it to own me. It isn't easy for me to let it go, to set myself free but I am the only person who can do it. No one can do it for me. Not Dalton, or my parents or even Will could do it.

The sun was pouring thru the windows and I could hear the kids walking together to the bus stop, summer camp. Laughing and calling each other's names. How long had I been like this, standing before the mirror lost in thought, found in thought felt more accurate. I could smell the coffee being brewed upstairs and made my way up surprising both of my parents on a Monday morning. Dad was in his uniform, his polyester shorts and shirt ready to deliver the mail and Mom was still in her robe, her summers off.

"Amy what are you doing here?" Mom looked up from the kitchen table over her cup, worry on her face.

"Will and I had a fight… I crashed here." I leaned in the door way, and he walked over to me taking me in her arms. I sunk into the warmth of her hug, and breathed in the smell that was known only to my mother. Ivory soap and Jergens Lotion, the classics.

"You had a fight? You guys don't fight…" She held me at arm's length and rested her hand on my cheek before she turned back to the coffee press.

"Trust me ma… we fight… we just don't stay angry…this time was different…Do you guys mind if I stay here a few days?" Mom motioned for me to grab a mug. I pulled one out of the cabinet and she poured me a cup.

"No you can't… You need to go home and work things out…" I was shocked by her response, I was expecting an of course and I got a hell no.

"I don't know Leigh… if she wants to stay here…"

"Billy, she does not live here anymore… She lives with Will…Look Amy… people fight… you know your dad and I always have… You can't run because of it… Will is not Simon… He is not fighting with you… he is fighting for you… So no… you can stay here today… but tonight you go home and you fix whatever this is…" I absorbed her words, and she was right. Staying here and hiding wouldn't fix a damn thing but there was thing linger doubt. What if this couldn't be fixed, what if this divide between Will and I only grew? His words were haunting me… _You want to fuck Amy… let's fuck… I am drunk enough to do it now…I don't want you like that… I AM NOT SIMON ARCHER… _

"What if we can't?" I took the cup of steaming coffee from her and wrapped my cold hands around it, inhaling deeply before I took a sip. Remembering a time where that would have never been possible and smiling that it now was.

"Then it is better to know that now…then to run from it and have it happen again. Will loves you… and you love him… I doubt there is much the two of you can't fix…together."


	82. Chapter 82 - White

Follow me on twitter PerhapsPerhaps1 and facebook perhapsperhaps dot perhaps dot 3

* * *

I woke up alone, my head throbbing, my stomach turning. I was dehydrated and disoriented, an all too familiar feeling. The bed next to me was cold, Amy was not there. I made sure I pushed her away, my last words to her playing over and over in my head. The look of shock and then sadness that lined her beautiful face was haunting me. _"You want to fuck Amy… let's fuck… I am drunk enough to do it now…"_

Amy was gone and I wasn't sure if she would ever come back. If I were her I would run away from me, far and fast. I should not have gone to that bar, I should not have flirted with the bartender for hours, and I should not have come home drunk and belligerent. I made one huge mistake after another.

I went to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face and brushed my teeth. Somehow that made me feel human again and I knew what I needed to do.

I picked up my phone and dialed number one on my speed dial, waiting to see if she would pick up.

"Helllllllo." Her chipper, breathy voice came through the line and I knew everything was going to be ok.

"Hey Sandra…" I pulled open the refrigerator door looking for something to water the dry riverbed that was my mouth.

"Hey Will…what's wrong?"

"I fucked up… big time…" There was a few beats of silence on the line and I leaned against the kitchen counter and took a long sip of orange juice straight out of the bottle, I should have waited… toothpaste and orange juice never mix well.

"You didn't…" Her voice was full of fear and anger.

"No… I didn't get high… but I got drunk…"

"Will…you can't do that either… you know it's a gateway backwards…"

"I know… trust me I know… can you come over I need to talk." Without a moment's hesitation she answered me.

"Yeah, I can... Give me a few minutes; I got to drop the kids off at my ma's. You really are a dumb son of a bitch White…"

"Don't I know it…Sandy… Don't I fucking know it?"

Sandra was a godsend; I met her after I was released from rehab at one of the NA meetings up at Our Lady of Hope Church. She was running things, ordering everyone about, making sure the coffee was hot and the chairs were lined up just so. I would later come to find that her nickname "The Commander" was hard earned and deserved. For weeks I would just sit there, not really talking, not really listening. I was in rehab for sixty long painful days and was tired of my own voice. I was just so fucking tired of hearing everyone's pain and issues. I went to the meetings because it was important to have a routine. So it was breakfast, gym, lunch, meeting, dinner, bed. It sounds simple right, except for every single day that it wasn't.

I was sitting in the back row, hood of my sweatshirt up over my head, waiting for the meeting to start when this woman sat next to me. She was short, if she was five one that was a lot, she had a mass of short curly brown hair and really sweet kind smile, but her eyes told a different story. I could see the pain behind them.

"So are ya thinking about joining the party today?"

"No not really…"

"Why come then… I mean if you are not getting anything out of it. Why waste your time and my much needed chairs."

"It's a place to be… if you don't want me here I can go to the meeting at Saint Frannie's." I was getting pissed, what the fuck did she care if I was here or not, if I spoke or not…

"I didn't say I didn't want you here, I want you here… but just showing up… well that's not HERE and you know it…Look I know where you are right now, trust me I have been there… but stop being a little bitch and man up! You're not going to get any better if you don't do the work…"

"Little bitch… those are some bold words for such a little lady…" She laughed, and patted my on the shoulder as she stood to leave.

"I got big balls Will… and an even bigger mouth… You're talking today… in fact you're up first or no coffee for you!"

* * *

"Why don't you want to fuck her? I don't understand the problem…" She was sitting on my sofa Indian Style facing me. She looked tired, really tired. I didn't know how she did all she did. Two kids, a husband, the meetings and still dealing with her own addiction issues.

"Sandy… She was beaten and raped over and over… I can't just fuck her…" She shook her head, lips pursed scolding me silently.

"Fucking is not rape Will, you know that… I mean… she is telling you to fuck her… she wants you to, you want to… Fucking is fun… it is supposed to be fun… and you are making it something else entirely."

"I just don't want to, cross a line and have her freak out…" The idea of it just shook me to my core. To be in that moment fucking Amy, and then to trigger a memory of Simon.

"My husband still crosses lines sometimes… I freak out… women by nature freak out…All I am saying is…look you love her… she loves you… you make love and it's great but if all my husband and I did was make love… well we still wouldn't be married because we would be fighting all the time… Fucking is like friendly fire…You need to switch things up a bit… keep it light to start, make it a game… Don't fight in lieu of fucking, go out and get wasted and then say stupid things you don't mean. Don't flirt with a bimbo to make yourself feel like a virile thing, come home fuck your fiancée and get over yourself."

Her words were like a machine gun to my brain hitting their target over and over. All Amy wanted was to feel normal, to feel wanted and desires. She wanted to feel like any couple, and new couples fucked like bunnies. This is why Sandy was my sponsor, because she had a way of making me see things I couldn't see on my own.

"You're right." I finally said feeling stupid.

"Fuck yeah I am right. I have not seen you this happy and settled ever Will. In all the years I have known you… I want to dance at your wedding… so don't fuck this up… weddings are the only time I get out of the house…"

"Well, you know I only asked her to marry me because of you and your lack of evening plans…"


	83. Chapter 82 - Fuck

Hi everyone- I am sorry for the posting delay! I have been sick with the flu... so a few things to discuss...

1. To all the new readers... Thank you for reading... please follow and review...

2. To all my loyal readers, your reviews have been outstanding... Thank you for being so invested in this story...

3. I have been promising a casting call for Will/Amy/Simon... I will be posting a photo collage on Twitter and Facebook this week... So if you aren't already follow me... perhapsperhaps1 on Twitter .3 on facebook... IF you have any last minute entries please send them soon... need a few more ideas for Simon and Amy...

Ok... here it is... enjoy! And please review!

xoxo PPP

* * *

I opened the door to the apartment, my mother words still in my head. I wanted to work things out. I didn't want to run and hide. Will and I could fix anything; look at all we had already overcome. And then I saw him on the sofa wrapped in another woman's arms, their soft words echoing through the space and everything I thought I knew fell away. They both jumped up off the sofa when I slammed the door behind me, the sharp impact making my ears ring.

"Amy…" I couldn't make out Will's expression as he leapt up off the sofa and started walking towards me. I held my hand out, halting him in his tracks. He looked at me for a moment and then he glanced that this woman and back to me and it was then that I saw the fear. _Good he should feel afraid… _

"I just came to get a few things… I won't be long." I spoke without really thinking, I just needed to grab my stuff and get the hell out of there before I started crying. The woman stood there like a deer in the headlights as I stormed past them into the bedroom; again I slammed the door behind me. It felt so good, I wanted to open it and slam it again just to prove that I could. I heard their hushed tones, they were whispering but I couldn't make out what they were saying, trying to convince myself I didn't care. _I didn't care. I knew this was going to happen, that it was only a matter of time…_

What a fucking idiot I was. This was just like Simon and that blonde woman… it was going on under my nose and I was too stupid and wrapped up in him to see it. All of those feeling of betrayal came flooding back to me and over flowed on to what was happening with Will. I opened my drawers and started flinging my shit haphazardly into my bag. I don't know if I was going to need those turtlenecks in July, but I would be god dammed if I was going to leave them here.

The door creaked open and I felt his shadow hovering over me.

"Amy what are you doing?" he actually sounded surprised, but I would not allow my neck to turn and look at him. I just stormed around the room, grabbing random things that I didn't need.

"What does it look like I am doing… I am packing up my stuff…" My voice was snide and cold.

"Amy, we had a fight, I was wrong to act how I did… I am so sorry baby…" I finally couldn't take it another second and spun myself around locking my eyes with his. The panic radiated off of him, he looked so sad and broken and not like my Will and then the last twenty four hours came rushing back to me and all my compassion fell away.

"Don't call me baby! This is not just about the fight and you damn well know it…I mean it took all of a few hours… really Will…" He looked at me with question on his face and I pointed to the other room. He really had no clue and then the weight of what I was implying hit him. His entire face contorted, stunned that I would even suggest such a thing. He took a few steps towards me, and we were only inches apart.

"Amy, it's not like that… Sandy is a friend… a very good friend… she is married…"

"And YOU are engaged…" I zipped my bag up and threw it over my shoulder. I walked passed him, unable to even look him in the eye. I he reached out to grab me and I jumped sideways. I couldn't believe this was happening. I ran out of our bedroom towards the front door, my eyes fixed on Sandy who didn't even have the decency to leave. She was sitting there on the sofa waiting for me.

"AMY! Come on WAIT!."

"Amy… please don't go… I have wanted to meet you for a while…" She stood up quickly and I wanted to punch her in the face, she wanted to meet me…History really does repeat itself.

"Wow… for a while… how long has this been going on?" I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, this was really happening. It wasn't some awful dream, this was it. I heard Will's ragged breath behind me and her eyes darted over to him and she smiled. I shook my head, hoisted my bag higher on my shoulder and made my way towards the door.

"AMY…wait…" Will sounded desperate, and it took everything in me not to turn around and wrap my arms around him.

"Amy it's not like that… I am Will's sponsor… he called me because he needed my help… nothing is going on…I am very happily married and Will… well he is not my type…" Sponsor, not mistress or lover… Sponsor… it took a second for my brain to switch gears. I stood there in the open door frozen for a few moments. I turned my head, but not my body just in case I didn't hear her correctly?

"You're his sponsor… from NA?" She nodded her head and I dropped my bag on the floor. The relief I felt was indescribable, what was I fucking thinking. Will would never cheat on me, he was right… Will was not Simon Archer.

"Why didn't you tell me that in the bedroom Will, Jesus Christ?"

"It's anonymous… I wasn't sure if Sandy would want you to know… So…"

"Look, I am going to head out, you two have a lot to talk about…" She gathered her bag and slipped on her sandals.

"Sandy… wait…Thanks for dropping everything for me… again…" I felt like shit, for so many reasons and in so many ways.

"Uh… I am sorry for how I just acted…"

"Please, if I would have seen my husband hugging someone as stunning as me, I would have lost my mind too…" We both laughed and she rested her hand on my shoulder as she stepped over my bag and walked out the door. Will came over and grabbed the bag off the floor and I could feel the tension between us. I knife would not have made a dent, maybe a chainsaw.

"Amy…I am sorry… like you have no idea how sorry…I should not have reacted the way that I did… and I should NOT have gone out and gotten wasted."

"No you shouldn't have… I was scared of you last night Will."

"I know, that is the worst part for me… That I made you feel like that… I promised myself I never would and I did…" Tears broke the corners of his eyes and I realized that there was nothing I could say that would make him feel any worse than he already did. I took a few steps towards him pressing my palms flat against his chest wanting to ease is body and mind. He relaxed at my touch and covered my hands with his, linking out fingers together.

"What are we going to do Will…I can't be this victim in your eyes… this thing you need to keep safe… that won't work for us long term…"

"I know… you're right… you are not a victim… you my girl are a fighter." He pressed his forehead to mine, our bodies inching closer together, like magnets.

"And I can take care of myself… you have given me that… I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am not going to break…" I could hear my voice shaking a bit, I was doing my best to be strong, trying to convince him that I was.

"That's not true… you broke this weekend…"

"I didn't break… I panicked… I froze…and honestly that might not ever go away… but I am not broken… and you could never hurt me…I just want us to have everything."

"We do. We do baby." He took my hands by the wrists and pulled my body flat against his. He lowered his head to my ear, his tongue tracing my lobe. "Let give this fucking thing a try." I knew that we needed to talk more to figure this out but all I could feel was his hands on my body and his breath on my skin.

"Ask me again baby…" My breath was shallow and my chest began to heave, all the yelling and fighting, the night spent without him. Finally all the crossed wires and misunderstandings would all begin and end with the next seven words.

"Will, I want you to fuck me."

His mouth claimed mine, my lips parting to meet him. We shuffled backwards and my back hit the wall. Will pulled away from me, pulling my shirt up over my head, and pulling down the cups of my bra exposing my breasts. His tongue trailed over my breasts and he sucked and bit at my nipples. I could feel the wetness building at my core, as I arched towards him. He forcefully grabbed my ass, pulling my core towards his, rubbing against me. I reached between us, and pulled on his belt and then his zipper, lowering down to my knees and peeling off his jeans and boxer briefs. My eyes locked with his I took him in my mouth. His staggered breathy moans fueled my need to make him come. I reached up and sunk my nails into his tight ass, as I sucked him over and over. His hand cradling the back of my head, pulling on my hair. His cock pulsing in my mouth, I knew he was close a hint of saltiness flicked across my tongue. I gently raked my teeth against him, from root to tip. He moaned out my name as he came violently in my mouth.

"Stand up Amy…" I did what he asked, and leaned against the wall. Now it was his turn to descend to his knees, pushing my panties aside and lifting my leg over his shoulder. As his mouth sucked on me, he slid his thumb in to my wet pussy, twisting it around in a circular motion. I clenched around him, as he hit this place inside of me over and over, a deep burning pleasurable pain. I came quickly, my entire body shaking and before I could think, Will hoisted me over his shoulder carrying me the few feet into the bedroom and playfully threw me on the bed.

"You want me to fuck you from behind, that's what you said right?" He was stroking his cock with one hand and I nodded yes. "Take off your panties and your bra… Slowly I want to watch you." He took a step back and I stood up, sliding off my bra feeling the heaviness of my breasts, I ran my hands over them pinching the nipples. I saw his eyes light up, as he pumped over his cock faster. I slid my cotton panties down to the floor and stepped out of them.

"Lay back on the bed and touch yourself, I want you to make yourself come." I felt a twinge of nervousness, as I sat on the edge of the bed, slowly laying back. I let my fingers run around my outer lips, in small circles and then slipped two fingers past my folds and ran them along my clit, flicking it over and over with my middle finger. I increased the pressure and speed pushing harder and harder, my eyes closed head back, my free hand cupping my breast. I could feel it building inside of me, I was so close and then I slid my fingers down, pushing them inside.

"Fuck Amy…" His breathy growl made me want him more.

"Will… please I want you inside of me…"

"Get on all fours, ass facing me." I pulled my fingers out, caressing my clit once more, and started to move. "Wait…Amy suck on your fingers… I want you to taste yourself…" I did want he asked, sliding my fingers in my mouth, tasting the salt of my body mixing with his.

"That is so fucking hot baby… on your knees I need to fuck you…" I swung my body around, ass in the air. Will was quickly behind me, his hard throbbing cock pushing into me, hard. It took me by surprise. I had not been fucked like this is a very long time. His hands were at my hips, and we fell into a frantic rhythm together. He pumped into me over and over and then reaching around and began to rub my overly sensitive clit. I was moaning and calling out, telling him to fuck me harder. That I needed him deeper and then he hit my end sending a wave through my entire being as I came violently around him. My muscles locked around him, as he came. The weight of his body slacked against of mine; unable to hold the weight we collapsed on to the bed. Panting, breathless with smiles on our faces. Will looked over at me and just shook his head only able to utter one word.

"Again…"


	84. Chapter 83

"Baby… I have a class at noon…" Amy and I were wrapped around one another, her head on my shoulder, legs tangled with mine. Her fingers making small circles over my heart as she nuzzled her face into my neck. I didn't want to move a muscle, I wanted to stay in bed, and I wanted to fuck her again. I forgot what it felt like to just let go, without thought or worry or fear and Amy was with me every step of the way. I didn't feel her slip away once, her eyes locked with mine, sharing the air. She let out a little moan at my words, and kissed my jaw line before she turned away from me.

"I am going to sleep… I couldn't last night…" Her voice was sleepy and sweet, she was satiated and spent. I felt a twinge of pride that I was the reason.

I got into the shower and rushed thought my routine not bothering to shave. I had fifteen minutes to get my ass downstairs. I was out as quickly as I got in. And was dressed and opening the front door just as my first students made their way to the door. Luckily this was my beginner class and I didn't need my usual focus. My mind was still on Amy, asleep and naked in our bed. I couldn't stop thinking about what just happened, how good it felt, how good we were together. I felt like one weight had been lifted, all my worry was for nothing. Amy was right, she was stronger now and she would get stronger still. The class let out and I sat in my office my mind focused on one thing. The decision I was about to make, it was going to change me. That was the one thing I knew for sure. I knew with one phone call I would be putting the plan in motion, and watching the dominos fall from a safe distance. Was I strong enough to do it, did I love her enough. Did she love me enough to endure? Could she forgive me, forgive all of us, but me most of all. I stared at my cell phone turning it over and over in my head. One phone call… It rang once, twice and he answered.

"Hey Will…" Jeff and I had become friends and allies, we had a common goal. Keeping Amy safe and well and it bonded us like brothers.

"Hey Jeff…"

"Everything ok?" His voice was tentative, and I heard him whisper to Laurel that he would be right back.

"Yeah… fine… You know what we have been talking about?"

"Yeah…?"

"Make it happen… I will come up with the money…"

"You sure about this Will, I mean are you sure?"

"Yeah… I want him dead, you want him dead… deep down Amy wants him dead… So yeah I am sure… He can't get out of that place alive…"

"No he can't…I will make a few calls…Are we telling Dino about this?"

"Not if we can help it… no…"

Just like that, I made a choice. I chose Amy over myself, over my soul and I knew I was making the right choice.


	85. Chapter 84 - Darkness

I pulled my suit and it felt good to be back in fine wool and silk. They cheap cotton I had been subjected to was horrible. It was larger than it once was, the food was worse than the clothing. I couldn't wait to work out again, really work out a push my body's limits. I need to run and feel the air and wind around me, to feel free. My confinement has been a brutal assault on everything I am as a man. No ocean, no wind or waves. No Sky and clouds to soar through. I made quick work of my tie, making a perfect Windsor tie. I fastened my cuff links and brushed off the shoulders of my jacket, aligning everything just so. Today was the day my freedom began. Today was the day my plan would fall into action. My father's death was the perfect excuse, the perfect reason. I wish we would have thought of it sooner.

I walked out a guard on each side of me and stepped into the white van. I knew not too far away Frankie was waiting with his newly assembled team. It is truly amazing what money can buy; freedom, loyalty, sanity. Despite all the obstacles D'Elia had put in my way he still couldn't stop this. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when they all hear the news. When they all realize I have all the power and I always did. It won't be long now, as the institution falls away behind me.


	86. Chapter 85-Promises

I just wanted to thank all of you for the support you have shown this story... It has been amazing... Not one here on FF but in Twitter and Facebook...

Will/Amy/Simon casting has gone well... If you don't follow on face book... Simon:Matthew Goode Amy: Jennifer Lawrence Will: Josh Jackson or Sam Worthington ( that is still undecided)

I have not been able to respond to PM and reviews, just carving out the time to write both stories has been hard... So i just want to thank all of you for your support I have been reading these reviews and it is the sole reason I am pushing on with this story... We have come to a cross roads... and I feel like if this was a book series this next chapter would be the end of part one... I hope you guys enjoy... I am going to be taking a few days off maybe a week to edit what i have already posted... I may go back and update chapters... as I have added much info that you have not read yet... I will let you know if i do...

I am going to start sending this off to agents and see if i can get this thing printed and bound...lololol...

Next week, expect a long chapter as part two begins...

Please review and let me know if you are interested in reading the enhanced chapters...

xoxo PPP

* * *

I was still in bed when I heard the door open. I was in that perfect in between of waking sleep, warm and happy and safe. I felt amazing, like a weight had been lifted. So much had become clear to me. I hear Will kick of his sneakers and turned my head to look at him. He smiled as his eye caught mine. I watched him strip of his sweats and wife-beater. Finally he was standing naked before me. I flung open the blanket, my skin assaulted by the cold air as he slid into bed next to me warming me once again. He rolled me on to my back and nestled his body against mine, holding his weight on his elbows, his hands in my hair. I wrapped my legs around his thighs and draped my arms around his neck.

"Hey…" His voice was low, a small smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes and I felt like something was wrong. Not with us but with him. I ran my hand along his unshaven cheek and pulled his lips to mine. I kissed him gently, almost barely.

"Are you ok?" He was silent for a long moment, just looking down on me.

"Yeah…I am… You know how much I love you baby… You know I would do anything to keep you safe and happy."

"I know… I know you do." His eyes were glassy, tears just breaking the corners. "Talk to me… What is wrong?" He shook his head and one of his hot tears fell on to my chest. He inhaled sharply and exhaled gently, I could feel his breath in my face. I couldn't remember a time where Will had been so emotional, and it scared me.

"Nothing is wrong…I am just so sorry for what I said and how I acted."

"You said what you were feeling and yeah you were a huge asshat…Lucky for you ass is my favorite kind of hat." Again the smile of his face never touched his eyes and I started to worry.

"I know how lucky I am… But I was out of line when I said what I said… right before you left…"

"It's not so much what you said… It was how drunk you were… I just worry about the drinking."

"I am not going to drink anymore. I decided today. No more… After talking with Sandy… she put everything in perspective. " I smiled because it was such a huge relief hearing him say that. I relief that he saw the problem before it actually become one. "I need to have a clear head now…"

I knew what he was talking about; it was the undercurrent of our lives. Simon. Simon was everywhere; I could feel him lurking in my mind and maybe even in my heart. In mere months life as I knew it would change. I was in the calm before the storm. Will let out a small sigh and knew that I needed to change his feelings; he was sinking deeper into his shame and self-hate. I could feel it radiating off of him.

"Well you have to have champagne at our wedding Will." The smile finally reached his eyes, and I could feel his body relax against me. I raised my legs around his waist and held him tightly. "I don't want to wait; I want to be your wife sooner than later." He was quiet once again and he rolled over pulling me with him, so that my head was resting on his chest.

"When?" I couldn't see his face; I could only feel the tension in his body and the accelerating rate of his heart.

"I was thinking October… We have a small place in Vermont. My parents and uncle inherited it from my grandparents. I was thinking you and me, my parents, Tracy, Charlie and Kira, Laurel and Jeff…just the people that matter… The leaves change early and there is this church that is over a hundred years old in the heart of town."

"That's what you want?" His lips pressed to the side of my forehead as I traced my fingers over his stomach.

"I do…But is that what you want?"

"Baby, I would marry you today…tomorrow, yesterday…" Will's voice trailed off and I could only hear his steady breath. Then without warning he shifted his weight again, pulling me beneath him, Will's mouth on mine, soft breathy kisses, his eyes open, watching me watching him. He slid into me slowly, so very slowly and I raised my hips to meet him.

"Amy…promise me…" He pushed in to me so deeply, so fully that I cried out, sinking my nails into his back. He gritted his teeth and growled, slowly pulling out and then thrusting in again with the same result. "Promise me that no matter what…you will…" I cried out again, wrapping my legs around him, my body shaking. "Oh my god… Will…" The orgasm hit me quickly, as he pushed into me again and I could feel the hot wet warmth as Will came inside of me. He collapses against me and the weight of his body is bearing down on mine, I am full in every way possible. There is nothing that could come between us, no force good or bad. "Wow…I feel dizzy…"

"I feel fucking fantastic…"

"You do that to me again… and I will promise you anything you want…"

"Again?"

* * *

There was a loud unrelenting pounding on the door. Will and I were on the sofa watching a movie. And by watching I mean making out why a movie played on the TV. We both jumped at the sound and Will got up to get the door. I heard Dino's voice and then the shuffle of their feet pounding up the stairs. I could see the fear in Dino's eyes and I knew something was very wrong.

"Dino what the fuck?" Will looked annoyed, I was half dressed on the sofa attempting to make myself look presentable. Looking for the bra that Will threw over his shoulder.

"Sorry… uh…Jesus…I have to tell you guys something…let's all just sit down for a second." Dino looked sick, sweaty and frantic. He kept looking at Will trying to I don't know, silently tell him what he was thinking. And god damn it I think it was working.

"Dino, why don't you let me get you a bottle of water or something you look like you have run a marathon…"

No thanks, Amy… I am ok… just sit. Let's talk." Will and I both sat down on the sofa, his arm instinctively wrapping around my waist. I leaned into him, feeling this small bubble of panic in my belly. Dino took a deep breath and pulled an Altoid out of the small metal box he pulled from his pocket. "Today was Miles Archer's funeral in the city…"

"Yeah… we know…Dino…"

"Have you been watching the news?" We both shook our heads no and I knew what Dino was going to say before the word left his mouth. I grabbed at the arm of the sofa, bracing myself for impact. Bracing myself for the wave to rollover me.

"They released Simon for the day…"

"THEY DID WHAT?" Will voice roared through the apartment, he stood quickly, startling me.

"He convinced his shrink to let him out…"

"And…" Will was seething, his fists clenched at his sides. I knew what was coming next, his face was all telling.

"And he escaped on the way…" Everything came crashing down around me, I couldn't breathe or speak. I couldn't hear. I was surrounded by darkness once again. I could feel the tears falling from my eyes, and then Wills arms around me as I collapsed against him. Simon was free and we didn't know where he was. _Amy… pull out of it… pull on the strength… don't let go… don't freak out… breathe…_

This inner voice in me started at small, and it grew louder and louder until it was screaming in my head. Simon had escaped, he had his freedom and I would have mine. God damn it I would have mine and then I made I choice. I took one deep breath and then another. Instead of leaning into Will, I pulled away from him, pushing his body away from mine so that I was standing alone, ignoring the hurt and confused look on his face. I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my shirt and put both hands up, one towards Will and one towards Dino keeping them at bay. Keeping them at an arm's length, keeping myself together because I knew that it was only a matter of time now. I had to be strong and I had to be ready.

"We have no idea where he is do we?" My voice was raw and my throat hurt when I spoke. Dino shook his head and then ran his fingers through this hair.

"No Aims we don't… This is not my jurisdiction either, US Marshalls and the FBI are working on it. They are giving me very limited info."

"Why didn't we know he was getting out before it happened?" Will took a tentative step towards me, and I took a small step back. I knew that if he touched me I was fall apart, that I would lean into his strength and abandon mine. Hurt flashed across his face and all I could do is cover my mouth with my finger tips and shake my head no.

"It was a final hour thing, his shrink made a plea… It was not done by usual protocol."

"How the fuck did he escape?'

"I don't know all the details, just that his van was intercepted in route… The two guards escorting him as well as the driver are dead…" Simon was responsible for the death of three men, strangers. People he didn't know, people who had done nothing to him. Every part of my body was screaming out no, if he was capable of that he was capable of hurting the people that mattered most to me.

"I don't understand why now… Why when he is so close to release." I just couldn't understand why now, with month to go.

"Well, I have been working with the DA about his release. And I got it so they were going to put an ankle monitor on him, after his release. They are near impossible to remove undetected, it would have been on him during his entire parole time. He would not have gotten two feet near you…"

"Dino I didn't know you were doing that…"

"Either did I…" Will shot Dino a glare and it was returned in kind.

"Well I guess we both were keeping secrets then Will Aims… I would just about anything to keep you safe… we all would… Anyway it got approved about six months ago, his attorney fought it but in the end we won out. That must have been when he started thinking of another way."

"But how could he have known his father would have died…" I gasped, my hands covering my mouth. It all hit me at once, revenge and freedom all at once. "Miles death wasn't an accident was it?"

"No Amy it was not… The preliminary autopsy is showing foul play…"

"Helene and Bea?"

"They found out this morning and there is a security team on them now."

"What about Santana and McGuire?" Will was in full on cop mode, the shock had worn off and his whole demeanor changed.

"Mac has been here since you guys got back from Trace's…"

"Wait what? If Simon just broke out today why has there been a guy here since yesterday?" They looked at one another and then to me. Was everyone keeping secrets?

"Amy, look you are not going to like this but we have all had you followed since we found out about Archer months ago…"

"You WHAT? Who do you mean by WE? What the fuck Will!"

"Me, Dino, Jeff and your dad…"

"I can't… you all have been going behind my back?!" There wouldn't look me in the eye, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to just open my mouth tip back my head and scream. "Wow guys just I can't believe you all… I am not some project for you guys to work on."

"Amy, baby we know that… we all just wanted to keep you safe…" Will put his hands on my shoulders and I felt it immediately. I just wanted to wrap my body around his and make this all go away. "Baby… we didn't want to tell you because you would have had a constant reminder. We all thought it was best to keep ot from you for as long as we could. You were doing so well, getting so much better. That was all that mattered. You are all that matters."

"He is right Amy…Look, we don't have time for this right now… we need to get you out of here. Archer is at large; the press is having a field fucking day. It won't be long until they are knocking at your door."

"I am not going anywhere…"

"Amy!"

"No, it's too late… he is out… that bell can't be un-rung… I am not going to run…"

"Yes Amy you are… You are going to fucking run. You are not ready…"

"I am never going to be ready… how does anyone get ready for this Will… you don't… But I am not going to run… he will take it out on my family and maybe yours now… It's time I uses some of this fucking money against him… Dino… call your guys… uhh… Santana and Mac… I want to hire ten more… I want Laurel and Jeff in my old apartment… Two at my house, two at yours Dino…two at Tracy and Charlie's… and four here…" I took a deep breath, not sure when then last time I did. My mind was racing but focused. "I have a fire box full of cash in the closet…and a safe deposit box at the bank…I guess you will need more than ten guys right… they will be on shifts… You're right the press is going to be an issue too… aren't they? Fuck…"

"Amy…" Will was shocked; I could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes.

"I have had six years to think about this day Will… it came around a little sooner than I thought… but six years is a long time…" I stretched my arm out and he quickly took my hand.

"Amy, put the security on your family but you need to get the fuck out of here. At least for a little while… Vermont… go to Vermont…"

"Dino, Simon knows about the place in Vermont…I can't just run…"

"Yes you can…baby go pack a bag… I know where we can go…"

"Will…"

"Amy… a week… maybe two…think of it as a vacation…Ok…pack light…"

"My family…"

"Aims, the police will protect them too… I mean the FBI will be here soon." And as if on cue there was a knock on the door and it all began…again.


	87. Chapter 86 - Staircase

Hello ALL! So here we go... embarking on Part two... Thank you for all of your support, you guys are the reason I have gotten this far in the process. Usually these stories just live in my head or in my computer. AS this portion of the story is harder to write my goal is to post three nights a week...

Please review, and if your not already follow the story... I am inching towards 200 follows... You are a small and migty group... I have well over 500 reviews and I treasure every single one of them!

XOXO PPP

* * *

Darkness Shining… Darkness and White Part Two

My eyes follow Will as he goes down the stairs, his muscles are flexed and taught, he is in full on cop mode. Though I know he can more than protect himself I am still in fear for his safety as he descends down the stairs out of my view. Dino stands behind the door; he wraps his hand around my hip pushing me so that I stand behind him. For a moment I am stunned by his touch, the palm of his hand on my bare skin, and I think it had the same effect on him. But there is no time to address it. He looks at me for a moment and his face is also full of worry as he puts his finger to his lips telling me to be quiet. I hear the click of the safety and his gun is drawn, he too is in cop mode and it hits me all at once. That this is real… This is happening and there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it.

Simon is out there, waiting, lurking, and planning. He has been ten steps ahead of all of us this entire time, and we were all foolish to think otherwise. I should have known, I knew how his mind worked, how it burned. I could only imagine his long lonely nights, with nothing but his anger and thoughts to keep him going. I used to believe that the nights when my dreams were most intense were the nights he laid awake, thinking about me. It chills me to my core that he had his father killed, the callous planning that must have gone into such an act. To make it look like natural causes, my throat tightens at the thought of Miles' final moments, wondering if he knew. It was a crime of Shakespearian proportions, and a chill runs though me thinking about something Simon once said to me about his relationship with his father… _Tis the eye of childhood that fears a painted devil._

The sheer amount of work that must have gone into convincing his therapist he was well enough for release, even just for a day. I knew better than anyone how convincing and cunning he could be. How he could have you feeling one thing but thinking and doing another. How he could get under your skin and strip it from your muscles and bones leaving you exposed and receptive to his unique brand persuasion.

There is another loud bang at the door and I know in every part of my being that Simon is not on the other side of it. I don't feel him. I also know that he is too smart to just come and pay me a visit, I know we are all over reacting but everything is heightened that he is loose. Everything has changed; I will never open my door again without wondering if today is the day. I will never go for a walk without looking over my shoulder to see if he is standing behind me. Will won't ever be able to relax or let go, he will always be on alert and on guard. I worry for him, what all of this is going to do to him and what this is going to do to us.

I hear his voice first, and it startles me as my memory pulls his face from the back of my mind. I run to the top of the staircase despite Dino's interference and eagerly peer down, hoping my mind is not playing tricks on me. I am thrilled when his kind eyes find my and the run down the staircase to his open arms.

"Chiyo!" I don't hesitate to let his arms engulf me; he has always made me feel safe and protected. The tears well up in my eyes and I am rendered speechless, remembering the last time I saw him.

"Amy…thank god…" His relief is palpable as he mutters soft words that only I can hear and understand.

"What are you doing here?" he pulls his body away from mine and looks to Will silently asking for permission to enter with his two very large body guards, whose faces I remember as thought it were yesterday. I turn my head to Will, his eyes fixed on me and I give one small nod letting him know it is ok. The three men enter the small hallway and walk upstairs, Will and me following. I reach back and grab his hand, feeling like he needed the reassurance of touch more than I did. He gives it a squeeze and I stop midway on the stairs and press my lips to his, taking him by surprise. With the help of the stairs we are almost the same height and our eyes lock while are lips move together. Worry, fear, hope and love pass between us as his arms tighten around my waist. It is a small moment, but it has more weight than any we have every shared. We finally break apart and he pats me on the ass, as I ascend up the stairs into the apartment. Dino watches us with a possessive stance and a glare in his eye as he looks over at Chiyo and his men. I give him a small nod and reluctantly tucks his gun back in its holster.

I motion for Chiyo to sit on the sofa, Will, Dino and I join him while his men stand stoically at the door. There is this tense awkward silence and then Chiyo begins to speak.

"I am not sure where I should begin…" He is speaking in Japanese and I ask him to please speak in English. He smiles, realizing her has forgotten himself and nods.

"Of course I am so sorry; my English is not my second nature. But I see you have been keeping up your skills Light Smile…" I blush at his complement and the use of my nickname. Will is looking at me with this strange look, he has never heard me speak anything but English before.

"Only in my head… but thank you… now tell me how… why are you here?"

"Miles… I came for the service… that is why I am state side… It was a very sad day in light of new developments… I always knew Simon was capable of unthinkable darkness but to kill his own father… But I have been… watching you and Simon from a distance…" I knew from Helene that Chiyo had moved forward with the deal once Sam Klein moved in buying up the fragments of Archer Global. Miles stayed on for a while to broker the final parts of the deal but then stepped back.

"What do you mean from a distance? Wait, it's been your men following Amy?" Will leaned forward on the sofa as he spoke, his elbows on his knees. Dino grunted, as he put it together at the same time.

"Yes…yes it is…on and off for years... It started because I was watching Simon's men…It is a long long story… but I have also been tracking Simon's movements for years. His men were good, careful but not perfect…Simon has left the country… where I don't know… but my men were able to track him to a small airport on Long Island…" Relief flooded my lungs, drowning me in an unexplainable joy. I knew Chiyo was right, I didn't feel Simon. I always could, even if I couldn't see him I always knew if and when he was in a room. I often wondered if he could do the same with me.

"Are you sure?" Will's voice was so tight, so full of anger and hatred. His body was shaking, his fists clutched.

"Sure, no… but it's what we think happened. I will find him Amy…" Chiyo looked at me with determination in his eyes and I knew it was a promise he hoped to keep. I reached over and took his hand in mine, a tear sliding off of my cheek.

"That is quite the ring you wear." I smiled looking down at my engagement ring glittering on my finger, a bright spot in the darkness of this day.

"Thank you…"

"You look well and happy…" I nodded that I was and then he started talking in Japanese again. "Is this a good man Amy? Does he love you and protect you, does he make you whole?"

I can only say one thing and I know he will understand one thing that will answer all his questions and put to rest his fears.

"Kishi kaisei…" He smiles, a small smile and places his warm hand on my cheek. I know he understands now, as he nods with his eyes fixed on Will.

"Kishi kaisei…" Chiyo repeats my words and he rests his hand on Will's shoulder and to my surprise Will's body relaxes. "You can do this Will…You have a lion inside of you… it will keep you both safe."

Will is taken aback and his eyes go glassy and for the first time all day his body relaxes, resting his hand on my knee.

"The FBI will be here soon enough, you need to leave before that happens…I don't trust anyone, everyone can be bought. I will take care of the security for your families and mine…" Dino's voice goes cold realizing that his family is in danger too, Rocco and Grace are easy targets for Simon. "But time is ticking…" Will and I stand together and he kisses me on the forehead urging me to leave the room.

"Remember I said pack light and quick." I nod and smile, watching them as I walk away.

"So Chiyo… why don't ya tell watcha know…" Dino stands and removes his jacket taking a small pad out of his pocket. The three men cluster together, their voices low. Chiyo waves his guards over and they sit and join the mix. I know I should feel relived, but the only feeling that runs thought my body is impending dread.


	88. Chapter 87 - Darkness

Well I have FINALLY hit 200+ followers! SO to all you new comers thank you for joining the party and from those of you following from the beginning well, you guys are the best!

Sorry for the delay! Enjoy and please please please review!

XOXO PPP

* * *

The breeze comes of the water and somehow it's warm and cool at the same time. I feel like it is the first breath of fresh air my lungs have felt in years, maybe even ever. The waves gently lap up against the surf, only to retreat and then come back for more. This eventual repetition, the constant motion of the water calms me; I take a deep breath and enjoy the salty air because this always reminds me of Amy and the good times when things were simple because we made it so. I stretch my back, my legs, and my shoulders. I tighten the ties on my sneakers and begin the process of getting my body back.

I start my run as the sun rises over the water, my feet digging into the soft wet sand, my calves and thighs red-hot, the muscles and nerves rebelling against me. I am gasping for air but I keep going testing my limits, my lungs not used to this kind of exertion anymore. The pain, the sweat and the burning feels marvelous and I let out a long hard groan deep from my belly. I push on, running faster and harder then I should, ignoring my body screaming out for reprieve. Pain has always fueled me, it is something I need and crave and want more than just about anything, not the pain itself but the ability to control it. To own the pain, to master it and to defeat it because I am stronger then it will ever be. I need this, to be in control of my mind and body once again.

So I run until I have nothing left, until the pain doesn't matter and for a little while my mind goes blank, only the sounds of the blood rushing in my ears and an errant bird flies overhead reminding me that this is real. I run until my limbs feel boneless, just skin over quivering muscle and the nerves that shatter with every movement. I run until there is nothing left.

An hour later I am back at my house, I strip down leaving my sweaty clothes on the sand as I walk into the cool blue water. I can almost hear a sizzle as my hot skin submerges. I sink in deeper, a sharp intake of air as the water covers my head the soft waves caressing me. I swim out to where the water is calm and it feels like a rebirth as I come back up for air, breaking the surface of the water. I wish Amy was here with me, laughing and swimming. I wish I didn't have to wait but it's the only way. There wasn't time to get her too.

I know she misses me, my dreams tell me that she does. She is always there, waiting for me, calling out to me…I think about her all the time, wishing that I could have done things differently, wishing I wasn't such a fucking mess. But she loved me anyway. We were in love once, really truly in love, the kind of love that lasts a life time. Sure I fucked it up. I made mistakes and caused her pain but she caused me pain too. Leaving me the way she did without a word, keeping her pregnancy a secret, choosing the child over me. My stomach turns just thinking about it, unforgivable. I was willing to see past all of that but she wouldn't talk to me. She would just lay there silently taunting me, ignoring me. Pushing me further and further, testing my limits and testing hers. She knew what she was doing.

Now she is doing it again living with that drug addict, wearing his ring. I know she is mocking me. Letting him touch her, letting him love her, fuck her. The thought just disgusts me that she would allow another man inside of her. William White. His name echoes in my head. I wonder if she screams it out as he fucks her. The way she used to scream out my name. I can't wait to hear her voice again. Soon, so very soon.

Naked I make my way inside. My hideaway is small for my standards and private, no one for miles and miles but I still need to be careful and go unseen. A face like mine is always remembered, it is the gift and the curse of beauty. The house is no more than a shack really; a series of small rooms, cozy would be the word for it, cozy and old. I bought it for the land, dreaming about the house I would build on it one day. Who knew when I bought this place a decade ago it would have such purpose. It was perfect, far enough to go been unseen but not too far away to be forgotten. While I was gone, Frankie fortified the current house, making the necessary modifications for Amy, and then stocking it with everything I would need. His loyalty has always been controlled by a series of photos I obtained years ago; blackmail is the highest form of fidelity a lesson I learned from my father.

It is strange being alone now, years of people surrounding me, everywhere I went. No security team, Frankie and Spence both scattered for now, laying low. No doctors trying to get into the darkest corners of my mind, no patients screaming in the night. I can feel my body detoxing from the pills, my head is cluttered, over loaded. So many thoughts, too many jumbling up, twisting and turning over and over. I feel like my mind is screaming as my hands begin to shake. My heart is beating out of my chest. Fuck…I stumble to the bathroom, making my way to the old cast iron tub, and turned on the shower. It took five minutes before the creaky pipes generated hot water, it felt like an eternity. If I could just feel the hot water against my body I would be ok. Finally the water was burning hot, nearing unbearable and only when it is beating against my body am I able to relax.

I had done it, all the years of planning and waiting and I had done it. That fucking detective forced my hand with his ankle detector scheme. Three people paid for it with their lives. Their blood was on his hands, not mine. I can still hear the gunfire and screaming. It was a rush from beginning to end, the feeling of power as our car drove away, leaving the past behind.

With the hot water beat down on me my mind drifts to my love. Amy was perfect, her smile, her mouth, the curve of her glorious ass and my fingers running up and down the length of her bare back; skin like silk, perfect and flawless. Her eyes piercing my heart, just a look and she could make me hard. The sound of my name escaping from her lips in pleasure or even in anger, always made me want her. I pumped my throbbing cock, over and over. With my eyes closed tightly I was inside of her again, her legs wrapped around my hips, her fingers in my hair pulling my mouth to hers. Begging me to fuck her, harder… I came loudly, calling out her name, feeling free because for the first time in years there is no one to hear me. All of my energy was gone as I leaned against the cold tile wall, trying to collect myself. Only Amy could do this to me.

Amy was trouble from the moment I met her. She wasn't like the others; she didn't give in or give up. I enjoyed the work it took to get her to submit to me. Each and every time was a victory. The power it took to control the strong was more gratifying then controlling the weak. She was a challenge in every sense of the word. I set the tone early on, from our very first night together. I knew she wanted me, that was clear but how much I wanted her took me by surprise. I have never craved a woman before, maybe because finding a woman to fuck was like finding a grain of sand on the beach, easy if you look down.

We woke up together that first morning and I just knew that she was it for me. Sure I would have a girl or two on the side but my heart belonged to Amy…

* * *

Her naked body was pressed to mine her back to my front. This was the moment unusually avoided, waking up with a woman in my bed. I tighten my arms around her, my face tucked into her neck, peppering it with small kisses. Who the fuck am I right now? She snuggles her body against mine and sighs.

"Morning love." I nip at her shoulder with my teeth and I can feel the chill run through her body.

"Morning Simon…" She lifts her arm reaching back and starts to gently rub the back of my neck, her nails scratching in my hair. I guide my hand over her breasts; she moans as gently pinch her already hard nipple. I slowly run my fingers down her body, dipping them into her belly button and then finally easing them inside her, she is wet but gasps and pulls away when I slip my fingers in deep. I was rough, and I fucked her twice. The second time was from behind and it was more brutal then the first. But she loved it, screaming out my name, telling me not to stop. She didn't know it yet but she was built for fucking, built for the pleasure and pain that only I could provide her.

"Simon… I can't… I hurt…a lot." Her voice is flecked with contentment. She pulls my hand out of her by the wrist, my wet fingers turning cold and wraps my arm around her body. I give in and don't fight it, relaxing against her.

"Baby, I am sorry… you just make me so fucking crazy…"

"I am not complaining, it just not happening again today…maybe even tomorrow." I can feel my cock growing at her outright denial; I will have her again… And the challenge begins.


	89. Chapter 88

I start randomly throwing things in our overnight bags, the basics tee-shirts, underthings, toothbrushes. I am starting to feel my adrenaline leave my body and my hands are shaking. I sit at the foot of the bed and take a few deep breaths, but it is pointless. No amount of oxygen can fix this. Panic is going to be my new normal, the feeling that will always be under the surface of my skin. I go to the closet and pull out the black metal box filled with cash, putting in on the bed nest to Will's bag. There is more than enough in there to keep us untraceable for a while. I start making a mental check list of all the things I still need to get and then it hits me and doubt starts to creep into my mind. Maybe I should have let the guys kill Simon when they had the chance. Three people were dead because of me and my conscious. Three families destroyed… Actually four people…four families…

I need to call Helene… I can only imagine what she is feeling right now; Simon was responsible for her father's death. I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my head around that. I pull my phone out of my pocket and hold my breath as the phone rings.

"Hello…" It's a man's voice with a strong Brooklyn New York accent, I for a moment I think I have dialed the wrong number. "Amy… it's Sam Klein…Helene's fiancée."

Will walks in, breaking my concentration. He scowls when he sees I am on the phone and then goes into the closet.

"Oh, hello Sam… Sorry I was expecting Helene… Is she ok?"

"No… she is a fucking mess… I know she wants to talk to you but I finally got her to rest… can she call you back?" Will returns with another metal box, this one is much larger than mine and has a combination lock. He opens it and then surprises me by taking off his shirt.

"Uh… well… I am leaving town for a bit…Can you tell her that I am thinking about her…And that I love her… I will call her when I can…" I can hear Helene's groggy voice in the back ground, telling Sam she is awake and asking for the phone. He tells me to hold on for a moment and I here hushed voices but can't make out what they are saying but he keeps calling her honey.

Will pulls out a leather holster out of the box and fastens it around his arms. He slowly loads his gun, clicking on the safety and secures it to his side. My eyes are locked with his as he loads a second gun and places it down on the bed and sits next to me, resting his hand on my knee.

"Amy…" She sounds haunted, sad, tired and worst of all drugged.

"Helene… I don't know what to say right now…"

"There is nothing to say…The life we knew is over…"

"Yeah it is… I am so sorry…"

"Me too… you need to stay safe…You have security?"

"Yeah… I do… don't worry about me…I am going away for a bit… I won't be able to make it to the service…"

"It was canceled…I can't face anyone right now… But I want you to know something… My father… he left you the libraries…" My heart stops for a second, and I don't thin I heard her correctly.

"What?"

"The books… the libraries in the Hampton house and the apartment. He left them all to you…He said you were the only one who knew their value not just their worth…" I can feel the burning in the back of my throat, as I choke back tears. The Archer library is worth millions in first edition books alone.

"Helene I can't…"

"You can and you will Amy… when things settle down… I miss him so much already… I miss you…"

"I miss you too…" Will looks at me, nodding that we have to leave, time is ticking away. He stands and goes back to the metal box, cracking his neck from side to side.

"Helene… I have to go… You won't be able to reach me for a little while but I will be thinking about you… OK…"

"Ok, I will be thinking about you too… and stay safe…"

"You too….. Bye…" Will says nothing as he takes out several boxes of bullets and places them next to the gun.

"This one is for you… It's like the one you used at the range… I want you to keep this in your bag…" I nod as I take the gun and a box of bullets from him, shoving them into my bag. This is my life now. "You need to leave your cell here; we don't want anything that can track us… We are also taking Chiyo's SUV… It's time to go baby. Are you ready?" He takes his cell out of his pocket and places it on the dresser next to mine. He grabs all our bags and the metal box on money and then extends his free hand to me. I wrap my fingers around his. Am I ready? I have no fucking clue but I also have no fucking choice.


	90. Chapter 89 - Wel-come

The road stretches out before us, my headlights illuminating the way through the darkness. Amy is asleep next to me, curled up under my jacket. I keep glancing over at her, just to make sure she is ok. Just to make sure she is still there. Dave Matthews playing softly on the radio, he is not my favorite but I know Amy loves him so I deal. We have been driving for at least ten hours now; a little bit more and we will stop, our destination inching closer. I won't be able to relax until I can hear the ocean and smell the salt and a whiff of smoked meat in the air. I called in a favor, one of my dad's old pals. He has a small place right on the water, told me the key was buried two inches deep in a planter on the front porch and to stay as long as I need to. My father's presence is all around me even now when I need him the most. I can feel him and somehow that makes this easier to take.

I am exhausted, pushing my limits far beyond what I should but I want to get as much distance between Amy and New York as possible. I don't care what Chiyo says, I don't know where Archer is, what I do know is that three men are dead because of him and I will be god dammed if I let anything happen to Amy. I stretch a bit feeling every joint in my back crack, I take a sip of cold Mickey D's coffee, hoping the caffeine with kick in. This last leg of I-40 is a long lonely road; it never fucking ends and I have already seen three dead deer on the side of the road. I need to keep my wits about me. I glance at the gas tank we shouldn't have to stop again.

I am taking her to Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina, a place I know as well as my own home. The place where my father would bring Tracy and me year after year, to lounge on the beach, tour battleships and civil war battle sights. It is a place where I have always felt safe, a place with no bad memories, a place that makes sense to me. Of course it is July so it is going to be hot as hell and full of tourists but if we lay low and the story doesn't make national news we should be ok.

I am kind of numb, actually that's fucking lie I feel rage and regret. I feel like breaking whatever I can get my hands on. I waited too long to literally pull the fucking trigger, Simon should have been dead months ago. He should be six feet under decomposing and burning in hell but no I was a fucking pussy and he is probably somewhere tropical soaking up the sun, plotting. If something happens to Amy… I will never forgive myself.

When we finally get off I-40 I can feel the adrenaline pump in my veins, we are almost there, five miles to safety. The roads are quiet and as I drive over the small bridge to the island, I breathe for the first time all day. I pull the car into the driveway and just take a moment, I need a moment. I breathe deeply and shake the feeling of want… the hunger that never, ever goes away. I can almost taste the bitter numbness dripping on to the back of my throat. Fuck, just fuck my life.

She looks so young a peaceful, I hate to wake her but my ass is numb and I need to stretch my legs. I hate to ruin the quiet of this moment because I know when she wakes up the reality will hit her like a ton of bricks. I hesitate for a moment, and can't help but think how lucky I was to find her. I lean over, and gently scratch the top of Amy's head I want to wake her as gently as possible.

"Baby… we are here…" She groans slightly and her eyes flutter open, a smile spread across her face because I am the first thing she sees.

"Hey you…" She stretches slightly and looks around into the darkness around us, her eyes full of question. "We're here?"

"Yeah… Come on let's get you in to a proper bed."

"What time is it?"

"Almost midnight… It's been a long day." She reaches over and pulls my hand her mouth and gently kisses my palm, I stretch my hand over her cheek and chin, my thumb stroking her face. She turns her head into my hand, and then taking me by surprise catches my thumb with her teeth, a smile spreads across her face.

"Amy…" I shake my head because I know what is going on in that beautiful mind of hers.

"Yes Will…" She is being coy and I'll admit my cock is hard now but I know whatever she wants will just be a distraction from the fucked-upness of the last week, and that is not what she needs. What she needs is a hot shower, a cool bed and my arms wrapped around her, not truck sex. Although truck sex does have it merit, especially after the last twenty for hours of non-stop stress and tension. I could stand feeling like a high school senior again.

"Front seat or back seat?" I can feel the cheesy grin form on my face. Amy quickly unhitches her seatbelt, and pushes my jacket/makeshift blanket on the floor. I lean forward pulling the lever under the eat and push it back as far back as it can go, as Amy climbs over the console on to my eagerly awaiting lap.

"I need you Will." Amy's voice in breathy, husky. Her chest is heaving as she pulls off her tee-shirt and my hands grasp at her luscious tits, through the thin cotton of her bra. Her nipples harden and stretch against the fabric and I pull both cups down exposing her nipples that I quickly warm with my mouth. I have never been a boob guy, asses were my usual fare but Amy's boobs just do it for me. She moans deeply as I suck and bite, her back arches and she grinds her core against my cock. I feel like I am going to fucking explode and I still have my pants on, I was feeling more like a high school freshman.

"Baby, we have got to get these off…" I pull on the button of her jeans, lowering the zipper. Logistically this is not going to work. She mutters something about wearing a skirt and then before I can think she opens the truck door and hops out of the car like a Chinese fire drill. I watch in awe as she tugs her jeans off leaving them on the gravel drive. Six months ago she never would have been able to do such a thing. I take a second and open the fly to my pants, tugging them down, releasing my cock from its holding cell and I can't help but stroke my hand over it. She jumps back in the truck in only her panties and assumed her previous position, straddling my lap and attacks my mouth. Her mouth is just, for lack of a better word perfect, her full lush lips, her sweet breath, her tongue flicking against mine.

"Baby…you are so fucking hot right now…I need to be inside of you…" I ignore the ache in my tired legs and my numb butt and yank a condom out of the pocket of my jeans. We have been too careless lately and that has to stop, timing is everything. I rip the foil packet open and Amy takes it from me, rolling over me and giving my cock a hard squeeze. I push her panties to the side, she knows I like to fuck her with them on, I have no idea why but I do. She rises up over me and then I guide myself inside of her as she lowers her ass back on my thighs. She lets out a whimper when I am fully inside of her and I grab her hips slowing guiding her. He mouth is barely on mine, our scattered breaths mixing together: Her breath is my breath and my breath is her breath.

She keeps whispering my name over and over, her hands on each side of my face keeping our eyes locked together. I run my hands up and down her arms her back her ass and I can feel the difference in her body. The muscles we have spent hours building flexing under my touch. She is stronger now then she has ever been and all I feel is pride.

She begins to clench around me, I can feel her start to pulse and she starts to increase her speed. I want to come so badly but I know if I wait and I come right at the moment she does… well it is perfect or as close to perfect as I have ever known. I know she is seconds away when she presses her forehead into my shoulder, I feel her explode around me and I let myself go. We are both loud, her name is the last thing I am able to say before I moan, gritting my teeth. Intense is not even the word for what my cock is feeling right now. We are both consumed and panting and I can still feel her quiver and twitch around me. My arms wrap around her waist holding her as close to my body as possible. She starts to giggle and sweet throaty giggle and I wish I could hold her like this forever.

"Baby…Wel-come to North Carolina…"


	91. Chapter 90 - Darkness

Hey everyone... So i have a few things... To my Japanese fan, you are right Chiyo is a female name, originally he was a she and i forgot to change the name... I anted something that meant life and light... any suggestions for a new name?

I have gotten some great reviews on the last chapters so all you you taking the time to review Thank you... as this story gets deeper and deeper i relay rely on you guys to push me with the writing...

This is a Simon Chapter... so i struggled wth it as usual... let me know if i went to far... not far enough...

XOXO PPP

* * *

When I was a child I put away childish things or something of the like. I never really was a "child" in the traditional sense of the word. My father was always pushing me, shaping me even when I was just a boy. There were no hobbies or recreation, no father son moments where all that mattered was the making of a memory. If I played football with my mates, then I had to be the best. I had to be the captain of the team, the fearless leader, I was eight.

If we were going fishing with my Uncle Grant and the cousins, well I had to catch the biggest one possible, out do them all. I was always being scrutinized, always being weighed and measured and always came up wanting in my father's eyes. So when I was a child I put away childish things, because they held no joy for me, only lofty unattainable expectations.

I focused myself on my studies, something I could do on my own without my father's watchful gloating eye. I wanted to be the best, the smartest and for a while I was. Until one day changed my life forever and I was never the same. I was fifteen, and I had never thrown so much as a punch. Bookish was the word most used to describe me, second only to pensive. I went to a private boarding school just outside the city, I loved that I didn't live under my father's roof during the school year and while I missed my mother and sister, being out of the family prison was a godsend.

My grandfather had died the week before. The British press descended like vultures picking at a dead carcass, eager for any shred of decaying flesh any hint of a story. Paxton Samuel Archer was a man I knew so little of, he was a dark ominous figure that danced in and out of our lives when a photo op was needed or an event was happening. I could count on one hand the conversations I had had with him. What I knew was that he was cold and powerful. He was a man build on rules and money and they both served him well, minions to the master.

It was late as I left the library. The Enid Archer Memorial Library, my grandmother whom I never met and who's untimely death was a cause of scandal, another skeleton in the Archer family closet. I was in my second year of advanced sessions and I always studied longer and harder than everyone else. I had Oxford in my crosshairs; I wanted to get in for my work not my name or my father's ghastly donations. I isolated myself from the pack partly because I disdained my fellow students immensely, foolish boys with idle minds and partly because I didn't want anything to distract me. My only frivolity was rowing single scull, just me alone skimming the surface of the water. The only thing I had to beat was my previous best; the other rowers didn't matter because no one could touch me out on the water.

It was bitter cold as I walked through the empty courtyard, pulling my black wool coat up over my ears. All I could think about was a hot cup of tea; it had been a long day, the first one back after the funeral. I was behind in my classes, and was badgered with questions from students and even worse the staff. I could smell the impending snow in the air, the embers of fire places, and the surprising hint of cigarette blowing in the wind.

I didn't hear them, I didn't seem, and worst of all I didn't feel them lurking, waiting for me. There was a long whistle, and then a quick shuffle of feet on uneven cobble stone, the scent of cigarettes was now prevalent and then I felt arms wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me backwards in to the darkness. Another set of hands punched me in my jaw, I had never been hit before and it felt like my head shattered as my mouth filled with blood. I was dizzy. I opened my mouth to call out but he punched me in my stomach I would have fallen over if not for the man holding me up from behind. I couldn't breathe, air just wouldn't enter my body and I started to panic overwhelmed with pain and fear. I felt a pinch in my neck and everything felt warm and hazy, the last thing I saw was the glint of the street light in his eye as he pulled a black hood over my head.

I woke up disoriented, my sight obstructed and bound too tightly; the fabric pressing in to my lids so hard it felt like my eyes would explode. I was on a mattress I shifted my feet a bit and I knew it was on the floor. It was brand new still wrapped in plastic, I could hear it crackling as I shifted my weight. I felt dizzy and out of sorts, my jaw was throbbing and my stomach quivered from pain or hunger. My hands were tied behind my back, and whatever was binding my wrists cut into my flesh with a vengeance. My shoulders ached from being pulled back so tight.

The fear began to creep in, I knew what was happening and I knew why. Money. Hours passed and nothing, no sounds or movement, I strained my ears to hear something and then I realized I was in a sound proof room. I laid there utterly powerless, my thoughts worse than my fears. After what seemed like an eternity I heard the door squeak open, the shuffle of heavy footsteps and the click of the camera. My nose was assaulted again by cigarettes but also the smell of cooking onions and meat. My mouth started to water, I was starving.

"The little prince is awake." His voice was taunting, and thick with an eastern European accent, maybe Russian. "Smile pretty for Daddy…" I heard the camera click a few more times and the door started to squeak closed.

"Wait!" I called out desperately "Water…Please some water." He laughed at me, and slammed the door. It was the moment I realized that I was going to die. They had no intention of keeping me alive and well, money or no money I was a dead man.

* * *

"Sir."

"Yes Frankie?" His voice was tentative and cloaked in fear. I clenched onto my cell phone resisting the urge to yell at him but my mind was screaming for him to get the bloody hell on with it. If he wasn't my only link to the outside world…

"Well, I wanted to let you know that I was questioned today as was Spence."

"That was to be expected. Your alibi's checked out no?" This was all planned with meticulous detail, from their alibis, to the empty private plane that flew out of Long Island to throw them off my scent. The death of my father and making it look like natural causes just long enough to secure my freedom. I knew my mother and Helene would be a problem and there were a few moments in the final hours when I thought all the planning was for naught, but then in the final hour it had all come together perfectly.

"Yes, Sir of course I just wanted to let you know that Spence, well he seemed off. I don't know if we can trust him." I had a feeling this would happen, Frankie was bound to me my blackmail, but Spence like the other men were only bound by money. This is why Frankie was the only one who knew my whereabouts.

"Well then you know what you need to do…"

"Consider it done."

"Anything on Amy?"

"No sir, as we suspected she went into hiding, Chiyo Honora made an appearance, you were right he has been keeping an eye on her."

"Of course he has, fucking bastard. You have no idea where she went?"

"No sir we don't, they were quick and careful."

"White I assume went with her." Just saying his name made my stomach lurch. I was still undecided about what to do with him. Should I end his life, or let him live without her the way I was forced to. Decisions, decisions.

"I can't confirm that but I would assume yes."

"Fine, keep me posted." I disconnected the call disgusted; Spence was such a fucking disappointment. After all I had done for him over the years; there was no loyalty, no trust. Amy would be saddened, she always liked him best. _Amy, where in the world are you…_

* * *

I walked around her apartment, she looked to beautiful tied to the bed. She was a perfect creature and she was mine. Of course she was being her usual stubborn self, not talking and not coming, seeing how far she could push before one of us would break. I inhaled deeply, I could smell her fear and it made me hard, so fucking hard. I never wanted anyone or anything so god dammed much. Every part of my being yearned for her, I needed her why couldn't she see that. How could she leave me knowing how much I relied on her? She was selfish, it was always about Amy and her needs, and what about what I need. God damn it, doesn't anyone care about me?

I picked up one of the several red beeswax candles that I let burn for hours, the flame flickering with each step. The vanilla scent was my favorite, sweet and floral. I watched as her eyes grew wide, she loved wax play; I remember fondly the first time I had poured clear warm wax on her body. The time spent massaging her body with almond oil, feeling her skin knead and soften under my hands. The wax pouring down on her, how it shimmered across her belly and her sweet moans begging me for more. How I raked my nails across her body the hardened wax pulling it away. Today would not be like that, today would be about pushing her, the way she has pushed me.

I didn't waste time preparing her skin with oil; the pain of removal would be part of the pleasure. I looked over her body, running my fingers over her belly, so smooth so perfect. I knew the wax would leave marks, I wanted it too. Next my fingers played with her breasts, I leaned down and kissed the top of each one, running my tongue over the salty razor marks across her chest. Her body tightened and I heard the bed creak as she pulled against the ropes. Which pound of flesh do I choose? Decisions, decisions. I put the candle on the night stand, and grabbed the ropes at the foot of the bed, wrapping them around her ankles. They were red, but the skin was not broken she could endure them a bit longer. I could hear the air escape through her teeth as I tightened them. Such a sweet sound.

I picked up the candle, running my fingers through the flame. The first drop of wax hit her skin from a height, it splatted at it made contact with the soft flesh of her upper thigh, causing small red dots to scatter. Her reaction was so small, it barely existed. I needed more. I rested the candle against her outer thigh, tipping it so the wax pooled and ran down her inner thigh. She let out a small moan, so I did it again and again until both of her legs were a red and white Jackson Pollock painting. She was panting, her breaths heavy as her chest heaved. I knew this would get her right where I wanted her. I began to peel away the wax, her skin hot and red beneath it. She winced; her eyes closed tightly absorbing all the pain and pleasure. The bed creaked as I pulled layer upon layer of wax away, leaving behind a shadow of where the wax had been. I wanted her to say it but she wouldn't.

"Fucking Christ Amy! Why do you have to be so stubborn?" I began the process again, pouring the wax on her already tender skin, hoping that she would put an end to all of this. Her body was shaking now, she was going in to shock I think. She looked at me, her eyes full of anger and defiance. She took a deep breath and then another, and then the fucking bitch nodded her head no, if not for the gag I think she would have smiled at me.

"Fine… have it your way." I untied her legs and flipped her over on the bed. "And I'll have it mine."


	92. Chapter 91 - White

Well a few things... To all you you that have been reading this story thank you! I am up to 200 followers and 700 reviews... and I cherish each and everyone. You have no idea.

This is a Will Chapter... I love writing Will just as much as I do CG in Better Days... Will mind is such a lovely place to be... I hope you guys like this chapter. I cried twice while writing it. Please follow and review... Pretty please with a juicy lemon on top!

XOXO PPP

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We have been here for a week just Amy and I and this little house on the water tucked away among the live oaks and evergreens, flocks of birds cackling on their branches. The air was thick and hot and you couldn't walk two feet before you were covered in sweat and gnats. There is this ever present hum of a million bugs of all shapes and sizes in the near distance, my father used to call it the heartbeat of Carolina. There were no other human sounds for miles; there were no voices or cars, not even the annoying sound of an air conditioner. The only exception was the loud roar of a boat motor passing every few hours, proving to me that time was moving and that Amy and I were still part of the world. There will never be enough time for Amy and I. A hundred years might be enough, but two would be better.

I had to convince her to buy a bathing suit and she only agreed three days in because she realized the inlet we are on is beyond private and we don't see any people as we lounge on the small strip of sand and reeds. It's nice to see her skin tan in the sun, her cheeks and nose burned red, the tops of her shoulders peeling. To swim and laugh with her in the warm Atlantic waters in the morning and again in the moonlight. How lucky a man was I, watching her fall into a peaceful sleep, the sweet smell of Amy mixing with the ocean and sand in her hair and to taste the salt on her skin, to hold her knowing she is safe there in my arms.

I wake up before the sun; sleep never really finds me anymore. Amy's curly head on my chest, her hair sprawled out in all directions. She looks peaceful and I am waiting to see if her nightmares come, if she says his name while her mind is at rest. This is when she is most susceptible to him, but her bad dreams have stopped since we have been here and I think because she is really out of his reach. He has no clue where she is, there isn't some goon hiding out in the bushes reporting back and she can finally rest.

We don't talk about home or what could be going on there. We made a promise on the ride down that we would think of this as a much needed vacation. Well she made me promise, and I couldn't deny her. So we avoid what Amy is calling the elephant in the room and we just pretend that we are any couple, on any beach in the world. Her plan is working because I can feel myself relax a bit. Amy says I need to relax while I can, because she knows once we go home I will be on alert 24/7, watching over her like a mama bear. She says I will be in full on "cop mode", which makes me laugh every time she says it. Cop mode.

I get a daily call from Dino who is back in the thick of it; I don't think I have ever known a more loyal friend, not only to me but to Amy too. I have always known that Dino was in love with her, not like I do but they share a bond that I will never understand. He is the reason she is alive and he is also the reason I know her. So for that I have chosen to ignore the way he looks at her with a distant longing in his eyes, and I think Grace does too. It's just easier then actually dealing with it because if we did the friendship that Dino and I share would cease to exist. It's just another elephant in the room, crowding up the place.

The FBI was pissed that she was gone before they got to her, we may have over reacted cutting them out but we couldn't wait either. They have been giving Dino a rash of shit, they don't believe for one second that he is clueless to our whereabouts. So far nothing has happened and while that is a relief it is also the worst case scenario. Archer is planning and plotting and waiting. He knows with time comes relaxation and that when we think the threat is gone is the precise moment it is the most vicious. So I won't ever relax until he is back where he belongs and this time he will go to jail, killing two officers and the driver is a one way ticket to life. Do not pass go do not collect two hundred dollars. We just need to find him.

They questioned Spence and Frankie, but because Dino is in homicide and he wouldn't spill the beans about our location they are cutting him out of any good intel. Chiyo is on it but he has hit a dead end. It is like this fucker just vanished into the air or something, like a ghost.  
I have to admit being here away from it all is nice but it is also making me crazy, I feel idle and useless. I should be out there tracking him while the scent is fresh. No one has more to lose then I do if he is left out in the open. It's strange hating someone, making him your enemy when you haven't even met. I imagine us like to generals on the battle field, never meeting but wanting to destroy the other. I read The Art of War as a teenager and the words have never rung more true in my head. "To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy." I have spent hour after hour trying to get into Archers head. I have committed his face and voice to memory, with the help of the internet. I have read everything about him I possibly could, any scrap of information burned into my brain. I have grilled Dino time and time again, absorbing all his thoughts about Archer as if they were my own. I keep reminding myself that Amy needs me and that my main goal and purpose in this life is to keep her safe and happy. So I focus my mind on that.  
She nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck and I know she is seconds away from waking up. This is my favorite part of the day because my girl loves herself some morning sex, a fact that I was grateful for. She moans a bit and stretches her body against me, her cool bare skin against mine. My arm is numb and tingling because he has been on it for hours but it is always worth it.  
"Morning baby"  
"Morning Bear." Amy has been calling me Bear all week, it started out as Mama Bear but I nipped that shit right in the bud. Bear works though and I like the way it sounds coming out of her mouth.

"How did you sleep?" I really didn't and I know she knows this but I smile and tell a white lie.

"Great baby you?"  
She ignores the lie and smiles back, saying nothing but she slides her hand down the length of my bare chest teasing me with the tips of her small delicate fingers. I am hard already have been for a while and she knows it. She mutters something about how I need to relax and then her head disappears under the thin pale blue sheet and my body tenses with anticipation.

Now I have gotten many a BJ in my day so I have a good base line for comparison and Amy hands down, bar none gives the best head I have ever known. We talked about this once when I offered up the esteemed complement. And after much though and consideration she decided it was because we were in love because she never enjoyed it until me. Not even with him.  
Amy knows just where to touch me, how I love it when she trails the tip of her tongue along the underside of my cock over and over to start off. She knows how I love to knot my hands in her hair, feeling the soft threads weave through my fingers. There is always this moment before she wraps her mouth around me, taking as much in as she can when she looks up at me and smiles just this small mischievous smile. It is so fucking sexy I have to use every ounce of control not to come right there and then. I pull the sheet away because I don't want to miss that moment and I love to watch her fuck me with her mouth. I love when her cheeks hollow as she sucks me off, I love the staggered moans that escape between her lips and my cock because I having me like this is making her wet. I love how she denies me her mouth when she knows I am about to come, halting it and strokes me with her hands one and then the other back and forth. I love when she knows I need her mouth again but this time she sucks just the tip and still pumps her hand on the base and shaft. It's fucking intense. And then just when I am about to come she slides her finger in my ass and the first time she did it I was like whoa hold on there, exit only but I came around quickly. Because when she has me like this, I explode in the mouth it is with every part of my body.

It's fucking crazy how much I love her. I never even thought such a thing was possible. But now I know that my last dying breath will bear her name. That the last image I will see in my head with be her face. I know one day when we are nothing more than ashes and memories she and I will be looking down on this world together because she is my soul mate. It's cheesy and simple and stupid, I was never this guy but now I am. I am fucking fine with that.

It takes me a minute or five to get my head back on straight as she slides back up towards me and tucks back in to my arm.  
"So that happened." I manage to utter, she chuckles and her cheeks flush. "Shower?"

* * *

We came to Wrightsville the first summer after my mom left. She had been gone for like six months or so and Tracy and I were not really dealing with it very well. Dad took two weeks off from work, rented a house and a boat and we spent every day on the water fishing, talking, reading. It was the first best summer I ever had. We always talked about coming with Kira but dad was never really well enough by the time she was born. Dad used to always joke that if he didn't have a bad heart he would live forever. Forever would have been fine with me.

My father was a hard man. He lived life hard pounding the pavement and wearing though his shoes. Literally wearing through his shoes. He drank and smoked a pack a day. He loved his job and his family and when the time came to choose he picked us. That what always stuck with me. That he did the hard thing for the right reasons. He could have very easily stuck us with an aunt or a babysitter and waited until we were old enough to take care of ourselves. That would have served his interests and no one would have blamed him, not even Tracy and me.  
I was sixteen when I told my dad I wanted to be a cop, I had said it as a child a million times how I wanted to be a cop just like my dad. But when I was sixteen I really meant it. It was a calling not a choice and he beamed with pride. For that day forward everything I did was about becoming a cop. Dad would take me to the shooting range; I started reading books about criminal justice and profiling. It became an obsession and the day I got into John Jay was one of the best of my life. It was up there with graduating the academy, Kira being born, meeting Amy and today.

The day that Amy and I got married.

* * *

The first night after we got to North Carolina, after amazing truck sex and mind blowing shower sex Amy and I were lying in a strange but comforting bed. It was a two bedroom cottage, the front porch was in dire need of a coat of paint, there windows were single paned and the place had fans not air conditioning. The stove was sixty years old at least. Everything else was old and worn, sofas covered in white oversized slipcovers, odds and ends of tables and chairs painted different shades of white. An old bookshelf, lined with musty smelly paperbacks from the seventy's. The bed the one new thing in the place and thank Christ it was a Queen.

"I like it here. It's perfect. Thank you Will." Her voice is small and contented and I can't help but smile at the sound. The place was far from perfect but it was the best place in the world to be, no TV, barely any cell service. I wish I could convince her to stay here forever, because here she was safe.  
"You don't have to thank me. Can I ask you somethin?" I tuck my nose in her hair and inhale deeply, hoping I would remember the smell of her hair in this moment forever.

"You can ask me anything…"

"You said something to Chiyo… Kishi something…"

"Kishi Kaisei." God it was hot when she was talking in another language, why didn't I use this skill of hers to our advantage before?

"Yeah, Kishi Kaisei." She chuckles at my botched pronunciation "What does it mean…"

"Well, he asked me if you were a good man, a man that would keep my heart safe and well. He always saw Simon for what he really was and he tried to warn me off a few weeks before…Anyway it means… like to wake from death and return to life… or uh…. to come out of a desperate situation and make a complete return in one sudden burst. That's what you did for me… I was dead, and now I live." I mulled her words in my head. I had died once and an electrical current literally brought me back to life in one sudden burst.

"I like that… I want to add that to my tattoos, do you know the characters?"

"Yeah of course I do… and I want get the tattoo too. We can get them together." I was hoping she would say that but then I remembered the thing we keep forgetting.

"Baby, someone would have to touch you to do that…" As I say the words I see that she has forgotten too. We have come so far, so many people can touch her now but never a stranger. She thinks for a moment and I know she is visualizing herself getting a tattoo. What the guy will look like, what the tattoo parlor will smell like, the buzz of the machine, the pain. It is all flashing in her brain.

"I know…But you'll be there… I want to do this with you…"

"My brave girl…" I wrap my hand around hers; building up the courage to say what I have wanted to say for days, not knowing if she wants the same thing.

"You know what else I want to do with you… I want to get married… I don't want to wait." Before the word have fully left my mouth she is saying yes over and over.

"I don't want to wait either Will, I was thinking the same thing… we don't know what is going too hap…" I cover her lips with my fingers, and softly hush her. There is no room for that kind of thinking, not here and not today.

"No, I don't want to hear that… that's not the reason and you know it I just want you to be my wife."

"And I want you to be my husband." I pull her face to mine, my fingers gripping her chin and for a few beats I just look at her. And in the moment I see the life we are going to live, the children we are going to have and I know that she is going to live a long and happy life. She presses her lips to mine, wrapping her arm around my hip, grabbing my ass. Her kiss somehow manages to relax me and excite me all at the same time. I can feel my heart race in my chest each time her full lips touch mine. The taste of her mouth as her tongue tickles mine. This kiss I leave for to her to control, the give and take is what makes us work so well. She sucks my bottom lip and I growl, it gets me every time. She starts to giggle as she pulls her mouth away.

"See… a bear…" I growl again and flip her on to her back pulling off her tee shirt in one swift motion. I even impressed myself with that one.

"So tattoos and marriage license are on the agenda today." She says as I plant kisses between the hollow of her breasts.

"Sex, breakfast, marriage license, lunch, shots, tattoos, dinner, sex, sleep. That is the agenda of the day!"  
起死回生


	93. Chapter 92 - numb

So i am sorry for the lack of posting... I have has the single worst case of writers block I have ever had, Ever. So i just want to give a shout out to Smile Rose, Lala, Brianna, maddy... who kept posting on my facebook that thy missed my updates... And you all of you reading and reviewing thankyou...

* * *

I feel numb, totally numb. I think my mind has officially reached it limit, I can feel the seams starting to pull and stretch and I am not sure if I can keep it all in. I just want to scream loud and hard. Everything feels like a dream, saying goodbye to Chiyo, hugging Dino and seeing the worry in his eyes. Following Will down the metal staircase on to the loading dock, watching him toss our bags in the back of an SUV that is not ours. Pulling out on to the street, Chiyo's men and Dino following us to make sure we are not being followed. It feels surreal and horrible. Will is not speaking; he is in full on balls to the wall cop mode. I can see the bulge of the gun pressing through the fabric of his shirt and just knowing another gun is loaded and hidden in my bag makes my heart race and my throat constrict. I know that the possibility exists that I will have to use it to protect myself and that means only one thing. That Simon and I are together once again, just like he promised. I struggle to push the idea out of my head, I can't cry not now. Will needs to focus and I can't be the reason he doesn't. We have a long way to go. I don't ask where he is taking me; I don't need to know really. It does not matter, if Will thinks we will be safe there then we will be. We don't speak until we are off the Verrazano Bridge and I can visibly see his shoulders relax as he turns on the radio.

"Will…" His eyes break away from the road ahead and he looks at me for the first time in over an hour. I need to see his eyes and know that we are still ok. I feel this distance between us and it is scaring me more than Simon's freedom. When I finally see him warm brown eyes I know instantly that everything is going to be ok.

"Yeah baby?" He reaches over and placed his hand over mine, that have been clenched in my lap for an hour. He pries my fingers apart and weaves his fingers with mine and

I whisper one word… Everest…He chuckles and I can't believe he even heard me.

"That it is baby…that it is. This part of the ride is a bitch, so why don't you get some rest and we can stop for some food once we get on I95." I am not really tired, but I know that it will be easier for him if he thinks I am asleep. I nod my head, and bring his hand to my lips kissing his knuckle gently before releasing him. His hand returns to the wheel as does his focus and the wall is up once again. I close my eyes and somehow manage to drift off to the words of song I have never heard before echoing in my head.

._..If you have a problem I'll be here for you…Cause, girl, you always know_

_That it's us against the world…_

My light sleep is broken when I feel the truck come to a halt and I hear the click of Will seat belt and then I feel his lips brush against mine. My eyes open and meet his and I wrap my arms around his neck. I need him like, right now.

"Whoa baby… we are not like alone." He nods his head toward the windshield and I realize that we are in a rest stop parking lot. There are people everywhere, a group of teenagers peeking in our window laughing and smiling. I get my bearings and realize that we are at a rest stop; I look at him with question in my eyes.

"Virginia." He stretches and I can hear his back crack like the Fourth of July. " I was gonna stop but I think we should just get a quick bite and keep going, it's just a few more hours now." I can see the exhaustion in his eyes but the worry is there too and I know he won't rest until we are in what he considers a safe place.

"I gotta pee to…" He chuckles and nods in agreement. We get out of the car in unison and I am shocked by the humidity in the darkness. He walks around the truck and takes my hand, his eyes darting around looking at everyone. I can't imagine that we have been followed but I guess it is always a possibility. He leads me though the crowd, our fingers linked and is hand at the small of my back. He has created a wall of Will around me and I can feel his panic when I walk into the ladies room alone. For the first time in two days I look at myself in the mirror as I wash my hands. I am a sight and for the first time I feel old, really old and tired. I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep for a hundred years. I hear the shuffles of faceless strangers around me, hand dryer blowing harshly, the flush of toilet after toilet. I grasp the edge of the sink, staring at myself in the mirror. I am not worth all this worry and trouble. I am nothing. People are risking their lives, their futures for me. Right now Dino could be dead and I wouldn't know it. My parent, Laurel, Jeff and now Will's family pulled into my mess.

I splash some cold water on my face and attempt to fix my hair. It is futile but I make the effort anyway. I realize that I am taking too long and Will must be losing his mind, so I try my hands quickly and put a smile on my face.

"You ok?" He looks down at me, resting his warm hands on my shoulders. I needed his touch more then I should.

"Yeah, starving…"

"McDonalds?" I know he must be freaking out because Will is mister brown rice and healthy food, he never lets me eat fast food.

"Perfect." He filings his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head as we wander into the crowd just like any other couple and for a few moments we are.

* * *

I am naked in our bed, the sun light streaming in our room and Will is kissing my belly over and over his hand between my legs taunting me. His hair is longer and I am pulling at it as he whispers sweet words to my rounded belly. I am begging him to fuck me, that I need him inside of me. He laughs and smiles, telling me I must be patient. His fingers slide into me and then his mouth is sucking my very wet pussy and I am melting and panting and saying his name over and over.

"Baby… we are here…" I groan as I open my eyes.I wake up in the darkness and I need him, I fucking need Will. There is this tension brewing inside of me that needs to be unleashed and released and I only know one thing that will get me there. Will.

"Hey you…We're here?" I look around but there really sint much to see and to be honest right now I don't really care. The only thing I can think about is this throbbing between my legs.

"Yeah… Come on let's get you in to a proper bed."

"What time is it?" God, sometimes it hurts too look at him. I feel this pang in my chest, when he is this upset, this worried. All because of me.

"Almost midnight… It's been a long day." I take his hand because I need to touch him, to feel him and I bite his finger because I know that will send a very clear message of my intentions.

"Amy…" His voice echoes through me ending right at my core and I shift in my seat, trying to ease the want I am feeling.

"Yes Will…" I know he is tired, I am tired too and I have slept for most of this trip but I am hoping that he won't make me beg.

"Front seat or back seat?" That is really all I need to hear as I lunge at him. I really don't know what has come over me, I just know that I need this right here right now.

"I need you Will." I yank my shirt up over my head and nearly take my ear off with it, so not graceful. He takes my sore aching breast in his hand and I swear to Christ I come right there and the. By the time his mouth finds my nipple I am shaking. It teeth graze me and then bite down and I feel his cick growing underneath me.

"Baby, we have got to get these off. Fuck yeah I do. Why don't I wear more fucking skirts? I mean this would be so much easier… I am not really thinking clearly because I jump out of the truck and nearly fall into the gravel as I pull off my pants. I think about taking off panties too but I know my guy likes to fuck me with them on and it is so fucking hot when he does. I jump back on top of him and he is slipping a condom out of his pocket. Thank god one of us is thinking because my dream can not become a reality, at least not yet.

"Baby…you are so fucking hot right now…I need to be inside of you…" His words are the last things that make sense because I grab the condom from him and slide it over his thick well veined penis. His fingers pull at the fabric of my panties and without another thought I slam my body down over him, the hair on his thighs tickling my ass. I make a noise that does not even sound human, his hands are at my hips and we start to move together. I am full and happy and safe as we grind together, faster and harder. The feeling builds inside of me and I want it to last forever. I try and lean back and relax but my body rejects what my mind wants. I feel Will's hands on my body, his cock deep inside of me, I am aware of the night that surrounds us but the rest of the world falls away. I press my forehead to his shoulder, because I feel dizzy and I think I might pass out. I come loud and hard, the tension from the last two days starts to pour out of my body. I can feel him pulse and explode and I can finally relax against him as his arms wrap around me. I can't stop the laughter that passes my lips, the pure joy I feel cannot be contained. I need Will, he is all that matters.

"Baby…Wel-come to North Carolina…"


	94. Chapter 93 - darkness

I poste dthe previous chapter in error and had to go and delete it. I have updated the correct one so please go back and read that before this one... Also one more is coming tonight... so enjoy and please review...

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"What do you mean they are married!?" I can't have heard him correctly, Frankie must be wrong this can't be true. I am going to fucking kill William White; I am going to make him beg for his life. Slow and Painful… That stupid fucker thinking he can take her from me.

_No No NO! Amy is not married. Amy is Mine... just mine No...no... She can't marry him, no. I refuse to believe this, she wouldn't... she couldn't... not when I am so close. No enough, enough waiting._

"Sir, I am sorry but yes they were married in North Carolina, she just filed the papers to legally change her name."

"North Carolina?" When the fuck did she go to North Carolina… We have been watching her for months, from a good distance but still.

"Yes, that is where they hid out when you first escaped, they must have got married during their time there." I wanted to vomit, I could feel the bile in my throat. She changed her name… Amelia White… Amelia White… Amelia White… It kept playing over and of in my mind, louder and louder until I couldn't take it.

"Sir are you still there?" I took a deep breath, I need to keep calm, Frankie can't see the cracks. He will think I am weak, weakness will not keep his respect.

"Yes…What else..." Thanks right, keep your tone clipped and impatient.

"Her security has not diminished, in fact they have added to it. It will be harder than we thought to get to her. I mean some of these guys are ex-seals. She is spending your father's money very well." My father once again fucking up my life, he had supreme power over me even from the grave. He left her millions in his will and the libraries. My libraries.

"We need to push up this time table... and our approach..."

"I agree Sir, the more time that passes the more careful they get... not less..."

* * *

My father cast me out over a woman, a stupid inconsequential woman who I took things a bit too far with, Mallory Ellis, a waitress if memory serves. She wanted to go to the papers and the police, she wanted money. Millions because I "hurt" her. She knew what I was when she met me; she knew what I was capable of. She knew what I needed and she bloody loved it even when she said that she didn't. It was only when she caught wind of my assets that the tides turned. In the end she got her money, my father got his NDA and I got sent back to London. Out of sight out of mind. If it wasn't for a chance meeting with Honora in a restaurant I would have never got back into the fold, and I never would have met my Amy.

The moment she stepped into the elevator I knew, I felt it like a surge of wind in a storm. Women were easy, they were all the fucking same. They wanted the same things, the illusion of love, the illusion of dange, safety and the illusion of consideration. Illusions I could do, but Amy wanted something real, something tangible and I wanted to give it to her. I wanted her that much.

I swear I could hear her heartbeat and the blood pumping through her veins and she stood there with this bemused expression on her face. And then she opened her mouth to speak and I lost my fucking mind. I had to control every urge to push her up against the wall and kiss her. Her voice, her giggle, her smell, her eyes it was like a landslide that I was helpless against and I knew right there and then she was mine. It could have been so simple, so easy but there were complications. So many complications… My father's would not like me fucking an intern, not that I cared what he thought bit I just got back and I didn't want to be cast off again. I wanted to prove to him and to everyone that I was just as good, as strong and as powerful as he was. Lilith Travis. The woman I had been fucking on and off for years. An old family friend who's family was cut from the same cloth as mine. Lilith was just as fucked up as I was. Our fathers both to blame, hers fucked her literally mine only figuratively. She had the same tastes as I did in fact she was my introduction to all things sexual, with a woman anyway.

All I could think about with Miss Amy Knightly. Her ill tailored suit that couldn't damper the want I felt for her body. Drab sensible shoes when she should have been in heels showing off her slender feet. Her sea green eyes that looked at me so deeply, I felt exposed and uncovered. Like she saw me and still I could see that she wanted me, her hitched breath, the flush of her high full cheeks. The way her body tensed as she walked passed me, out of the elevator, her knees shaking just a bit. I am not even sure how I got through the rest of the day. My clock twitching just at the thought of her, I had fucking in my mind a hundred times before lunch.

"Lil. It's me."

"What Simon? I am busy." Always so bitchy on the phone, so eager to tempt me from a distance but so eager to please me in person.

"What do you think?" This was all part of our little game, the push and pull. I really didn't want to see her tonight, but I needed to fuck. I needed a release from the thoughts of Amy in my head.

"I have PR thing tonight I can see you after."

"Time?"

"I guess eleven."

"I will meet you at your apartment do not keep me waiting"

"Do I ever?"


	95. Chapter 94 - foreplay

It's cold; my teeth are chattering my body ignoring the synapses in my brain telling me to run. Fight or flee not factoring in at all. Run where? There is nothing around me, only the moon hanging high above my head and the sound of the wind as it blows around my body. I wrap my arms around my shoulders, running my hands over the bare gooseflesh, trying to warm myself in vain. I can feel him before I hear him, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and it has nothing to do with the cold. It is Simon, it has always been Simon. He appears in front of me and he looks different. Thinner and older, his black hair is smattered with grey and lines appear in the corners of his bright blue eyes. For a moment I am mesmerized by him, being in his presence. He reaches out to touch me and I recoil backwards, my brain played no part in this moment, I am not even sure how I did it. Reflex maybe. Hurt registers in his eyes, he has thought of nothing but this moment, I know that much is true and it is not going how he saw it in his head. His voice starts taunting me, saying my name over and over. Telling me that he has me and he is never going to let me go. Simon is telling me over and over again that he loves me, that he still wants me. I stand there paralyzed with fear, my heart pounding in my chest. He is telling me to speak, yelling at me to say his name, but I can't. I won't and then I feel the first strike of pain across my cheek. My head flies back, and I stumble. The pain radiates out from my cheekbone, from my ear all the way to the back of my head. It is a familiar feeling and I know this I this is only the beginning.

I can feel his hot breath on my face, the faint smell of scotch on his breath. His hands are at my shoulders shaking me and I can feel it as I start to slip away... My stomach starts to tighten, my throat constricts and I begin to gasp for air, the darkness is consuming me.

"Amy... Look at me Amy...Breathe and focus." I hear the loud clap of his hands and it pulls my focus just for a split second and Dalton's voice seeps into my consciousness. My eyes dart around the small familiar room and then finally focusing on him. It is only then I am able to take a breath, to allow my lungs to expand and take in air.

It's not working, for three months we have tried to figure out how best to prepare me for the inevitable and nothing has worked. The thought of Simon's voice or touch send me reeling backwards into the abyss, a weight too great to endure. I can feel it pushing me into the ground. I twist my wedding bands over and over, and use the image of Will's face as my touch stone: his warm chocolate eyes, how his close cut hair tickles the palm of my hand or the soft flesh of my inner thighs, his square jaw, his full warm and crooked smile.

Will has a hundred smiles, like a snowflake each one is unique and they each have a different meaning. His happy contented smile fills his entire face, his eyes burn bright and clear, it's a rare smile that I have only basked in a handful of times but like a diamond its rarity make it all the more precious. There is his mischievous smile; it's more of a smirk really. Will's patented let's get naked face. He is usually leaning against something with his arms crossed against his chest with his lips pursed just so. One look and I know what he is thinking. The mischievous smile is usually followed by his satisfaction smile, my personal favorite, because only I get to see this one. It is so subtle, so personal the moment right before Will comes he looks at me with this particular smile on his face, a ghost of a smile really. It is in this moment I feel the most connected to him, the most loved, and the most cherished. This is the only moment where nothing else matters, and a million of these moments would never be enough.

"Damn it Tommy...I just can't fuck do it." I dramatically grab my forehead with both hands; my head has been pounding for days.

"Just relax Amy. Just take a moment. We will figure this out." He sits back in his chair, ripping of his glasses, rubbing his eyes and I know he is just as frustrated as I am. A while back he stopped being just my therapist and started being my friend, a blessing for me and a curse for him. The last months have been a fucking nightmare; no one has relaxed for even a minute.

"It's been almost six years, what is going to change... nothing... This is what it is..."

"I refuse to believe that, if that was the case and we would have given up there is no way you would be where you are today. We need to do something different. I have reached out to a few colleagues; We will figure this out Amy. Look time is up for today, I will see you on Monday and I hope by then I will have a new game plan."

I nod, knowing that nothing will be different on Monday but I smile as I stand and give him a quick hug. Santana is waiting for me, standing there stoically in the small waiting room which only makes him look large then he really is. He reminds me of a prize fighter with his shaved head, his dark olive skin stretched over his ridiculously developed muscles. I couldn't imagine how he even found clothing to fit, his waist so small compared to the rest of him. Oddly he was one of the sweetest men I had ever met, talked about his brother who was a police officer in Mexico, his niece's quinterna, he even told me about how he got into the private security business. I guess that what happens when you spend eight percent of your day with someone, you get to know each other. Will has insisted that I have security round the clock, and we have kept the security for our families as well. It is the best money I have ever spent. I have yet to see Santana, (Paulo is his first name, not that anyone ever uses it) in action, but Will says it's a sight to behold. He compared him to King Kong in a bad mood, a very very bad mood. I can't imagine Santana like that, but I can't really imagine Will like that either. And I hope and pray I never have to find out.

"Ready to go Amy?"

"Yeah, Will's class lets out in a half hour and I think we are going to get some lunch." He opens the door for me and I walk through it feeling tiny beside him.

"Yes, he called me earlier." Everything I do now is accounted for, every move I make has to cleared and organized. Even just to go to the market is a feat. Simon is free and I am in prison, the irony has not been lost on me. Simon still remains a mystery to us all. All the leads have gone cold. Rumors that he is in the Cayman Islands, China or Brazil, the news networks had a field day once again with the what-ifs and possibilities. Everyone wants to believe he is thousands of miles away but I know better, he is closer than that. So much closer. He would risk leaving the country without me, in the off chance he couldn't get back. He is lying in wait like a lion waiting to pounce; only I refuse to be the stunned gazelle.

There was a moment when we were close, Spence was cracking. The FBI thought he would give Simon up, or at least fess up to the part he and Frankie played in the escape plan but his car exploded in the parking lot of his apartment building before that could ever happen. So here we are stuck in the limbo of waiting and worrying. I know this is exactly what Simon wants, this is his game and we are all forced to play by his rules. I know for a fact that he loves the anticipation and the preamble more than anything else. Foreplay.


	96. Chapter 96 - DARKNESS

Song Inspiration: Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer

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A/N:

When I first started writing this in Dec 2012, I was nervous to post it up here. I took a few weeks to think about it until finally I got the balls to go ahead and do it. I remember the joy and elation I felt when i had my very first follower none other then our Lala Loopsie, a stranger somewhere out there liked my story enough to follow it and I was in heaven. Now Lala is not only my friend but my beta and the reason these chapters have been polished up to a nice luster.

Along the way there have been many readers who have encouraged me to keep going with this story, SmileRose promoted it in her own work,Missreadingfool, BauerJuliette ,meggan-sa ,NickJisoffmychain2828 ,glory2bee, Shebby87,Crystal9034 ,Angela76 ,Maddy-Rose ,Gobears1 ,Jules Holloway,aarica1 ,BannersAndMash ,overthebrink ,Tangosalsa ,Lulu Price,lulu-ny, HudsH2n, Cole, wattle, Winterstorm, kykio88, and AniSurnois

If you are reading and not following please click that little box, the more followers and review, the bigger draw for new readers... To all my guest reviewers, you have all be very supportive and kind to this story so thanks for that!

If you have reviewed chapters in the past FF won't let you do it again. But I would love to hear your feedback so please PM your thoughts about the updates/changes.

I will be re-posting chapter 1 & 2, today. Every time I post a new D&W chapter I will re-post a few of the improved old ones.

This has been the best experience joining the community for talent.

Thank you once again... XOXO PPP

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Chapter 95: Darkness

I stood at her door that first night with every intention of taking her to my friend's party as planned. I wanted everyone see to see what I saw: the unabashed wonder that was Amelia Knightly. In the week since we met, Amy had enchanted me with her voice, her smile, her laugh. The golden streaks in her hair that only appeared in the warm afternoon sun, the kind gentle soul that shone out of her beautiful ocean eyes. The careful ease with which she carried herself, always aware of her surroundings but not afraid of them. How she worked with the clients, speaking their language with such effortlessness, making them happy and comfortable. How she seamlessly fit into the new role I had given her, quietly commanding respect through hard work and dedication. I was really in awe of her; she was everything I wasn't.

I hated her apartment building. The entry way was unsafe, the hallways smelled like pot and urine and the area that surrounded her was a mess of wayward non-English speakers and drunken dregs. I knew the area was dodgy but this was unacceptable. Someone like Amy could be so easily led astray and hurt, just like a delicate flower growing in the weeds. So when she opened her door looking how she looked in such a stark contrast to her dilapidated surroundings, all my best laid plans went out the window.

The dress was hugging her curves and dipping low, exposing a wealth of cleavage. All I wanted to do, all I could think about, was pressing my lips to the hollow of her long delicate throat. My eyes traveled along the length of her body, gazing at her toned thighs, a hint of them peeking out from her dress; I imagined spreading them forcefully and biting the creamy skin there. Her calves were a thing of true beauty; I could tell that she was a runner. They were sculpted and sinewy, and I could vividly imagine them locked around my hips as I rocked into her over and over. And as if all that hadn't been enough to make me want to throw on down on the floor and fuck her senseless, I caught a glimpse of the shoes. Oh my fucking Christ, the shoes: black high heels, studded with silver like a collar that I had hanging in my closet. I imagined how she would look wearing it, and I would later come to find out that she looked sexy as hell in my studded collar.

She was not at all what I had been expecting based on the frumpy suits and sensible shoes she had been wearing in the office. She blushed under my gaze, trying to maintain her composure but I could smell her fear and excitement like blood in the water and I knew I would be taking her home to fuck her.

I wanted to be gentle and patent; I wanted to be slow and kind. I wanted to be so many things that I am not for her. But like everything thing else, I failed and I fucked her over and over. I owned and controlled her, and it was so easy. She wanted me to have her and being the selfish man that I am, I took all from her that I could. I wanted to take her goodness and light, both of which poured out of her body like honey, slow and sweet. I wanted all that I could get so she could make me a better man, a stronger man, someone worthy of all she had to give.

I woke up the next morning, after a night of dreamless sleep with Amy's head tucked into the crook of my arm. Her soft hair was fanned out, tickling me, and she looked so young and sweet and innocent. I hated myself for what I had done to her and for all I had yet to do. I was going to make her what I needed, bend and shape her, love her the only way I knew how. She would be my salvation and my demise all wrapped into one perfect package. Amy was my muse, my siren's call, all that was good and noble and pure.

Her naked body was pressed to mine with her back to my front, my knob pressing into her backside. It was this kind of moment that I usually avoided with extreme diligence: waking up with a woman in my bed. Habitually, I was done about thirty seconds after I came; it was for a rare woman to keep my attention longer than that and nothing short of a fucking miracle for one to wake up beside me. Not even Lilith had lasted until morning. I tightened my arms around her, my face tucked into her neck, peppering it with small kisses. She snuggled her body against mine and sighed.

"Morning, love." I nipped at her shoulder with my teeth and I could feel the chill run through her body. She responded to the pain and the pleasure, giving me hope. If knew if I played her just right, I could have it all.

"Morning, Simon…" She lifted her arm reaching back and started to gently rub the back of my neck, her nails scratching in my hair. I guided my hand over her breasts; she moaned as I gently pinched her already hard nipple. I slowly ran my fingers down her body, dipping them into her belly button and then finally easing them inside her. She was wet, but she gasped and pulled away when I slipped my fingers in deep. I had been rough, hard and I had fucked her twice. The second time was from behind, more brutal than the first, but she loved it, screaming out my name and telling me not to stop. She didn't know it yet but she was built for fucking, built for the pleasure and pain that only I could provide her.

"Simon, I can't. I hurt…a lot." Her voice was flecked with caution but also contentment. She pulled my hand out of her by the wrist, leaving my wet fingers to turn cold, and she wrapped my arm around her body. I gave in and didn't fight it, relaxing against her.

"Love, I'm sorry, you just make me so fucking crazy…"

"I am not complaining, it just not happening again today…maybe not even tomorrow." I kissed her shoulder gently, and ran my tongue down the length of her arm, using what I know has worked before. I slid my body down just a bit and pulled the sheet away from us. I gently started to kiss her hip and then her fine ass.

"I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he, who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses." Her brow furrowed, and she looked slightly disgusted until she finally chuckled.

"Nietzsche is not going to get you laid buddy." Smart girl; of course she knew the quote. I had used it a hundred times before and she was the first to recognize it.

"Now, now…what makes you think I am trying to get laid? Maybe I am just trying to make you come." I flattened her against the bed, spreading her legs gently; I didn't want to scare her, at least not yet. She gasped as I slid my body down between her legs, my head resting against the soft fluff of her pubic hair.

"Simon, I am not joking." Amy's tone changed, as she grabbed at my shoulders and pushed me off of her. She pulled the sheet back around her separating our bodies, turning her back to me. Her stubborn streak would be a problem, but nothing I couldn't manage. Like a fine horse she just needed to be ridden and broken. I could feel my cock growing at her outright denial. And the challenge began: I would have her again.

* * *

I wake up alone, again. This hole has been growing for six years and every morning I wake up and for a few moments I can feel her in bed beside me. I have thought long and hard about everything I have done. The pain I have caused the only person who ever truly loved me. I look back to those four days and it feels unreal somehow. The beast that lives in my body took me over and I was merely a bystander, paralyzed with fear, frozen, watching from the sidelines. I am a weak man, a sad man, a selfish man. I am not worth the air that I breathe, the ground on which I walk. I am nothing. A good man would leave her alone. A strong man would let her be happy with her new life and husband. I am the worst of the worst, because I would rather her be miserable with me then happy with him. I would rather see her buried in the ground, then live another day with his hands on her. She. Is. Mine. Only mine.

I think about our baby a lot now…that day I found the test hidden in a drawer. I spent minutes just staring at it, trying to process what I was seeing, before it hit me what was really going on. That stick was the reason she left me. I had made it clear that children were never part of my plan. I could never love a part of myself, my own image, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. The idea revolted me. But for a brief second, the notion that it would be part of me combined with a part of Amy made the idea tolerable. For generations to come, the love I felt for her would live on forever and ever, in the eyes and faces of our children's children.

But the beast wouldn't allow me more than a moment before he raged through my body taking over my mind.

_…She will love the baby more then you… It is the reason she left you… It will destroy you… Hate you the way you hate your father…_

Everything goes away, I and feel the beast rear up and take me, for how long I am not sure, a minute and hour. All I know is that I am standing over Amy's limp body, my nostrils filling with the scent of burning flesh and a curling iron clutched in my hands. I run to the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet in time before I purge my stomach of every milliliter of scotch and bile. Panting and exhausted, I fill the sink with ice cold water and submerge my face opening my mouth and let out a long scream. I feel like my soul has returned to my body with this primal call and maybe I have scared the beast away.

_…You have to fix this Simon, make it better, make it go away… make her forgive you… get her well and take her away far away…_

I pad into the bedroom, and the sight of her stuns me. Her breathing is shallow and her face is gaunt. I can't remember the last time I fed her or gave her water to drink. Her body is covered in red welts and blisters, some already peeling and burst. Her thighs look like raw meat fresh out of the grinder. Her slightly distended belly is taught and shiny. I quickly count twenty three fresh, long burn marks making crisscross patterns from just above her belly button to the top of her pubic hair. I know if I flipped her over there with be a wealth of cane marks from the top of her shoulders down to her lean calves. There are hickeys and bruises, long razor lines on her chest, her eyes are slightly blackened and her lower lip resembles a bursting, overripe plum. Her hands and feet are a strange shade of bluish white and the ropes are covered with caked up blood. There is something Christ like to her now.

_Bless me father for I have sinned…_

I fall to my knees and begin to sob; this is what I have done. This is who I am. Regret takes hold as my last shreds of sanity return. I pull my body off the floor and sit beside her on the bed. I slowly and carefully untie her feet, gagging when skin comes away with the ropes. I do the same thing at her wrists and lay them down at her sides.

I get a bowl of warm water, a wash cloth, gauze, tape and ice. I slowly wash down her body, emptying and filling the bowl three times. I remove every speck of blood I can see, treat and wrap her wounds, pressing my lips to the bandages before loosely fastening handcuffs around them. I rest a pack of ice on the blazing inferno that has become her belly. She breathes slowly and softly and I am glad she is at peace.

I need to clean my body and rid it of this shame. The water burns my flesh, I scrub and scrub and scrub until my skin is as red as hers. I have only felt like this once before, when I was fifteen and I was never able to wash that shame away either. I push the memory back to the catacombs of my mind and focus on today. I need to get her well, that is all that matters now. I will get her healthy and well and we can begin again.


	97. Chapter 97 - WHITE

Song inspiration:Benjamin Francis Leftwich - Box Of Stones - if you don't know it, posting video on Facebook and twitter such a sweet song.

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Hello All- Well I am so happy to say that I have 256 amazing followers, and that the last chapter had more reviews then the ones that preceded it. So exciting, thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing.

This are going to start moving in a new direction for Amy/Will/Simon, I have struggled with my decisions but I feel like I am making the right ones. So enjoy this next chapter. I hope to post again on Sunday.

I also wanted to give a shout out to a PM reviewer, who sent me this... you know who you are... It was something that I had not thought about and it was an ah-ha moment for me...

"I see Simon as the dark side of CG and Will as the sweet / light side of CG, I assume that was intentional that Grey is a mix of darkness and white. I LOVE the story and feel it is something I would rather have my daughters read for the strong female character and even though I love FSOG I saw tons of red flags as I read it that I would not want a young girl to overlook in hopes of "fixing" someone."

I am also posting updated chapters for 3 & 4, so if you have not reviewed those please do... I would love to hear your thoughts on the updated content.

Thank you again for reading and supporting me through out the process of this story...

XOXO PPP

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Chapter 96: White

The class lets out and I know my students didn't get their money's worth today. Why I let Amy convince me to keep this place open, I have no idea. Her insistence on keeping things as "normal as possible" is making me crazy. Nothing is normal: the security, the press, the FBI…Archer. Nothing is normal, and you know what? It never has been for us.

I am trying to convince her to leave again, maybe go out west or even to Canada, just until we find Archer. But once again she refuses. It is something we always fight about. I can't tell you how many times I have packed our bags only to have Amy to unpack them. This morning was a doozy, though it was less of a fight and more like the end of a very long argument.

I woke up in the morning in an empty bed. Amy was sitting in the living room scribbling in a note book, with tears streaming down her face, an empty glass of wine on the table next to her. It was my breaking point, Amy once again trying to hide the sadness from me, sitting there alone looking so miserable and small and afraid.

"Baby?" She jumped at the sound of my voice and quickly closed her book, wiping her tear-stained cheeks with her sleeve. I walked towards her and I could see her body tighten as I got closer. It's times like these when I feel the most distance between us, when her mind is on him and she doesn't want to be touched. The pain I felt in my chest must have shown on my face because Amy started to cry again, sobbing how sorry she was. Her notebook fell to the ground and the pale peach paper drifted to the floor in all different directions. I didn't care if she wanted to be touched right then or not. What she wanted didn't matter because I knew what she needed more than anything was for me to hold her. I knelt down next to the chair and ran my hands along her thighs pulling her towards me. She slid off the chair onto my lap and I was reminded of how she held me once not so long ago, that fateful day my father died: the first time I held her and the first time she held me.

"Amy, please let's just go. You have plenty of cash…let's just pack a bag and go." We both have talked about how if we just up and vanish, all her money will have to stay right where it is. She has funneled a bit into an offshore numbered bank account, but even that will be traceable if Simon tries hard enough. So we have opened safe deposit boxes and filled them with cash at different banks all over the state and even in North Carolina.

I have this fantasy that Amy and I are living in a small apartment in Colorado. I tend bar and teach classes on the side; she writes and reads, studies another language. I take her for long hikes on the weekends in the summer, and in the winter we make love all day, warm and close. I think about the children we will have and them growing up in the mountains far away from the pain and memories that bought us there. I know I would miss my sister, my family my friends but somehow at the end of the day missing them is more tolerable than missing Amy. This is what Dalton calls a good fantasy.

"Will, listen to me. It does not matter where I go… we would have to leave forever and never come back. He will always be lurking. Don't you think I want this to be over? I wish I could just run away with you. Those weeks in North Carolina were the best of my entire life because for a little while we were free. But Simon won't stop. Weeks, months, years…it won't matter. I am not going to let him rule my life anymore."

"You are so fucking stubborn. I don't care if we leave and never come back. As long as you are safe and well that is all that matters."

"He has killed four people already! Do you think he would think twice about killing Dino or my parents? Or what about Tracy or Kira? Do you want their blood on your hands? Because I know I don't!" I felt like she had punched me in the gut. She had made this argument before, but Spence's sudden and tragic end made it more real somehow.

"You know I don't…damn it…"

"Look, we have security, tons of security and I am getting there… A few more training sessions with you and Dino and I will be right as rain…" We have fought many battles and now the war is over. I have lost. We are not going to leave and deep down I know she was right. It is not a matter of if Simon reappears - it's a matter of when. So here I am wasting time, pretending everything is fucking normal when it's not. Teaching classes and going through the motions, seeing my family and a few friends, the ones who rallied around us. Counting the seconds and minutes until I can be alone with Amy again.

I see Santana first, as he holds the door open for her. Amy is back and I can feel my shoulders relax. I pull my wedding ring out of my pocket and slip it back on my finger. I hate taking it off at all but it's not safe when I am working.

"Hello, Mrs. White…" I love calling her that, god damn it I do. A smile turns up the corners of her mouth and her eyes just light up.

"Hello, Mr. White…" She wraps her arms around my waist and surrenders her head to my chest with a long sigh. Santana and I make quick eye contact and he just nods as he walks outside, giving us some much needed privacy.

"How was your session today?" I could tell by the look in her eye and the scowl on her face that it did not go well.

"Same as always. You're seeing him later today, right?"

"Yeah, in an hour. Then dinner later with your parents, right?"

"Yeah, they wanted to see you for your birthday. We have a packed weekend: you and me tomorrow and then your party on Saturday…"

"We really don't need to do a party."

"Yes we do, Will. We have had no fun, no big wedding; my birthday came and went with no celebration, and we deserve a fun night with friends. And you deserve what I have cooked up for tomorrow." A sly smile spreads across her face as she kisses my chin. "Go take a shower; you don't want to be late."

* * *

"So Will, how are you doing?" Dalton always starts the sessions the same way, with the same question. He knows the answer, because I say the same thing every time.

"Shitty, doc." He chuckles like he always does and then gets to the task at hand, getting inside my head.

"Would you care to explain?"

"Well, it's been three months and we are no closer to finding him. The fucking press is still lingering, not like they used to but still. The FBI just backed off a bit, but we just never get a break. Amy is trying to act normal, like none of this is happening, but we all know she is on the edge. In an effort to get Amy ready we changed her training, I just couldn't throw her around or be the cause of her pain. Dino stepped up to the plate; Amy needed someone familiar but someone able to detach enough to actually land a punch or drop her without a second thought. And if there was one skill Dino had developed to perfection all his years on the force, detachment was it. Her training with Dino and I has not gone well as we had hoped. He took her down last week and she freaked out - I mean full on panic attack. And the worst part was when she came out of it nearly an hour later, she wanted to go again. It was torture watching her get like that, and then…for her to push herself. We should be happy, you know…but all this shit is happening outside of our control, my control and it's just too much."

"How are you doing with your cravings? Are they better? Worse?

"The same. I have Sandy on speed dial and she sets me straight. I work out, Amy and I well… we fuck a lot, and that helps quite a bit." He smirks a bit and shakes his head.

"I am sure it does, but those are just distractions Will. How are you coping?"

"What do you want me to say? I want to get high every fucking day…every minute. I want to make this all go away. I am so tired, you know. But I don't because my only purpose is to keep her safe. That's it. That is all that matters, so I won't get high… I won't even take a drink… But that does not mean I don't want to or need to."

"There are many things outside your control, Will. You can't control what happens, only how you choose to respond. You have to come to terms with this fact; your cravings feed on anxiety and fear like leeches. Fear of the unknown, fear of what if. That road will you lead you nowhere, except maybe back to rehab. You need to enjoy the moments you can and when the worry begins to build you need to remember what we have been working on here and retrain your mind."

"I try, I do… but my distractions, working out, sugar, fucking my wife…well, they are just easier. Instant."

"You know better than anyone that there is no instant fix."

"Pardon the pun, doc…"

"I am not being funny right now Will. This is not a joke." I have pissed him off because I know deep down he is as worried about Amy as I am. He knows better than anyone what Simon in capable of. Amy has told him every detail and moment, every fear and phobia. He is an Amy encyclopedia, five years of knowledge.

"I fucking know, Dalton. I know." I stand up abruptly, because suddenly the room feels smaller than ever and I need fresh air. I need to run, to exert some energy.

"Sit down, Will. We have half an hour left, and you need to be here. Refocus and breathe."

* * *

I leave Dalton's office feeling, for lack of a better word, pissed off. We talked in circles for the last thirty minutes, him telling me the same shit over and over. And the worst part is I still want to get high. I know a place not too far away, behind an old tortilla factory, where I can score exactly what I want, what I need. The desire pumps though my body like blood; I have never had a craving this intense or this merciless. The only thing keeping me from making a left on Woodhaven Boulevard right now is Amy and dinner with her parents tonight and whatever is planned for tomorrow.

I intentionally and vividly distract myself with thoughts of her: The way she smells fresh out of the bath, her glasses pulled down on her nose, tucked into a chair reading. The swell of her breasts when my mouth has touched every inch of them. Her laugh, her smile, the small freckles on her nose. How she sings when she is cooking, or mumbles when we are watching TV. Her feet are always cold and lips are always warm. But when I am feeling myself spiral down it is the first time we made love is always right on the edge of my sanity. Silence and light, for some reason those two words sum up that moment. She stood there, her eyes filled with an expression I had not seen before. I wanted to reach out and touch her, hold her, beg her to stay and never leave. She was my breath and heart, my lungs, my hands and feet, she was my skin and my soul. I was a careless, unhappy man, a fool, a player. I wandered and mindlessly made my way through this life. No cause no action no plan and now I see that I was waiting for her to come and find me. Waiting for her to make whole and give me purpose and meaning Before her I was nothing and now I am hers.

It happened so quickly, so unexpectedly I watched with wide eyes and awe as Amy began to silently strip in front of me, her pale skin glowing in the sunlight. My cock reacted before my brain had time to process what was happening and what was about to happen. Months and months of false starts, taking one step forward and two steps back, all finally came down to that one moment. I muttered her name, my voice thick. I could feel the pain in my chest start to ease away and something else takes its place.

I have known since the moment I met Amy that I loved her. It was innate, as easy as taking a breath. But this was the moment I knew she was my other half, my one and only. She kissed me gently, and then continued the slow process of removing her bra and panties. I could see her body tremble, her knees shake. There was a flash of self-doubt in her eyes but my brave girl stood there without shame and let me see her. All of her.

I couldn't contain that feeling; my body couldn't hold it in. I felt the heat of my tears filling my eyes and I pulled Amy to me, resting my head against her warm soft belly, my hands cupping her ass, not for sexual gratification, just because they fit there perfectly. We cried together, really cried. It has only happened twice in my life and Amy has witnessed both times.

"Will, I want you to make love to me." Her words were like a hymn, her voice so low and sweet. It was a song I wanted to sing right along with her.

"Amy, I want you to make love to me…"

I got out of my clothing as fast as I possibly could, because I couldn't wait another moment. I needed to feel her and taste her; I needed to be inside. I took her nipple in my mouth and this primal feeling took over me. I felt like I was connected to everything, the earth and the water, fire and wind. All of the elements. I trailed my lips down her body and stopped where the worst of her scars began. I looked at them closely for the first time. Amy didn't hide from me and I wouldn't hide from them. Slowing down, I brushed my lips against each and every one, and suddenly their power faded away even though the scars remain. The scars are a map to her past but I am the compass and she is home.

The moment I think about the most, my methadone if you will, was the moment my mouth connected with Amy's pussy. It's a guy thing, I get it…but knowing that she was able to let go and trust me was everything. I had one goal: make Amy come, to get her as wet and ready as possible because I knew when I was inside of her it was going to hurt. Nothing makes my dick softer than the possibility of Amy in pain, nothing. I worked her with my mouth and fingers, in and out, doing my best to slowly stretch her. She was so tight and wet and warm. She came loudly, very loudly. I looked up and her head was thrown back, her body shaking and covered with the sheen of her sweat. She was saying something that sounded like my name in another language and my balls and cock were screaming out for release.

I kissed her over and over, knowing she was tasting herself on my tongue. She took me by surprise and started to stroke my cock. It was the first time she had touched me there and somehow it felt…different. My confidence started to waver, and fear set in because this is the moment. It was either going to be the best or the worst of our lives.

"Amy… I don't want to hurt you." Those were the words that came out of my mouth, but what I was thinking was that I didn't want to remind her of… him.

"You won't…please, Will…" She pressed herself against me, and damn it all to hell, I couldn't wait another moment. I parted her legs a bit wider, and as slowly as I could, I pushed the tip of my cock inside of her. I could feel her wince, as she tensed at my intrusion. I pressed forwards a little more and I could feel her tearing. I started to pull out because it was just not worth it.

"No, don't pull out." Her voice was full of fear and a desperate wanting. I fought the voice in my head telling me to stop and began the climb towards Everest. I was sheathed by Amy completely, and I slowly moved inside of her with intent. This was on another playing field. I mean, I had never felt anything like it before. My body was on fire, a slow burn, my chest felt like it was cracking open and I just wanted Amy to crawl inside because there next to my heart, she would be safe.

"I love you, Amy…"

"I love you, Will…"

I felt her legs clench around my waist and I cradled her body to mine. I wanted to move harder and faster, but I kept myself in check and focused on her pleasure until I could feel her explode around me. We were a mess of mouths and moans. I came with her walls still shaking and pulsing around me, our voices blended, moaning one another's names. I collapsed over her; my body had no energy left and all that was left was silence and light.

There is darkness on the end of town and it draws me there I know right where to find what I need. I know the air will smell like fresh corn and old garbage. I know how it will feel, how my body will react. I know my heart will race and my eyes will water. My throat will burn. I know that all my fear and worry will just drift away. But there is a light that is stronger and it is pulling me home. Pulling me where I belong…home.

I shove my hands in my pockets and hump it back to the apartment. On the way I pick up a box of rainbow cookies, a bottle of "our" wine and can hear her singing as I make the way up the stairs.


	98. Chapter 98 - Run

Song Inspiration: Run Snow Patrol

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This chapter has been a long time coming for those of you reading from the beginning. I have struggled all the way here but now that it is come the writing has become easier with the choice made. I have to give a big huge shout out to Lala for helping me get to this point, after a very long conversation... I double heart you...

Ok guys the ride is about to get bumpy...

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Chapter 98: Run

The house is full of Will's friends and family, and the place feels like a home. I made a huge pot of chili that is simmering on the stove and cheesy cornbread baking in the oven. The whole place smells of cumin and burnt cheese. My stomach is growling but we are waiting for everyone else to arrive. I make Santana and Todd, the guy who is usually in the van with him, a plate of chips and dip and bring it out to them. The sun is just setting and damn it is getting cold, even for October.

I feel kind of bad for Santana. He spends so much of his time with me or sitting in his van with one of his side-kicks/assistants, waiting and watching. The van is full of equipment, monitors for our security cameras, a control center for the security of everyone I know and love. I have asked him to explain to me how they keep track of it all. Santana put it in very simple terms. They can't, it's not possible to keep track of it all. So they prioritize, external video cameras have precedence over interior ones. They view recorded video later, during debrief.

Santana has is a team of twenty five men working for him right now, though I am not his only client. Fifteen are assigned to me and my family and they take shifts with surveillance. Mac and Santana usually work in twelve hour shifts and are always with me: Santana is with me in the day and Mac is in the van at night at night. It is a wonder that they don't go insane.

Santana thanks me profusely for the snack and I promise to bring them some chili and maybe even a beer. They decline the beer of course but I know they want the chili. When I get back inside, all of Will's friends are piled onto the sofa screaming at the TV. Football season has descended and that's all I have heard about for weeks. It's nice though, normal even. The girlfriends and wives are sitting at the dining table drinking wine. Charlie is the loudest of the bunch - he loves his football. Every so often Tracy shudders with embarrassment and laughs at her enraged husband. I am waiting for Laurel and Jeff; he had the shop open today.

I am sipping a beer and leaning against the counter watching Will. I imagine his life was like this before he met me. His friends and good game, a few beers. Simple.

I wish all days could be like today. After having an amazing night alone with Will yesterday, I woke up this morning with his naked body wrapped around mine. The light was just barely peeking in the window making long glowing lines over our bodies. These are the mornings that I live for, the moments that everything is possible.

I could feel him waking, his breathing changed a bit and his body flexed against mine as his arms tightened around me. I stretched against him so he knew that I was awake too and I ran the tips of my fingers through the delicate hairs on his forearm. His lips brushed against my neck and then my shoulder and I shivered at his touch, my skin puckering with goose flesh.

I realized that we have broken down every wall, every barricade. The sadness, fear, pain, worry, and anxiety. We have fought and slayed all but one dragon. And as long as Will and I are together I know everything is going to be alright.

I could feel his erection grow as it pressed into the tops of my thighs, his body cradling mine. It was not how we usually made love in the mornings. This was different, my back to his front, slow and deep with a calm, peaceful silence around us. It's usually a heated frenzy of want and need, but not today. Something had changed, a stillness taking over. Without a word Will shifted his body and slid inside if me, making me sigh with relief. He was right where I needed him to be.

His hand traced the curve of my hip and he rocked gently against me and in me. I felt like I was floating, as if the bed fell away beneath us and we were suspended. Transcendent.

I reached back over his body and pulled his ass as close to me as possible, and he snaked his arm under my neck and splayed his fingers against the flat of my chest, holding me so close that not even a whisper of air could come between us.

This is what love is. This is what whole is.

He whispered that he loved me. I was not even sure he knew he is speaking. It just fell from his lips because he needed to say it like taking breath. I laced my fingers with his and held them over my heart. I could feel his chest expand against my back and the warm breath of his deep moan in my hair. I felt the first quiver of my orgasm but then he stopped moving and we lay there for a few moments pulling ourselves off the edge. He did not want this to end just yet and neither did I. His free hand wandered over my body, gently teasing my breasts, my belly, my hip and thigh until finally he slid his fingers into my wet seam and gently swirled over me. He started to move inside of me again, our breath matched. His breath was my breath and my breath was his breath.

I whispered his name begging for release. He slid his body down just an inch and that was my undoing as he was hitting me in a place that only he knows. I came quietly, every part of my heart mind and soul invested in that moment, no energy to give over to sound. I tightened every muscle, clenching around him. He pressed his forehead to the back of my neck and grunted low and long as I felt the heat of his orgasm filling me.

If I had known that would be the last time we would ever be like this safe and connected with not only our bodies but our souls, I would have never left our bed. If I had known that this was the beginning of our end, I would have run away with him. Far away. I would have never looked back. But I didn't know. I couldn't have known what was coming.

* * *

I'm standing here stirring the chili mindlessly when our phone begins to ring. I turn to face the party-goers, Will's eyes catching mine. He wants to see if I am going to answer the phone. I point to the maligned phone sitting on the counter letting him know I will answer it. I mindlessly pick it up not worrying who is on the other end of the line. He mouths the words 'I love you' and I placed my hand over my heart as I hit the talk button on the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello Love…have you missed me as much as I have missed you?" Every part of me goes cold, his voice having such power over me. My belly clenches, waiting for impact. "I want you to listen to me very carefully. I am here with Billy and Leigh…"

The tears start to well up in my eyes. No, no, no…not my parents. NO! Breathe, Amy. Breathe. I turn my back and brace my body against the cold marble counter top.

"Please don't hurt them."

"That is really up to you. Your security man was quite the challenge; I must admit he gave Frankie quite the fight. But like you once told me only darkness feeds on light. Your husband…how is he? I was going to kill him first, but I decided to let him live. He should know the anguish and pain of losing you, like I do. But Dino…well, Dino is another story all together."

"What? Wh-what did you do to Dino?"

"Don't worry about that, Love. They will find his body sooner or later. You have fifteen minutes, Amy. Frankie will be waiting for you at the park. You know our spot."

"I have people here and security."

"I am aware of that, but you're a crafty girl so figure it out. Fourteen minutes, Love, or your father is dead. I know you love him best."

The line goes dead and I feel like the world is coming to an end. This is happening right here and right now. Today is the day I have been preparing for, dreading. I can't allow myself to think about Dino…the pain is too great, an unbearable, horrible weight. The idea that he is gone because of me. How did he die and what did Simon do to him? My heart aches for him, to see his face to hear his laugh. I can't even remember the last time I saw him, the last thing I said. Dino, Dino, Dino…

I can feel my body start to shake, my fingers numb my ears ringing. Panic is brewing in my belly. NO!

"Baby, you alright?" Will's arms snake around my waist turning my body to face him. The moment he sees my face he knows something is wrong. I take a long deep breath. Come on, Amy. This is it, do or die: breathe, visualize, focus. Breathe, visualize, focus. Breathe, visualize, focus. Think, Amy, think…just breathe and think…

"Baby, what happened?" He rubs his hands up and down the length of my arms and I just want to cry against his chest. "Who was on the phone?"

"Uh, that was Laurel… She and Jeff had a fight. They broke up. I have to go there." Tears fall from my eyes, I can't hold them back and he quickly wipes them away with the rough pads of this thumbs.

"Aww shit, I am sorry… what happened?"

"Life… Life happened. It's just not fair. They love each other so much. They deserve to be happy and live a long life together, you know?" I glide my fingers over the stubble on his jaw; I want to take in everything: every line and detail on his face, the tone of his voice, the glint in his eyes. I place my hands on either side of his face and pull his forehead down to mine.

"Some things just aren't meant to be, but life goes on, Will. They will fine. Time heals everything…" I can feel the strength leach out of my body when it hits me that this is the last time I will hold him, the last time I will hear him. I choke back a sob, my throat burning for release. "I gotta go, Bear… Laurel is a mess."

"Take Santana with you. Todd is with him…and Mac should be here in an hour or so."

"I will. I am gonna go change. Tell everyone how sorry I am. The chili is in the pot and the corn bread is keeping warm in the oven." I can feel my soul tearing away from my body as I look into his eyes and lie. I kiss him gently, relishing the feel of his lips on mine. I can taste the beer on his lips. "I love you…you know you that right? The day I met you was the best day of my life." My voice was shaking and I had to pull my shit together or he would know something was off.

"Baby, I love you too. Laurel and Jeff they aren't us…we are going to live a long and happy life together." He presses his lips to my forehead and then my nose and finally a chaste peck on my lips. Our final kiss.

"I know. I know we are." I grab his hand and give it a squeeze and brush my lips against his knuckles. I have twelve minutes. My brain is counting down the seconds.

"Go take care of your friend, and when you come home later I will take care of you. A birthday present for us both…" He gives me his let's-get-naked smile and I feel comfort because that is the last image of him I will have.

I somehow manage to make my way into our bedroom. I change quickly into sweat pants and pull my gun out of the closet; I click off the safety and tuck into to my waist band. I take off my wedding rings, pressing them to my lips and rest them on the dresser with a quick tear stained note.

Nine minutes, forty-six seconds...forty-five seconds…forty-four…

I have to get past the party full of people and Santana in his van. I am not sure how I am going to do this, but then it hits me: the metal staircase and the loading dock.

I peek my head out of our bedroom door. Will and Charlie are high-fiving and cheering with the group. I slide out the door and down the hallway undetected. My hands glide over the cold metal railing and I quietly descend the stairs. I punch in the security code, which is our wedding date backwards, and look into the security camera. I mouth 'I love you and I am sorry'. Since this is an interior camera, I'm pretty sure no one is watching right now, but in a few hours' time this will be the last image of me Will is ever going to see.

The cold air hits me and actually clears my mind. I have just over seven minutes to save my parents' lives. I zip up my sweat jacket and begin to run towards darkness.


	99. Chapter 99 - Darkness

Song Inspiration: Gravity Sara Bareilles

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A/N: So I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you to followers new and old... It has been four months getting to this point and I could not have done it without all of you...

XOXO PPP

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Chapter 98 – Darkness

I have waited for this moment and now it is finally here. In a few short hours, Amy will be back in my arms and this time I will never let her go.

Hearing her voice affected me in a way I had not expected. My heart swelled, my stomach clenched and my cock twitched all at the same time. It took every ounce of self-discipline not to come or cry. She sounded scared and that was a very good thing. Fear was always a fantastic motivator for my Amy. Fear will keep her in her place and on track. Fear will keep her close to me and that is all I want: Amy closer to me.

We had been together just under a month when I knew she was all I would every really want or need. For a month, I had been the perfect boyfriend, lover and friend. I had kept the beast at bay because I was happy and safe in Amy's small hands and large trusting heart. Happiness was never something that came easily to me; the ghosts from the past kept the chains around my neck.

Putting on a show was very new to me; my usual companions liked me better the worse I treated them so there was a bit of a learning curve with meeting her family and friends, getting her parents to love me and trust me. During that month, I couldn't even look at another woman. Amy was all that I wanted. But I could feel this need growing and I had to make Amy understand what I needed so she could be the one to give it to me.

I went to Hermes after a meeting and milled around the shop looking for a present. Amy was not a fan of excessive gifts and pampering; it was actually quite refreshing. She hated when I spent too much money on her so I had to choose carefully. She nearly took my head off my shoulders when I showed her a closet brimming with new clothing for her to wear. He held out for two days until she finally put something on. Stubborn to a fault. I wander around the store taking my time, trying to imagine what Amy would like best. A bag was out, as was jewelry and then like a beacon of light I knew. I could see it in my mind tying Amy to the bed with her newly minted present.

I stood at the counter ignoring the advances of the very attractive, overly made-up shop girl, there were so many colors and patterns to choose from. Horses and links, strange abstracts and traditional paisley, but there was one that stuck out to me. It was perfect. Black was the color that stood out to me: a sheet of silk darkness but then like a flash of hope a bright swirl of pink or purple or white would cut through the darkness only to fade back into it along the edges as if the darkness was feeding on the light.

"I'll take this one. And wrap it."

Amy's eyes shone like bright stars when I laid the box on the table in front of her. I watched with childlike anticipation as her delicate fingers slowly unwrapped the package. Her gasp was audible when in a flourish she pulled the scarf out of the confines of its orange box. It waved like a flag - my flag - and I realized that every time she wore it she would be cloaked in my colors.

"Simon, this is too much. It is so breathtakingly beautiful. Thank you! I can't believe you went to Hermes."

"I would have bought you more, but you served my balls up on a platter the last time I tried to spoil you. A scarf seemed perfect."

"It is perfect." She wrapped the scarf around her neck tying it in a loose knot and leaned over giving me a long lingering kiss. She stood up when the timer went off for the oven but honestly dinner was the last thing on my mind. I followed her to the kitchen as she pulled out a roasted chicken and turned off the oven. When the chicken was safely on the counter, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards me. I knew that would be the night I would show what was behind the curtain.

"Do you trust me, love?" We were both breathless, her body flat against mine, her eyes full of wanting.

"Yes, I do. Of course I do."

"Good, because tonight trust is the only thing that matters. Come." I grabbed a fistful of her scarf and pulled her into my bedroom.

"Take off all your clothes but leave the scarf." I could feel the beast brewing, but when I am like this I can keep him at bay. And as long as I give him what he needs he allows me some control. She looked at me and was hesitant. "Amy trust me."

She slowly started to undress until her clothes were a pile on the floor and the scarf draped over her bare breasts. This was the moment I would begin to control her, to bend and mold her; this was the beginning.

"Amy, we need a word…something you will say to stop me if this becomes too much."

"How about stop?" She chuckled, not really understanding the weight of this moment and the necessity of the word.

"You won't mean it, Love and it won't stop me. You have to understand I am going to take you places you never knew existed. I am going to make you fly." I knew I should explain and tell her what was about to happen but I was not really sure myself and I didn't want to scare her off. This needed to happen; I needed it more than I even wanted it.

"Gravity…When I say gravity that is when you know to stop."

I raise my eyebrows at her clever choice of words. It is perfect. I hope I never hear her say it, but then again I do.


	100. Chapter 100 - Dying Light

Song inspiration: The Funeral, Band of Horses.

Chapter 99: Dying Light

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My mind is scattered, moving as fast as my legs as I try to grasp what is happening and even worse what is about to happen. My mind drifts to Will and I remember those cold mornings when he and I were apart last year. I would run the track alone and imagine him there running a few feet ahead of me urging me on, teasing me. He is here with me now, telling me everything I need to do so that I can survive this and come back to him.

I can see the SUV off in the distance, the red tail lights pulling me forward. I am out of breath and my legs are burning but I will get there in time. I have to. I see Frankie's silhouette in the darkness. Tall and broad, he is built like a brick shit house. I am only a few feet away when the adrenaline finally gives out. I can feel my knees begin to buckle, my heart beating out of my chest. I feel Frankie's tree trunk-like arms catch me a mere moment before I hit the ground.

He runs his hand over my hair trying to soothe me as I sob in his arms. I can't believe he is actually trying to comfort me. I had always considered him a friend, even an ally. But now he is serving me to Simon on a silver platter.

"Amy, shhh. Just take a deep breath. It's gonna be okay."

"How can you say that to me? You know what he is going to do to me. I always thought we were friends… I knew deep down in my heart it would be you here and not him. My parents, please tell me he has not hurt them? And Dino, were you the one who killed him? How could you Frankie? All this time watching me… and now you are just going to hand me over…" I can feel the panic brewing, and I just want to flip the switch in my brain and turn it all off. Frankie is holding me a bit tighter, and I can feel the guilt radiate off of him.

"I am sorry. You have no idea how sorry, Amy. If there was another way around this, I would take it. He has information that would destroy my son and my family. I have no choice."

"We all have a choice, Frankie. This is just yours." I push my way free of his arms and stumble toward the car leaning against the cold metal door. "Answer me. Frankie! Were you the one who killed Dino?!" He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and shook his head no.

"D'Elia is not dead, Amy. Right now he is at the station." I feel this overwhelming relief wash over me. Dino is alive and safe. "It was part of the plan though, he just got called in on a case. And yes, I would have killed him if I had the chance."

"My parents?"

"Simon is not with them, but someone is and if they don't get a call from me in eight minutes, your father is dead."

"Well, make the fucking call! What are you waiting for?"

"You need to be in the car and we have to be on the move. We don't have time for this now. Get in the car, and I will explain what I can."

I slide into the back seat, my entire body shaking, my mind about to crack. My parents' lives hang in the balance still, but Dino is safe and Will is probably still clueless to what is happening. Somehow thinking of him watching the game surrounded by his friends gives me a strange feeling of peace.

"Here take these." Frankie holds out a bottle of water and two small white pills.

"What are they?"

"They will put you to sleep. It's either this or I have to inject you with something. Please…this is happening one way or the other; don't make it any harder than it needs to be."

I take the pills and knowing that I am going to be knocked out by the time I reach Simon and that feeling in my belly over takes my entire body. I start to shake, my hands unable to crack open the bottle of water. Frankie takes it from me and twists the cap off with ease.

"Take the pills Amy and I will make the call." I do as I am told, but the pills are hard to swallow.

"We have about half an hour before those kick in. So let me tell you what you need to know. Simon would have my balls for this, but..."


	101. Chapter 101 - White

Song Inspiration: c'est la mort, the civil wars

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There is something great about having my friends here tonight. I feel normal and calm and maybe even a little relaxed. It feels nice having the place full of friends and family, a few beers, a lot of laughing, a good game. My wife is in the kitchen looking sexy as all hell making my favorite meal for dinner. She planned this party for me despite all that she is going through. Her strength astounds me and makes me feel weak when I think about how close I keep coming to the edge of my sobriety. Thank God she is there to pull me back.

It blows that Jeff and Laurel had to put a kink in the chain and get into a fight. I hated seeing Amy upset like that, but her empathy is one of her finest qualities, something I would never try to change. And considering how much Laurel has done for Amy just in the past few months alone, who am I tell ask her not to go? If Laurel needs her, I can share even though I want her here with me on my birthday. Hell, I even get that sometimes I have to take the backseat to her best friend. The same way Amy would to Tracy. Family is the only thing that really matters.

Right now, life is good and for a few hours the shit storm that has been blowing against our door is taking a night off, actually two nights off because last night was hands down one of the best of my life and I have to say I think Amy enjoyed herself too.

She took me to dinner at that little Italian place we went out on our first real date. She had the gnocchi, while I had the veal. We drank two bottles of wine and talked and laughed. She even got a little touchy-feely under the table. And the best part was Amy's promise of what was to come, that dinner was only the beginning. I had never felt luckier, more centered, more in love than at that very moment. I could see us ten years from now, dropping the kids off at her parents and coming here to celebrate my forty-seventh birthday, and later my fifty-seventh, just me and my girl.

Mac drove us home. I was still not really used to having all the security people around but tonight I was grateful. I was actually able to relax, have a few glasses of wine and let my guard down just a tiny bit because I knew Mac and his years of Seal training were waiting outside to get Amy home safe and sound. Dalton told me that I needed to rely on the men more, that it wasn't my burden to carry alone. He told me that they all wanted Amy alive and safe and that I needed to let some else carry the weight of that from time to time. He was right when he said that my sobriety depended on it.

We got back to the apartment, stumbling up the stairs laughing, kissing and touching the entire way. I don't know why but I was expecting to see flowers and candles and shit like that, but there was nothing. The place was just how we left it a few hours ago. I hate to admit it, but I was a little disappointed. I have gotten used to that girly shit that Amy is so good at.

"Wait here. I will be right back." She looked at me with her sparkling green eyes, full of excitement and anticipation. She started to walk away from me but I pulled her back into my arm and kissed her with everything that I am and everything that I will ever be. I can't even imagine that there was a time when I couldn't kiss her, or touch her. Amy's arms tightened around my waist and she rested her head on my chest.

"I have to go get your presents. Can you wait here for a few minutes?"

"You have five and then I am coming in after you." She giggled and I pressed my lips to her forehead. I watched her walk away and disappear behind our bedroom door. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, turned on the iPod and played a little music. I couldn't make up my mind so I just hit shuffle and hoped for the best. I lit a few candles of my own. I can be romantic when the mood calls. I checked my watch. It had been ten minutes and as much as I wanted to storm into the bedroom and bury myself in my wife, I knew that whatever she had got cooking in there was way better. I plopped on the sofa, put up my feet and did what men do: I waited for my woman.

I heard the door creak open and in slow motion my head turned to the sound. Holy fuck, it was worth the wait. She. Was. Stunning.

Amy's hair was down, and I noticed that it had grown quite a bit since she cut it, as it now hung down to her shoulders in loose waves. She had washed her face and it was free of any makeup, her skin glowing in the dim candle light of the room. She was wearing a long silky gown, the color of midnight and it clung to her body in all the right places, her breasts taking center stage. She smiled broadly watching me watch her as she slowly made her way towards me. She had a long flat box in her hand and it was wrapped beautifully. She rested it on my lap, pulled up her nightgown around her thighs and sat beside me with her legs curled up under her.

"Well don't just look at me, Bear. Open it!" With the excitement in her voice you would have thought it was her birthday and her present. I carefully removed the twine and dried leaves that adorned the top of the box and rested them on the table. I knew she will want to keep them. I tore off the brown paper and opened the lid. My eyes went wide, and I was slightly confused when I saw our passports.

"Amy…"

"I thought we could go on a real honeymoon. You and me, a month away from here. Chiyo wants to see us, so we are going to start in Japan. A week there and then a week in Ireland, so you can see those cousins you have been emailing for years. Jeff and Laurel are going to meet us for a week in Paris and then you and me for a week under the Tuscan sun…"

"Baby, I don't know what to say this is too much…" It sounded amazing, a month far, far away from here. A month when Archer won't have a clue where we are, another month that Amy will be safe. Sounds like the best present I could ever have asked for.

"No, it's really not. We need a break from all of this, and Santana and Mac are coming so we will have round the clock coverage. Chiyo made most if the arrangements, we are going to be staying in all of his hotels and he will have his security staff there too. I emailed all of your students and told them the place was going to be closed for a month." I put the box on the table and pulled her on to my lap placing small kisses on her shoulder and neck.

"When do we leave?"

"Monday morning. Chiyo is sending his jet."

"A private fucking jet…" All I could think about now was fucking her at thirty thousand feet. I began to wonder if she and Archer ever joined the club but like all thoughts of Archer and Amy together, I pushed it from my head as quickly as humanly possible.

"Yup, a huge jet with a bedroom and everything… I am so looking forward to joining the Mile High club." Thank Christ. I breathed a sigh of relief and I wished that I could say the same thing but I have been a member of the club for quite some time. I was glad when Amy didn't push the issue and ask me if I have fucked on a plane before. The night had been too great to fuck it up with stories of the past.

"Thank you…" I kissed the top of each of her breasts. "Thank you…" Then, I ran my tongue across her collarbone. "Thank you…" I nipped at her neck and kissed her chin, finally brushing my lips against hers. I pulled on the straps of her gown, my laser focus on the moment my mouth met her nipples.

"You're getting ahead of yourself, buddy. I have plans for you and they all involve you naked and in our bedroom."

"You don't gotta tell me twice." I stood up quickly, lifting her up onto my shoulder. She yelped out and started to laugh as I carried her like a sack of mulch into the bedroom. I placed her feet back down on the floor, and she sat on the edge of the bed, lifting her gown and crossing her legs.

"Take it off, Will."

"Again, you don't gotta tell me twice." I pulled off my sweater and wiggled out of my jeans in twenty seconds flat. Her eyes lingered over my naked body and it took every drop of self-control not to rip that gown away from her body and touch every part of her with my mouth and hands. She stood up before me, and I could feel the silky fabric of her gown against my thighs. She ran her hands down my chest and over my arms. I leaned down to kiss her but she tilted her head away from me, denying me her mouth. Confused and slightly offended, I raised my brows in question.

"Ahead of yourself once again. Lay down on the bed, face down. Trust me, Bear, you are going to love this." I did as I was told, because I was curious and horny and she was just so fucking sexy right then all in control and bossy. I had a moment of pause when I felt her slip a blindfold over my eyes, tying it loosely around my head. She whispered in my ear, the heat of her breath sending a shiver though me.

"You will feel more when you can't see. Just relax and enjoy." I feel the bed shift as she climbed over me, sitting on my ass and then this warm sensation of what I assumed to be oil dripping on my back. Her fingers started to knead over me, gliding up and down my back in a steady rhythm. She was rocking against me, looking for some friction of her own, so I pushed my ass up against her every so often, hearing her breath hitch. After a while of feeling her magical hands run over my body over and over again, I felt like I was almost in a trance akin to my memories of being high. I felt no worry or pain, no fear; there were no demons or ghosts haunting me, so dragon to slay. Just us.

Her hands left my body and she wiggled a bit. She was right; because my vision was gone I could feel and hear everything in a different level. I knew she had pulled off her gown when I heard the delicate fabric hit the floor. I was not prepared for the sensation that hit me next: her breasts and belly making contact with my now sensitive skin, her lips gently brushing against the tops of my shoulders. The feel of her skin against the oiled slickness of my own. The tip of Amy's tongue trailed the long the edge of my ear, her teeth nipping my neck, I ignored my twitching cock and tried to steady my heart rate but then she began to speak to me in French and I nearly lost my mind.

_Non, rien de rien_

_Non, je ne regrette rien_

_Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait_

_Ni le mal; tout ça m'est bien égal!_

_Non, rien de rien_

_Non, je ne regrette rien_

_C'est payé, balayé, oublié_

_Je me fous du passé!_

_Avec mes souvenirs_

_J'ai allumé le feu_

_Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs_

_Je n'ai plus besoin d'eux !_

_Balayées les amours_

_Et tous leurs trémolos_

_Balayés pour toujours_

_Je repars à zéro_

_Non, rien de rien_

_Non, je ne regrette rien_

_Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait_

_Ni le mal; tout ça m'est bien égal !_

_Non, rien de rien_

_Non, je ne regrette rien_

_Car ma vie, car mes joies_

_Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi_

I had no clue what she was saying. All I knew was that if she was saying it here and now it must mean something important to her and really that was all that mattered to me. I couldn't take it another moment, I ripped the blind fold from my eyes and twisted my body around so Amy was sitting on my belly and my cock was resting against her bare ass. I fisted my fingers in her hair and brought her mouth to mine, tasting her sweet mouth, needing her breath and her lips, wanting more than a kiss could give.

She pulls her mouth away from mine, lips swollen, cheeks flushed.

"Baby, I need to be inside of you."

"And you will be, soon… just not yet." She reached over and grabbed the bowl of warm oil and poured it on my chest a drop at a time then her hands rub over me. I never really understood how much enjoyment a man could get having his nipples massaged like this, and it was bordering euphoric. She trailed her hands over each of my arms, then my hands, pressing her thumbs into my palms in small circles, one and then the other.

'If you weren't already my wife, I would be down on my knee after this baby." She giggled and then slid off my body and knelt beside me on the bed. She pulled a condom out from under the pillow and stroked me gently over and over, then rolled it down over my shaft.

"Anyway you want me… I am yours…"

* * *

Charlie is screaming touchdown and the room gets really loud. Of course, I have not been paying attention, and my mind is focused on a better place and time. Thank Christ I am wearing my baggy jeans or this would be fucking embarrassing. I let out a whoop, pretending like I know what just happened and I high five a few friends. I feel arms embrace me from behind and her high-pitched voice call out my name wishing me a happy birthday. My body freezes when my mind catches .

I turn quickly and see Jeff standing behind her smiling and everything starts to spin out of control.

"Laurel, what are you guys doing here?" She looks at me like I have ten heads and I pull my phone from my pocket and call Santana. When he answers on the first ring, I know something is very wrong. "Is Amy with you?"

"No… She is upstairs with you…" I drop the phone and run into the bedroom. My heart is about to explode in my chest…her words playing over and over again. And then I see her rings on the dresser and a piece of paper beneath them and I know deep in my soul that she is gone. I hear voices and sense people in the room with me but I can't think or breathe or focus. I pick up the rings, my eyes blurring with tears and slide them on to my pinky. With shaky hands I pick up the tear stained paper.

**Will, my love. Please forgive me. He has my parents…and Dino is dead because of me…I am sorry that I came into your life and brought you so much pain. Please be happy, live and love and go on, no matter what happens. **

**I love you… always… Amy.**

I read it over and over until I feel a hand on my shoulder I turn and Tracy is beside me.

"Will, what is going on?" I hand her the note and she gasps, tears forming in her eyes, streaming down her cheeks. In a rage, I turn to the closet and am happy to see my gun box is open and her .45 is not there. At least she took a fucking gun. What the hell was she thinking? Why didn't she tell me? Why didn't she tell Santana? How did he get to her… and then it hits me. The phone call. She spoke to him, and every word she said to me that followed takes on a new and horrible meaning.

_...Life… Life happened. It's just not fair. They love each other so much. They deserve to be happy and live a long life together. You know…_

_…Some things just aren't meant to be, but life goes on Will. They will be fine. Time heals everything…_

_…I love you, you know you that right? The day I met you was the best day of my life…_

The tears in her eyes and the sadness in her voice were for us, not Laurel and Jeff. When she touched my face and kissed me. She knew it was the last time…no I can't go there. I won't…I feel this rage taking over my body, and I can't control it. She is gone. He is going to hurt her. He is going to rape her…he is going to kill her.

I look around the room and see sets of eyes watching me; all I hear are Tracy's sobs as she hands the note to Charlie. Laurel starts to cry and is wrapped around Jeff whose anger is as apparent as my own. Santana pushes though the crowd and stands beside me taking control.

"Will, I got her on video leaving ten minutes ago from the loading dock. The exterior cameras show her running east towards the park. I sent Mac down there now. I called Dino. He was already on his way over, he is calling the FBI. I need everyone to get out of this room. It's going to be considered a crime scene. If everyone could please just go back into the living room and remain calm."

Calm? I will never be calm again.

* * *

English Translation… Edith Piaf

No, nothing of nothing

No! I don't feel sorry about anything

Not the good things people have done to me

Not the bad things, it's all the same to me.

No, nothing of nothing

No! I don't feel sorry about anything

It's paid for, removed, forgotten,

I'm happy of the past

With my memories

I lit up the fire

My troubles, my pleasures

I don't need them anymore

Broomed away my love stories

And all their tremble

Broomed away for always

I start again from zero

Because my life, my joys

Today, they begin with you.


	102. Chapter 102

Song Inspiration: Seven Devils, Florence and the Machine

* * *

Like Simon and Amy I have been wanting and fearing this moment with equal measure... and now we are finally here... To the 290 of you that have followed me on this journey... Thank you so very much... You have pushed me to keep going even though this has gotten very hard for me to write... A few Shoutout to my facebook family of FSOG lovers... SmileRose, Cole, Tifany Gale, Lili Grey, Vanessa Grey, Lulu Astor, Julieta Bauer, Madeline Ruggiero White, Crystal, Officeladyprobz, Brilee Fanfiction, Aarica Schumer Wideman, Karen Holloway, and Deenez Fanfiction... Ladies thank you soooo fucking much... I hope you enjoy these next two chapters and what is coming next...

XOXO PPP

* * *

Chapter 102: Amy

It's beautiful and warm, the air is thick with moisture and I am covered in it, my tee-shirt sticking to me, my ass sticking to the hot leather seat. I pull my hair up it to a messy knot in the top of my head, that helps a little but what I really need is a dip in the cool ocean water. Will gave up the fight long ago and threw his shirt in the backseat, his chest glistening, and the sheen of sweat giving his muscles even more definition, if such a thing were even possible. I can't help myself, I reach out and place my hand over his heart, I can feel it beating against my palm and he smiles placing his hand over mine. I can hear the ocean as we drive along the inter-costal, all the windows wide open, the wind and air pouring in, the music blaring around us, one eighties rock song after another. Will's taste in music is quite singular, Springsteen, Guns & Roses, Skynard... your basic garden variety boy music. I feel light and free and happy. Will's hand finds its way to its usual perch on my thigh, my skirt pushed up, exposing the battlefield of scars that look slightly worse than usual from all the sun I have been catching during our lazy days on the beach. The tips of his rough fingers making small rotations up and down the length of my inner thigh, it sounds sexual but it's really not. It's more about connection and comfort.

It's been a perfect day, my body sore, happily numb, our marriage license in my purse, and a slight twinge of pain from my newly minted tattoo on my inner left wrist matching a slightly larger version on Will's inner left wrist. I belly full of the bounty of the sea, caught fresh that morning, a hot donut from the famous Britt's on the Carolina Beach boardwalk. It really couldn't get much better, licking powdered sugar off of Will's lower lip.

And the best part is that no one knows where we are in these moments, we could be anyone do anything and there is strength in that. A strength that can only be found in anonymity. I have been calling Will Bear and he has been calling me Baby, our real names never uttered outside the walls of our little shack in the middle of nowhere. If the last few months have shown me anything, it has been that Will and I are stronger together then we ever could be apart. Together, Will and I are an unstoppable force and Simon is an unmovable object, impact is inevitable. So I focus on what I know to be true, what had always worked, Will's voice, his touch, his breath. If I focus on that I can get through whatever comes next, I can move the unmovable object, even an inch would be enough.

* * *

Before I wake from my drug educed sleep, even before my eyes open I can feel the cold and the dampness, my body shivers and my teeth clench. The warmth of the sun and Will's touch was just a dream. The cold wraps around me like a blanket and I know Simon is close, I can feel him everywhere and deep down in my soul I know he has touched me. I try to push that thought out of my muddled mind and focus. My mouth is dry, I open and close it trying to swallow and temper this awful metallic burn in the back of my aching throat. I feel hung-over, dizzy and spent. Frankie said the pills would make me woozy but I feel like I want to vomit, my stomach turning over and over.

I finally gather the nerve and ability to open my eyes fearing that Simon will be the first thing I see. Thankfully the room is darkened and I am alone, a small neon blue night light glowing in the corner, giving off just a hint of light. I can't focus my eyes, everything is blurred. I can't lift my head up off the bed, and when I try the room spins. It dawns on me that I am lying on a bed and panic surges through my body. I am lying on a fucking bed! I try to lift my arms but they feel so heavy, like cinderblocks are tied to each one. My head is pounding like a rain storm on a tin roof, the blood rushing in my ears and I am struggling to breathe. It feels like the air is full of smoke and I can't stop coughing. What the fuck did Frankie give me?

"Focus baby and breathe… Deep breaths. Breathe." It's Will's voice I hear in my head, his sweet kind baritone telling what I need to do so that I can survive this. I allow his voice to enter my foggy thoughts and soothe me until I am able to breathe and focus. Focus Amy… Think… You need strength… I imagine myself punching Irving and firing a gun at the range and that helps like it always does but then I realize that I don't feel my gun at my back and I know it's gone. My heart sinks at that thought because the gun provided me distance and now I have lost that advantage.

I hear heavy foot falls outside of the room and the creaking of old floor boards. My heart starts to pound in my chest at the all too familiar sound. I know this is it, this is the moment. I have thought of what is about to happen in my conscious and unconscious mind thousands of times over the years and never once was I lying flat on a bed, helpless. The fear begins to overwhelm me, it is so dense that not even Will's voice can penetrate. Simon is here…Simon is coming… I am going to die or worse. No FUCK… Amy focus…Fucking focus… Frankie… focus on Frankie.

…Be smart Amy… Simon is not in his right mind; use that to your advantage… He has a goal and a plan…

Frankie told me I have two options and neither one is appealing, and I don't know what I am going to do but I don't have time to think or react as I hear the door knob turn and the door squeak open. I raise my head up just a bit as the light sweeps into the room, the outline of his body a dark force in the doorway. Every muscle clenches, every fiber and shred of connective tissue frozen, my blood stops flowing through my veins, I feel like I am calcifying just from being in his presence. I can hear his labored breathing and a small gasp escape his lips, somehow I have managed to surprise him, isn't that fucking rich. He stands there like a statue for what feels like an eternity. I can't see his face, or his emotions, he is just a dark blur standing in my way.

"Hello Love…" It is the voice that has been haunting me in my dreams, the voice telling me that I will never be free. In two words and he has managed to unravel me, years of planning and preparation, all the long hours in therapy were all for nothing. The sight of his frame and mere sound of his voice starts the reaction that I am trying to avoid, the line where panic meets fear. Terror. He flicks switch and the chandelier over the bed bathes the room is a warm pink light, it is oddly familiar and it burns my eyes as I squint until my eyes are able to focus on man who stands before me.

He looks older and thinner, his once overtly muscular frame diminished. His dark hair is longer then I have ever seen it and he has a full grown beard that is flecked with patches of gray making him almost unrecognizable. His blue eyes are a bright as ever, but dark circles bear witness to his sleepless nights. He looks sadder then I remember but he is still beautiful and broken and worst of all insane, nothing has changed. His lips curl up in a smile as he peers down at me, traveling over the length of my body and I realize in that moment that I am naked, my own bare breasts staring up at me. My eyes dart around the room and it is shocking similar to my bedroom in my old apartment. The crystal chandelier above my head is nearly identical to the one I got on the side of the road in Brooklyn, I had to carry it back on the subway and Jeff rewired it for me. The short walls are painted the same pale blue grey, the curtains are grey and pink striped like French grain sacks from back in the day. The framed poster of Van Gogh Irises that I got from my mother's office, actually this frame is silver mine was a burnished gold, his memory not quite one hundred percent. It was one of my favorite paintings, a field of green and purple with one bright white spot off to the left. The lone white iris, ostracized by it more vibrant counter parts, on the inside looking out. The bed was the exact same white metal frame from Ikea with the same white linens and grey chenille blanket that rubbed against the back of my calves. There were even books stacked up on the floor. He had re-created an uncanny version of my room.

My mind starts to go into rewind and I am back in that room, the smell of vanilla and coffee in the air, the dripping water on cast iron, Bruno Mars, the smell of my own blood and burning flesh. I feel phantom pains shooting in each and every one of my scars, they being to throb and burn as the tears well up in my eyes. This is worse then anything I planned for or imagined. This is my own personal hell and Simon is the devil. My own personal devil and this time there will be no angel, no salvation. Dino is not going to burst through the door and save the day. I am on my own. At least my parents are safe and Dino is alive. For nothing else it was worth it.

"You're finally awake…" His voice is soft and shaking as he takes a step closer to me. My entire body revolts and I try to climb up the bed but I can't move. My legs are chained to the footboard, with metal handcuffs and they rattle against the metal bed frame, my hands bound to the headboard as well as I pull against the restraints. No… No… No… Not again, not like this… I can't be restrained… No… No… 1..2..3...4...5...6...

"I have imagined this moment Amy for so long…and now that it's here…"

The bubble begins in my belly radiation outwards until I feel it in my head and toes. I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't move, I can't hear Will voice or Simon's voice. Everything is drowned out by the screaming in my head. And then everything goes black and the rest is silence.

* * *

"And the rest is silence" William Shakespeare.


	103. Chapter 103

Song Inspiration: Make This Go on Forever, Snow Patrol

Chapter 103: Darkness

Frankie walks up the pathway with Amy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. The cold October air blows off the water and takes my breath away. I can feel a storm brewing in the air, the waves crashing loudly against the surf. He won't look me in the eye as he passes me in the doorway. I know what he is thinking, that he should just kill me himself he is more then able, god knows killing comes easily to Frankie. But he knows if I should die and I don't contact the head of my security team in Thailand once a week, that an envelope will be delivered to the New York City Police Department and multiple news outlets full of incriminating information about his son David, a fairly well known T.V. producer in Queens, children's shows ironically. David was a man after my own heart, his proclivities rival my own, but his tastes run much younger then mine. The photos even made me uneasy. To each is own I guess.

I can't believe this moment is actually here. I have waited and wanted and planned for years. Lost lonely horrible years, wasted time that I will never get back but now I know it was worth it because Amy, my Love is finally here. I catch a whiff of her hair as they pass by and I inhale deeply as I follow, just the smell of her ignites the dying fire inside of me. I feel home now, for the first time in years, I feel home.

Frankie lays her gently on the bed, and brushes a stray hair off of her face. Fucker, I don't want him touching her; he whispers something in her ear and I want to throttle him. I clench my fist at my sides, and take a deep breath. Now is not the time, still need him. He finally steps away from her, and I sit beside her on the bed taking her hand in my own. She looks so beautiful this close up. I had forgotten how luminous her skin was, how pale and pink her cheeks were. She looks so young and peaceful, sleeping beauty.

"Sir, I need to get back for my alibi for hold water." He looks old standing before me; I have known this man for most of my life. He has seen me at my best and my worst; he had protected me from myself. Frankie was with me all those years ago in South Africa, when I was obsessed with revenge and drunk with blood lust. He pulled me back from the brink, and washed the blood from my hands. I almost feel guilty using his son's dirty deeds as leverage, but when I felt his loyalty wane after the Amy incident he gave me no choice. Any love or affection he felt for me died that day a handed him the envelope full of photos of his son. David has since sought treatment for his past wrong doings and I helped them pay the girl's families off but the threat is still out there lurking. I made sure of that.

"Yes of course. Go." I nod unable to tear my eyes or hands away from Amy. "You're certain you weren't followed?"

"Yes sir, I was careful and switched cars half way here."

"Good, very good. Her parents?"

"The Knightley's are fine, Marco left them tied up in the closet but unharmed as you requested. The FBI is involved already, as are the local police. "

"Not surprising." I chuckle at all the little ants scattering about trying to make heads or tails of what has happened. Stupid fuckers, thinking they could stay steps ahead of me.

"We won't be able to touch D'Elia now…" That will be my one regret in all of this, that I couldn't end Dino D'Elia's life. He was the one who set all of this in motion, trying to get that ankle monitor on me for two years, forcing my hand and my time table. He was the one who took Amy away, holding her naked body, making me watch as I was bleeding out on the floor. I run my hand over my knee, the dampness turning the pain up a few notches.

"I am aware, but maybe that is for the best. It will kill him knowing that I have her and there is nothing he can do about it." The silver lining, White and D'Elia suffering. Hating themselves for letting her go. The satisfaction I feel is overwhelming. Frankie keeps his face neutral waiting for further instruction like a lap dog. "That will be all. You can head back now. I will call you I need anything else." I know this is the last time I will ever see Frankie, it will be too risky for him to come out here again. Truth be told I am glad this portion of my life is over and I can move from the past, finally.

"I have the supplies you requested in the trunk. I will get them." He nor Marco have not been out here for weeks and I try to stay away from the outside world as much as possible, even though I grew a beard anyone could recognize me at any moment. So I am looking forward to some fresh produce, milk that didn't come from a box and other indulgences.

"Fine but you can leave them on the porch, I will see to them later." I want him gone and on the road back to the city, timing is everything. I stand and shake his hand, there is something very finally about this moment and we both recognize it because he says something that takes me off guard.

"I am going to burn in hell for this Simon and so are you…We will meet again…of that I am sure."

I don't have time to respond; he turns on his heel and slams the door behind him leaving me there stunned and full of rage. I resist the urge to follow him, because Amy and I are finally all alone and I can't help myself I must touch her again. Frankie and his words are just a faint memory as I run the tips of my fingers over her lower lip and then the back of my knuckles across her cheek. Her skin feels like velvet, and all the memories when I got to touch and taste her precious skin come back to me. That first night, running my fingers up and down her back in the elevator, holding her hand as we walked through the park, pressing my lips to the hollow of her throat, running my hands down the length of her legs as they were wrapped around my waist in the shower. I am overwhelmed by memories and I need to touch her again. I pull off her sneakers first, and then her socks and gaze longingly at her bare feet. Amy is so ticklish that we could never do any foot play, which was a shame her feet are so pretty, so perfect. I take her hands in mine looking to remove the wedding ring that bastard gave her, I smile when I only see a pale circle of flesh around her finger. She already removed them, I smile at the thought. She knew that once she came to me that she was mine. William White didn't stand a bloody chance.

Next I pull off her sweat pants, these take some effort, so it isn't until they are a ball on the floor that I see that damage done to her thighs. The skin is flat but somewhat shiny, dark dots and reddish swirls marring her pale skin. I run my fingers over each and every mark expecting them to feel hot, but her skin is cool to the touch, sending a chill through my body.

I remember now how she got them. I remember lighting the candles letting them burn for an hours so the wax could build. I remembered how the wax looked at it hit her skin, going tom shiny and wet to dull and hard, the smell of her burning flesh, her stubborn glare as I pulled the wax away with my nails. I remember the anger I felt when she still said nothing, not my name or even the word no. Then pouring the wax over her flesh a second time until she passed out. I remember it all. The beast remembers too, it revels in the memory.

I slowly unzip her sweatshirt and gently pull it away from her body; it joins the pants on the floor. I lift her tee shirt and expose her belly. I can't help but gasp, line after line of raised bumpy flesh cross hatching over one another. Where the lines meet are the hardest to look at but I run my fingers over each and every one, wishing there was something I could do to make them go away but I know that I can't this is my mess. This is proof of my past.

I swallow the lump in my throat and keep moving forward, I have to stick with my plan it is all that I have. I resist the urge to turn her over and see the marks the cane left behind; instead I pull her body up further on the bed, and remove her bra and panties. Her body is larger than when I last saw her, her breasts bigger, her hips wider but there is also more muscle definition in her stomach and arms, the training she has been doing has completely transformed her frame. Too bad all that training was for nothing.

"Silly girl, thinking you could escape me…"

I fasten the cuffs around her wrists and ankles, the sound of the metal on metal making my cock hard. This is even better then I imagined it. I sit beside her on the bed and listen to her breath, in and out. I spent many a night lying beside her, feeling her breath on my neck, counting the seconds between each one. I know it will be hours until she is awake, the dosage was enough to tank a horse but I couldn't take any chances. I walk to the kitchen and pour a glass of wine and grab a book that I know she loves. I sit beside her one again and begin to read to her softly, hoping my words seep into her slumber and she wakes with me on her mind.

And because love battles

not only in its burning agricultures

but also in the mouth of men and women,

I will finish off by taking the path away

to those who between my chest and your fragrance

want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse

they will tell you, my love,

than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies

before I got to know you

and I did not wait love but I was

laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?

I am neither good nor bad but a man,

and they will then associate the danger

of my life, which you know

and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger

is danger of love, of complete love

for all life,

for all lives,

and if this love brings us

the death and the prisons,

I am sure that your big eyes,

as when I kiss them,

will then close with pride,

into double pride, love,

with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before

to wear down the tour

of the sweet and hard love which binds us,

and they will say: "The one

you love,

is not a woman for you,

Why do you love her? I think

you could find one more beautiful,

more serious, more deep,

more other, you understand me, look how she's light,

and what a head she has,

and look at how she dresses,

and etcetera and etcetera".

And I in these lines say:

Like this I want you, love,

love, Like this I love you,

as you dress

and how your hair lifts up

and how your mouth smiles,

light as the water

of the spring upon the pure stones,

Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me

but only not to lack during every day of life.

I don't know anything about light, from where

it comes nor where it goes,

I only want the light to light up,

I do not ask to the night

explanations,

I wait for it and it envelops me,

And so you, bread and light

And shadow are.

You came to my life

with what you were bringing,

made

of light and bread and shadow I expected you,

and Like this I need you,

Like this I love you,

and to those who want to hear tomorrow

that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,

and let them back off today because it is early

for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them

a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf

which will fall on the earth

like if it had been made by our lips

like a kiss which falls

from our invincible heights

to show the fire and the tenderness

of a true love.

I can hear the pounding of the wind and rain against the window and remember that all my precious supplies are out in the elements. I rest the book on the floor with my empty wine glass, turn off the light just in case he wakes up and make my way to the porch. There are six bags in total and two boxes. I carry it all into the kitchen and make head or tails of it, trying to fit it all into the very small kitchen. I pull an able out of the box and take a huge bite. It is sweet and tart and juicy, just what I needed. I make quick work of the apple and throw the core out the window into the bushes. I put on a pot of coffee because it's going to be a long night. I fry myself an egg and make some toast with jam. I am starving and haven't eaten a bite all day, the anticipation was just too much. I inhale the meal eager to get back to Amy. Eager to finish what I started all those years ago.

The door in new and heavy, it's a bitch to open and I have to put some force behind it. When I step into the room and I see her moving, the light flooding from behind me. My heart stops in my chest as my eyes lock with hers. It takes me moment to absorb what is happening.

"Hello Love… You're finally awake. Good, very good. How are you feeling? Do you want some water?" She peers at me and tries to move, I can see the fear spread across her face when she realizes she is naked and chained to the bed. Her eyes look around at all my hard work and efforts, I want her to feel at home, I want her to remember how things used to me. "I am sorry about the restraints Love, they are a necessary Evil I am afraid." I need her to speak, to hear her voice in person but she says nothing. She closes her eyes tightly, her body shaking and then she starts to beg, tears streaming down her face. Asking me to let her go pulling in the chains like a rabid animal.

"There is no one around for miles and this room is soundproofed, scream all you want." She is trying to unnerve me, one of her games. Nothing has changed. Her hysteria grows as she begins to scream over and over that she can't be tied up, that she can't breathe. She is calling out for Will over and over and my stomach turns up in knots, my dinner turning sour. I slam the door behind me double locking it; I can still hear her faintly through the door. I beast is trying to come out, I can feel him clawing at me from the inside but I am the one who needs to be in control. I need air and space. I stand out in the cold pounding rain, drenched in seconds and let out a long scream as I start to run, anything I can do to keep the beast at bay.


	104. Chapter 104 - Will

Song Inspiration: Warning Sign, Coldplay

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So first of I just want to say that I have finally hit 300+ followers! Holy shit guys thank you! And a special thank you to #300 jgirl27!

I am behind on all of my reviews and PMs but I am trying to respond to them all...If I haven't gotten to yours yet thank you so much, the response to these last chapters has been so amazing and your reviews are the reason I keep on writing.

Another shout out to my Facebook girls who have been perfectly pestering me to post a chapter... it is because of them that this got posted a whole day early!

I am sooooo close to 1000 reviews... so please please please review...

This is a Will chapter, which is usually my happy place in this story but this one was really hard to write and then easy at the same time because Will is so unguarded.

I hope you like it... I feel like you will... Will's mind is a really great place even when his is a mess.

XOXO PPP

* * *

Chapter 104: Will

I wake up to another day in the bleak darkness of the early morning. Seven days in total. Seven days she has been gone. Seven days she has been with him. Seven fucking days where God knows what is happening to her. Is she in pain? Is she crying? Is he touching her? Is he raping her? Is she even alive? The idea that Amy is not drawing breath on this earth is almost worse then if she is because if she is alive then she is… I can't even allow myself to think about it. The bile rises in my throat, the rage and the hate sits in my belly and leaves a bad taste. And this is all that I have to feed, this has become my energy. I am fueled by pain, and regret and the promise of payback. I am fueled by the hope of reunion.

Simon Archer, a man that I have never met, a man who has dominated my life, my mind and now my wife. He has her in his grasp and there is not a single thing I can do about it. The thought chokes me, it grabs my throat and wraps its hands so tighty that air is just not possible. I wake up night after night in a cold sweat with Amy's names on my lips gasping for breath. The nightmares are so vivid and so real, I can see her lying on a bed in a darkened room. She is naked and beaten, bloody and bruised. The air smells like fear and sex, vanilla and toothpaste. Amy is saying my name, she is crying out for me, begging to save her but I am frozen. In an instant all the air is sucked out of the room, everything goes black and all I can hear is him laughing as she screams.

I got out of my bed and wandered through our empty apartment, I could still smell her in the air. I can hear her laughter echoing through the rooms. I can see her standing at the sink blowing a stray strand of hair off her face while she is washing dishes. I can hear her singing in the shower. I can feel her in our bed. Fuck, I can feel her in my fucking arms right now. Seven days ago she was here with me, my body wrapped around hers, moving in tandem like blades of uncut grass in the wind. Seven days ago we lived in fear but we lived together. Seven days ago we had it all because we had each other. Seven days… Seven fucking days. How more will pass before I see her again? Ten? Thirty? A hundred? A lifetime of days?

I keep playing it over and over in my mind. How did this happen? How did she slip through my fingers? Slowing recounting all the steps that brought us here. Writing it all down, trying to make sense of the puzzle. All the planning, training, security, it was all for fucking nothing. How did we not see this coming? Santana has made it his personal mission to find her, all his men have been taken off his other jobs, their singular mission to find Amy. He feels just responsible for her loss as I do. Leigh and Billy were the perfect targets really, their security detail was a one man job, their security footage secondary but their lives more valuable to Amy then her own. Why didn't we plan for that? Billy and Leigh were the weak point, the Trojan horse and we didn't even see it coming from that angle.

Their description of their assailant came up empty. Billy was beaten badly because he fought, the butt of a gun giving him concussion. Leigh faired better with a few scrapes a bruises. Tony's neck was broken. Santana thinks he didn't even see it coming, who ever Simon hired was a professional. A hard core snap your neck from behind without you even knowing it professional. I always saw it as me and Archer toe to toe, head on. But I was a fucking idiot to think that way, to think that there would be some honor in our battle.

My birthday was a perfect distraction. Was that planned, did Archer lay in wait or was it simple a case of lucky timing? The phone call, if she wouldn't have answered did he have another plan? Laurel and Jeff would they have been next? Amy thought, no Amy thinks that Dino is dead. Her letter said so. That fucking letter, it was a relief when the FBI took it away as evidence but the words are burned into my memory.

… I am sorry I came into your life and caused you so much pain…

She couldn't really think that, believe that she brought me pain. She brought me life and love, happiness and contentment. I can't get those words out of my damn head. Was my life more complicated because of Amy, probably. But I wouldn't trade that for anything, I can't even remember my life before she walked into my building. It hazy, sad, lonely memory. A string one nighters and wasted time.

…Be happy, live and love and go on, no matter what happens…

Go on? Be happy? Love who? Live how? It's not possible. It's unbearable. Unthinkable. I don't want a life if Amy is not in it, I don't even know how I could go on. When you find the person who you are made to love, the person who takes hold of your heart and gives it life and breath you don't let go. You hold on to every last word, every image, every smell and sound. You hold on for dear fucking life, until the wall crash down around you, and your fingers are bloody. You hold on no question, no pain, no fear.

I keep watching her over and over again on the security video, looking right at the camera telling me she was sorry and that she loved me. It's like a knife in the chest each time. She looked so calm and resolved to what was happening, what going happen. She was so much stronger then she even realized, stronger then me that's for sure. She gave her life over to the monster that tortured her for days to save her parents.

Rewind, play, rewind play… over and over, torturing myself. I'm sorry and I love you… A small smile, a slight nod of her head and then she was gone, the night swallowed her whole. Maybe the last moment I will ever see her. I keep trying to convince myself otherwise but every hour that passes it gets harder and harder. I know that the first forty eight hours are the most important, I know that by day seven the trail is cold and it less about finding her and more about finding him. But there is something telling that she is alive… I can feel her heart beating. I can feel it my chest. Amy is alive. I am holding on.

The worst part is no one has a fucking clue where they are. The FBI, the police useless, even Chiyo and his team are coming up empty. Dino, Jeff, Billy and I have formed our own search party, but we have less than nothing. The FBI held Frankie for two damn days despite his alibi holding up and he didn't say a god dammed word. One day when all is said and done I am going to kill Frankie… I am going to look into his eyes and my face is going to be the last thing he ever sees. I know that he knows where they are. I know it deep in my bones.

The press has camped outside my door, everyday starts and ends with them hounding me with questions and flashbulbs. Tracey wanted me to come out and stay with her, but I needed to be home. I needed Amy's things around me. Her notebooks and her nightshirts and her glasses. Her fucking glasses… I mean how is going to read without them? Fuck. Just fuck. I can't do this without her, I can't live without her. Her wedding rings have not left my little finger, I keep twisting them over and over as if turning them can somehow turn back the hands of time and bring her back to me.

I keep finding little bits of paper, her small handwriting haphazardly scrawled with the trappings of her beautiful mind. Quotes that she liked, words and their definitions, love notes to me, poems that would flow from her mind like water, thoughts, dreams… Breadcrumbs scattered around, tucked away in corners, on fridge, in drawers, stuck to the cork board in the kitchen. Peeking out of the pages of her journal. Even one or two in my wallet when I wasn't looking. It is almost like she left here for me to find. Like she knew that one day she would be gone and I would need to be reminded that goodness and light existed, that she existed. That hope existed. This morning I pulled this out of my sock drawer. A small sketch of a bird in the corner, ragged edges of loose leaf paper pulled out of a random note book. I run my finger over the words, feeling the embossment of the paper, picturing her writing in the wee hours of the morning, glasses on, hair in a bun. Amy at her best.

_I once knew the wind, and the wind once knew me._

_I used to fly in the light and in the sky, when the wind and I were free._

_Freedom is a fickle thing, a garden you must tend. A dying sparrow always knows when the flying time will end._

_Time stands still for no one. What's lost won't be found again._

_Darkness shadows goodness for what does not break will always bend._

_But remember all the freedom, remember wind, because the time we spent together will never come again._

_Time stands still for no one, what will be will be._

_Strength can come from little things, as long as they are free._

I have held strong for seven days, I have fought the tears and the rage that have been brewing inside of me, beating my insides like I was poor Irving. But somehow this scrap of paper, these words have ripped me open because she always knew that this was going to happen. This is why she left my apartment the night of our first date, why we went months without one another because she knew that one day we would be parted by things beyond our control and it would hell. I can't tell how long I cried or even a thought that was in my head, it felt like a drug induced black out. But when I came out of it I was on the floor of our bedroom, half dressed, my socks in one hand her scrap of paper in the other and the sun was up.

I have been thinking about my dad a lot too. I wish he was here. He could have kept her safe. He would have found her already. He had a way of making everything okay. I can feel him too, and it is fucking freaking me out. I am not the guy who believes in spirits, ghosts and past lives. We live and we die and who the fuck knows what happens before or after. But since Amy has been gone I feel my dad, and I am not going to question that feeling. Maybe its like a self soothing thing, or one of Dalton's fancy "coping mechanisms" Whatever I don't care what it is I feel like he is trying to guide me or show me something but I just can't see.

* * *

"Pop… you here?" I pushed open the old screen door that was in dire need of a new screen and a coat of paint and was assaulted by the stench of old cigarettes and stale coffee. The smell of my childhood home. It was oddly comforting and relaxing, I could feel the tension ease out of my shoulders the moment my boots hit the old brown shag carpeting.

"Yeah buddy boy… I am in the kitchen." He was sitting at the table in all his 6'5 glory in his velour robe and boxers, three days worth of a beard, reading the paper drinking his coffee, a cigarette burning in the ashtray Trace had made him in Girl Scouts when she was seven. Chipped, broken twice but glued back together by his expert hands. "Ain't you a sight for sore eyes… where you been hiding all these weeks?"

"I've been around. Working on a case…" I was having a rough time and I needed to remember who I was not who I was pretending to be. Two weeks in and the case was not going well. Maybe I was not cut out for this undercover work after all. Maybe I should listen to Dino and focus on being detective. Maybe that should be the goal.

Two more kids ended up in the morgue, Franco's crew was growing by the day and Maria was still cold as ice. I spent a week sitting on a bar stool eating rice and beans, drinking beer trying to get her to crack a smile and was still coming up empty. All my usual tried and true tricks were not working, its like she was immune to my charms. It made sense though, growing up how she did. Father in jail, controlling mother fighting to keep her family afloat and unpredictable and erratic brother who sampled his own stash. Maria was quiet, and calm. She gave off a soothing energy but there was also a fire there. I have watched her cut down a few guys from my crew and damn that girl was sharp. I have to be honest, I lucked out. Maria was beautiful. Long dark hair, deep brown eyes, amber colored skin. Her ass was a sight to behold, if there was a hall of fame for asses she would have been the inaugural member. Fuck she would have been the only member. I would have hit on her regardless.

"Yeah… what kinda case?"

"A case…" Rule one of undercover, tell no one. Rule number two, tell no one. Lying to my dad was never easy for me. Even when it came to sneaking girls and pot in my room as a kid I always came clean. He looked at me over his reading glasses and took a long pull on his cigarette. I could feel his old detective instincts kicking in and it was almost like he was reading my damn mind.

"They got their hooks in ya didn't they… I bet they got you undercover now? Am I right, come on tell your old man that he's right."

"Yeah…yeah, you're right…narcotics…"

"Narcotics huh." I can see the concern in his eyes and he fold his paper and rests it on the old rubber wood table. "Who you working with… Santana or Jessup?"

"Jessup… Santana is on another case I think."

"Jessup is good, but he will stab you in the back to save his own ass so be careful with that one. This is what you wanted right?"

"Yeah. I mean I have worked hard for this… it's just different then I thought…"

"Lying always is son. It ain't easy pretending but this is what you have trained for. Just be smart and safe."

"Anyway how you feeling?"

"Like shit."

"Well you're not supposed to be smoking these."

"Yeah yeah. I switched to lights."

"Dad you heard the doctors."

"Did you came here to give me shit… or make me breakfast?"

"Eggs?"

"Bacon?'

"No bacon dad…maybe potatoes if you don't piss me off."

"So what's the problem? You can't break through?"

"Dad you know I can't talk to you about this."

"Yeah yeah. I know… I am not asking for details. But I know a thing or two about a thing or two."

"I am having trouble getting my foot into the front door so to speak. I have tried it all and nothing is working."

"Here's the thing, doing what you're doing… your old tricks ain't gonna work son because this is not you. Ya hear what I am sayin? This is not about you. It's about the target, the goal. You need to adjust, to shift and become what they are lookin' for because they are sure as hell not gonna become what you are lookin' for. Once you figure out what they want, you give it to them… That's how you get your foot, your leg, your head and then your ass in the door… but once you're all in, you're all in. So…like I said be smart and be safe."

"How do I figure out what they want? " I reach into the fridge and grab the eggs, cheese and bread and set the skillet on the stove. Dad sits up in his chair and starts talking with his hands, I am in for it now. Dad is about to lay down the World According to Jimmy White.

"It's simple really… in life people want one of three 'tings… love, money, safety…it all boils down to that… sex, power, protection… Trust, respect, home… they all fall into the same categories respectively. You figure out which category your person falls in and you give em what they want. You see where I am going with this…"

"Yeah Pop I think I do…"

"One more 'ting though…and this is the real kick in the pants…You want something from each category, You wants trust, power and safety… Three 'tings is hard to get…Don't let them ever figure out what it is your looking for… cause once they do your done."

* * *

I walked in to Valencia's with a new intent and purpose. To figure out what Maria wanted. I already knew what Franco wanted, he was in the power, money, respect category. He was easy. But Maria, what she was looking for I really didn't know. As usual dad was right. She was the key.

"Hey Maria. Can I get a draft?" I pull off my jacket and toss it on the stool next to me taking a much needed seat. Working construction sucks, hands down the hardest work I have ever done. I crack my neck and grab a handful of peanuts from the bowl.

"One draft coming right up." She smiles as she places the pint in front of me. I imagine that am looking at her for the first time with a new eye. What does she want, what does she dream about? For one she looks tired, and maybe even a little sad despite the smile on her face. I can't imagine that her dream in life was to sling beers in her brothers little drug front. Did she want to be a singer, a dancer? Maybe she wanted to be a paralegal on Park Avenue, but I am pretty sure Maria didn't want this. She is a simple girl, no makeup or jewelry, hair in a ponytail. Jeans and a tee-shirt are her daily uniform. There is a fresh bruise on her forearm right above her elbow and it looks like a hand print. I know from her file that she does not have a boyfriend so its safe to say the bruise came from her brother, maybe even her mother.

Maybe it is safety she is looking for more then love, asylum and an escape from this place. Maybe friendship is the way in, protection, home.

"You eating tonight Sean?" I still am not used to people calling me Sean, it's a mind-fuck at work. A ceiling caved in over my head last week because I didn't move when someone yelled out for me to move… and my me I mean "Sean".

"Yeah…uh… let's do a burger and fries tonight… something different…" I take a sip of my cold beer as I watch her walk away and then it hits me, she is the caretaker. "Hey Maria? Can you do me a favor?" She turns on her heel with her hands on her hips, taking a defensive stance.

"What?"

"My neck is killing me… Can I get a rag with some ice?" Her face softens a bit and her brow furrows, that was so not what she was expecting me to ask. She mutters something in Spanish and fills a bar towel with crushed ice, tying it in a knot handing it to me with a smile.

"Thanks… I appreciate it." I can't help the moan that escapes when the cold hits my muscles.

"You're working at the site down the street right?"

"Yup… demo is a bitch…"

"Yeah, your guys have been in here a lot…"

"Well then I apologizes in advance… most of them are assholes…"She laughs, for the first time I got a laugh.

"I am not gonna argue with you there. You want an Advil or something?"

"Oh my god yes… thank you!"

"I gotta go in the back… Don't let any one steal anything while I am gone."

After that night the dye was cast, Maria was looking for safety, protection, home and I was the man who was going to give it to her.

* * *

This is payback, I see that now. Everything that I have done in my life coming back to haunt me. I am paying for Maria's life with Amy's because if I have learned one thing in all my years it is that you give for what you take.

I am fighting this battle inside my chest. I want to get high. I want to sit in a room for a week with a bag of coke and a bottle of Jack and never come out. I want feel dead and alive at the same time. I can feel it like seed growing in my soul. The only thing keeping me from the crossing the line is the search for Amy, the dwindling hope that we will finder her today… tomorrow…

I throw on my jeans, a sweater and some boots. Dino will be here soon and we will do what we have done for the last seven days…Nothing and everything.

* * *

"You look like shit Will."

"Fuck you Dino, you think you look any better?"

"Probably not."

"Anything new?"

"Not really, The FBI traced some money back to a phony company in Thailand but so far that come up empty."

"You don't think she is in Thailand do you?"

"I don't think so but honestly she could be next door and we wouldn't have a clue."

* * *

Just a few 'tings... This story takes place in Queens... we all talk funny there... As you can See Will's dad as a bit of an accent... I hope that came across...

Also the poem that Will finds is something I wrote when I was seventeen... many many moons ago. I found it recently and it floored me how perfect it was for this story with a slight modification...

Okay, that's enough of me, I am off to read paging Dr. Steele!

Please review! XOXO PPP


	105. Chapter 105 - darkness

Song Inspiration: I Gave It All, Mumford and Sons.

* * *

This was a huge week for D&W, I hit 300+ followers and 1000+ reviews. Doing so caused me to look back to the first tentative days of posting this story. My very first follower was Lala Loopise, who is now my beta, confidant and friend... My first review was from Red Writer... Meggan-sa has also been with me from the beginning and is now to a friend on the other side of the world... SmileRose, NickJonas,Cole,Huds, Forever Divine... You guys were all there in the beginning urging me on... I spent some time to day reflecting back and Amy, Will and Simon have come very far... but road is not nearly traveled. To all of my readers and reviewers, thank you for your kindness and support.

I am posting this chapter but I don't really feel like it is done yet... I reserve the right to rework and report at a later date... Let me know what you think... It's a pivotal moment in the love affair between Amy and Simon.

XOXO PPP

* * *

Chapter 105 - Darkness

I wake up on the porch, drenched to the bone and shivering. The sun is peeking through the dark grey clouds and today it begins. I couldn't stand to be in the small confines of the house last night. Having her there wanting him, saying his name over and over again was just too much for me to endure. I ran for mile after mile back and forth along the beach, the rain hitting my body with painful force. The pain kept me focused and my mind sound. I can feel my seams beginning to stretch and tear, my careful constructed self-control waning. I can't allow that to happen, I need to stay strong. I need to be Simon, just Simon.

I know it is impossible to hear her screams, the room is soundproofed but my soul could hear her crying all night, hour after long hour. I could hear the clatter of the chains against the metal bed and her whimpers when she could scream no more. And then the silence came with the rising sun.

I pull my aging achy body off of the worn wooden boards and crawl into shower. I stand under the spray of water for what feels like an hour before I am able to move. I go through the motions, wash my hair, my body and wank off, in dire need of a release. In my mind she is in here with me, it is her hand stroking my cock not my own and I come more profoundly because of that thought.

I stand before the mirror naked and see myself with a fresh eye. I wish I could shave. The man in the mirror looks like a stranger, but this image before me is more indicative of the man that lives inside. The thick unruly beard, and greying hair, gaunt cheeks, blood shot eyes. My once powerful body is a shadow of its former self, thinner and leaner, the muscles not remembering how they used to be. How will she ever want me like this? I dress in jeans and a sweatshirt and pull on a pair of wellies. It's nearly eight by the time I am ready to see her.

I stand at the door to her room and I don't have the balls to turn the knob. I run the tips of my fingers in small circles against the cold metal door. I try to feel her thought it, but there is nothing and I wonder if she can feel me. She always could before, so attuned to my presence. I push my body away from the door and violently beat my forehead with the flats of my palm until the noise in my head stops. I am not ready. This feels wrong all of it. I am not ready. I need food and strong tea and some time to think.

I pad through the small kitchen and make a conscious decision to keep my mind focused and my actions simple. Fill the kettle and turn on the burner, get a teacup and saucer from the cupboard, two tea bags and two sugars, bread in the toaster and two soft boiled eggs in a small pot of water on the stove beside the kettle. Butter the toast, cut it into strips, crack the top of the eggs, just so. Salt and pepper. Pluck the teabags out of the cup and throw them in to the sink. Simple, easy attainable goals.

I sit in silence; the only sound an errant seagull croaking outside and enjoy what I have prepared. I relish each bite and sip, taking my time, not wanting to rush anything. The anticipation is as great as the moment.

I walk the short hallway once again. I don't allow myself a moment of doubt; I slip the key in the door with eager hands and a full heart. I open the door to her room, waiting for an onslaught of anger and rage, longing for Amy's stubborn side to rear its ugly head in my direction. I have missed it so. Her fight and her fire, her will and pride. But that is not want I find.

There is an eerie calm in the darkened room, her body lying rigidly on its side, her legs curled up to her chest. The chains are short enough to keep her on the bed but long enough to offer her a range of motion. Frankie and I spent a good deal of time finding just the right length. She does not respond to my presence and when I sit in the chair beside her bed my heart stills. Something has broken in her, this is not the silence she subjected me to last time, the quiet protest of defiance. She is a hollow shell, lying there still in her bed. Her bright eyes are blank; the fire of emotion is not even a glowing ember. Amy stares off into the abyss, she looks right through me. It is like I don't exist, like she does not exist. My touch and my kiss don't break this hold over her and fear takes over me. Nothing is going how I planned it, nothing.

I have been tending to her like she is a bird with a broken wing. For days she will not move, or eat or drink. She mutters something over and over, a song I think, and at least she has stopped saying his name. Tears drip from her eyes but there is no tangible emotion behind them, it is like a crying statue of the Virgin Mary.

Day goes into night I lay beside my love, holding her close, spooning her like I know she likes, she feels heavy in my arms. Every hope and dream I had for our first days together has disappeared and all I want is to take care of her and keep her well.

* * *

I had spent the night with Lilith in my bed. I had lied to Amy and said I had too much work to do and that she was too great of a distraction. Honora was unwilling to bend and my father and I were plotting a millions ways to break him, we had just under a month until his return and we had to be ready. It was only half a lie, not that it made it any better. Amy didn't put up much of a fight at our impending distance and that saddened me, the thought that she possibly relished a night apart or maybe she knew of my betrayal. She always knew me better then I knew myself.

In the months we had been together Amy kept me very satisfied in mind and body and soul, even the beast was satiated for the most part but I needed something that Amy could not provide and Lilith always could. I hated myself in the moment for being unfaithful, but wasn't that the point. Amy was making me feel happy, safe and fulfilled but I also felt unworthy and undeserving of her love and adoration. It's funny how I bent over backwards to secure those very two things, her love and adoration and the shame of that is what called another woman to my bed.

I fucked Lilith just how she liked it, like an animal, for hours with no regard to her body, no rules, no safe word, no limits. Lilith left in the night covered in bruises and welts, crying. It was a catharsis for her as well. That was our divine bond, the need to relive our respective rapes over and over again only this time it was of our choosing.

I could never show Amy that side of myself; she would leave me for sure. She could never truly see dark and ever present side of me that not only needed to dominate and debase, but needed domination and debasement. The teenage boy trapped within my body that needed to inflict pain without the boundaries of love and trust. I had shown her glimpses and she obliged but there were always limits, always an end in sight. Amy could always bring me back from the brink.

I was left alone in my bed with only my thoughts; the acidic stank of shame and sex in the air, Lilith's screams echoing through my empty apartment. The delicate threads of her silky blonde hair still wound around my fingers, the palm of my hand stinging and swollen. My head was a mess of thoughts and sounds, remembering the days spent all those years ago, two men beating me and fucking me over and over. I couldn't do this with Lilith anymore, this vicious game of who is more fucked up. I keep going back when all I want is to move forward with Amy. I needed to put the past behind me once and for all. Maybe Amy was right. Maybe I should try therapy again. Amy was worth trying for; she was worth trying to fix what was broken for.

I took a burning hot shower in a vain attempt to wash the last few hours off my body and begin again. I dressed in Amy's favorite navy suit and royal blue tie. I would take her to lunch today, that French place that she loves so much and tell her of my plans. I couldn't wait to see the look on her face. I went into the office with a renewed sense of purpose and started googling a list of shrinks close to the apartment while I wanted for my love. Twenty minutes later my cell phone rang, a photo of Amy asleep in my bed popped up and I knew something was amiss.

"Love?"

"Simon…" Her voice was small and weak. My stomach dropped and I sat up in my chair.

"What's happened?"

"I'm sick, the flu. I have been throwing up all night. I can't come in today." I am a stupid fucking bastard. I spent the night fucking while Amy was sick and alone. I run my hand through my hair and scratch my scalp furiously.

"I will be there in ten minutes."

"No, Simon. No. I will be fine. I just need some sleep."

"Amy, I will be there in ten minutes. Not another word."

She came to the door as pale and tired as I had ever seen her. She stood before me in one of my undershirts and panties, sweating and shivering at the same time. I touched my hand to her forehead and chould almost hear the sizzle. She was burning up with a fever. She looked at me blankly and a lone tear falls off her cheek on to the floor.

"You were with Lilith last night weren't you? I can smell her Simon." Her voice gives way as she says my name; her small hand grasped her throat. The shame washed over me, and closed my eyes and nodded yes. There was no point in lying, Amy always knew. She turned away from me and ran to the bathroom; I could hear her wrenching and quickly followed. She was draped over the toilet, her head hung low, shaking, crying and began to wretch again. I slide beside her, holding her body against mine, pulling her hair off of her face. She slacks against me and I wrap both of my arms around her waist, her back to my front.

"Do you love her?"

"No, I only love you."

"Then I don't understand…"

"I need her…so I don't hurt you."

"You are hurting me, this hurts me." She pushes her palms against my thighs and lurches forward dry heaving, her stomach empty as my heart. She leans against me once again and begins to quietly sob.

"I know. But this is better than the alternative…trust me when I tell you that this is better. She means nothing, she is nothing…"

"And that's supposed to make me feel better." She looks at me with disgust and scrambles off the bathroom floor, leaning over the sink for support. I stand behind her, as we lock eyes in the mirror. The pain etched on her face mixed with her frail stance makes my cock harden and I hate myself that much more.

"Never again…" I mean it as the words leave my mouth; I want to believe that I Lilith is just a part of my past. She breaks our gaze and drops her head exhaling loudly. "Look at me, I swear to you never again." She nods once and I slowly lift her up into my arms, my lips pressed to the base of her throat and carry her to the bed. I lay her down gently and pull the covers up over shoulders.

"You sleep Love and I will take care of you."

Seven days of silence and tears. Seven days of her gazing off into the distance. Seven days of feeing her bits of food and drink. Seven days of peace. The noise in my head has stopped, having her here so close, depending on me for everything. It feels right somehow.

I have watched the press coverage of her disappearance. It has been non-stop for days now. Images of White and D'Elia walking to and from the apartment, the reporters sticking recorders in the faces, they look miserable. It's their turn now; I paid my penance, I know what it means to live a life without Amy in it. The world is clueless.

A few weeks from now the story will fade; Amy and I will be a fading memory to the world. A few months from now we will be far far away from this place, sitting on a beach. She will forgive me, I know she will and we will begin again. The world will forget us, but White and D'Elia will remember.

I sit beside her on the bed, my hand wrapped around hers, reading aloud like I have done for the last seven days. I should have had Frankie bring us some more books, when I think about the libraries that are sitting in waste my brain hurts. Needing a break from Neruda I chose Walt Whitman, something different. Amy loved American poets, she was always scribbling away in her books. I of course chose the British ones, Thomas, Tennyson, Byron, Keats like any good British school boy worth his weight. So today I would battle through the droning's of Whitman because this was not about me. This was about Amy.

_"Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you._

_You must travel it by yourself._

_It is not far. It is within reach._

_Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know._

_Perhaps it is everywhere - on water and land."_

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起死回生

I feel like I am floating, drifting in and out over the open water. I can't hear or feel, think or see. Everything is an abyss of blankness and silence. Am I dead? Is this what death feels like? Floating? Nothing? Hours and days, minutes and seconds all blur and become one. I can taste food and cold water, and then the feeling of hands and the heat of bodies. It feels like comfort and I remember Will. Will is the reason I know that I am not dead. I am alive and breathing. I am here.

I feel cold, it is the first moment I am aware of my body, the first moment I am truly aware of it again. The battle of voices begins in my head. Will urging me to open my eyes and see and Simon's pulling me back into the odd safety of darkness. I feel like this goes on for days, the war rages and battles are won and lost. I feel the heat of his hand wrapped around mine, his thumbs making small circles on my inner wrist, the place where my tattoo lives. My connection to Will and the life with share together. When all else is gone, when I am naked and broken, lost and alone my skin will always remember.

_"Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you._

_You must travel it by yourself._

_It is not far. It is within reach._

_Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know._

_Perhaps it is everywhere - on water and land."_

My eyes open…and I can see.

_ 起死回生_

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I feel her for the first time and a chill spreads through my body, the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and there is a faint hum in my ears. Amy's soul has returned to her body. The book falls from my hands to the floor. Her eyes are full of fire and light; they look right at me with the intensity and anger I have craved. She pulls her hand away from mine and realizes she is still chained. Amy looks at her bound hands and then back to me. Is she going to speak or will I be denied once more. I can feel the energy crackle between us as time stops.

"Simon…" He voice is raspy and weak but she has said my name. I lean forward resting my elbows on the bed so I can hear her better. "You sick fuck…" I smile and then laugh I cannot help myself. This is going to be very fun indeed.

"Hello to you too Love."

"Don't you call me that…Don't you dare."

"You are not really in a position to do much about it are you… Love?" She resides herself to the fact that she bound and mine, I wait for her to submit to it and the moment she does washes over me and I feel powerful once again.

"Why are you doing this…Why?"

"I love you…This is the only way." I run my hand over her forehead and hair and am delighted when she does not flinch for cower away. "I have missed you Amy and I know you have missed me. Despite all that has happened between us, you have missed me these years." She closes her eyes and exhales deeply; a minute passes maybe more before her green eyes open again.

"I did miss you in the beginning…" That was all I needed, a glimmer of hope and a promise of a beginning.

"I knew you did, I could feel you for months, smell you, and taste you."

"Simon don't…don't sit there and pretend that those days didn't happen, you have me chained to a bed and a replica of my room! What are you trying to do here…If you want to kill me do it now… I can't endure this again." Her body starts to shake and the tears bloom in her eyes falling off her cheeks.

"I don't want to kill you Amy, I will if I have too but it's my hope that we can begin again. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to love me again."

"I could never love you Simon… Look at my body… Look at what you did to me…"

"It wasn't me, you know it wasn't me…"

"It was you, trust me… I was there I remember."

"It was not me… I could never hurt you, you must see that… I was sick but I am better now!" She was not listening, not hearing me. Couldn't she see all I had done for her?

"You can't expect me to love and trust you again while you keep me chained naked to a fucking bed!" She is yelling now, sitting up slightly, I know the cuffs are cutting into her wrists causing her pain and that is not what I want.

"You are cuffed to the bed because I don't trust you! I don't trust you to try and forgive me!"

"You don't trust me. That is fucking rich Simon… I want my clothes! I want to pee! You cannot to this to me again… you can't beat me and rape me into loving you again… I will try to forgive you but not like this." Her anger becomes my fuel, what I have been missing and craving. I grasp her face in my hands and reclaim her mouth. She is frozen as I kiss her with a passion I have forgotten, and then in a moment of divine intervention she returns my kiss with a tentative mouth. We break apart, both panting, I have to rest my hands in my head to regain a shred of myself.

"You will try, you mean that… You will try?"

"Yes Simon I will try. But you can't do that again. The next time you kiss me or touch me, it can only be if I allow it…If it's my trust that you want then you have to earn that."

"I understand, but that goes both ways. I will keep you chained until I trust you. I have longer ones so you can walk around the room and go the bathroom. But until I feel your love, this is where you will remain. Do you understand?"

"Yes Simon… I understand…"


	106. Chapter 106- White

Inspiration Songs: Lullaby, Dixie Chicks & You Could be Happy, Snow Patrol. Links on Twitter and Facebook.

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Sorry this chapter is a day late... I will be posting D&W every Sunday around 9:00. Father's Day and a Family graduation (along with a moderate hangover got in the way)

Once again to my FB ladies THANK YOU for your amazing pestering to post my chapters and to everyone reading and reviewing you're amazing...XOXO PPP

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Chapter 106: White

"Hey Baby…" I call out to her sitting up slightly on the bed. I hear the soft shuffle of her feet and the music of her breath in the darkness before I see the outline of her body and I shift in anticipation as I pull back the sheets to our bed.

"Hey Bear." Even though I can't see her face, I know she is smiling. She slides in beside me her hair ticking my arm, and I inhale deeply, realizing how much I have missed the smell of her hair. Her pillow now no longer enough to remind me that she was ever here at all. She moans in relief the moment our bodies touch, her soft full breasts pressing against my chest, our breath aligning, in and out. Her breath is my breath and my breath is her breath. Amy nuzzles into me, her nose running through the hair on my chest she has missed my smell too. It feels so real to me the moment Amy's feet cold rest against my calves in search of heat. She wraps her arms and body around me and I can feel my heart rate slow down and my body relaxes.

The pain in my heart is bordering on unbearable. The longing I feel, the emptiness without her. It even worse than how I miss my father, it is somehow more profound losing your soul mate, your other half.

"I miss you baby."

"I miss you too." Her voice cracks and I can feel her body start to shake against mine, her warm tears on my shoulder. I hold her as tight as I can because my mind understands that she is not really here beside me but my heart and my body have yet to catch up. When we are like this I pray that the night never ends and that she holds on to me for as long possible. She has come to me like this before, at first I thought I was just a dream but I know it is something more than just a dream because when I wake up I can still feel her, smell her. Drinking helps, she comes more often when I am drunk and everything is more vivid and real.

It's been a month now, a long, hard, miserable month without her. The story has faded from the news, the reporters no longer at my door day and night. Last I heard the FBI is convinced that is dead, but Dino and I refuse to accept that. I would know if she was, I would feel it just like I feel here lying next to me today.

We are following every lead and every shread of Intel we can find and all we have are scraps. Chiyo sent a team to Thailand to follow a pretty strong lead, we had hope for a week but that went cold too. I can't imagine that they could just fall off the face of the earth. They are somewhere.

"Tell me where you are and I will come and find you." I ask her this same question each and every time and her answer is always the same.

"I don't know Will, I just don't know." For a moment I get odd sensation, everything is different I feel like she is a ghost instead of an apparition. A surge of panic pumps though my body, Amy senses it and is quick to ease my mind. Taking my face in her hands she kisses the corner of my mouth and pulls my eyes to hers. The light is dim, only the moon the stars though the window, and of course the light that has always shined from her eyes even though sadness.

"Look at me Will, I am here. Okay… I am here…No matter what." She sings to me like she always does and I remember she and I dancing a life time ago in Tracy's living room the night we made love for the first time.

_…As you wander through this troubled world_

_In search of all things beautiful_

_You can close your eyes when you're miles away_

_And hear my voice like a serenade…_

"Amy I am so sorry. This is all my fucking fault. I promised you over and over that I would keep you safe and well. And I failed you."

"Don't say that. You didn't fail me, you made me strong, you're the reason Will. Look, I don't have much time let's not waste it okay. Just hold me until you wake up, just hold me." I can feel her fading, and I know the sun is starting to rise. I pull her as close as I possibly can.

"I don't know if I can do this Amy. I don't know how much longer I can last."

"I know, that's why I'm here. You have to stay strong no matter what happens. No matter what you hear or see. You have to stay strong."

"I am trying but... I need it baby..."

"No you don't, you want it…Want is not need... You need to stay strong, for me… for you..." I need to stay strong. It's laughable really because my weakness has always been the strongest part about me. I let Amy down, I let Maria down. My father my sister, even Dino, I let them all down because I am weak and useless. "Stop it will! Stop thinking like that you are not weak and you are not useless. You have a lion inside of you!"

My eyes open and my arms are empty. I can still feel her cold feet against my legs even though I am alone and my heart dies just a little bit more. I start to miss all over again, everything we've ever said or done playing over in my head. I go through the motions of the morning. I use the bathroom, brush teeth, shower and dress. Make a pot of coffee and choke down bowl of cereal. Check my cell phone, looking for what I don't know. I turn on the news to see if the world knows something about Amy that I don't. And then the waiting begins.

Dino shows up at ten, he took a leave of absence from the force and has been here every day, Jeff and Billy come at night in shifts, Charlie and Tracey on the weekends. Everyone making sure I don't slip. Dino has a key and we don't bother with the hellos or niceties. We both hate each other now; because we both love Amy and we failed her, me more then him on both counts.

I pour him a cup of coffee and watch as he goes to the wall. I remember the all the times fucked my wife against it but now every scrap and bit if Intel we have amassed has been taped and pined to it. A puzzle that none of us can figure out. He takes a sip of his coffee and rests it on the dining room table, something is off with him and that is not a good sign.

Dino takes a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket and turns to me, his expression is unreadable. "Will I gotta tell you something and I uh... I am not sure how to do it."

My heart freezes to literal ice in my chest and everything stops. He is going to tell me Amy is dead, in the few seconds of silence that thought plays over and over in my head a thousand times. For a brief moment I feel relief and then horror and shame for even thinking such a thing. My face must show my conflict because he rests his hand in my shoulder. "There has been a Simon and Amy sighting."

"A what?!"

"These photos were sent to the FBI from Morocco, the photos were wiped, no finger prints, it's grainy and appears to be taken from a fair distance but..."

"Let me see the fucking photos!" My mind is racing, a Simon and Amy sighting, what the fuck does that mean? I grab them from his hand, half hoping it her because the people in the photos look... Happy. They are on a yacht and the sky behind them is bright and blue. The photos are hazy and it shows a man fitting Archer's description helping a woman who fits Amy's description on to the boat. The next one is the pair in an embrace and the final photo is them kissing. My stomach drops and I fight the urge to vomit. I look at them again, and I convince myself that they are not her, Archer maybe but that is not Amy. But if it is Archer then where is Amy?

"It's not them Dino. I would know Amy anywhere it's not them."

"I don't think so either but the FBI does. They are starting to think that Amy went willingly." He won't look me in the eyes as he says it and it's the smartest thing he has done all day.

"That is fucking crazy!" I roar unable to contain my anger. The thought that anyone would even think that she would willingly leave her life and her family for Simon fucking Archer is out of their mind.

"Yes yes it is. Calm down buddy, I am just telling you what I know, okay. We just need to do things a little differently now, is all. "

"So what the fuck happens now?"

"I don't really know. These pics… I shouldn't have them, I made friends with one of the guys working the case. These were a favor I will have to payback one day. I sent them to Honora and Santana. But honestly Will I don't know what else we can do. We've followed every lead and they all went cold. No movement from Frankie at all. His direct deposits have stopped..." His voice sounds hollow, devoid of all emotion. He is in cop mode, desensitizing himself, I have done it a thousand times so I can spot it a mile away.

"That means nothing. Frankie knows where they are."

"Probably but whatever Archer has on him...his alibi was clean. Thailand came up empty. I was thinking about heading there myself but Honora thinks it's a waste of time. I don't know what to say Will."

"I'll go to Thailand then."

"Will you can't it's the fucking drug capitol of the world. You would last there a week, you are barely hanging on now. And honestly, there is nothing there. You read the report Honora sent." We were able to trace some of Archer's Money from an unused account in Dubai, it lead to a fake corporation in Thailand FourArrow Holdings, fucking bastard thinks he's cute with the name. WE had a glimmer of hope, because in my bones I knew this was him. The "company" was an abandoned building and a phone line with an answering machine. After that there was nothing.

"Are you giving up?"

"No of course not but we have to be realistic. If that is Amy in the photo..."

"It's not Amy! She would never... Could never..."

"Ok Will. Ok. Just calm down. You need to keep it together because if the photos get leaked to the press they story is going to go viral again. You just need to open yourself up to the possibility that we may never know. I fucking hate to say this or even think it but it's been almost seven weeks. I almost hope that it was her in the photo."

"Get the fuck out Dino! You're giving up! And that's fine. You can give up because you have Rocco and Grace waiting for you on the other side of all this but Amy is everything to me."

"Will I am not giving up..."

"Get out and take your fucking photos with you." I was two seconds from kicking the living shit out of him. I would feel my muscles start to burn with adrenaline; I can feel it pumping thought me and it reminded me what it feels like to be high.

"I love her too will you are not the only one. But the thought that she has been with him this long and is still alive. Yeah okay I fucking hope it's her in these photos. I hope she is playing him like a fucking fiddle and finds her way back home. But until that day comes...I don't know where else to look… It's making me fucking crazy… This is what I do and I can't fucking find her!"

"Say it Dino… have the fucking balls and say it, you know you want to!" I pound my fist on the table, the pain shoots my knuckles but I ignore it and the wetness of blood that follows. He looks at me somewhat shock but then again not really, Dino knows my temper better then anyone. Instead of taking a step back he takes a large one forward. He has a temper too.

"Don't Will, let's not go here." His jaw is tight, and his fists are clenched in wait. We are moments away from a fight that has been brewing since the morning he found Amy in my apartment after the fight with her mother.

"Say it! I need to hear you say it."

"I don't need to say a fucking thing…You know…You just let her walk away like a fucking lamb to the slaughter. She is gone Will… I don't need to say a fucking thing! We had one fucking job to do… keep her safe and we all failed. I pray that she is that girl in the photo, because if that is not her…You didn't see her tied up…You don't really know what he is capable of…" I can see his body relax, and I know he blames me, he should it is my fault after all. I let her just walk away. I watched her go and smiled like fool.

"Get out and don't fucking some back. We are done Dino, you think she's dead or on a yacht, either way you have given up her. Go back to your life and your job and your kid… and poor Grace who knows you are in love with another man's wife and puts up with you anyway. Just get out." He looks me dead in my eye and I can feel the sadness and anger radiate off his body. Just like that nearly two decades of friendship disappears into the air. All the bonds that once held us untied.

"I will deal with Santana going forward, I think we need some distance Will, you're right about that. And if you ever say another fucking thing to me about Grace, you will regret it."  
He leaves the photos on the table along with his key and walks out if the apartment.

I felt trapped. Everything is so close but so fucking far away. I don't know how to handle any of this. I breathe and try to hear Amy's voice in my head. The way she laughs, the way she says my name, how she breathes when she is sleeping. All the little details are slipping away and it's only been a month. The photos sit on the table taunting me. I pick them up and pin them to the wall in a row and stare at them until my eyes hurt. Seven fucking weeks of this and I can't breathe. Thanksgiving came and went, my sister tried to get me out I the house and with the family. Everyone was there, Amy's family and mine, Dino and His. I couldn't bear the idea of sitting around eating turkey when Amy was out there somewhere. For a while the idea of Thanksgiving was cancelled all together only when Laurel said that we needed to stick together and stay strong did Tracey step up and take the bull by the horns. Now is a few weeks away from Christmas, Amy talked about that the things she wanted to do. We weren't together for the last year's holidays either.

I grab a beer from the fridge, my methadone I you will and sit on the foot of our bed and finally cry. I have held it together for weeks now but these photos are the straw because deep down at first glance it could very well be Archer and Amy. She couldn't possibly be happy with him while I am so miserable? I pull my cell phone out of my pocket weighing my options. I make a choice every minute of every day. I hear Sandra's voice come though the phone. Her usual chopper self. My voice is hoarse and I barely speak before she tells me that she will be right over and not to move.


	107. Chapter 107 - Darkness

Song Inspiration:Night Minds, Missy Higgins

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Hello! I know there has been much delay chapter and I apologize. I hope to be able to post on Sunday like I promised but these upcoming chapters are for lack of a better word brutal to write and I keep second guessing every word that makes the page.

To my Facebook ladies and amazing followers Thank You all for reading or reviewing. I have said this before but if it was not for you all i would have stopped writing long ago!

XOXO PPP

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I was just a boy and that is the hardest part to swallow. A boy. I had no past, no scars, no damage and no beast. I could have been anything and anyone, I was a clean white page of hope and possibility. I had everything to prove and I was more then up to the challenge. I wanted to be the master of my ship and to prove to my father that I was worthy of not only his love but also his respect. I wanted to make a name for myself and step out of the shadow of the Archer history. I wanted my father to look at me and see his equal. Looking back over my life and the choices I have made, everything has always been about my father. Sure I hated him even then. I knew he could never love me. His father never really loved him.

In those days my mind was focused on two very different things, proving my father wrong and sex. Sex was destroyed for me before I even had it, my "first" time was bloody and violent, painful torment. I remember how it felt having my hands bound behind my back, the tightness in my shoulders a deep burning pain with no hope of relief. The fear of the unknown was the worst part of it all. Death or the act of dying was my sanity, the light in a dark room because in death it would all be over. My pain would stop. The hunger would cease to exist. In death the shame I felt every time a cock was forced into my unwelcoming body, destroying my innocence with each stroke, would vanish. Knowing that every degrading moment was immortalized on tape and would live forever in my father's memory was unthinkable and death became a welcome friend.

Survival, the will to survive is stronger than the fear or hope, stronger then shame. The sub-conscious will to survive over rides the conscious fear to give up. No one knows how far they would go to live. No one. I died a thousand small deaths in those days but my will forced me to rise up and strike. Fate gave me opportunity but my will to live gave me the strength to fight and kill a man with my hands and eventually my teeth. I still wake up in the night and taste his blood in my mouth; I can feel the hot thick liquid on my lips and tongue. The light went out that day and it never really went back on, in that moment the beast was born. Not even loving Amy was enough and she was everything, she is everything.

I keep trying so hard to make it right, trying to make up for all the mistakes I have made. Sadly that's all I can really do is try and fail and try again. I need to keep calm and make her trust me, remind her how much she loves me and how much she has missed me. I am trying to keep the beast as far away from Amy as possible but some days it is just so bloody so hard. In the month she has been here I can see her trying to understand me, she allows me to sit on the foot of her bed while we drink our tea in the morning. We talk about things that don't really matter, we talk as if we don't have this painful shared past. I read to her like I always did, only now her head is not resting on my shoulder. In the day time it almost feels normal. It almost feels like we used to be but it is a lie because I hear her on the monitor in the night, crying herself to sleep, crying herself awake. She doesn't know that I can hear and see her; the room has full sound and video.

In the night when she is asleep she says his name over and over, Will… Will… Will… I know those cries, that yearning in the darkness, it's how I have felt for her all of these years. All the lonely nights I would call out for her, missing her and needing her and now she calls out for him. She sings for him too and it makes me crazy. The song is now stuck in my head and I find myself singing and humming it when I am alone.

…Is forever enough…cause I am never ever giving you up…

How can I make her mine again if she won't let me? How can I trust her if Will White is in her heart and dreams? The beast keeps telling me that I can't, that I should just end this now before it's too late. Before Frankie cracks and the police are knocking at my door waiting to take me back to prison. But I need her; I know what life is like without Amy in it and it is not a life I want to live.

All the weeks we have been here and so little progress real has been made. I had hoped for a glimmer of hope by now, I know I haven't helped matters with my – outbursts. I know she is still afraid of me, and I am trying but she knows every button to push and every trigger to pull. The feeling overwhelms me, the anger and rage and I can't stop it once it starts. Yesterday was a bad day, I had wanted it to be such a good day our first Thanksgiving together but nothing is going as planned.

I have everything lying in wait for us, breadcrumbs that will lead nowhere, photos and companies, bank accounts and pre-arranged sightings, all red herrings. Six long years of planning and insanity is a dangerous combination.

I have an island, a small private place in the Phang Nga Bay off the coast of Southern Thailand. I bought it when my father cast me off to London. I got it for a song, its previous owner a porn mogul being indicted for human trafficking. He needed cash and quickly. I used the money I had been nicking from Archer Global and relocating it to accounts in Dubai for years. The island came with a large house and a team of security just waiting for us. Maybe I should have just taken her there to begin with but in the back of my mind I knew that of this goes badly and I end Amy's life she deserves to be found and buried with her family around her not lost forever in the ocean. So for that reason alone I stayed because that is how much I love her.

"Morning Love." I pushed open the bedroom door gently; Amy was already awake sitting on the bed reading. Her room is devoid of natural light. The windows are covered over with plywood on both sides and sound proofing over that. Her one wrist is attached to a handcuff and a long length of chain, just enough to get to the bathroom. She looks up at me and I know that she slept poorly, I listened to her cry and toss and turn for hours, and even now I can see the shadow of tears in her eyes. She quickly goes back to her book and I can see the bruises on her arms and neck. I remember how they got there and I feel every muscle in my body clench at the memory. The look of fear in her eyes as I shook her, the chains rattling, her begging me to stop and I did. I did stop. I was able to control it before it got out of hand but I fear it has done irreparable damage to what I have been trying to build with Amy.

"Look at me please." I feel the cuckold of desperation take over, I can hear in in my voice and I know she can too because she slowly and carefully pulls her head up until her eyes meet mine. "I am very sorry about what happened yesterday, I just…" She raises her hand to silence me, shaking her head not wanting to hear another empty apology.

"I know you are. Simon you are always sorry. Nothing has changed. I was just starting…" She stops the words before they leave her lips and I so need to hear them. I need to hear her tell me that she was starting to forgive me. I know her loving and trusting me again is a long way off but we need to start somewhere because we can't go on forever like this. "But you scared me and you hurt me when you promised you wouldn't." I clench my fists at my side and take a long deep breath as my mind draws me back to that moment. I close my eyes to her and can hear her calling out his name. I can feel him clawing at me from the inside but I breathe in and out, over and over keeping the beast where he belongs. I open my eyes and Amy looks like a trapped rabbit. She is waiting for me to blow again, her body edged up to far corner of the bed, knees to her chest. If I focus on her I can do this.

"I know I promised you and I want to keep that promise… I am so sorry love… it's just, you say his name over and over." Will… Will…Will…

"I love him Simon…" Her words cut me to pieces; I can feel the blood draining from my body on the floor. "He's my husband. I can't explain to you how much he means to me… Do you expect that to just go away just because you want it to? You want me to be honest, you want to trust me but then I tell you the truth and this is what you do." He voice is shaking and breaking with every word and I can feel her pain as if it was my own. She pulls her tee shirt away from her shoulder and I can see the deep purple marks that my hands left behind. "Do you want the truth or a lie that sounds like the truth because I am trying with you I really am and God knows you don't deserve it. But I miss my family, I miss my husband…but I think I would miss you too now… but this can't happen again… You were fine and then you were crazy… and you wonder why I won't let you touch me… You won't let me see the light of day, you have me chained to a bed, that door is closed more than it is open and you don't trust me? I don't trust you! I am trying…trying to trust you again…but it's like you really don't want me to… like you want me to disappoint you. If you're going to kill me - just do it now… I can't do this anymore. The wondering and the waiting…" She begins to sob her head is in her hands, and each tear is a knife to me heart. All I want is Amy happy and all I do is bring her sadness and pain. I take a few steps towards her and I can see her body recoil. She was just starting to get used to me in close proximity and I went and fucked it all up. I sit at the foot of her bed; my hands knotted together resisting the urge to touch her bare foot.

"Amy please… I don't want to kill you, I want to spend every day of my life with you but you have to see how hard this has been on me. I have wanted nothing but you and you want him. The fact that you love him is killing me, but you are right I asked you for the truth and you gave it to me. Please forgive me, please. Can we start over?"

"How hard this has been on YOU?" Amy asks acerbically, her stubborn streak rearing its ugly head as she begins to laugh through her tears and I can see her insanity along her broken edges. "Just leave me alone Simon, please just leave me alone…" She abruptly turns over on her side hugging her pillow and I know she is wishing it was him. I reach out to touch her back, but I stop just a few inches away. I am losing her, I can feel her slipping away from me, drifting back and I need to stop it from happening.

"Today is your American Thanksgiving; I have a turkey in the oven." Her head lifts from the pillow slightly.

"Today is Thanksgiving? I have been here a month?"

"Just about…and yes it is…would you like to eat dinner with me in the dining room?"

"You mean leave the room?"

"Yes, as a show of faith and my apology."

"Really Simon?"

"Yes really… Would you like to help me make the stuffing, I've never made it before." A small smile breaks the corner of her mouth as she wipes the tears from her eyes and sits up on the bed.

"What about these?" She holds up her chains.

"I have another set, for your feet and hands."

* * *

I pulled all the shutters closed and drew the curtains; I don't want her to see where we are. She can't know, not yet. The kitchen smells like butter and onions, Amy is sitting at the small dining table pulling slices of bread apart, she looks relaxed and I try to ignore the fact that her ankle is cuffed to the table. Every so often she pops a piece of bread into her mouth and chews slowly and I find myself feeling jealous of a piece of bread. This is why I am crazy, because I am consumed by everything and nothing.

"Are you hungry? I can make you some eggs."

"Uh, yeah I am…scrambled?"

"I remember…sick of the oatmeal huh?" She wrinkles up her nose in the cutest way and nods yes.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't want to make you mad I guess."

"Look yesterday won't happen again. I don't know what came over me… When I asked if you missed him and you said that you did… I was stunned by your honesty and I just reacted. I didn't want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you; you have to see that Amy. You have to understand." She stands up slowly, and for a moment I don't know what to expect. There is a chef's knife a few inches away, maybe she is finally going to take her chance and strike against me. I brace myself as the seconds feel like hours. She looks at me with eyes so gentle and rests her hand on my shoulder, her touch radiates throughout my entire body and I can feel the tears well up in my eyes.

"I know…"She wraps her arms around me, willingly on her own accord and I feel whole again as my arms wrap around her waist. I can't help the tears and sobs that pour out of me as I cling to her like my life depends on it. If she only she knew how much touching her and holding her means to me. I could feel her tremble in my arms as her breath began to quicken and I knew it was too much too soon.

"I am going to let you go now, not because I want to, I could hold you forever, but I know you need me to." She nods and takes a step away as my arms release her. "Do you want to crack the eggs?"


	108. Chapter 108

Song Inspiration:The Shape of Us, Ian Britt

* * *

Sandy knows me better than most. She has pulled me from the brink before, the days after my father died I was a mess, and she was there by side reminding me how far I had come. And the promise and possibility of Amy out there waiting for me, it kept me on the wagon. The bad thing about Sandy knowing me so damn well is that she knows when I a full of shit and today I am.

We sit on my sofa, I listen to her go on and on about choices and strength, about the steps and how a lapse won't help the situation but in the back of my mind I have already resigned myself that the end of my sobriety is near. Very near and I am scared for myself in a way I have never been before. I keep thinking about Amy. I hear her crying, screaming out in pain, and calling my name begging for me to save her. I can picture all the things that Archer could be doing to her. The new scars he could be creating. And then there is this image of her on a boat laughing and happy as if I never existed. As if we never existed and I am not sure what is worse the thought of her in pain or the thought that she is happy.

There is a part of me missing, the best part and I feel lost and unbalanced without it. I miss her smile, her scent. I miss her lips and how they fit so perfectly against mine. I feel the time more then I ever thought possible. All these days without her have felt like years. It reminds me of the days before my father died the slow ticking of the clock and the beep of machines. The pain and fear of knowing it was only a matter of time until the end came. My father died alone with only the tick of the clock to bear witness. Her poems haunt me, her voice haunts me, the sound of her laughter and tears live in my head. And late in the night I wonder if I will ever hear her again.

"Will are you listening to me?" Sandy looks annoyed and that is good for no one. I don't know how long I drifted out of the conversation but from the stink eye coming my way it's been a while. She sits back against the sofa, arms against her chest and I brace for impact.

"Uh. Yeah sorry I can't focus. "

"For fucks sake Will! You need to focus and pay attention. You called me remember. I have a life you know I have a husband and kids and Christmas shopping that I should be doing right now. I am here for you anytime any place but you need to be here too."

"I know you're right."

"Damn straight I'm right. This is bull shit Will. Okay. You deserve better that what's happening right now but you need to focus and stay strong."

"I am trying. I really am. I do the meetings. I try and see Dalton but it's so hard because he is as close to Amy as anyone. And her parents and Laurel and Jeff all looking to me for strength. They don't know I am an addict, they don't know anything and it is just too much. Then Dino today and what happened."

"Dino is your brother and brothers fight."

"Yeah but he is also in love with my missing wife."

"Dino is not in love with her, he loves her…"

"No he is in love with her. Come on Sandy, cut the shit. You know he is, Grace knows he is. Even Amy knows."

"Yeah, okay but Amy is in love with you so what Dino feels is irrelevant. And he loves you too Will don't forget that little fact." I know she is right Dino would take a bullet for me and I for him but that does not change the facts. We love the same woman and if all this Archer shot was not in the way Dino and I would have come to blows long ago. The silence is heavy between Sandy and me, it strange that she lacks words for once.

"I am worried about you." She rests her small hand over mine, her nails bitten to the quick, her coping mechanism when she feels like slipping. I sometimes forget that she too is an addict. An oxy addiction that nearly destroyed her life.

"Fuck Sandy I am worried about me."

"You need to sleep and Jesus are you eating?" Sleep is a few restless hours of my day, tossing around in bed holding Amy's pillow in an attempt to not feel so all alone. Food tastes bitter on my tongue and never sits well in my stomach. And honestly anything I enjoyed I shared with Amy and can't bear the thought of. I was at the deli to get coffee. They had chickens roasting on the rotisserie and I caught a whiff and thought I was going to throw up. So food is very low on the priority list. Even cereal reminds me of her. Fucking cereal. Right now I am sustaining on coffee, protein bars and Twizzlers. The addicts candy of choice. I shrug not really having anything to say. Sandra looks at me and her eyes soften.

"Shit Will you want me to make you something? Pasta maybe?"

"Nahhh no thanks. You should go. You got all that shopping to do and I have work to do." She raises her eyebrow and I point to the wall behind us.

"That's not work that is an obsession. Let the police do their job."

"They've given up San. They think she is dead or back with Archer." I see the disgust spread across her face and her body tightens.

"She would never in a million years!"

"You know that and I know that but there were some photos…"

"What kind of photos?"

I stand up and Sandy follows. She spots them right away. She pulls one off the wall and looks at it closely and finally turns back to me.

"That's not her. You know that don't you."

"I want to believe…"

"No will look." She points to the woman's left wrist. "No tattoo. See. If it is Amy this picture is old, before you and before she was held captive."

Well fuck me. Sandy is right. The tattoo. Maybe I am to close and because of that I am missing what it right in front of my face. I feel this wave of relief flow over me, it is not her.

"Jesus Sandy you're right."

"I bet Archer sent these pics to throw everyone off and it worked. She is alive Will. What else you got?"

"What?"

"Show me what else you and Dino have been working on. You both are too invested and you may be missing things. I'm a mom, moms don't miss things."

Hope is a powerful thing in a matter of a few words Sandy has pulled me back. I had played it over and over in my mind. The walk over to the other side of town, the smell if corn in the air. I wondered if it was the same guy as before. You can always spot a dealer, they carry themselves casually but they are always ready to flee if necessary. Their eyes dart around for no reason and their stance changes if someone walks by.

I have had the cash rolled up in my pocket for days. I like knowing it's there because if the money is in my pocket - well coke isn't. I grab a few files off the kitchen counter and Amy's notebook of peach paper that I have been writing everything in and hand it over to Sandy. She pulls up a chair at the breakfast bar and I almost want to stop her, Amy and I sat there together the morning of my birthday party. She was wearing my sweatshirt and spilled coffee down the front. It is still sitting on the back of the chair and it makes my chest ache to see Sandy sitting there. It should be Amy here with me now. Amy and I should be buying a Christmas tree and shopping for Kira. We shoos be planning a trip to her family place in Vermont and starting our family like we talked about. We should not be apart.

"Will are you okay." I shove my hand in my pocket and roll the money in my fingertips. I take a deep breath and push the money as far down into my pocket as possible.

"Yeah. I'm good. Let's get started."

* * *

I wake up with my body pressed against Amy's in this tiny bed, my morning wood plated perfectly in the crook of her thighs. In all the years and all the girl I had never brought one to meet my family, it was easier to keep the two separate. I was used to living two lives for work, duplicity was my middle name after all.

I pulled her body closer to mine, grinding in to her so she knew I was awake and wanting, slowly kissing her neck just where she likes it.

.

"WAKE UP UNCLE WILL!" Kiras sweet but shrill voice hammes through my brain and I realize we are not alone. "It's waffle day." She jumps off the bed shaking us both and scampers away like a little mouse.

"Ask me again Will." I am stumped for a second and then I remember the last thing we talked about before bed and I smile.

"Amy do you want babies."

"Absolutely." She turns to me and grabs my cock gently. "I want your babies…Not today or tomorrow. But…"

"Soon." She strokes me gently and I respond in kinds as my fingers find her sweet spot. "How many babies do you want Amy… one… two… six?"

"Six, no I don't think six… Two… A boy and a girl…" I slip my fingers inside of her and she hisses biting her bottom lip.

"Holden and…"

"Holden? From Catcher in the Rye?" She looks at me perplexed like she is shocked that I have read a book before and I realize that she is right, I keep so much of myself away from her.

"It is one of my favorites."

"Mine too… So Holden James, after your dad." My heart stops when she says my dad's name and I know that I will never love anyone the way I love this woman. I crash my mouth into hers and flatten her against the bed, her legs opening wide to fit me in.

"Will we can't… Waffles…"

"The waffles can wait."

* * *

"Sean. Baby are you here?" I hear her calling out to me even over the roar of the shower. She is upset, that much I know. I can tell by the sound of her voice. Maria has been pissed at me all week, she thinks I am doing to much blow and spending too much time kissing her brother ass. If she only knew what I was really up to, she would never forgive me.

I feel like shit. The weekend was rough, Chez was in rare form. Two of his dealers got arrested on Friday and I was the reason. I was able to pinpoint his two main guys. Once I got bumped up the chain and was essentially his third in command I was privy to more and more. I waited as long as possible to turn over the intel because I had worked almost two years to get this far and I didn't want to blow up in my face.

The coke is making Chez paranoid and honesty it's doing the same for me. I woke up and needed a line just to get in the fucking shower. The line between my reality and Sean's reality is disappearing by the minute.

"Maria I am in the shower. I'll be out in a minute. Are you alright?" I have been practically living at her place. Most of "Sean's" stuff is here and my apartment is empty and covered in a layer of dust. I hear the sound of the bathroom fan and then the shower curtain gets pulled back and Maria steps into the shower with me. Normally I would have been happy about this development but I just jerked off. I open my mouth to speak and she lifts her finger and presses it to my lips silencing me. Her warm caramel skin presses against my body as she pulls my ear to me lips

"Chez knows you're a cop…" My body freezes are our eyes lock and I see her tears of pain and fear.

"Maria I…"

"Shhh he had Julio put bugs in here to record us. I am supposed to get you to confess and find out who else is working with you. Chez has a cop on the take, an informer that says there are two guys. A gringo and a Hispanic. The gringo was easy to figure out…"

Santana is the other man, he was on the outskirts of the operation. Just a guy on my crew, we have a beer and a burger once in a while. He was my cover when I went to my sisters wedding, boys fishing trip. Santana was always hanging out keeping his head down. He was my contact and the reason I was able to stay in so deep for so long. "He is going to kill you. And not slowly."

I wrap my arms around her shaking body and she cries into my shoulder muttering why in Spanish.

"Maria I can explain."


	109. Chapter 109

Because there haven't been any Amy POV's and I miss her voice I have decided to include entries of her journal with the upcoming chapters. The poems are mine and I hope you enjoy them. Some I have written for this story and others I have written over the years.

I would love to hear your thoughts and insights on their meanings and suggestions so please review.

Thank you all for reading! And Darkness and White has a fan page on Facebook. Please come and like us.

XOXO PPP

* * *

I will never understand the methods of god or man or why I love all the things that can be struck down with one hand.

I will never know why things happen the way they do or why the black sky can no longer turn blue.

But there are things I will never want to say, the world between us thankfully in the way. But light and breeze will carry my dreams and a piece if me and meet you where we will always be.

Trapped with you and you trapped with me.

But you are the autumn leaves and the cool October breeze, the warmth upon my hands, my body, my heart that has been so still.

You are the open door, I walk right through and I seek no more. You are the dream of dreams, the hope of hopes, the right of rights. You brave the darkness and bring me the light.

I will never understand the methods of god or man or why people do things just because they can.

I will never know why things happen why they do, but every scar and tear has brought me home to you.

But there are things I that I smile as I say, I love you I need you I want forever here this way. So let the light and the breeze hold us tight and keep you where you belong to be.

Forever my heart with you forever your heart with me.


	110. Chapter 110 - DARKNESS

Hello! I just wanted to give a huge hug to my 350 followers. I never thought I would get that many on this story. I have gotten so many reviews and PM's this week that I am still trying to catch up, if I didn't get to you yet I will. ANd if you want to get a hold me and ask a question my Tumblr is a great way to do it. I also plan to answer questions I have gotten about the story and my process there so please come and check it out. FF is great for reviews but not so great for conversations. So find me at **perhapsperhapsperhaps50 dot tumblr dot com** or on my new Darkness and White Pinterest page at **Pinterest dot com backslash perhapsx3 backslash darkness-white.**

There was no music in writing this chapter, just silence. I am not sure why.

I also want to give a shout out to my beta Icalyn for editing this is five minutes flat to get it ready to post tonight! God bless her!

I hope you enjoy the next few chapters and please please please review.

XOXO PPP

Chapter 110: Darkness  
"Pozhaluysta ... otpusti menya… Pozhaluysta ... otpusti menya!"  
He begged for his life, for the relief of his pain and mostly for his freedom. Vladimir Dementyev. I begged him once for my life, for relief of my pain and for my freedom. He laughed and now here we are again only this time it is his voice laced in the agony that I was inflicting over and over again. He is not so smug now, not so strong. Wielding your power over a fifteen year old is not that hard to do, but defending yourself from the man that I have become is quite different.  
I had dreamed of this moment for over a decade and finally I was beating the living fuck out of the man who raped me when I was just a boy. The power flowed through my veins and made me invincible. He looked too old and small, tied to the chair, blood leeching out of every point of impact. We had been at it for nearly two days and I could have gone on forever, fueled by years of shame and glasses of scotch. Hell I wanted to keep him alive for as long as possible. It was Frankie that insisted we put an end to it and throw his body out in the desert.

When I pushed the knife into his stomach, I knew it would be a slow death. The acid in his stomach would leak out into his belly causing him unimaginable pain and he would finally die looking upon my face. I thought when the moment came I would feel better but I felt worse. I didn't know what I was going to do now that he was dead. What was my purpose, what was my plan? The insanity of this crusade got me booted from my family and my company, not that they knew what I was up to just that I was angry and drunk, and fucking whatever I could but that was enough for my father to send me packing.

I stood there and watch as Frankie cleaned up my mess; he had been doing it for years and was the closest thing to a real father I had ever known. I follow him outside with the body hoisted over his shoulder, wrapped in plastic and this feels unreal.  
We are in Cape Town, South Africa in the middle of their December summer, the heat and humidity almost too much to take, even in the dead of night. The light from the full moon follows me through darkness, a purple haze trapped inside the humidity. Trapped like I am trapped, bound by something you can't see but you can only feel. It chokes you as you gasp for air and then the blackness comes and you are nothing. I am nothing.

With shaky limbs I wipe the sweat off my brow with my shoulder and begin to walk, my legs feel like lead and my heart about to explode out of my chest as the brevity of this moment hits me. My hands are covered with the rich rusty stain of dried blood, it speckles my white shirt and khaki pants, even my shoes bear the telltale marks of splatter. I feel dirty and I want to wash the blood away. I should feel better, the beast should be gone now, I gave him what he said he wanted and yet I feel him slithering just under the surface of my skin. Car horns, children screaming, gun shot on a television, maybe the hint of the ocean, assault my senses.

I hear a whistle and smell the cold winter air and the hint of cigarettes and I am back to the moment when they grabbed me in the courtyard of my school. I know now that even though they are both dead, they live in my mind and I will never be free of them or the memories that plague every waking moment and find me in my dreams. I am bound to them forever, not even death will free me.

Frankie waves me over to the car, the trunk bearing the weight of the man I just killed. He hands me a bottle of water and a towel and tells me to wipe off my hands. I nod and mechanically go through the motions. We drive off into the night and I wait for the peace to come but it never does.

* * *

"For fucks sake Amy, why are you being so bloody difficult?" She looks up at me and I know that today is the day. We are finally going to have it out; the last few weeks have been pleasant, even easy. Amy and I have been taking very small but tandem steps towards each other. We make breakfast together and sip our tea in the living room listening to some music. I read, she writes. We cook together and talk about happy shiny bright things. Good childhood memories, favorite movies, stuff like that. We touch without thought now, without fear. I can rub her shoulder as we pass in the kitchen cooking dinner, I held her by the hand once leading her into the bathroom after I drew her a bath on a cold rainy December day. Everything is finally going to plan and it is just a matter of time before we are sipping fruity drinks on the beach laughing together.

So, I knew this day was coming, my day of reckoning, and the day where I would have to answer for those four days and be held accountable. I have sensed it, a change in the tide when one night last week we were sitting on the couch playing cards and I felt it. That pull that Amy and I always shared; that heat and desire that I had not felt in years. God I had missed it. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to pull her close and taste her again but I knew it was too soon. She felt it to because after that night she got quiet and pensive, I can feel her confusion and her inner battle to love me again. But I love battles and I can wait.  
"I am not being difficult! You are being an asshole. You know that right. You…" She bites the inside of her cheek to stop the words from leaving her mouth, not sure what my reaction will be. I can smell her fear and this is not what I want for her, it is not what I want for us. I will myself to keep calm, every day I will myself and it has been working. I can get through this.  
"No, you are being an asshole Amy because you won't admit that you want me again. So you are pushing me away!"

"I don't want you Simon." Amy's voice is weak and shaky; she is trying to convince herself just as much as she is trying to convince me. She drops her head in her hands and exhales out. I know she is counting, she counts all the time. She is crying less and her dreams happen less often. But she still sings in the night.

"Yes you do and it scares you to death…"  
"You scare me to death. You do!"  
"I know, I know I do. I don't want to. I want you to love and to trust me again. We are so close Amy, you feel it, don't you? Please tell me you feel it." I need her to feel it, I need her recognition of what is happening or I know I will go crazy.

"I don't know what I feel. When I start to feel good about us, then I remember everything that has happened and I just want to go home." She starts to cry, and part of me wants to just open the door and let her go, part of me loves her enough but there is another part that won't let me. I sit beside her on the bed and without thinking I wrap my arm around her shoulders. She does not pull away or even flinch; instead she rests her head in the crook of my shoulder and silently sobs. It kills me to know I am the cause of all if this pain but I won't stop until we are on the fucking beach drinking the fruity drink laughing together.

"Those days are like a movie to me now. A blurry black and white movie. My therapist in the institution would make me talk about them over and over. I always spoke in the third person, like I wasn't really me because really it wasn't. I was just so bombarded by everyone who was supposed to love me. You left me alone, when you promised that you wouldn't."

"Because you hurt me when you promised you wouldn't. I was pregnant and I couldn't risk our baby like that. You were losing control. The conference room… the night of Frankie's birthday, the bathroom… When it was just me I could take it but once I knew there was a baby, there was something more important than just you and I."

"Did you lose the baby?" I needed to know, I had longed to ask her, afraid of her answer. Afraid that I may have been the cause, remembering all that I had done to her when I found the pregnancy test hidden in the bathroom.

"I did, in the hospital, I lost the baby."

"I would lie awake at night before the trial and wonder if you were getting bigger and when you were due and then there was nothing. I asked my lawyer and he couldn't find out anything. I am so sorry Amy; you have no idea how sorry I am. How I wish I could go back and just let you walk away and maybe in time when our baby was born you would have come back to me."

"I need to know why…I look at these scars on my body, these scars on my heart and mind that you put there… Why didn't you stop? When you realized what you were doing, you just kept going and going." I take many deep breaths and try to steady my breathing and my racing thoughts. Why didn't I stop, throughout those days I had these vague moments of clarity. When I was watching her sleep, the sunlight pouring through the windows, carrying her to and from the bathroom, cleaning her wrists and making her ice packs. Why didn't I just stop? Why was I so weak, why was I so selfish?

"You didn't safe word." The answer is simple and at its core true. I watch the shock spread across her face and she sits up away from me.  
"I didn't safe word?"  
"You didn't speak…"  
"If I would have safe worded, would you have killed me?"  
"Probably… and would have spent the rest of my life regretting it." She stands up, the chains dragging across the floor as she walks to the far corner of the room. She wraps herself up in a hug as she leans against the wall. For a moment I long to see her skin in the light, I want to rip the boards off the windows and just watch Amy in the sun and the fresh air like we used to be. I want to smell her skin after a day in the ocean and feel the sand theat has clung to her under my fingers.  
"You know I always felt so bad for you. Everything you had gone through with your dad and your abduction. All the pain that you never dealt with and the shame. I couldn't imagine what that must have been like for you. And then you made sure I knew and you marked me, each and every time. Twelve scars on one side and nine on the other. Was that how many times you were raped?"  
"I lost count…after the first few I just stopped counting."  
"But you made sure I would always remember, the nine times you forced anal on me, the twelve times you…"  
"Please Amy, I can't take anymore. Please please please…can't we just… forget?"  
"I can't forget. I will never forget, you made sure of that. Every time I look myself, of I run my hands over my own skin I remember. Every time I close my eyes at night I fear the darkness. It took me years and years to move on from those days. To be touched to loved and I was finally happy Simon. Finally." I stand up and walk towards her until I know she can feel my breath in her hair and wrap my arms around her, resting my chin on the top of her head, like I used to.  
"I can't let you go Amy."  
"I know."


	111. Chapter 111- AMY'S JOURNAL

Chapter 111: Amy's Journal

The wind blows and I think of you and why I walked away.

The brightest star never shows its light in the harsh sun of day.

So I run and run and miss you, And dream of one day to kiss you.

With shaky feet I run. With breathless lungs I flew. All for the love of you. All for the love of you.

And then I fall on my own. No one to push me I wanted it all. Falling slowly, fading fast. Knowing that this time won't last.

Empty empty can you fill me up?

Empty empty can you love enough?

When I am lost and broken, I imagine you are here and gone are my sorrows gone are my fears.

When darkness creeps up slowly and day gives way to night, I dream that you are here your arms around me tight.

So I run and run and miss you, And dream of one day to kiss you.

And all I know, all I've known is what not to do. All for the love of you. All for the love of you.

And then I fall on my own. No one to push me I wanted it all. Falling slowly, fading fast. Knowing that this lie won't last.

Empty empty can you fill me up?

Empty empty can you love enough?

I run I run, no body no breath, I run I run, so hope no depth. I run I run to escape and to hide. But you cannot run from what is inside.


End file.
